A/N uno: I should have pointed out that it was the "license to kill" idea that was Elwin Ransom's. I don't know why I didn't specify it in the previous a/n. (I realized my mistake several hours after posting the chapter… Sorry!)
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Chapter 17: Spring Break '56
Thane murmured in his sleep and rolled over, pillowing him head on his arm and falling back into his dreams.
He and Canute had spent the last three days getting drunk and playing the Jedi version of chess. The game itself was rather violent considering how Jedi liked to present themselves and the men, like most, concentrated less on strategy than they did on the numerous creative ways they could get their creatures to kill their opponent's. At one point, Thane was able to convince one of his holograms to construct a double-bladed lightsaber and go on a killing rampage of Canute's horned warriors.
The Mandie called it a draw.
Before the two men had started playing Jedi chess, however, they began their drinking odyssey by watching Gizmo chew out McGruff. Every time she mentioned "get-rich-quick" or "loser" or "abandoned" they took a shot of juma and by the time McGruff was able to slink off into Balnchaine without even an idea of what the word integrity meant, the two men were singing drinking songs.
"If God wanted us sober," they sang, "he'd knock the glass over, so drink up, drink up, drink up."
They continued to drink and sing (and play Jedi chess) all they way to their next destination, musing from time to time what the temperature might be on Can'nonbe'ach. Hopefully, they decided, it would be warm enough for the women they would encounter to wear bikinis.
When they reached the sunny ocean paradise, however, Thane was unconscious under the cot in the medical bay and Canute was sleeping on top of the work bench, both completely unaware that they had landed. Killroy and J4G-GL were cleaning up after the men since the crew could hardly walk for the scattered alcohol bottles, while almost everyone else was planetside taking in the fresh air.
Thane had finally met his match. Almost.
Waking with a groan when someone poked him sharply in the ribs, Thane struggled to open his eyes. Everything was too bright and too loud. Rolling onto his front and hiding his face in his arm, Thane willed his body to recover faster than it normally would have otherwise. He even attempted to call on the Force to help heal his throbbing brain cells, liver, and kidneys to little avail.
"Ugh," Thane groaned.
"Get up," Brazilla replied.
"I don't think my legs will work too well right now, honey."
Though he couldn't see it, Brazilla crossed her arms over her ample chest. "You don't want that brute to best you, do you?" she said.
"Eh?" Thane peeked at her through a squinted eyelid.
"He's up and doing calisthenics."
Thane attempted to push himself off the ground but only smacked the back of his head on the bottom of the cot. Falling back to his chest, a wave of nausea struck; the first sign of recovery.
"I don't believe you," he said once he could successfully open his mouth. "Mandies don't do calisthenics. They shoot things."
Brazilla frowned. "What if I told you that the women were all fawning over him and would hardly see you if you took much longer getting up."
"I got you, babe," he said. "Besides, there's no ignoring my awesome magnificence. They'll forget all about him once I come out of the shadows."
She ground her teeth together. "You're aware that I'm just trying to get you up off the floor, aren't you?"
"Of course I am, which means you'll have to lie a whole lot better to get me to move because this floor is getting more comfortable by the minute." He chuckled and turned his head to face her fully, blinking against the light. It was really bright in the darkness. Surprisingly bright, actually, considering the nearest light was in the main hold.
How much does that suck?
He shook his head and immediately regretted it. "C'mon, Jedi are good at lying, aren't they? You should be able to spin a more convincing tale than the ones you've been trying."
"It's against our Code to lie."
He snorted. "That's right. You just have your own truths."
"You should remember that you're one of us now."
"I don't recall having much of a choice in the matter." He got up then, and stood over her, swaying slightly, his eyes narrowed. "In fact, after saving you, I haven't had much freedom at all. You'd think that with all this power we'd be able to do a little more of what we want to do and not just what we're told to do."
"That's why we have restrictions, Thane. Without them we'd be no better than the Sith."
"I'm starting to wonder if their life isn't as bad as people make it out to be." He swept his hair out of his face and looked away, conveniently missing Brazilla's look of horror. In fact, had he caught any of them before now, he would have started getting a little tired of them, considering how often her face went to that particular expression.
"I mean," Thane went on, "the bad guys get to wear black and have goatees and often get more girls than the good guys do. All y'all women say you want nice guys, but I know better. Bad boys turn you on, don't they, honey." He grinned. "I think I could pull that role off real well." He stroked the stubble on his upper lip and chin as if doing the same to a full growth of facial hair. "I've even been thinking of growing a beard. You'd like that wouldn't you? Yeah, you would."
"You shouldn't even be joking about it," she said quietly. "The dark side isn't something to take lightly."
"It ain't so bad as all that."
"Excuse me?"
Thane shrugged. "I've done the criminal thing. Being bad often leads to really good rewards. Really, really good rewards."
"You didn't do anything that could be considered evil, did you?" She put a hand on his arm.
"Not that I can recall," he said.
"Good."
"What?"
"Never mind."
"Do you know something I don't?" he asked. "Because, you know, there's still a whole lot of cottony fuzz stuck up there in my head where a brain should be and I just can't seem to get it out. It's like I know that I grew up on the streets without parents, which is what led me to a former life of crime, but I can't actually recall it happening. Is that weird?"
"Not if you've consumed as much alcohol as you have in your life. The stuff tends to kill brain cells." She dusted imaginary lint off the front of her shirt. "I mean, it's not like you're Darth Relevant and the Council is trying to cover it up by implanting false memories in your head in order to use you as a tool against the evil empire you created because you wanted to rule over every living thing in the galaxy."
Thane laughed. "See. That's the kind of story I would expect out of a Jedi. I knew you had it in you."
Brazilla furrowed her brow. "Thanks. I think."
"It just means you'll make a very good Master someday." He patted her on the shoulder as he left the infirmary. "I guess I'm off to save the galaxy," he said over his shoulder. "I have a promise to keep."
He didn't get very far, though, before being encountered by Jolie.
"I've a bone to pick with you, son," the old man said.
Thane looked at him. "Is that wise? I'd assume that you would need all the bone density you could get."
"Har har," Jolie replied. "Look. I might be old, but I'm sure as seven hells not useless. Let me come with you when you leave the boat this time. I need some fresh air, some sunshine…"
"Some scantily clad woman?" Thane said with a raised brow.
"I was on Cash for a long time," Jolie said, not even attempting to deny it. "A really long time and I hear this place is where you kids come to celebrate something called Spring Break."
Thane shrugged. "I wouldn't know. I've never been here before. I think. There's something strangely familiar about the sea air, though." He pressed his lips together. "It was probably a rum run."
"I thought you dealt in arms."
"You can't be picky when the economy tanks."
Jolie nodded. "True."
The men looked at each other for a moment before Thane said, "Yeah, sure, why not. I hear there's a pretty good retirement community here, too, so we might run into someone you know."
"Everyone I know is dead."
"Oh. Well, that sucks," Thane said. "Just be ready to go, yeah?"
"Yeah, okay."
"Good." Thane scooped up Han, who was mewing his little kitten mew of attention while swatting at Thane's ankles. "And try not to have a heart attack out there. My Red Cross training isn't current."
"You're a right cherry popping daddy bastard, kiddo."
Thane shrugged. "Old news, pops."
Jolie just snorted at him and walked away.
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It didn't take long for Thane to find a third person to go exploring with him considering how much Erika wanted off the ship and attention from the man who was giving all of his attention to another woman these days. Besides, she had argued, Brazilla was a prude, Canute didn't want to be otherwise distracted, and Garth felt guilty every time he looked out a window, so Thane was left with few options considering he found the droids fairly useless.
"Også," she said as they exited the spaceport, "I need to work on my tan."
How the neon green tube top she was wearing would manage to stay on while fighting the inevitable battles they would fight was anyone's guess. Thane suspected some form of adhesive.
"Are you sure you aren't going to burn there, little sister? You're awfully pale."
"I gooped up."
"Excuse me?"
"Sunblock. Just strong enough to avoid cancer, not strong enough to avoid some colouration." The click of her stiletto boots echoed down the gangway and Thane was about to say something concerning how unstealthy her choice of shoes was when the sound of battle reached their ears.
"God damn it," Thane said. "I was hoping to at least get into the city before running into trouble." He drew his lightsaber. So did Jolie and Erika. "At least there's an audience," he went on to say, pointing at insufficiently clothed men and women, "so I guess this isn't a total loss."
"Nej, det er ikke," Erika said, waggling her fingers at the boys. "Skal vi?"
"Yes, we shall."
And they did. It was rather magnificent.
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A/N dos: Okay. Lame ending. I know. But it's a chapter, yeah? I really need to get back into watching/reading humor…
Credit: The line "cherry popping daddy bastard" is what I thought the line "dirty puppy daddy bastard" was for the longest time until I bothered to go look it up one day. It's from the Scissor Sisters' song Filthy/Gorgeous. I like my misheard mistake better. The drinking song is from a Jason Webley song.
Translations:
Også - Also
Nej, det er ikke – No, it's not.
Skal vi? – Shall we?