A/N: The title is my excuse. So is that other story I've recently started posting...

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Chapter 18: The Consequences of Spreading One's Focus Too Thin

The first time Thane opened his eyes, it was to see Erika doing a rather fantastic job of killing bad guys despite the four-inch height of her stiletto heel. In fact, the shoes were proving themselves to be damn good weapons of their own.

The second time he opened his eyes, it was to see that Jolie wasn't quite the crooked old man he initially seemed to be, at least not physically. He was, it would appear, quite nimble. No wonder he had survived Cash in one piece.

Closing his eyes, Thane tried to remember the events that had led up to his current state of unconsciousness. There had been some kind of a ruckus, that much was clear to his addled mind, and he, being the hero, had decided to step in to give the soldiers a helping hand. They had cheered when they saw him with his lightsaber. Hell, he didn't-think, he would have cheered, too.

Then things got a little fuzzy. He remembered punching some guy in the face before pummeling someone else with his pommel. Nearby, there had been some ambiguously legal young adults dancing and drinking and cheering along the fight despite the fact that people were dying. It must be part of the Spring Break show, the kids had collectively thought before thinking about how to find themselves more alcohol. Thane might have been proud of them, had he been able to read their minds rather than duck under the blade of a sword that came too close.

He had scowled at that point and made a hood ornament of the Sith on a nearby speeder for offending him so. He was the hero and wasn't supposed to get killed. Didn't they know how things worked?

Maybe, he continued to not-think, it had been his arrogance that had gotten him knocked off his feet.

Nah.

But after that there really wasn't much to remember except for saying hello to the decking and getting cozy with it.

And thanks to his fabulous timing, the third time Thane opened his eyes it was to discover the fight was over. The only indication he had taken any part in it was the pile of bodies around him—and his memories. They were pretty significant suggestions, actually. Groaning, he stood up and wiped off the front of his trousers.

"What the hell happened to me?" Thane asked. Erika was polishing her nails. Jolie was smirking.

"You went down like a rock, boyo" the old man said. "What are they teaching in schools these days? How to fail?"

Thane shrugged. "I don't think I went to school, at least not until recently with this whole becoming a Jedi thing." He frowned and rubbed at a sore spot on the side of his head. "Though I do seem to remember being oppressed as a child, so it's entirely possible that I had to suffer through it. Probably private school. I think I remember people in robes. And funny hats. Maybe. I really hate brain-fog…"

Jolie and Erika exchanged glances. Neither of them knew about the whole Darth Relevant fiasco in Thane's past and the more time they spent with him, the saner the rest of the galaxy seemed in these rather insane times. This was a special man standing here in front of them. A very special man. It was something his mother had probably told him quite often while he was growing up.

He was also grinning like an idiot at the abundance of bikinis as if their reason for coming here had completely slipped his mind.

"We should probably go…um…"

"Find the Map?" Jolie suggested.

"Yeah," Thane was watching a group of women, the altercation completely out of his mind now that the cleaning droids had come and gone. Thane hadn't actually seen them, but had no other explanation for the speedy disappearance of the bodies, blood, carnage, and gore that was normally left in the wake of a sword fight. Maybe they were invisible. That would be worth checking out, if only to acquire one for the ship, Thane actually-thought now that he was conscious.

The big man went on with an intelligent, "That."

A busty barmaid who looked exactly like the one back on Taboo passed the group. She was handing out alcohol without checking IDs and Thane was too distracted to take one of the drinks, thinking that, maybe, just maybe, he had been killed during the last battle after all. If this was his reward than, hell, he didn't mind being dead.

But then Erika interrupted his death wish.

"Har du any idea where it might be?" She was gathering the items that had been left behind in the wake of their battle, shoving weapons, stims, armor and the like into the bottomless pouch of endlessness attached to her belt.

"Probably on the bottom of the ocean," Thane replied, smiling his winning smile at a group of giggling females of various species. "I have a feeling we'll have to spend some time in damn clumsy enviro-suits."

"We?" Erika said. "Nuh-uh. You, ven, vil be spending time in the suit. Det er ikke godt til mi hår."

"You're probably right," Thane said, not looking at her. "I guess it's my lot in life. Maybe we'll be able to run in the next gen… Not that that helps me out now, of course." He frowned. "Let's go. Maybe that guy can help us out. He looks like he's holding out for a hero."

He pointed at a soldier just as he began walking in that direction. The soldier didn't look too happy about being approached by Jedi.

"What do you want?" he asked.

"Nothing more than your help," Thane said, trying out his smile on the man. It didn't work. The soldier was either absolutely straight as a rod, he decided, or doing a very good job at denial because Thane could usually work over even the most secure of men. "What are the Sith doing here?"

"Stuff," the man said. "Don't ask me. I'm just here to make sure the kids don't get out of hand." He pointed at his taser and then at another soldier who was dealing with some adolescent boy yelling: "Don't tase me, bro!"

Thane shook his head in disappointment.

"Stuff is not a very good answer," he went on to say. "Don't make me deal with you the same way I dealt with them."

He pointed at the spot where there used to be bodies. The soldier swallowed while Jolie and Erika exchanged another glance. Had Brazilla been there, she probably would have melted under the pressure of keeping the kind of secret she was is custody of before reshaping and verbally abusing him. He was suddenly glad she was acting like a prude and staying on the ship. He might be in lust with her, but he didn't need her around every second of every day. He was Thane Sunrider. He needed his space.

Except when he didn't.

"C'mon, soldier boy," Thane said, sounding incredibly white, "can't you just glean me a little information off the top? I don't need to know the secrets of the Republic, just the secret as to why there are Sith at Spring Break. And maybe the location of the Map of Star's Homes."

The soldier narrowed his eyes. "There's a couple of guys hanging around selling maps."

"Ah," Thane said, "We after the Map with a big M, not maps with little ones. I don't stalk local celebrities. I hunt the big game."

"Whatever," the soldier said. "You'll probably want to talk to someone in the Republic Embassy. Frank Morgan, most likely. I've never seen him but I hear he knows everything."

"The man behind the curtain?" Thane grinned. "Classic."

"No, I don't think he spends much time hanging around in curtains," the soldier said. "He's just really busy."

"I think you got attacked by a fun vampire, little man, and got the humor sucked right out of you."

"Vampires aren't fun," the soldier droned.

"Of course they are," Thane said, glancing over the soldier's shoulder. "The life of the party. You should see them go."

"But they're not alive. Not technically, at least." Never mind the fact that they didn't actually exist.

Thane just narrowed his eyes and shook his head. "Okay, bye. You, sir, are no fun. No fun at all. Thanks for almost nothing."

"You're welcome, I suppose."

"No need for that." Thane gave him a dismissive wave and then, "…Can you tell me where the Embassy is?"

The soldier shrugged. "The East Pier. You can't miss it."

"And we are on…"

"The West Pier. Shouldn't take you too long to get there."

Thane gave the soldier a backwards peace sign before taking off, Erika and Jolie on his heel.

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Actually, it did take them a long time what with the doors that took hours to open, the pounding master mixes of popular songs, the girls, the boys… Oh, and the fact that there were some fifty East Piers. Thane was keeping count each time they happened across the wrong one.

"Apparently," Thane said, walking into number fifty-one. "You can miss it."

Unlike the rest of the East piers, however, this one was relatively silent. Where there had previously been raucous music, there were the sounds of shuffleboard and stories from the good old days.

Thane never thought he'd be happy to walk into a geriatric ward. Normally he avoided them like a plague considering they were an unpleasant reminder that he was, in fact, very mortal and aging by the minute. It wasn't something he generally liked to think about. He also had the funny feeling that he had, in the past, tried to do something about it, but couldn't think for the life of him of how he might have accomplished that.

Very strange.

Thane shook his head and pointed at the old people. "Recognize anyone, Jolie?"

"You're a jerk."

Thane just shrugged. "But do you?"

"Yes, actually…" The old man walked off. Erika and Thane remained where they were.

"Old people scare me," Erika said after a moment, twisting curls with her fingers. "I mean, Jolie's cool fordi you can almost forget han er old, if you squint, men all these other folk?" She shivered. "They're meget scary."

"They're not so bad," Thane said. "I mean what can they do? Bore you to death? Gum you?" He thought about it for a moment before abandoning that subject. "You'd be able to outrun them, anyway."

"Men jeg hear they kan swarm hvor there is en masse a det." She looked at Thane, her eyes wide. "Look, jeg don't lige det, okay? Det er just as irrational as your fear of clowns, ja? Leave me alone."

"They also seem to be affecting your ability to speak. Your Vikic is getting worse."

"Ja," she said. "Det er the problem with knowing to sporg."

Thane lifted his brow. "We should probably go after him before you get any worse," he said, pointing at Jolie. "It might be best if we were around to listen to the conversation in case he starts to lose his mind."

"He's right, you know," Erika said, entwining her fingers in Thane's for moral support. "Du er a jerk."

"Then why do I have a Miss Congeniality trophy?"

Erika turned her eyes on him. "I somehow doubt that belongs to you. It probably came with the ship."

"Yeah," Thane said, looking away. "I think it did. It was a nice thought while it lasted, though. You're a real killjoy, sweetheart."

Erika shrugged and tugged at the front of her tube top. "These boots were made for walking."

"No," he said, looking at them. "I don't think they were."

She was about an inch taller than him because of the heel and Thane couldn't decide if he liked it or not. There was something alluring about tall women that stirred his blood round and round. Maybe he would have to find a pair for Brazilla…

After a moment spent thinking about how nice that would be, he said, "Are you some kind of a valkyrie?" He didn't know why.

"I was training to be one before my master was killed. We've had a shortage of them ever since General Sunbeam-Moonshadow got herself exiled from the Order. Why?"

"Just curious." Thane lifted his perfectly sculpted shoulders in a shrug, having decided that he wanted to be noticed for all his magnificence despite their company. Dragging the fingers of his free hand through luxuriously thick, dark brown hair that he liked to keep at a roughish length just above his shoulders, he grinned a perfect megawatt smile, his eyes practically glowing in the bright sunlight. Scratching at the stubble that was also kept at the perfect roguish length, Thane drew Erika closer and put his arm around her shoulders.

She held his waist but wasn't otherwise distracted by him. "It's a strange thing to be curious about."

"I'm also trying to keep your mind off the surrounding fauna," Thane admitted. "You're talking a whole hell of a lot clearer now, in case you haven't noticed."

She looked at the side of his face. "You take the weirdest mental side trips."

"I like to hear myself talk."

"Ja, I got that."

Thane grinned at her and stopped about a foot away from Jolie and the old woman he was talking to. She looked like she had been pretty in her better years, red hair replaced mostly by white. Both oldies glanced at the youngsters before going back to their conversation.

"So long story short," Jolie was saying, "Sunny's in jail for murdering some girl in a hotel? That sounds like bad news, Honey."

Thane groaned. He had a feeling he knew exactly where this was going. Maybe if he just killed them all he wouldn't have to be bothered with them. It certainly would be easier.

He stopped then, confused as to where that particular thought had come from. It didn't seem like one he would have. Except that it did; he frowned. It was almost as if a curtain had opened up in the back of his mind and that his binoculars were too weak to see what was going on but good enough to know that he was looking at himself. It was rather existential.

"It is bad news, Jolie." She wrung her hands. "You wouldn't be able to do anything about it, would you? I mean, I know that you retired from the whole crime fighting thing years ago, but maybe for old time's sake? I'd go get my get up on if I could remember where I put it."

Jolie looked at his companions before telling the woman, "They don't know about that."

She said, "Oh," and left it at that. Turning to them, she put out her hand. "Honey Eclipse. Jolie mentioned he was running around with a couple of kids, but I didn't know he meant such…large kids. You must have eaten all your vegetables while growing up." She was quite miniscule compared to the two well-over-six-foot tall Jedi but was taking in an eyeful of Thane nonetheless.

Erika shrugged. "I ate a lot fisk…er, fish. My people thrive on the mercury."

"I don't think she was seriously asking." Thane said.

"Oh. Right."

He just smiled, though, as he shook Honey's hand and introduced himself—minus the title concerning virginity (Thane could be polite, after all)—before introducing Erika as, "Erika Leifsson, Valkyrie-in-Training and Barmaid to the Gods and Fallen Warriors."

"My," Honey said, "you two do need your size to fit those titles. I must say that I'm impressed with the kind of people the Jedi seem to be rolling out these days. Back in my day…"

But Thane tuned out and turned to watch the ocean instead. It was rolling gently just beyond the man-made beach that was hardly visible for the beach blanket bingos and large colorful sunshades, the incoming tide playing dirty with the children on its edge. It ran when they chased it and came after them the moment they turned their back, causing panic among the parents. Thane couldn't help but chuckle.

"…but who wants to hear me ramble?" were the magical words that brought Thane back to his company. He turned back to Honey, who was looking at Jolie. "You should probably go to the jail and see if you can't talk to Sunny, Jolie. He'll want to see you at least, even if you fail in getting him out."

"No pressure or anything," Thane muttered to Erika. Neither old person heard him.

"We're not really doing anything important," Jolie replied. Thane thought about interjecting that they did indeed have something important to do, but chose not when he decided that Brazilla had made her bed in choosing to stay on the ship. No need to wake her now. "Just point us in the right direction and we're off."

Honey smiled brightly and pointed back the way they had come. "Head back to the West Pier. You can't miss it…"

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A/N02: I still don't feel terribly funny but felt obligated to write/post something. And, apparently, Erika's dialogue was all over the place. Sorry. Danglish is fun…

We? Nuh-uh. You, ven, vil be spending time in the suit. Det er ikke godt til mi hår." (We? Nuh-uh. You, friend, will be spending time in the suit. They aren't good for my hair.)

"Old people scare me… They're meget scary." (Old people scare me. I mean, Jolie's cool because you can almost forget he's old if you squint, but all these other people? They're very scary.)

"Men jeg hear… Leave me alone." (But I hear they can swarm when there are a lot of them, Look, I don't like them, okay? It's just as irrational as your fear of clowns, yeah? Leave me alone.)

"Ja. Det er the problem with knowing to sporg." (Yeah, that's the problem with knowing two languages.)

Credits:

"Holding out for a Hero" is by Frou Frou, "These Boots were made for Walking" is by Nancy Sinatra (et al), and Frank Morgan is the actor who played the Wizard of Oz. Oh, and Beach Blanket Bingo is an awesome movie.

And… Thanks to all the people who keep reading this thing. Sorry it's been sort of sucky, lately, with big breaks between chapters. Writer's Block. I think of it as the monstrous obstacle once seen in an episode of The Muppet Babies: a big letter block. Okay. This note is done.