Chapter 3: What If You

As noon arrived, Derek walked slowly towards the elevator to meet Meredith. The act seemed so regular. He would meet her at the elevator everyday before they went home. But today, walking there, it seemed so foreign. His heart was racing and time seemed to be moving to fast and to slow. He felt like his body was moving, but he wasn't. He waved at the nurses and smiled at his colleagues, but it didn't seem like he was living the life he saw from his eyes.

When he reached the elevator he saw her standing there, leaning against the wall, waiting for him, just as she had always done. When she saw him, they shared a smile, just as they had always done. When he reached her, they leant in for a kiss, just as they had always done. When the elevator arrived, they held hands and walked in, just as they had always done.

But they weren't the same as they had always been.

Their destination had changed and so had they: instead of clicking floor one, they clicked floor nine – oncology; and instead of being Derek and Meredith, happy, they were Derek and Meredith, scared.

They both tried to hide this though, pretending that everything was the same as it had always been. Derek told her about his day; how he had just clipped an aneurism; how he had overhead the nurses talking about someone's secret love affair; how Mark was freaking out over what he should get Lexie for her birthday. Meredith nodded and smiled when it seemed appropriate. But they both knew they were avoiding exactly where it was they were going.

Meredith couldn't take it anymore.

When she heard the bell ring, telling them that they were at floor seven, she started freaking out. She couldn't breath. Taking a step forward, she reached out and clicked the alarm button. She just wanted time to stop – for just a second.

"Meredith?" Derek questioned, as he walked forward and touched her back.

" I just," she breathed out. " I just…I need a moment."

"But Meredith…"

" No Derek!" she screamed, taking a step back and leaning against the wall. "I'm a doctor! I'm a doctor and I just need a second to realize that right now I'm not! Right now I'm the patient! And I just need a second to realize that! I need a second to realize that I'm going to have to switch roles from the role I've had for the past eight years. I just…I just…"

"You need a second," he answered understanding. "Just tell me when you're ready."

She turned around and faced the wall, leaning her hands against the railing, and dropping her head to her chest.

All at once, the world seemed to overwhelm her. She was scared. She wanted to run, but she felt so out of control. Like every step she took, was a step to determine her fate, a step that would either break or hold still…

She didn't know…

And that's what overwhelmed her…

She didn't know…

She couldn't breath…

She felt a hand on her back and then felt two arms wrap around her.

"Shhh," he whispered into her ear. "Just breath."

"I can't," she choked out.

"Yes you can," he whispered, as he cradled her closer to him. "In and out. In and out."

She leaned into him, allowing herself to collapse in his chest as he held her still. She felt his chest move with each breath he took and she tried to match her breaths with his.

"That's it," he said encouragingly, as she began to calm down. " In and out."

In and out, she thought, as she breathed. In and out.

As she leaned against him, she felt so safe. Like whatever the future held for her, she would be okay, because she had him there, holding her steady, wrapping his arms around her, just loving her.

"Thank You," she whispered, as she turned around and looked up into his blue eyes.

Smiling, he reached out to wipe a tear from her cheek. "You're okay."

"I'm okay," she breathed out, her eyes fixed on his. " I…I'm ready."

"You sure?" he asked, still rubbing her cheek. It felt nice, like he was wiping away all her fears.

"Yes," she breathed out.

Slowly, he turned around, stepped forward and released the alarm button. As the elevator began to move again, she reached out and grabbed onto his hand.

Their fingers remained interlaced for the rest of the day. He held her hand as she recited all of her symptoms to the doctor. He held her hand as they drew vile after vile of blood. He held her hand as they performed test after test - a bone marrow aspiration, a lumbar puncture, a chest x-ray, and an ultrasound. He held her hand as they explained her diagnosis.

It was Leukemia. Acute Myeloid Leukemia to be exact. And it had Central Nervous System involvement.

He held her hand tighter when they told her that.

And then, he held it even tighter when they talked to her about their treatment plan.

They wanted to start treating it immediately – chemotherapy once every three days along with intrathecal treatment, where they would inject anticancer drugs directly into her spinal cord, once every three weeks.

He held her hand when they told her they wanted to start treatment tomorrow.

He held her hand when they told her she had a fifty percent survival rate.

He held her hand when the doctors gave them a moment and she started crying in his arms.

He held her hand as they wheeled her to the elevator.

He held her hand as he helped her stand up, supporting her weight as she leaned painfully against him.

He held her hand as he carefully walked her to the car and as they silently drove home.

He held her hand when he carried her inside the house and up the stairs.

He held her hand as they lay down, arms wrapped around one another, and as she told him she didn't want to tell the kids – not yet, not until they needed to, that is, not until it got really bad.

He held her hand as she started crying.

He held her hand when she told him I love you.

He held her hand when he told her I love.

He held her hand as she fell asleep in his arms.

He would hold her hand forever, he promised. Never letting go, forcing her to stay there with him, connected to him, forever, until they grow old and gray, together.