Lifeline; Beyond the pain

An LP fan-fiction

Chapter 4: Champagne Supernova

Dear Lucas,

Part of me hopes you never have to read this letter, that I'm lying next to you now, my head on your chest, your heartbeat the lullaby that sends me to sleep. If I'm not, know that more than anything, I want to be next to you – and I hope that part of me is with you as you read this.

I love you Lucas Scott, more than anyone ever has or will. You've meant more to me than anyone I've ever known; and I know you loved me too, even when you didn't say it.

We've been through a lot, you and me, and I wouldn't change any of what's happened, because it brought me to you, and brought us our beautiful daughter, and a life together, however short.

Sitting writing this letter, I have no regrets, not one. Not even the bad memories or the time we spent apart – because you were always in my heart, and I'm aching now at the thought of you, in our bed, alone.

Do you remember the first time we met? I was thinking about it yesterday as I drove past the river on my way to work. I didn't know it then, but that day changed everything, it was the start of something beautiful, and real, and heartbreaking.

It was the start of us.

You only fixed my car, but something happened that day, you opened up to me so unexpectedly, and I felt hope, for the first time in a long time. I guess you did always know me.

I hope one day you take Anna back there, to where we began, and tell her how special that spot is. It's where I fell in love with you Lucas; I just didn't know it at the time.

More than anything, I wish I had the time to tell you what you mean to me, and take you back through my memories and tell you all the ways I love you, but there isn't enough paper in the world. Just know that I do, and I always will.

Anna is waking from her nap now, and I have so much more to say, but I need to go. There are other letters to you, other memories I need to share. They'll find you, don't worry.

All my love,

Peyton

"I don't understand, I don't understand at all." Lucas' voice was expressionless, numb, as he spoke aloud for the first time in minutes. Haley was sitting with him, her hand reassuringly on his shoulder, brushing away her own tears as she watched her friend try to make sense of what he'd read, of what it meant.

"She wrote me a letter, after we went to the doctor, after we decided to continue with the pregnancy and she told me she knew she would be ok she… she… spent her last months preparing for this? For death?"

Lucas stood now, turned to face his friend, anger replacing the sadness in his grey eyes. "You knew! You knew, and you didn't tell me."

Haley took a deep breath; "Lucas, she was scared, she didn't know what was going to happen and wishing for it all to work out was really naïve of you. She did what she thought she needed to." Haley went to her friend, slipped her hand in his, "She had so much unfinished, so many things left unsaid. She wanted more time, more chances to say all the things we don't say because we think we'll have tomorrow. She loved you, and she needed you to know."

Lucas pulled his hand away, walked away from his friend, and opened his front door; "Haley, what I needed to know, was that my wife didn't think she would make it. And you kept that from me. So just go, please, before I say something I'll regret."

He didn't bother waiting to see if she left, didn't hear the gentle click of the door as it was closed, and didn't see her leave something for him on his coffee table. He simply walked away, from her, from the things she'd never told him, and from Peyton's letter.

-----

He didn't know what time it was, but judging by the darkness outside his windows, he figured he'd been sat on the sofa for a while, he hadn't noticed time slipping away as he thought, and thought.

"Mr & Mrs Scott, please have a seat." The doctor rose to shake their hands, and welcome them into his office, a strangely impersonal place, lacking in colour or any personality. There were no paintings, no plants, no photographs of his family. Lucas looked around him as he sat down, and wondered what kind of life this obstetrician had outside of the hospital.

Peyton smiled weakly at the doctor as she sat down, her hands shaking, her lips clasped together tightly as she struggled to remain calm and in control of her tears while the man in front of her, the man who didn't know her or Lucas, read her notes and tried to find the best way to shatter their hopes.

"Mrs Sawyer I-"

She interrupted. "Peyton, please."

The doctor nodded, and smiled faintly, before continuing. "Peyton, I have your notes here in front of me. You went for a scan earlier today? And everything went ok I see? You're having a boy, congratulations."

Lucas' hand tightened around hers, as they both took in the news that they were having a son, that their family would be complete – a boy and a girl.

Lucas cleared his throat. "Dr, we went for the scan, and the nurse said things were fine, but she sent us to you….can you explain why? We're just worried that's all, no one has really told us anything."

"I was just coming to that Mr Scott. The scan we did on your wife showed that while the baby is growing at a steady rate, and there are no abnormalities detected, there are a few complications." He paused, trying to find the right words.

Peyton turned to Lucas, her green eyes filling with tears, a hand over her mouth, as she took in a shaky breath and reached for his hand, interlocking their fingers.

She spoke barely above a whisper; "Complications?"

The doctor nodded. "Your placenta has become detached from the uterine wall in some places, which is the cause of the light bleeding you described to the midwife today. Providing it doesn't detach anymore, and stays where it is, the pregnancy should continue as normal, and we can deliver the baby earlier via a c-section to minimize the risk to you."

"And if it doesn't stay where it is?" Lucas struggled to find words, as he waited for the doctor to deliver what he felt was to be the hardest blow to hear.

"If the placenta continues to detach, if it becomes a placental abruption, we would be very concerned for Peyton and her health, and the baby as well. We cant be sure of what will happen until it happens. We will monitor-"

Lucas stood then, his attempt to stay calm and quiet failing him. "So you're sitting there in your office telling me in a very matter-of-fact way that there is a good chance I could lose my wife and my son, and that's it? That's all you can say?"

"Mr Scott I can assure-"

Lucas didn't wait to hear what else the doctor had to say. He simply picked up his jacket, kissed his wife and walked out of the office, ignoring everything around him until he was outside, and he could breathe again.

That was all he could do today, was try to keep breathing. Taking a deep breath, and stealing himself for what he was about to do, he picked up the phone and dialled, and waited for someone to answer.

"Scott residence."

Lucas cleared his throat, suddenly nervous. "Nate, hey, its Luke."

Judging by the silence at the other end, Lucas figured Nathan had heard about his earlier spat with Haley. "You know why I'm calling, is she there?"

Lucas wasn't sure if his brother had heard him or not, until he heard Haley come on the line. "Lucas if you're calling to apologize, don't bother okay, I'm sorry."

Lucas shook his head, amazed at the depths of Haley's forgiveness & understanding. "Hales, don't okay, I was being a dick and I'm sorry. I just… She never told me, y'know? All the time we talked about what could be or might happen, she never said how scared she was, and now…. She can say all the things she never did, she had a chance to write it down. What about me? What do I get?"

Haley struggled for words. "You get… you get to raise your daughter, and live Lucas, you get to live! Don't throw that away, please. Don't let the darkness win. Okay?"

Lucas smiled, despite himself. He had an amazing family. "Okay Hales, night." He hung up the phone, and put it back in its cradle. As he did, he saw the pile of drawings and photographs he'd taken down weeks ago, memories he didn't want to see.

Picking up the pile, he went through them one by one. He smiled and laughed as his adolescence was relived, moment by moment. He stopped at his favourite drawing, pausing to take it in. It was the day Peyton had described in her letter.

First of all, you don't know me. Second of all, you don't know me.

Smiling through the tears, he looked through the rest of them, each one holding a piece of his heart. A shattered, broken piece.