I lay crumpled on the floor of the bathroom for what seemed like hours. In the distance I heard the cell phone Edward gave me ringing. A part of me knew I should answer it. The other part of me was too disgusted to even move. His smell lingered everywhere. A mix of alcohol and cigar smoke. I had stopped crying long ago. I kept my face pressed to the filthy floor willing myself to just disappear.
Everything had gone horribly wrong. I was supposed to be riding my motorcycle right now with my best friend Jacob. We should be laughing as the adrenaline pumped through our bodies. Beyond that though, Edward was suppose to be my first. He refused to be with me while I was still a fragile human but I was working on that. I almost had him convinced. Now though I was thankful. Who would want me now? I was tainted. Damaged goods. I shuddered again in disgust. I didn't even want anything to do with myself. Fresh tears started to fall as I thought of Edward. I wasn't ready to let him go again. But once he found out, he'd want nothing to do with me. Could I blame him?
I heard my phone ring again. It sounded so far away. Like it was in another room completely. I forced myself to sit up and wiped the tears from my eyes. It was Jacob calling. I took another second to compose myself before answering.
"Hey Jacob." I answered not quite able to disguise the anguish I was feeling.
"Bella? Whats wrong? Where are you? I've been waiting for 3 hours! I was about ready to call Edward." I froze.
"No Jacob! Don't call Edward! Please!" I was nearly shouting but I couldn't stop myself.
"Ok Bells I wont. Jeez. Tell me whats going on? Its not like you to disappear like this." Jacob sounded genuinely worried. My heart broke. I couldn't tell him what had happened. I couldn't tell anyone. I quickly tried to come up with a good lie. Nothing would explain my disappearance though. It really wasn't like me. I fought back the tears as I knew what I had to do. I had to hurt him. If he found out the truth he wouldn't want anything to do with me anyway. Best to sever all ties now.
"I changed my mind Jacob. I didn't want to hang out with you today." I tried to sound cold, distant.
"Is this about your bloodsucker? Did he forbid you to see me?" I could hear the anger in his voice. I knew his body would be trembling on the verge of losing control.
"No Edward didn't care. I just had other things to do. I guess I should have called. Sorry about that." I knew I didn't sound like myself. But I wasn't me anymore. I was forever changed. The thought had me fighting back tears again.
"Listen Jacob I gotta go. I'll call you later." I hung up before he could answer. This time I didn't fight the tears. I let them flow and laid back down on the floor.
I should have walked away the second I became uneasy. Charlie was the chief of police! I knew better than to put myself in situations like this. I closed my eyes and instantly regretted it. His face was all I could see. I got up off the floor. I had to get out of here. My keys were in the corner by the door. I grabbed them and paused momentarily. What if he was out there still? Waiting for me... It was a chance I had to take. I couldn't hide out forever. Though I wished I could. I opened the door and quickly made my way to my truck. I kept my eyes glued to the ground. I didn't look up till I was in my truck. I quickly locked the door and shoved the key in the ignition. The engined roared to life and I jumped. Throwing the truck in reverse I peeled out of there. I drove like Edward now. Not caring about the speed limit or the possibility of crashing. I wished I would. Part of me wished he had killed me when he finished....
It took half as long for me to get back home. I was relieved when I saw the driveway empty. I didn't want to see anyone now. I didn't want anyone to see me. The house was exactly how I had left it. Yet it felt like everything had changed. It was eerily quiet, unnerving. I made my way up the stairs. I felt like I was no longer connected to my body. It continued moving up the stairs but I felt a million miles away. Before I knew it I was in my room. I shut the door and locked it behind me. My room was also how I left it. Feeling a little paranoid I walked over to my window and locked it. I pulled the curtains closed. As I stood alone in my room I was thankful Edward had gone hunting. He would know something happened if he saw me like this. I couldn't lose Edward again. He could never know what happened. Deep down I knew I should tell someone. That I should go to the hospital and be examined and tested. What would they ask me? They'd want the details of what happened. I wasn't sure I could relive that. Would they ask why I didn't fight harder? Why I was even there in the first place? Those were questions I was still struggling to answer myself.
I sat on my bed as tears started to fall from my eyes. My shoulders slumped over and I gave in to the sobs that racked my body. Suddenly I felt myself becoming angry. Which only fueled my tears. I started ripping the clothes off my body as fast as I could. They lay in a pile on the floor that I would have to deal with later. For now I wanted to wash all traces of him from my body. I walked to the bathroom completely naked. It's a good thing Charlie wasn't home. I was in a trance. It probably wouldn't have mattered even if he was. I turned the shower on as hot as it would go. It burned my skin but I didn't care. I wanted it to burn. To burn all traces of him... I started scrubbing as hard as I could. It wasn't hard enough. I started crying again. I just wanted him gone. I wanted to never think of this day again. My skin was turning red from the hot water and force of my scrubbing. Again I didn't care. I wanted to bleed.
The water started to get cold. Reluctantly I shut it off and stepped out of the shower. I grabbed my towel and wrapped it around my body. It had been almost an hour and I still felt dirty. The mirror was fogged. I wiped my hand across it. The person in the reflection looked like the same Bella who woke up this morning. But inside I was changed. That man took a part of me with him. I didn't know if I would ever be the same. Downstairs I heard Charlie coming into the house. I walked back to my room and started to get dressed. I threw on a pair of sweats and oversized t-shirt. Charlie was calling my name. The last thing I wanted was to see anyone but I didn't want him coming up here. I walked out and stood at the top of the stairs.
"I'm up here dad." I tried to sound somewhat normal. Of course I didn't quite pull it off.
"Bella? Whats wrong?" Charlie was instantly concerned and started making his way towards the stairs.
"No Dad it's ok I'm fine. I'm just not feeling well. I think I'm coming down with a cold or something." That might actually work. I was stuffed up from all the crying.
"Is there anything I can get you? I know I'm not a great cook but I could probably manage to heat up a can of soup." I remembered the last time Charlie tried to heat something up. Metal and microwaves do not mix. I could only imagine what he would do with a can of soup.
"It's ok really. I don't feel much like eating. Thanks though. I'm gonna go lay down." I didn't wait for a response as I headed back for my room. Charlie looked at me different. Like he knew what had happened. Maybe I was just imagining it. He couldn't possibly know. Could he?
I sat on the floor in the corner of my room. I felt a twinge of pain in my thigh. I pulled off my sweats and examined my leg. There was a large bruise forming on the inside of my right thigh where he had pried my legs apart. I shuddered again and pulled my legs into my chest. I wrapped my arms around myself tight.
There would be no sleep tonight. Every time I closed my eyes I knew what I would see. His face. His hands.... I could still feel him where he had run his hands over my body. I cried out when I heard a noise downstairs. It was just Charlie. He must be coming up to bed now. I waited for my body to relax but it wouldn't. It's like I was forever on alert now. Every noise no matter how innocent would have fear rushing through my veins again. I was starting to get sore from sitting on the floor for so long. With a sigh of defeat I got up and laid down on my bed. I pulled the covers up around me as tight as I could. I fought against the tiredness that threatened to pull me under. All the crying had left me exhausted. I blinked rapidly trying to keep myself awake. I was losing the battle. It would only be a matter of time before I was overcome with sleep. Where my nightmare would be relived.
I woke up in a cold sweat but thankfully not screaming like I had thought I would. That surely would've drawn Charlie's attention. I shivered and pulled the covers up. Why was it so cold in here? I shifted my body and came in contact with something hard. I jumped up and started screaming. Had he found me? Was he here to finish what he had started? Before I knew what was happening he had his hand over my mouth and was restraining me. But something wasn't right. He hadn't been this strong. I stopped screaming long enough to realize I recognized those arms. I turned and saw Edwards eyes, wide and confused. He probably thought I'd lost my mind. I heard Charlie moving in his room. Edward released me and disappeared just seconds before Charlie ran into my room.
"Bella? Whats wrong?" Charlie stood awkwardly in the middle of my room as I stared at him with wide eyes, still terrified.
"Just a bad dream." I whispered. He looked uncomfortable. I knew he was remembering all the times I woke up in the middle of the night screaming after Edward had left me.
"I'm sorry I didn't mean to wake you. Go back to sleep Dad." My voice was a little stronger now. Charlie nodded and left, closing the door behind him. I crawled into bed and tried to regain my composure. Edward would be coming back and I couldn't let him see me break down. I already had a lot of explaining to do. I jumped as he climbed back into bed next to me. I was expecting him this time so I managed to keep myself from screaming again.
"Shhh it's ok Bella. It's just me." Edward held me close and whispered in my ear. I always felt safe in his arms but not tonight. My body wouldn't relax. It was screaming against the contact. I forced myself to lie still but that's about all I could do.
"Are you ok?" Edward felt close. Too close. This didn't feel right.
"Yeah, just had a bad dream. Sorry to freak out on you like that." My voice shook with fear. I hoped he didn't notice. Or if he did, he would think I was still scared from my dream.
"It's ok Bella. I'm here now. You know I would never let anything happen to you." I fought against the tears that threatened to spill over again. Edward could never completely protect me. He couldn't always be there. This realization came crashing down like ton of bricks.
"Edward...I think you should go home tonight. I'm not feeling very good. I think maybe I'm coming down with a cold." It was a sad excuse. It's not like Edward could catch a cold even if I did have one. I could see the confusion on his face.
"If that's what you want Bella. I suppose my cold body doesn't exactly help things." I had hurt him. I could hear it in his voice. The old Bella wouldn't care if she was puking every five minutes. She would've wanted Edward with her. But this was a new Bella.
"I'm sorry..." Its all I could manage pathetic as it was.
"Don't be love." Edward bent his head towards mine and kissed me gently. I wanted to kiss him back. I wanted to want to kiss him back. But my body wasn't ready for this. He pulled away and whispered good night before disappearing out the window. I wondered how he had gotten in. Didn't I lock the window?
I let myself break down now. My body shivered not from cold but fear. The look in Edward's eyes haunted me. I had hurt him. Unintentionally, but I had caused him pain. I was doing every thing wrong lately. How many more people had to suffer because of me? I curled up into a fetal position and cried myself back to sleep. Only this time it was Edward I would dream of.