You've Got Mail Glee Version

DISCLAIMER: I don't own Glee

Kurt Hummel had been divorced from Blaine for only six months. When he started talking to a closeted gay guy that he only knew as TopGunHulk online, he didn't know all that much about him other than that he lived in Ohio, was injured in a wreck, and worked at an auto body shop. Since Kurt knew that there were two shops, and they both used to be owned by his dad. That made him curious as to who this might be. He met him through a website for single gay people a month ago while in a chatroom. After seeing a picture of his dick that someone else in the chat dared him to share. Kurt was the first to comment, "That can't be real!"

Then TopGunHulk replied, "It's all real, TheDevilWearsPradaNow."

Soon he sent him a private message saying, "Hi, this is my first time here, and I have never done anything like this. My sister dared me to do this after I came out to her. Until a year ago, I considered myself straight, and something happened overseas that changed that. It's not something I want to talk about yet. Anyway, after seeing a picture of an openly gay friend. I knew I wasn't straight anymore, and I hadn't been into girls since what happened to me."

Later that same week, Kurt stopped by the shop where Noah Puckerman worked. After he injured his leg in a car accident, he had while trying his hand at race car driving. Kurt knew that it couldn't be Noah that he was talking to. Noah was an ass, and the guy he talked to was sweet.

Then one day, Kurt was helping Noah work on a car when Noah brushes Kurt's bangs out of his face. The action made Kurt's spine tingle, but he just brushed it off as nothing. At one point, Kurt noticed that Noah had two cell phones. But when he asked him about it, Noah just changed the subject.

Soon, Noah became sweeter, and Kurt wondered if Noah was TopGunHulk. But as far as he knew, Noah was straight. How could The Sex Shark be TopGunHulk? Then one day, Kurt couldn't stand not knowing anymore. So, he sent him a private message asking, "Do you think we should meet?"

TopGunHulk just replied, saying, "Sure. How about the Lima Bean Saturday at noon." TopGunHulk told him what he would wear. Then Kurt saw Noah sitting at his favorite booth wearing those exact clothes, and he couldn't believe it. Noah Puckerman was gay and sitting across from him at the Lima Bean.

The first words out of Kurt's mouth were, "You're TopGunHulk, Puck? You, Noah Puckerman, are the guy I have been talking to for months?"

Noah said, "I thought you would figure it out when you saw Puckzilla, but when you didn't even out me in the chat, I knew I had to send you that private message. That's why I have two cell phones, Kurt. I was too scared to put my number on that site, and I knew if I did. You or Blaine would know it was me right off."

Then Noah takes Kurt's hand and says, "I love you, Kurt. Look, I know this is fast here. I knew I loved you when you posted a picture of yourself in a speedo."

Kurt doesn't respond right away, which makes Noah let go of Kurt's hand and say, "Fuck, I knew this was a fucking mistake."

Noah is about to get up and leave when Kurt says, "I love you too, Noah." As he takes Noah's hand before he leans in to kiss him.

Soon the two men are in Noah's house just outside Lima, and Noah is standing naked in front of Kurt. Kurt stares at Noah's penis as he sits on his couch naked, jerking off. Before long, Noah is sucking Kurt's penis, and Kurt is coming into Noah's mouth. Then they move to his bedroom, where Kurt fucked Noah in the ass. As he was bouncing up and down on Kurt's penis.

After Noah fucked Kurt in the ass, they cuddled, and Noah said, "Kurt, I was raped overseas a month before you posted that picture, and that's why I dumped Quinn that same day. Kurt, you are the only person I told about the rape. I still can't tell Sarah, and my Ma died thinking I was straight."

Soon Kurt is laughing before he says, "God, Brittany, I am going to kill you! The Dolphin tamed The Sex Shark!"

This makes Noah laugh before he posted on Facebook, "I'm gay, and I love Kurt Anderson. Mr. H, this is not a joke, and I'll let Kurt tell you how it happened."

Burt soon calls Kurt and says, "It doesn't matter to me how it happened, Puck. Liza Marie misses her Dada, son. By the way, Puck. Liza Marie has been calling you Papa Hulk for the past two months. She has been staying with us for the summer."

Then Noah hears a tiny voice say, "Papa Nono, I had a bad deam about bad men hurting your butt last year and told Papa Blaine before he decided to be a big meanie and stop loving Dada Kurt or me."

Soon Liza Marie was crying before Noah said, "Liza Marie, I love you and your Dada Kurt forever. You are my daughter now, and I will never leave you. Liza Marie, your Aunt Beth is my biological daughter, and Aunt Quinn just gave her away. I didn't want to give her up, but I knew it was the right thing to do. Liza Marie, How would you and Dada Kurt like to live with me?"

Before Liza Marie could respond, Kurt asked, "Are you sure, Puck?"

Then Liza Marie says firmly, "Dada, Papa Nono loves us, and I want a Papa like G' Pa Burt! If you don't say yes, I will tell Papa Nono about the secret photo album you hid in my suitcase!"

Soon Burt sent Noah an image of a pink photo album, with the prom picture of them on the cover, and says, "The other pictures had to be stolen from Santana when you two dated, and they are ALL of your butt! You were only wearing your boxers in one picture! Only five were taken when Kurt was the kicker, and I'm just glad none of them showed something else!"

Then Noah looks at Kurt as he says, "Mr. H., if you have markers, I want you to give them to Liza Marie."

Before Kurt screams, "No, Noah, please!"

Noah takes his phone and says, "say you'll move in with me, or I'll tell Liza Marie to use a green marker on whatever picture is on the first page!"

Kurt immediately caves, and Burt says, "God, Puck, I could never get Elizabeth to cave that fast, and it even took two tries before she said yes. She told me I had to grow up more the first time. I noticed Kurt was caving to anything you asked of him months ago. Before he found out..."

Then Kurt cut Burt off, saying, "You knew, Dad? God, of course, you knew. The guys at the shop can't keep a secret."

Then Noah says, "I told him two weeks in because I didn't want him hearing it from them. I also told him about the rape, and Blaine told me about Liza Marie's dreams before he filed for divorce. Kurt, Blaine was planning to leave you and go back to Karofsky. Before he was told about it, I found them in bed together the day he told me about the dream. I went to Karofsky's to ask him about when he realized he was gay, but just blurted out that I was and told Blaine I was crushing on you."

Soon Burt says, "We got to go, son, and Puck, I know it's early here. But I bet you'll be like I was when we first met after Liza Marie begins to date. Quinn showed me your gun closet before your break-up and after you came out to me. She told me about Blaine and Dave meeting behind Kurt's back. Anyways, got to go. Take care of my boy, Puck, and we'll see you later."

After Kurt moved in, he was riding Noah's penis and hitting a lot of high F's as he said Noah's name repeatedly. When they are dressed, Kurt found Noah looking at a picture of himself with Beth when she was two.

Then Noah looks at Kurt and says, "I haven't seen Beth in person since she was two, and I only see pictures of her on Rachel's Facebook page. She is twelve years old and doesn't even know I'm her daddy."

Kurt wrapped his arms around Noah and said, "Liza Marie told her after the divorce. She was mad, and Quinn was there talking to Beth. All Beth knew was that Quinn was her mom and that you had a daughter. Beth was madder at Rachel because she doesn't come to see Liza Marie anymore."

Soon, they heard Burt and Liza Marie yelling, "We're here!"

As Noah and she saw each other, she ran to him, saying, "Papa." over and over.

Then Noah picks her up tossing her up into the air, before catching her and saying, "I missed you, Little Princess. How was it at Grandpa Burt's?"

Liza Marie giggles as she says, "Great, but I wanted to see you and Dada. Aunt Sarah called G' Pa a lot after you said you loved Dada on Facebook. Poopy Bland has called her since he saw your post and told her that Dada never loved him."

Soon Noah is holding her close as she cries on his shoulder while he calls Blaine, and as soon as Blaine answers his phone, Noah yells, "What is your fucking deal with me and my family, man? If you have a problem with me, come and tell me to my face, you jealous little shit!"

Then Blaine screams, "You were Kurt and Liza Marie's first crush! She never called me Papa, only you! I lost my family from the moment she was born! Hell, Puck, even Quinn, Beth, and Rachel saw the bond between you two! You were always Liza Marie's favorite person to see next to Burt! You took my family from me, Puck!"

Then Liza Marie takes the phone and yells, "Poopy Bland, go to hell! I hate you! I wonder if G' Pa Burt knows you were hitting Dada and me before I could talk. I thought Papa Nono was like the Hulk and could hurt you! Dada didn't tell me about him liking Papa Nono until you left us! I told you about my dreams, thinking you would start being the Papa we needed! But you threw us away! We didn't throw you away! You are just like Papa Nono and Aunt Sarah's daddy! Papa Nono is my Papa, and G' Pa Burt will get the son-in-law he always wanted!"

Before Blaine speaks, she ends the call, and Noah glares at Burt as he asks, "You wanted me as a son-in-law?"

Burt chuckles as he says, "Well, someone like you, Puck. I noticed you were acting like me before Liza Marie was one. I thought you would stay with Quinn and have the family you always wanted. I never thought you would be with Kurt or be Liza Marie's stepfather."

Then Noah started to laugh and say, "Whoa! Mr. H, we just moved in together. I want to be her stepfather, but I want to take things slow here."

Soon, Liza Marie is pouting and fluttering her eyelashes at Noah. Then he puts her down and winks at her. Then Burt handed Noah a ring box and winked at Liza Marie.

As Noah got down on one knee in front of Kurt. Kurt was so in shock he couldn't speak. Then Noah takes his hand and says, "Kurt Elizabeth Hummel, I know this is fast, but I knew I loved you since we started talking in that chatroom. Plus, I knew it was you I met when you started talking about your mom. I meant what I said when we met in person. Kurt, I love you. Will you marry me?"

As Noah puts the ring on Kurt's finger, he says, "Yes, Noah Elijah Puckerman, I will! I love you, Noah."

Then Noah pulls Kurt in for a kiss before Burt tells Liza Marie, "Kiddo, I think we should give Papa Nono and Dada some privacy." Before he takes her to the park.

Soon, Noah carries Kurt to their room, then he pulls Kurt's jeans and boxers off as he says, "Before I fuck that sweet ass, I have to say this. I should have got to know you back in high school."

Kurt blushes and says, "We both should have, Noah. I was Finn's brother, and you were his best friend. Neither of us was doing him any favors by trying to come between him and Quinn. By the way, I didn't get into the type of music you listen to until Dad's heart attack. Ha, he would blast it at the shop a lot. My mom was the one into the Beatles, and I will admit I was a Gaga freak. Did you mistake my butt for Santana's before you broke up? And don't lie, Noah."

Now Noah blushes and says, "It was when we did that Somebody To Love number, and we were all dressed alike. Okay? You better be glad I only looked at it and didn't try to grab it." Before he began to make love to Kurt.

After they made love, Noah smirks and says, "When Mick retires, he is handing the business over to me, and the guys at the shop told me about teasing you over the fact you wanted a guy like your dad when you were a kid. I hope when Liza Marie is older, she doesn't feel I'm worse than he was. Or that you think that. God, if I know you, I'll be whipped soon. I used to think Blaine was whipped for you until I heard about his crush on Sam. I still can't believe you outed Sam on Facebook. After I came out, Mercedes sent me a picture of Blaine's face after she beat the crap out of him. She was finally willing to give him a chance last year and noticed he started ignoring her calls and texts before you caught him with Blaine. Tina told me they told her and told me she paired us together back in high school. Ha, well, she and Brittany were before Santana tried to get with Brittany. I'm not telling Santana this, but I think she converted Brittany. I watched them together, but it was her idea to do threesomes. After trying to get me and Matt to fuck in the shower didn't work out. He chickened out, and I threatened to kick his ass if he said anything. Now, I wished she would have asked you."

Then Kurt puts his forehead against Noah's as he says, "I wouldn't be able to walk if you were my first, Noah, and one of us might be dead right now."

Noah caresses Kurt's cheek as he says, "I have a knack for winning over dads, Princess. I won over your dad, didn't I?" Before he started kissing Kurt's neck. Soon, they were making love again, and Noah fell asleep with Kurt's cock in his ass.

When Noah woke up with Kurt's cock still in his ass, they made love before Noah tongue-fucked Kurt's ass, and Kurt was shooting ribbons of come. Soon they were tongue-fucking each other and coming all over the bed. Before Noah carries Kurt to the shower, where they wash each other's bodies off. Then Noah pins Kurt against the shower wall and begins fucking him. After they showered, Noah chased Kurt around the house, hitting him with his towel. Then they put on their boxers and sweat.

They were watching television when Burt and Liza Marie returned from the park. Then Noah pulls Kurt onto his lap and wraps them up in an Afghan after noticing Kurt rubbing his arms. Then Noah says, "I crashed that race car on purpose. Kurt, I couldn't handle the fact I was gay now and knew you would reject me. Your dad was the one that set up the job at the shop. After I told him I was raped and, to be honest, I knew it was you this whole time. Your screen name was almost like the one you used on AOL. Ha, Liza Marie came up with my lame screen name last year. Ha, she dared me to use it, and you know I can't pass up a dare. Hell, I came to school in a dress because of a dare. I could have lost my gay virginity to Matt if he didn't chicken out."

Kurt starts to cry before saying, "You're not the only one that tried to kill themselves, Noah. I was so brokenhearted over Blaine leaving me that I almost hung myself. Sarah stopped me, and Rachel's dad told me about the site. I never expected to find anyone on there, much less you. I hate that we had to suffer through that to get here, but I'm glad we're together now."

Then the men lay down facing each other before Kurt says, "I thought that was you when I saw Puckzilla, but I tried to tell myself it wasn't you. Then on the day we met at the Lima Bean, The moment I saw you, I was shocked, and I can't wait to see you scaring off Liza Marie's dates now."

Noah kisses Kurt before saying, "Me neither, Princess." Soon they were asleep with huge smiles on their faces while they held each other's hands.

Kurt only woke up; briefly when Noah carried him to bed and put a KISS t-shirt on him. Then Noah puts an electric blanket on the bed and says, "Your teeth were chattering, babe. I think you're getting a cold and need some TLC from Dr. Puckerman." Then he gets in bed and pulls Kurt close to him. Before he kissed his neck as they went back to sleep.

In the morning, when Kurt woke up, he had a fever of 106.0 F. Soon, Noah came in dressed while carrying a bowl of matzo ball soup and Ginger Ale on a tray table. Then, Liza Marie, Burt, Carole, and Quinn peeked in as Noah spoon-fed Kurt. Carole had just arrived with Quinn, whom Noah wanted to talk to about something.

Then Liza Marie giggles as Quinn whispers, "Well, Kurt, you finally got one of my men."

Then, she picks up Liza Marie, who whispers, "I know, Aunt Beth is your daughter, and I want you to be my new Bubba or sissy's mama too. Besides, you're not just making it up to Papa Nono. You are making this up to Dada too. I'm hoping for a Bubba, but that is up to God. Ha, I've been dreaming of G' Pa Burt, Papa Nono, and my future Bubba sitting on the front porch staring down Poopy Bland or boys that didn't pass the pee test." then Burt chuckled, and Carole hit him upside the head.

Soon Noah enters the living room. Then sat with the others as he said, "Quinn, I'm all for you being the baby mama, and I hope Liza Marie does find someone that will pass the pee test."

Then he bumps Burt before saying to Carole, "Mrs. H, you've seen me with Sarah and her dates. Plus, Finn would joke that I was like Mr. H after you two started dating. Which is one of the reasons I was barely there. Plus, that was around the time I still couldn't stand Kurt. Now, look at us. We're engaged, and I'm a better boyfriend to him than Blaine was."

Then Kurt calls out for Noah before Noah runs into the room and calls for Carole. Soon, Noah was carrying Kurt to the bathroom, and she changed their sheets. Noah undressed Kurt and himself before turning on the shower. Noah soon washed puke and diarrhea off of Kurt's body. When Noah cleaned Kurt all up and helped him into clean clothes, Kurt said, "Noah, I love you more now than I ever did before. Noah, I lied to you when we were in high school. You were my first crush in elementary school. You were the one that helped me realize I was gay, and I can't wait to be your husband."

Noah caresses Kurt's cheek as he says, "Pookybear?"

Kurt blushes and says, "My mom called me that when I was little, and I didn't know you were the boy I kissed when I was five until I heard Sarah call you Nono."

Then they heard Burt whisper, "Damn, I owe Quinn twenty dollars."

The two men soon get dressed. Kurt had to chuckle at Noah's clothes and said, "Noah, you look like dad." As Noah opens the door, Carole chuckles as Burt falls into Noah, who has on the same clothes as Burt. Carole took a picture of them and posted it on Facebook.

Soon, Quinn, who had left earlier, calls Burt, and he refuses to answer the call. Carole answers the phone and says, "Yes, Quinn, he remembers the bet and told me about it when Puck came out to him. Ha, I also know the reason Kurt got us together. Burt better be thankful that he is not with Norah right now."

Noah then says, laughing, "I know I am, Mrs. H I used to tease Kurt a lot about his crush on Finn and never thought this would be our future."

Then he tells Burt, "I can't wait until Liza Marie is thirteen."

This makes Kurt and Carole glare at them before Quinn says, "Rachel can be the baby mama. Puck, you won't do what Mr. H did with Kurt!" And ends the call.

Liza Marie was soon heard yelling, "Queenie, Nana Carole won't let Papa Nono be like that! Get your head out of your butt and tell Papa Nono you are sorry!"

Then Quinn texted Noah, "Okay, I'm sorry, Puck. Now, get Mini Rachel off my back."

Noah chuckles and yells, "Hey, Squirt, tell Queenie I don't forgive her and that you're not like Mama Rachel!"

Before she screams, "Meanie Queenie, did you forget when Auntie Tana said I was her Mini-Me? Now, stop being a Queen Bitch and get your fucking head out of your ass!" Then Liza Marie storms into the backyard, where Noah's punching bag is while wearing kid-size boxing gloves.

Then they heard Liza Marie yell, "What are you doing here?" Soon Quinn was carrying Liza Marie inside and said, "Little Tana, you heard stories about your Grandpa Burt, right?"

Liza Marie looks at Burt and says, "Again, Queenie, Nana Carole won't let Papa Nono get that bad, and I think you are madder that Dada Kurt finally has one of your ex-boyfriends."

Quinn rolls her eyes and says, "I give up! Okay, Mini Rachel, I'll be the baby mama." And hugs Liza Marie before leaving.

That night, Kurt and Noah are in bed watching the movie The Shop Around The Corner starring, Margaret Sullivan and James Stewart on TV. Then Noah asks, "Didn't Tom Hanks star in an updated version of this with Meg Ryan?"

Kurt chuckles and says, "Sarah told me you saw that movie before we started chatting in that chatroom." Then he turns off the TV, and Noah starts singing, "Somewhere Over The Rainbow."

The End. I hate to end it here, but I don't know where to go with this story.