(A/N): Yay, I'm glad that people are still interested. I was getting worried for a while there. Anyways, this is going to be the last chapter for a bit of time, since chapter eight isn't finished yet...having a bit of trouble getting the words the way I want them. Onwards, ho!

One and Not the Same

A Yu-Gi-Oh!5D's Fanfiction

Chapter 7-It's Okay…

Ever since the negative rotation, I have been dreading it again…losing one or both of my two sons…The simple thought causes me great agony.

I feel ashamed admitting this…but…unconsciously, in some deep dark bowel of my mind, I feel myself evaluating which one is more likely to survive, and…god, it disgusts me to write this…trying to force myself to be distant to one of them, force myself to unlove the one that is most likely to disappear in order to save myself pain…

What sort of hateful father am I? What kind of primal beast…no…even the most feral of creatures would never even think of abandoning their own child…

And yet, even now, I evaluate my twins…and I honestly think that…I think…Ryuusei…will be the one to live…

Ryuusei had always been the one with the most physical presence. When one walked into the room, his irritated gaze would automatically focus on them, making them shiver. Yuusei's presence, compared to him, was almost unnoticeable, quiet, and hidden behind his brother's…

Ryuusei had sat up first, stood first, walked and talked first…he had always been the first, always charging on ahead, always defiantly obstinate, and only Yuusei could convince him not to be so…

And Yuusei…Yuusei never seems to oppose his brother's domination…it's as if he doesn't want to be dominant…doesn't want to displease his brother. And…I can tell…it's not done out of fear…I see the light in his eyes. His eyes…they glimmer so…they say that it's because he's come to accept this incomplete human, this other vital part…as another person, as his brother, as someone separate from him…someone he loves like a brother…as someone he shares an important bond with…and someone he wants to protect, even from his own lies. I see it all, the way he smiles even when his brother goes into a fitful rage, the way he cries if his brother is upset…all of it.

I found myself unconsciously favoring Ryuusei today: lifting him out of his crib alone without his brother, something I did not normally do.

Ryuusei, of course, immediately fixated me with his glare, irritated that he was being separated from his brother, knowing that something was not right…but it was Yuusei who had frightened me.

He had simply looked at me with his bright eyes. And immediately I felt that he had seen through what I had been trying to conceal from myself, what I hated myself for trying to do. I felt naked, stripped bare of everything I covered myself up with, and left standing as what I truly was, and I was disgusted with it…

And then he smiled at me. Automatically, I felt guilty, the worst I had ever felt about everything…even my prior sins seemed minuscule compared to this shame. I wanted to apologize for everything: for trying to hate him; for not being able to hate him; for being inadequate as a father; for letting vain curiosity get to me; for subjecting my infant sons to the worst fate they could have-existing…

…for accepting the forgiveness I didn't deserve…from my infant son, no less.

And the longer I looked, the worse I felt. His eyes were speaking to me, saying, "It's okay, it's okay, Papa, I understand…I still love you, Papa. It's okay…"

And then I scooped Yuusei up into my arms as well, rocking him and Ryuusei together as I should have all along, whispering "I'm sorry, I'm sorry…"

Because it's not okay, not at all, not when the infant has surpassed the parent in terms of maturity, when they look at you with those eyes that are alit with wisdom and acceptance of their short life, and they look at you with eyes of innocent and wholehearted love, simply because you are there...

And it's all so wrong, so wrong! Because the infant should not be comforting the parent, should not be so accepting of their errors, shouldn't be so damn…innocent!

…They shouldn't forgive people like me…

Ryuusei's reaction to my cradling was exactly what I felt I deserved, although it didn't make me feel any better. He shrunk away from my grasp, refusing to look at me, and when I did catch his eyes, they expressed nothing but hatred: "I hate you, you're disgusting, you senile old man, you're hurting him, you're trying to hurt him, you're trying to hurt me."

"I know, I know…I'm sorry, I'm sorry…"

Yuusei's reaction made me feel even worse, and yet I lapped up his forgiveness greedily, despite the fact that I felt worse with every sip. It was like the unfortunate man in a desert with nothing to drink but salt water-he knows that the salt water would make him ill and even thirstier, but he drinks anyway, to slake his immediate thirst, to give him some semblance of replenishment…

Perhaps it was because I felt that I had not been forgiven for my transgressions that I was desperate for it…

And here I was, with hatred in one arm and love in the other; one infant blatantly expressing displeasure with my embrace, the other nuzzling and snuggling with affection; fining solace in neither, wanting to give it to both…yet unable to…

This whole exchange was completely silent, and yet, when I look back, I hear things…words unspoken…and they continue to echo in my mind…

"I hate you, I hate you…"

"Papa, I love you…it's okay."

Fudo Yuuen-hakase

Momentum Lead Scientist

(A/N): Reviews, flames, crit? Yanno, the usual. :D