Authors note: I tend to be hard on myself but this chapter really is not as good as I'd like. I apologize in advance.

Monday morning came much too fast. I lay in bed contemplating ways I could get out of going. Charlie thought I was sick. Maybe I could play that up a little more. I sighed. It was senior year. I had to go. The thought made me queasy. Could I pull off another facade? It would have to be alot better than when Edward had left. Or else I'd have him asking too many questions as well. I pulled the covers over my head and groaned. School seemed so pointless. I still planned on becoming a vampire. I would have many other opportunities to graduate why was this one such a big deal? I still had to work on my reaction to Edward. If I kept pulling away from his every touch he would start to think something was wrong. Which it was. Everything was wrong. But Edward would think it was him. I couldn't bear to see him hurt again. I was going to see him today one way or another. Either at school or if I didn't show up he'd be over here in an instant to check on me. I threw the covers off me. May as well go to school.

It took me less than five minutes to get ready. I didn't shower or do anything special. I just threw on my clothes. I didn't even pay attention to whether or not they were wrinkled. It wouldn't have mattered anyway. I stopped momentarily at the entrance to the kitchen. It had been almost two days since I'd eaten anything. I hadn't had much of an appetite. Today was no different. I grabbed my backpack and headed out to my truck. It was raining, big surprise, but I didn't pay much attention. I was nearly soaked by the time I got in my truck. I rested my head against the steering wheel trying to mentally prepare myself for the day ahead of me. It wasn't possible though. With a sigh of resignation I started the engine and drove off to what felt like my first day of school.

I realized as I pulled into a parking space that I was running a little late. The sidewalks were nearly empty and the few people left started to run off to their first class. Edward leaned against the Volvo casually. He must be waiting for me. I quickly hopped out of the truck and ran to meet him. We were definitely going to be late to class. I felt guilty.

"I'm sorry Edward. I know I'm late."

"Its ok Bella. I wasn't in a hurry to get to Calculus anyway." He grinned at me but I could see the concern in his eyes. My body fought me as I leaned forward and kissed him gently on the lips. He responded and pulled me closer to him. It took everything in me not to pull away from him. A kiss I could handle. But this full body contact had me screaming inside. I fought against the tears that threatened to fall. Edward seemed to sense that I wasn't reacting to him the way I usually did. He pulled away and I saw the hurt flash across his face. I felt a stab of pain in my chest. Why couldn't I stop hurting him? Was it so hard to just relax and give myself to him? Even if my body was fighting against it, I was stronger than that. I could handle a few seconds of body contact couldn't I? If it meant not having to see that pain on Edwards beautiful face ever again.

"We should get to class." Edward reached slowly for my hand and when I took it he seemed to relax a little. We headed off to class.

By lunchtime I was ready to go home. I couldn't stand much more of these people. Everyone was so happy. They were carrying on about their day as if nothing in the world was wrong. Maybe it wasn't. Maybe it was just my world that was turned upside down. I sat down at our usual table but on the far end, away from Mike and Angela. I wasn't in the mood to socialize with anyone. Edward joined me a few moments later.

"Are you ok Bella? You're very quiet today." Edward stared at me from across the table. I didn't even want to be looked at anymore let alone stared at. I took a deep breath in.

"I'm just not feeling well. This cold is taking longer to shake than I had hoped." I knew I wasn't a good liar but I hoped in this instance I was good enough. I just had to be somewhat convincing.

"Maybe you should leave early today and get some rest." Edward was cautious but concerned. I knew he didn't really believe me but wouldn't push me until I was ready to tell him what was really going on. That might be never.

"Yeah maybe." I stared at the salad I had gotten. My appetite had yet to return but I was trying to keep up appearances. I had no desire to eat and honestly I wasn't even hungry.

In this moment, death seemed like a better option. I looked at Edward and the look on his face reminded me why I kept breathing. I couldn't do that to him. It wasn't his fault what happened. I wished so badly that I could tell him. Would he understand? Maybe he wouldn't leave me. Maybe I was underestimating him. But could I risk that just so I didn't have to pretend everything was ok? Nothing would change except him knowing. Everyone knowing. Why should I bring everyone else down with me? It would be selfish. This battle within myself was taking its toll. I was truly exhausted. And I didn't know how much longer I could keep up this charade.

"I think I'm going to skip the rest of the day. I really could use the rest." I pushed my fork around the plate avoiding Edward's eyes. I knew eventually I would have to tell him. I was dreading that day though. How do you tell someone you love with every part of your being, that the reason you've been pulling away from them is because you let someone else violate your body? I was weak and I knew this whole thing was my fault. Everything that happened now couldn't be blamed on anyone but myself.

"Would you like me to drive you home?" I could feel Edward's eyes on me. I risked a glance up and immediately regretted it. You could see the tortured look on his face though he tried to disguise it. Maybe it would be best if I stayed away from him as much as possible till I got myself together a little bit.

"No that's ok. I think I can manage to get home by myself." I started to gather my things. I just wanted to get out of there. Edward carefully took my tray from me.

"Let me get that love. You go on and go get some rest. I'll stop by later to check on you." With that he kissed me gently on the forehead and left to get rid of my uneaten lunch. I quickly grabbed my bag and headed for the parking lot. I couldn't deal with anymore interaction right now. Knowing he would be coming by later had me panicking slightly. 'Pull yourself together Bella!' I chided myself. This was getting to be ridiculous. I was stronger than this. Edward deserved better. Of course I'd always known that. I don't know what he ever saw in me to begin with.

I made it home in record time and I was thankful that Charlie worked so much. I would have the house to myself. Part of me was freaking out. Every little noise would have me on edge. But the time alone would be nice. I needed to gather myself and my thoughts before Edward came over. I only had a few hours.

Out of the corner of my eye I saw the pile of clothes I had left just a few days earlier. I had yet to dispose of them. Looking at them everyday didn't exactly help things but I couldn't bring myself to even touch them. I knew they would smell like him. Deciding it was time to finally get rid of the last thing physically connecting me to this man I got up from my bed and picked up the pile of clothes. I cringed inside as I headed downstairs.

We only had one trash bag left and I felt guilty using it but I needed to dispose of these clothes. I didn't need any visual reminders of my attack. Once they were outside in the trash can I felt like a burden had been lifted from my shoulders. It was amazing how such a small thing could really make such a big difference. I headed back inside a little more confident that I could make it through this evening with Edward. I heard a knock on the front door. Fear coursed through my veins. The knock became more insistent. I walked over and opened the door. To my surprise it was Alice. With a look on her face that I'd recognize anywhere. She knew.