Disclaimer: All characters, events, and places from Twilight belong to the all-powerful Stephenie Meyer.
FOREVER
'Cause I'm broken
When I'm open
And I don't feel like I am strong enough
'Cause I'm broken
When I'm lonesome
And I don't feel light when you're gone away
- Seether
And she ran. Like, really ran. Fast.
Since she was standing by the open door she thought, what the hell, why not?
She knew it was cowardly, but she really didn't care. I mean, seriously what the fuck was that? He loves her; he loves her?
Since when?
So, she ran, and she didn't stop. Bella ran all the way out the front door and into the forest near the house.
Once she was deep inside the woods, hidden by the many trees and thick brush, she stopped and sat on a rock behind her.
She heaved her breaths in and out; even though she didn't need to breath, the air helped to clear her head.
Oh my God, oh my God oh my God oh my God oh my God oh my God oh my God oh my God.
Bella sat there trying to sort everything out in her head, but the way all her thoughts were spinning around and around, was making it a little difficult. Was she hallucinating? Had she gone crazy and was making things up in her head?
No, she wasn't delusional, just freaked out to the point of no return.
She slowly stood up and began to walk through the forest. She wondered if he would come after her. She really, really hoped he wouldn't; then there was a part of her that wished he would.
Bella continued walking until she had made it all the way back into to town. It was late, and not many people were out. The whole place was quiet, and she stood there a minute enjoying it.
Then she walked some more. Another foot, another mile, a few inches, then a mile again. She was completely unconscious of time, and where she was going; she just kept moving. If she stopped, she might never move again.
Finally, she stopped. She looked to the forest beside her, she looked to the houses in front of her, and then her eyes landed on the man that was standing only two feet away from her.
Bella stepped back as his scent hit her. Her nose burned, her teeth clenched, and an involuntary growl built in her chest.
WerewolfShe shuddered at the thought. She hated dogs, and even though she knew there was a pack living on the Indian Reservation near Forks, but she didn't expect to meet one face to face.
"You're not supposed to be here," the mutt growled at her.
Great, this is just what she needed right now.
"I'm still on my side of the boundary line, no rules broken," she said innocently, "I'm allowed to stand here."
Carlisle had already made a treaty with these wolves a few years back when the family had first come to Forks. Bella had seen the pack a few times before, but of course there was a new generation of them roaming around since the Cullens been gone.
The werewolf continues to glare at her.
"I don't think we've met before. I'm Isabella Marie Swan Cullen," Bella said, putting on her cheesiest smile. "And, you are…"
"Sam," he grunted.
"You're not very talkative are you," Bella said through clenched teeth. This damn dog was starting to get annoying, treating her so uncivilized, as though he was too good to talk to her.
"I knew you bloodsuckers were back, but I've never seen you up close," he said in a low voice.
"So, now you're just reveling in my beauty, right?" Bella said smirking at him.
Sam just made a gagging sound in the back of his throat.
"You know you and your…family," he almost choked on that word, "have been causing us quite some trouble down here."
"Glad to hear it," Bella said still smirking.
"Your return as caused a whole chain of transformations. The gene is multiplying rapidly," he said sorrowfully.
"Oh, well that is a problem. I, mean the last thing we want is more dogs around, but since it's causing you so much distress then I'm not so worried," she said back. And she really meant it too. Bella felt nothing but disdain for werewolves.
"Just get the hell away from our land, and go home," Sam spat at her turning on his heels. God, he was so snotty. Bella desperately wanted to hit him so hard it knocked that wolf gene right out of him.
"Gladly," she said turning away too. "You know you could at least be a little gentlemanly. You don't have to act like such a mangy mutt."
He turned around at that. "Have a good night," his voice was suddenly calm, and smooth. "Isabella."
"Oh, you can call me Bella," she said turning around. But he was already walking away.
Even with his back to her she could hear him mutter, "I really don't think so, Isabella."
Bella climbed through her bedroom window around 7:00 the next morning. All she had to do was change her clothes, go to school, and avoid anyone from her family at all costs.
No such luck.
As soon as she had pulled the black, wool sweater over her head Alice walked through the door.
"Where in the hell were you last night. I know what happened," she said as soon as the door was closed.
"Well, good morning to you too," Bella said, as pleasantly as she could. She walked over to her vanity and brushed through her hair, which was slightly curled from the rain she had encountered from her night outside.
"Why'd you go? What were you thinking? Why didn't you tell him you love him back?" Alice fired questions out. Bella knew there was more to come.
"Maybe I didn't tell him because, because maybe I don't…love him…anymore," Bella said trying to brake the news to her sister gently.
Although, the words sounded weird in her mouth. It helped that she didn't use Edward's name directly.
"EXCUSE ME!" Alice's head almost exploded, seriously, Bella saw it shake with force.
"Oh come on Al, you didn't honestly think that I would just run back into his arms, because he said her loved me, did you?"
"Yes."
Bella pulled her hair back from her face with a red ribbon, that she tied in a bow on the side of her head.
"Well, I didn't. And I'm not going to," she said.
"This is ridiculous," Alice said in disbelief. "Absolutely ridiculous." She looked like she was going to cry, if she could.
"Alice, don't be that way. This isn't the first time we've split. Maybe Edward and I just aren't meant to be," Bella said firmly, though she could hardly understand it herself.
"If you love me, if you really love me, you'll get back together with him," Alice said sitting down on the bed.
Bella followed and sat beside her. "Alice, you're my sister and I love more than anything. But, if you love me then you'll respect my decision."
Alice gave her a look that said no way, but before she could say anything Bella continued.
"Look, I know you, and everyone else, wants to see us back together. I'll admit the not so rational part of me wants it too. I mean really wants it." Bella stopped for a minute before she went on, "But, I can't be with him anymore, I really can't. If I was with Edward again, I don't think I could take it, physically or emotionally."
Bella paused again gathering her words carefully. "If we did get back together I would literally bust. My entire being would shatter into a million tiny pieces. I just couldn't take it."
Alice stared at her with understanding, which surprised Bella; she didn't think Alice would grasp what she was saying.
"Ok, I get that," Alice began slowly, "But honestly honey, that's going to happen anyway It wouldn't be for awhile, but you would bust eventually," Alice was looking Bella right in the eyes now.
For some reason Bella had to agree with her sister. All the time Edward and Bella spent apart Bella had felt like a ticking bomb, just waiting to explode.
"But, if you two were together, at least he would be there to pick up the pieces, and put them back together," Alice finished.
After that Alice stood up and left Bella alone to think things over. And Bella did think, she thought so much she was afraid her head would have a mental meltdown.
What she thought about the most was the one though she really didn't want to think.
Maybe Alice was right.
Bella drove to school alone. She didn't sit near any of her family in the classes they had together. She didn't even join them at lunch.
Instead she stood near the doorway to lunchroom and waited, until she saw the person she was looking for.
He walked up alone and didn't see her at first.
Then, Bella reached out and grabbed Ryan's arm. As soon as he saw her he smiled one of those big smiles that she loved.
Before he could say anything she led him out of the school and around to the back. As soon as they were there Ryan pushed Bella against the wall and put his mouth to hers. They had been doing this for weeks and he was used to the routine by now.
His boldness surprised Bella a little; usually she was the one who made the first move. However, she squelched her surprise quickly and gently pushed him away.
"What's wrong?" Ryan asked, looking at her concerned
"Nothing," Bella said hesitantly. She wasn't sure what she was doing.
"Something's wrong," he stated.
"Well…" Bella looked around searching for something to say. "It's just things at home are a little…weird, right now. I don't know, I've been doing some thinking."
"That doesn't sound good," Ryan said doubtfully.
"Well you might not so, but you kind of have to trust me when I say that really it is," she told him.
"Yeah, this isn't good," he sighed and took a step back from her. Suddenly he was very nervous and on edge. Whatever she was going to say, he wasn't going to like.
"We can't keep doing this," she said with some difficulty.
Ryan just stood there, looking at the ground, nodding his head like he was expecting this. He looked like he was going to cry, and Bella's heart reached out to him. She knew what being told goodbye felt like.
"So…you're…just gonna stand there and…and what?" he was stumbling and looking like any minute he might break. Humans always looked fragile to Bella, but this was just kind of sad.
"You can't do this. I mean, you just turn around and decide—"he wasn't sure what to say, but eventually he'd get the point across. However, Bella just wanted to be done already. She couldn't take much more of this…what? Breakup?
"I know you think I'm like this beyond perfect person, but I'm not. I'm not good. I'm not good for you, or just not good in general. You can do better than me, and if we stayed together then you would be in danger. And, I know you can't understand that, but, like I said, you have to trust me," Bella tried to explain everything as clearly as possible.
Now he started shake his head in denial, but didn't speak. His eyes were brimming.
"We can't be anything. I'm sorry. But, you need to forget about me and about everything that's happened. I'm sorry," Bella walked past him to go back into the school.
He didn't say anything, he didn't turn around, and he didn't even look at her walk away. He just stood there with his back to her, slightly slumping in defeat.
And when Bella looked back once she reached the door, he was still like that.
What am I doing? She asked herself later when she was home. Bella honestly though she was having a mental breakdown. She needed to get out of her brain for a while. Or at least let someone else get in it and try to solve some of her issues.
She walked down to Carlisle's office and knocked on the door. The knocking really wasn't necessary, but it was polite.
"Come in, Bella," he called.
"Thanks," she said once inside.
"Having some problems lately?" he said with a slight smile playing on his lips. He was still looking down at some paperwork on his desk, but Bella could read his expression anyway. Pure amusement.
"Isn't everyone?" she asked.
"Well, not so much anymore," he said looking at her, "Except you, of course."
"Of course," she was starting to wonder if coming to talk to him was a mistake. "So, we hardly ever see you around here. I didn't think such a small town could have such a busy hospital."
Carlisle shrugged, his eyes returning to the papers. "There's work to be done everywhere my dear."
"I guess," she really didn't know where to go from here. "I hate to say this, really, but I don't know what to do," she got up and went over to kneel down in front of his chair. "I need help!" she whined.
"Yes, well, clearly," he said turning and stroking the top of her head gently.
"I just, I don't know what anything means anymore. I mean first he absolutely despises me and next he says he loves me. I don't know what to believe anymore," Bella said looking up in Carlisle's eyes, searching for some wisdom from her father.
"Just believe what you believe. Don't let Edward, or Alice," he said her name with a smile, obviously keyed in on the conversation Bella and Alice had had earlier, "and you do what's best for you."
"But I don't know what's best for me!" she screamed. "That's why I came to you, so you could tell me."
"I can't tell you what to do, trust me I've tried," he said turning away from her.
She stood up and began walking towards the door. "So, basically I just have to figure this one out by myself?" she said sullenly.
"Yeah, that or," he paused before going on, "or, you and Edward could figure it out." He looked at her cautiously, gauging her reaction.
She snorted at that, "Yeah right." She turned and reached for the door handle, but hen stopped. There was something else she need to talk to Carlisle about, but wasn't sure how to say it.
"What if he finds out?" she whispered. She could feel Carlisle's head shoot up at that. He knew exactly what she was talking about. The big dirty secret that only the two of them knew. Well there was one other person who knew…
"That won't happen," he said certainly.
"How can you be so sure?" she asked turning to face him. They stared at each other for a while.
"Because I am. I haven't said anything Bella—"
"And, neither have I," she said quickly reassuring him.
"Good," he nodded at her.
"Good," they were agreed. Bella turned to leave then. She had to be sure like Carlisle was. No one would ever know what happened, and they would both make sure of that.
She walked down stairs and found Edward alone at his piano. He was playing slowly, and it was a song she's never heard before. It had to be new because she knew every song he did.
Bella really wanted to avoid doing this, but the way she saw it, it was now or never. So here it goes.
"Why would you do that to me?" she said to his back.
He stopped playing, but didn't turn around. "Do what?"
"Well, there's an ongoing list of things you've done to me, but we'll start with the most recent. Why—why would you just tell me you love me?" she was trying to keep it together, but soon she would break and everything would come pouring out.
"Because it's true," he said, his voice a little hoarse.
"I don't care if it's true. Why would you just spring it on me like that? And why now? What's wrong with you?" she was very, very close to cracking.
He turned around now, "You. You're what's wrong with me. You're everywhere. Everything I do, everywhere I go, every person I talk to I think of you. Ever since we got here it's like a virus or something, you won't get out of my head," he was starting to get agitated now, and his anger was firing up.
"Wow, that's nice, comparing me to a virus," she was staring at an invisible spot on the floor.
"I mean seriously, I don't know what to do. I want you so much, and it took me forever to admit it. I've been like this for months, even before, like right after I left you, I felt horrible. And, even during everything that happened in the city I was still missing something, but I didn't know what. Then, we come here and you start dating a human, and I saw you kissing him and I just wanted to rip his tiny little head off, and, and—" he was coming to an end to his confession.
"And, now I know what I want," he finished.
Bella didn't say anything; she just stared at the floor. It was a lot to take in. She was silently freaking out, and she was going to explode any minute.
"Well, did you ever think about what I want?" she said finally looking at him. She immediately cursed herself for doing so. If she was ever going to get through this, she couldn't possibly be looking at his perfect face.
"I just thought that you would want me. And if you didn't I would understand, and I guess I would leave," he said quietly.
"Oh, so you though I would just be waiting for you," she was almost laughing now, "And if I wasn't waiting around, then you could just pick up go? I that what you thought?"
"Well, yes, it was one of the options I'd considered," his voice was still low.
"You're a jerk. You're a big, stupid jerk. You know that?" she was almost hysterical.
10, 9, 8, 7
"Yeah, you've told me that before," he smiled now.
6, 5, 4
"Yeah," her voice broke. She couldn't take much more of this. "But—but I guess you're my jerk."
"Really?" he was hesitant, still not sure what she was doing.
"Forever and always. Right?" she whispered, repeating the endearment they always used to tell each other.
3, 2, 1
And she broke.
She collapsed into his arms and he held her like he was afraid at any moment she would disappear. She had shattered into a thousand little pieces.
But Alice was right after all.
He picked up the pieces and put them back together, all night.
Forever and always.