I sat on the outside of the bathroom door with my back to the wall trying to coax Ginji out, "Come on. It's not like I've never seen you naked before."

I had been sitting outside so long that I had gone so far as to order sushi as incentive for him to emerge. That didn't work. It was laying, discarded, on the nightstand. I was growing impatient.

He whimpered from the other side, "Ban-chan, this isn't funny. Give me my clothes back."

"Who says I'm joking?" I took a long drag at my cigarette, "You'll get your clothes back sometime after you come out."

I won the bet with Emishi two months ago. But, I should have lost on a technicality. For the first twenty days of the bet nothing changed. He was like a collapsing star. The colder he became, the more inwardly he drew, and the closer the people who rotate around him came. Everyone wanted to get a light laugh or a warm smile out of him.

Paul played music in the Honky Tonk that he knows Ginji likes to dance to. But, Ginji wouldn't dance. Natsumi slipped him treats which he ignored. Hevn wore low cut tops and short skirts and he didn't look. Emishi made jokes and he didn't even pretend that they were good. He didn't respond to any of Makubex's e-mails. Kazuki started conversations with him but he wouldn't listen. Jubeei would try to share silence with him. But, he would walk away.

However, on the twenty-first day, as if he knew the nature of the bet between Emishi and I, he burst free of his dark spell. It was as if a window had open in him and he was seeing the world for the first time. I knew he would return to me eventually. But, the radiance of his smile was blindingly brilliant that morning when he woke up.

I did not question although, his sudden change caught me by surprise. It was like getting caught staring directly into the sun at the end of an eclipse. You realize that the darkness will end. But, you can never tell when the sun will slip warmly back into view. He caught me by surprise in the same way.

That day he took the Honky Tonk by storm. Kazuki and Jubeei left in the middle of his animated reenactment of out last mission. I don't blame them. He hardly came up for air.

Kazuki turned to Jubeei as they were leaving and gasped, "I think my ears are bleeding."

Jubeei turned back to him and asked with concern, "Honestly?"

He consumed an entire strawberry pie then broke a teacup as he danced around the café. Shido turned on his heel and left the moment he saw what kind of mood Ginji was in, like a dog that retreats to a corner after he senses that his tail is going to be pulled by a hyperactive child. Finally, I had to drag him out kicking and screaming when he mistakenly fried Hevn's palm pilot because it was going too slow as he tried to compose an e-mail to Makubex. He wanted to apologize. I did not want to foot the bill.

A light had clicked back on somewhere in him. However, privately, he was still mourning. He took long, scalding hot showers and he did not allow me to see him naked. He avoided mirrors almost like I do. And when girls made eyes at him on the street he shifted uncomfortably, instead of making a fool of himself like he used to. He wouldn't let me help him. He was keeping me on the other side of a locked door.

For a while I thought that was all well and good. He was hurt in a way that I cannot even begin to understand. He had every right to mourn. I allowed him to make whatever advances he wanted, let him open up slowly. But, it dawned on me, that he has been hurt in two ways. He was hurt at his core, in that way I cannot understand and that hurt was making him afraid to trust me, or anyone for that matter.

One of his greatest strengths is the trust he has in people. In his eyes everyone is good. Right now, he is just afraid to believe that. That trust is something I think I can get back for him. I started to think that I should be a little more forceful in coaxing him open. After all, he would be more likely to open his door if I was knocking. Right? Besides, he said something that day which offended me.

When we kissed before he got into the shower he broke away and breathed, "I hate my body. It's just a piece of meat."

Maybe he didn't know I heard him. But, that's no matter. I had a major problem with him saying that. That was beyond mourning. As far as I was concerned it was voluntary self-mutilation. He was sabotaging his own recovery. More importantly, I love him. And I could not let him go on thinking something like that.

His body is much more then just flesh. To me it is sacred: no matter where it has been or what has happened to it. His body is where his soul lives and I have made my home in his soul. I know it sounds sappy and under the pain of torture I would never admit this aloud: but, no matter where I am, if I am with him I am at home. Both he and his body are miraculously beautiful. I cannot allow him to think any differently.

I called his name again. He didn't answer. I gave a warning growl, "You know you're just making it worse for yourself, Ginji."

He accused, "Ban, you're mean," then paused. "Gimme my boxers back and I'll come out."

I unbuttoned my new shirt—which looked exactly like my old one, "You can have my shirt. But, that's all you get."

The room was silent for a moment before the door clicked open. He took the offered shirt then slammed the door shut again.

I heard him murmur, "Bastard."

He hardly ever swears. In fact, he scolds me if I do. I didn't know what to say. So, I persisted, "You comin' out?"

Finally, the door opened again and there he was – frowning and blushing deeply at the same time. The shirt was buttoned up and came down just enough to cover his ass. He had the sleeves rolled up.

"Why are you doing this to me?"

I have to admit, I was still a little pissed off at him for acting so childish. But, I kept my cool. The last thing he needed was for me to yell at him. I remained sitting with my back against the wall, "Come out, Ginji."

He took a step and dug his toes into the plush carpet. "Shut the door behind you and stay put."

I slowly finished my cigarette, put it out then stood. When I got up I gently took him from behind and guided him over to a full length mirror which was fastened to the hotel room door. I cupped his chin in my hand and adjusted his head so he was facing the mirror. His eyes were cast down and to the side.

"Look, Ginji," I commanded.

"Why are you punishing me like this? I didn't do anything wrong," his voice was very even – indifferent, almost. But, he looked as if he was about to cry. I wiped the tears from the corners of his eyes before they could fall.

I encouraged and that helped: "Relax, Ginji. Trust me. You're okay. No tears. I'm not going to hurt you."

He needs me to be gentle with him as well as strong. He glanced up. Our eyes met in the mirror.

"See?" I soothed, "That isn't so bad."

I held him against my chest and the back of his head was soft against my neck and the side of my face. I continued, "Don't hide anymore. There isn't anything to hide from."

I unfastened the top button with my free hand. He tensed and shivered electrically as if threatened. I warned, "Control yourself."

He took a deep, shuddering breath. The hint of electricity faded from the air. He still shook like a leaf against me though. I paused in unbuttoning him to occupy his mouth with my fingers. He yielded. I had the feeling that I was either helping him a great deal or harming him a great deal. Either way it was too late to turn back.

His tongue was warm and velvety and his lips were wet against the pads of my fingers. He gasped when I removed my fingers from his mouth and plunged my hand into his shirt across his nipples. He clung to my forearms and looked away again as if disgusted with his body's natural reaction to my touch.

I insisted, "There isn't anything dirty about this. You aren't doing anything wrong." I kissed down his exposed neck. "It's just me, Ginji. Look." He looked up again. I smiled at him, "I think you're beautiful and I'm always right. Aren't I?"

"Almost always," he admitted. I was relieved at this reaction from him. Last month if I had tried to pull a stunt like this he would probably have cried until his eyes went red and raw.

I grinned, "That's right." But, the look on my face, I noticed as I looked into the mirror, was, as usual, more carnivorous than warm. I nuzzled against his shoulder, trailed one hand down his stomach. He relaxed almost imperceptibly. I took that as an invitation and plunged my hand swiftly downward.

How he whispered my name when I took hold of him confused me. I couldn't tell if he was pleading protest or pleading with pleasure. The way I had my arms wrapped around him I could feel his heart pounding against the inside of his ribs. He shivered and gasped while I whispered encouragement.

I didn't tease. I worked steadily because I did not want to lose the glow of the small positive reaction I had gained from him. His eyes shined and looked at nothing in particular. And when he came his black lashes closed. His head was turned away from me. He sucked in air through his teeth as if in pain then sighed it out with a little begging cry of, "Ah, Ban-chan."

I held him up for a moment as he wobbled on unsteady legs. His skin was damp and warm. I kissed him before he twisted away and collapsed face down on the bed. I retreated guiltily to the bathroom and avoided my own eyes in the mirror as I washed my hands.

I stuck my head out the door and asked, rather pathetically, "You need something, Gin? Like… a washcloth?" 'Or a therapist or some tranquilizers, maybe, because you're probably freaking out,' I added mentally.

I didn't see him anywhere. I ventured fearfully back into the room with the sorry, limp washcloth in my hand and asked the empty space.

"Ginji?"

I stood there dumbly for a minute, listening for signs of life. There weren't any, not one sound for a full minute. It was like a nightmare, standing, not entirely knowing what I should do. If he had left he couldn't have gotten far. I decided I should look for him before he got lost.

I gathered my nerves and almost had a heart attack when the bed asked, "Ban-chan?" Ginji sat up, completely shrouded in the covers. I just looked at him. There was an uncertain whine to his voice like he was going to cry. I silently prayed he wouldn't.

He opened his mouth like he was going to say something. I leaned forward intently. He started to cry. I couldn't have felt more terrible. He is the only one I would ever say this to: "Oh, God, Ginji. I am so sorry. I am so sorry."

I gathered him up in my lap. He sobbed wetly and made terrible sounds that only hurt children and hurt Ginjies make. I couldn't have been sorrier. I rocked and promised him that everything was going to be alright. I would have taken that hurt he had into me if I could have. I really wish I could have. After a while, his uncontrollable sobs became more restrained.

He hiccupped. He again asked, "Ban-chan?"

I answered, "Yeah?"

He hiccupped again, "I'm hungry."

I buried my face against the beautiful part of his neck where it joins with his shoulder that smells like him, "You idiot. There is sushi next to the bed."

So, he sat there shoveling food in his face, still crying like a maniac. And I just had to ask – because it was killing me, "Ginji?"

He answered, "Yeah?"

"You know," it was hard to force the words out but, I meant them, "I love you, right?" Pathetic – I felt weak for needing that assurance.

He took a long time in answering and by the time he had, his tears had stopped and the sushi plate was totally cleared. "Yes, Ban-chan. I know you love me. I am hurt, and I'm sad. But, I know you love me."

"Good," I sighed. I needed to see his smile. "Then I should consider operation 'sexual roulette' a success?"

He yawned sleepily, half-smiling, "Whatever, lunatic."

I didn't smack him for calling me a name. We curled up together like two spoons and I watched as his breathing evened and he fell asleep. I was very relieved.

I had almost fallen asleep myself when there was a knock at the door. It was insistent. I snuggled closer to Ginji and willed it to go away. Not only did I want to leave the warmth of our bed but, as stupid as it sounds, I felt like there was some terrible news waiting on the other side of the door. I eased away from Ginji and tip toed to answer the knocking.

I looked through the peephole. I was surprised. It was Hevn, standing there with her boobs hanging out and looking nervous in the rather seedy part of the city in which we were staying. I opened the door and greeted her, "How'd you find us, Milkmounds?"

"If you call me that one more time I'm going to pour sugar in your gas tank. See how high and mighty you are then with no money and no wheels," she frowned, pulled at her bra. Those things must be heavy as hell but, it doesn't at all affect her queenly posture. "Besides, I think that the proper question here would be, 'Why did you bother to find us at this time of night, in this part of the city? It must be important.'"

I felt like I needed a cigarette, "Fine. Why?"

She looked genuinely concerned. I knew this was something that would not be pretty, "It's Emishi."

It wouldn't be something that I would want to tell Ginji, "What about Emishi?"