Disclaimer: I own nothing. Not Buffy. Not Highlander.
A/N: This chapter takes place in the thoughts of Spike, Amanda and Buffy.
CHAPTER EIGHT - Introspection
Vineyard
Just prior to sundown Buffy, Spike and Amanda pulled up about half a mile from the vineyard. As they sat waiting each was lost in their own thoughts.
Spike
From the backseat Spike glanced at Buffy from under his lashes. He still loved her – but he knew that with the Highlander's arrival in Sunnydale any chance he might have had with her was lost. She loved him – but it wasn't romantic. To her they were family – she would die for him, kill for him – but he would never have her back in his bed. It made his unbeating heart heavy. He shook his head – what they had would have to be enough for him. He would do anything for her and if she was happy with someone else then he would be happy for her. Damn, he hated being selfless. He'd have blamed it on the soul but he knew he'd have done the same thing without it.
Amanda
Amanda was also watching Buffy. It was hard for her to think of her with that name. She would always be Bella to her. Her best friend, her sister and god help her she was jealous of her. Amanda had been Duncan's lover off and on over the years they'd known each other. In her own way she'd been in love with him. She'd never really pushed their relationship beyond the physical and she knew that now she would never have the chance. As soon as things were finished in Sunnydale she needed a vacation, preferably one that involved liberating shiny valuables from their prior owners. Maybe Spike would want to come with her. He was always good for a laugh and damn if he wasn't an excellent thief.
Buffy
Buffy's thoughts were far away from the confines of the vehicle she was in. In her mind she saw her first day at Sunnydale High. She'd been so carefree then – more so than in many years. It had been hard going back to being a teenager but in some ways it had been liberating. She'd loved the sweet naiveté of Willow and Xander. But those feelings hadn't lasted long – first Jesse had died and then Angelus had come back into her life. A swell of bitterness overtook her as she thought of the souled vampire and their relationship. She remembered the look on his face after she'd knocked him on his ass in that alley – he'd thought she was going to kill him – but she saw the pain in his eyes and no matter their history she wanted the story behind that look before she staked him.
She'd been disbelieving when he first told her of the gypsy curse but Angelus had never been that good of an actor. Over time she and the vampire, who insisted on being called Angel, had become friends. No one had been more surprised than her when she'd fallen in love with him. But the shock of waking up to Angelus after they'd made love had been unbearable. It had taken weeks for her to overcome her heart to the point where she could kill him but by then Jenny Calendar was dead. She'd had a hard time working up much sympathy for the woman – after all she'd known the details of the curse – she could have warned them. But she did feel anguish for Giles and for the death of Angel's soul.
If she would admit it to herself it was Angelus' return that had changed her relationship with the Scoobies forever. They'd stopped trusting her – unable to understand how hard it was to see the face of the man she'd loved and know she would have to kill him. But then he'd become almost crazed in his obsession to raise Acathla and send the world to hell. And when he took Dru back to his bed breaking Spike's heart it had been the final straw. She'd been ready to face him and with Spike's help she had but it hadn't been Angelus the soulless killer she'd sent to hell it had been Angel. The pain in his eyes had destroyed her and as she'd plunged the sword into his body sending him to hell she'd condemned herself as well.
Later when she'd learned of Xander's betrayal she'd blamed herself. Now years later she looked back and knew she'd allowed them to use her guilt over Angelus to control her. For someone who was 3,000 years old she'd been very foolish but it showed that despite her age she was human and guilt was a powerful emotion that even she was still subject to.
After she'd returned from a summer in L.A. trying to regain her balance she'd just been going through the motions. Not letting anyone close. Angel's return had been bittersweet and his refusal to stay hadn't broken her nearly as much as she'd thought it would. She didn't blame him for what happened but she knew the pain he'd caused her and those she loved was too much to overcome for them to ever be together again.
Nothing had been the same after that year. She'd grown away from the Scoobies feeling every one of her 3,000 years. It was really only Spike's company that had kept her sane. Granted he was just a baby compared to her but he'd seen the world – the good and the bad – she'd needed someone who was just as jaded as her. She looked at him and a small smile played on her lips. He'd been a good friend and later lover. Often times she was sorry that she wasn't able to fall in love with him but you couldn't help who you fell in love with. She knew that now. She'd learned so much about love in the last few years. With Joyce and Dawn she'd known the unconditional love of family. But until Duncan had walked into the mansion this morning she hadn't thought she'd ever fall in love again. It had taken only one look and the feel of his arms around her and she was head over heels.
Slowly, she came back to the present. The little walk down memory lane she'd just taken wouldn't do her any good. The sun was down she needed to focus on what was about to happen in the vineyard.