-1Title: The Human Need

Music: Pushing Me Away -Linkin Park

Rating: M

Disclaimer: I don't own KH or FF

Pairing: CloudXRiku

A/N: Thank you for leaving reviews for Christian. It means a lot to me. Also, I recently wrote a fic for Ouran High School Host Club called "I Love You Too Brother" check it out when you have the time.

The Human Need

Chapter 5

For the second time in one week I found myself sitting on Cloud's couch, staring at a wall of paintings. Red, blue, green, brown, they all seemed to swirl and dance in my vision.

Yellow parted the vortex and captured my attention, causing everything to return to its original real state. Though at that time, I couldn't honestly say what was real any more.

I continued to follow Cloud's head as he came over to sit next to me, a first aid kit in tow. He plopped onto the couch, rummaged through the box, and came up with a small bottle of alcohol, a couple balls of cotton, and a pair of tweezers.

"I'm sorry I upset you…" he said as he began rubbing down the tweezers with alcohol. When he was satisfied, he reached over to grab my hand.

I pulled it away. "I don't need your help, or your sympathy." Our eyes locked. "Why don't you just leave me alone?"

He was quiet then, we both were, and we just stared at each other. Then he leaned forward and grabbed my hand, pulling it to him so he could remove the glass. By this time a thin scab had formed over the surface, but he peeled it back to get at the pieces of glass still inside the flesh.

"Damn it that hurts!" I tried to pull my hand from his grip, but he had a tight hold on my wrist.

"Shut up and let me get this out. You still have a couple slivers of glass in there. If they stay there, you'll only hurt yourself more."

The tweezers pokes into the thin cut, and came up with a shiny slice. I winced. "I don't care, it still hurts."

"You sound like a little kid," Cloud retorted while trying to remove a particularly stubborn piece. A drop of blood bubbled up under his ministrations and he used a ball of cotton to dab it away. "Riku…why were you so angry? I mean, I understand that my words upset you in some way, but I just never thought you would get that angry."

I looked away, partially because I didn't want to answer him, and partially because I couldn't stand to see him pick at my skin.

We were both quiet for several minute, the only sound being the rhythmic tick tock of the cheap cat clock that hung above the kitchen counter, and the occasional tap of the tweezers closing.

Finally Cloud put the tweezers away and pulled out a bandage wrap to place over my hand. He broke the silence.

"I'm all done. I might have missed some, so go easy on using that hand for a while alright?" He pulled the cloth tight over my skin and tied it off.

Being the stubborn boy that I am, I kept my eyes on the cat clock and kept my mouth closed.

"Riku….Do you hate me?"

I looked up at him, knowing the answer, but unwilling to say it, that yes, I hated him. I hated him beyond all reason, because he constantly threw me into turmoil. He was the bane of my existence, and he was the only thing keeping me here, despite my will to leave. I suddenly wanted to feel the pain in my hand again, to give my an excuse to not answer him.

"I should go…" I replied. I stood up from my place on the couch and turned toward the door. But Cloud pulled me back again, like he had been doing since the day I met him.

"Sit down. I'm not letting you leave just yet." He pulled me back onto the couch and held me there. "Look, maybe I've been a jackass, and maybe I've been pushing you too far, but I honestly don't want to see you throw your life away. It's like you're slipping away from this world every day, and that hurts me, because you have so much to live for. But you only seem to want to die. I thought I was helping you….but….I only seemed to hurt you." He turned my head towards him so that my hesitant aqua eyes met his luminescent, determined ones. "I'm sorry Riku. If you want me to leave you alone, I will. You just have to say it."

I didn't answer. I didn't say a single word. I just got up off the couch once more and left the apartment. Cloud didn't try to stop me, but then again, he didn't really need to. I didn't reply to him at all, I never let him know.

So I suppose, in a way….I was giving him permission.

0-------------------------------0

I went to the art room the next night. Only God knows why I went. I could have stayed in my room, I could have gone for a walk off campus, I could have slept, I could have done so many things….

But I went to the art room.

Cloud was sitting there, waiting for me when I walked in. He was sitting with his legs crossed and his head supported by his hands. He looked so tired, and worn out. For a fleeting moment I wondered why, but it passed. I didn't care. I was just here to tell him to leave me alone, to finish saying what I couldn't last night.

So I walked forward until I was standing in front of him. He slowly lifted his head up to stare into my eyes. I noticed that the saturated blue of his irises was somewhat duller, not as shiny. But then again, it was probably the light.

"Riku…" he started, but I looked away before he could finish, cutting him off.

"I'm sick of this Cloud. I'm sick of you trying to save me, when you don't even know who I am or what I need." I turned back to him. "This needs to stop."

Those tired blue eyes of his seemed to grow a shade paler, and he looked down into his lap once more. "I was afraid you were going to say that."

"So are we clear?" I asked. Somewhere, deep down, I wanted to kick myself for possibly hurting this guy who only wanted to help me. But the more determined side of me won out. "You're going to leave me alone?"

He let out a long sigh and ran a hand through his mess of spikes. His eyes closed and he nodded slowly. "Fine, Have it your way…By the way…I took the liberty of painting over your canvas from last night." He gestured loosely toward a corner of the room. "Seeing as how it upset you and all."

I nodded and walked over to that corner of the room. Sure enough, my canvas sat atop a small easel, blank. "Thank you," I started, but I stopped when I heard the table move. Cloud was standing up, and heading toward the doorway.

"Where are you going?" I asked, slightly alarmed. Don't ask me why I felt that way, I just did.

"You don't want me around anymore remember?" Cloud said, looking back at me. "I'll see you sometime maybe…just don't kill yourself ok?"

"Hold on…" I sputtered. "I said I didn't want you interfering, that doesn't mean you can't stick around." Why was I saying this? I honestly couldn't have told you at the time. Possibly it was because I secretly didn't want Cloud to follow my instructions, and possibly it was because I enjoyed the older man's company. For all I knew, it could have been something entirely different. Just, for some odd reason, I didn't want him to go, despite how I thought I felt.

"I'm sorry Riku…I have work I need to catch up on…" Cloud replied. He started to walk out, then stopped and looked back at me. "Unless….you would like to come over to my place?"

Something deep inside my brain said no, but something else, the irrational me, said yes, and I went with it.

"Well. I guess I could." What the hell was I doing? I had just got done telling this guy to fuck off. Why was I accepting an invite to his apartment?

Some of the color seemed to flicker back into Cloud's eyes, and he motioned me toward the door. "After you. I think you know where it is by now."

We got to Cloud's place a few minutes later, and I found myself on his couch for the 3rd time. Only this time I had consciously chosen to go there. It even almost seemed familiar by now. I recognized things in the room I hadn't even known that I'd looked at before. Individual paintings stuck out like sore thumbs to me, the cat clock looked a bit out of place. The red leather of the couch suddenly seemed too bright for the surrounding furniture. Since when did I notice things like that?

Cloud handed me a cup of coffee, then picked up his own Mickey Mouse cup and sipped at the bitter liquid. Then he reached into his pocket and pulled out a few pills before swallowing those as well.

"What were those?"

"What were what?" he responded, sitting down on a stool in front of a small desk.

"Those pills?"

"…Vitamins." he replied. "Just vitamins."

"Oh…" I took a sip of the coffee. EW. It was really bitter. "Do you have any cream?"

"In the kitchen," was his short reply. Man, this guy didn't talk much did he?

"Oh alright…" I got up to go get some cream, when a covered up canvas caught my eye. It was leaning against the wall with a sheet draped over it. I could see a splash of blue in the corner.

"Hey what's this?" I asked, walking over and starting to take the sheet off. Cloud turned to look and was there in a flash, his hand on mine.

"Don't touch that…" he growled, pulling my hand back. He must have noticed me wincing, because he released my hand. "Oh shit…" he sighed. "That was your bad hand huh?…I'm sorry Riku.." He turned away. "Sorry, just…don't touch that."

"What is it?"

"Nothing you need to worry about." Cloud replied. He looked up. "The cream is um…in the fridge."

He started to walk past me, but I reached out and grabbed his arm, then looked back at the covered painting. "Come on…show me what's under there….it's the least you can do after everything you've put me through."

"I said no…" he growled. "There are some things that are private Riku. I'm not going to show it to you."

"Oh come on," I replied. "After all the shit you put me through? You think this is too private to show me?"

I was being a dick, and I knew it. Cloud knew it too, if the small vein that was popping in his forehead was any indication. "I said no Riku."

"But,"

"I said no!" he growled, shoving me back against the wall. I yelped and dropped the cup of coffee, letting it hit the hardwood floor and shatter. Cloud's hands were on either side of my head, and I suddenly became afraid. I had felt a lot of things around Cloud, but I never really had been afraid of him. For the first time I noticed how muscular he was.

"C-cloud?" I croaked.

"I'm sick of it Riku…" he hissed. "I tried to be nice to you, I tried to help you. I don't know why I even tried." He shook his head. "You don't know how patient I've been trying to handle you, trying not to hurt you." His hands balled into fists, the nails scraping across the wall.

"Patient? Trying not to hurt me?" I raised my hand, which was still covered in a bandage. "You see this? I wouldn't have gotten this if it wasn't for you!"

"You also would have been dead by now." Cloud slammed his fist into the wall next to my head, causing me to wince. "I don't know what you've been through Riku, and I don't care anymore. You want me out? Fine, I'll get out. I'll stay out of your life entirely if that's what you want. Go ahead and screw up your life."

"This isn't about me is it?" I growled. "None of this was about me at all was it? If it was, you never would have pushed so hard. You didn't act angry like this until I mentioned that damn painting. What is it you're hiding from?"

"And what the fuck do you care? You're too wrapped up in your own self-pity to notice the things around you! Did you happen to miss that you have a devoted friend who cares about you? Were you so oblivious that you couldn't see everything that you had? You're so preoccupied with your losses you can't see your winnings!"

"How do you know what I'm going through? You don't even know me! I'm just a random kid you can mind-fuck for your sick pleasure. Just stay the hell out of it!"

"I know all about your boyfriend and what happened to you. And believe you me Riku, you aren't the only one to have loss in your life."

I stood there, shocked. He knew about Axel? He knew about what I was going through? But…all the things he did…they weren't nurturing hugs and such that everyone gave me. I had assumed that he hadn't known, because no one did. What the fuck was going on?

"What the hell are you talking about?" I whispered.

"Maybe if you pull your head out of your ass long enough, you'll see what I mean." He pulled his hands back and turned away from me. "Get out of my apartment. I don't want to see you here again."

Confused, and more than a little hurt (for whatever reason) I turned and left.

What the hell had just happened?

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Hmm…I have nothing much to say, except thank you everyone who left a message for Christian.

Namikun Masaki: Thanks for being my beta! I didn't give you this chapter, but I'll give you everything after this (that is if you still want to beta for me. I'm unpredictable ):

Page of Cups: Tragedy and Angst are what I do best, don't ask me why. Riku might learn his lesson, but it's going to take some time. He isn't too good at letting go.

BlackIceNinja: most of the stuff professors have you read suck. That's why I like online fiction, most of it is so much better than school assigned crap.

Nox Wicked: Yeah, raw emotion (to me) makes the story. If there is no raw emotion, there is no story, because it isn't real enough. Humans are emotional creatures, we thrive off of our feelings, we act by them, we live for them, and we die for them. Without emotion, what are we left with?

Ladytigger4lyfe: I write death fics because I've had experience with it. My father died young, and the emotions I felt and how I dealt with it will always be ingrained in my memory.

Mr.Harlequin: Love ya, truly do. I've been working on doing your fic, but I'm having problems since Marly isn't a char I usually work with. I've re-written the same chap 5 times, and I've finally settled on an AU fic. It's coming along, and I should be able to get it to you soon.

Riku-Rocks:I am seriously pulling each chapter out of my ass. There is absolutely no plan here (except for one thing about Cloud's past) and I'm interested to see how this develops. For me, my best stories are the ones where I have no idea what is going to happen until it does.

English professor: HOW DARE YOU NOT PLAN AHEAD

Me: (shoots English Professor) STFU you old bag.