Chapter Five
My nightmare returned that night. Edward kept telling me no. He never said anything else but that one word. it cut into my heart like a thousand knives. I woke up and he wasn't there to wipe away my tears or scare away the monsters in my dream. But what happened when he was the monster? I'd never seen Edward Cullen as a monster, not ever. He was so gentle, so caring, but in the dream, that vision I had of him wasn't the same. He was a monster somehow. The fact that I saw him as a villain made me cry twice as hard.
The next night, I couldn't sleep. I could only pretend and wish Edward would come. He did. I wasn't sure if he knew I was awake. He had to! But he seemed to believe I was asleep as he bent over and kissed my head. He stroked my hair once, kissed me again, and straightened. "Please believe that I will always love you," he whispered quietly. A pained voice. More pained than ever before. It frightened me. I wanted to open my eyes and hug him. But I sensed a goodbye was coming. Something was wrong and he'd come to tell me something. He didn't know if I could hear him or not. I did though. I didn't understand why he was telling me that because I knew he would always love me. He proved that every day, even in our separation and our distance. Edward kissed my head again. Longer this time. His eyes were closed, his touch was cold, his breath was weak--he was struggling. With what? My heart beat fast and he sighed. "Nothing has changed," he promised me once more, and then he was gone.
I began to cry because I was so confused. I wanted to be enough for him. Enough to end his pain. And I couldn't be that. Why not?
My eyes were swollen when Edward came that morning. His shoulders sagged. In his eyes, I saw happiness dancing, trying to escape just to show me, I saw regret already. I hugged him only because I could tell he wanted it. No response though. He was stiff in my arms. It was like hugging a statue. He was cold enough and beautiful enough. I knew he noticed how I'd been crying. No mention of it. I saw how his hand twitched to wipe the remainder of tears and kiss the tear stains. He looked away from me, his face forced. "Can we take a walk?" he asked quietly, painfully. I didn't reply. I only followed him outside. He was three steps ahead of me as we walked into the forest at the end of my neighborhood.
We must have walked for hours. I sensed Edward was trying to get up the courage to do something. I could only follow, wait until he told me whatever he was going to. My toes were numb from the cold puddles and the mud. My hands were stuffed into my pockets to keep them warm. My cheeks were numb. My mind was frozen in fear of what was coming. I didn't understand this silence.
Edward stopped and I followed. I kept my distance because I sensed that was what he wanted. He hung his head for a moment, then shook it and turned with a fierce, lion-like spring. His instincts only took over like that at certain times. It frightened me more than the silence. And his eyes were dead. No life, no joy in seeing me. He met my eyes then. "I'm leaving," he announced, breathless and forced.
I frowned. "What? To go where? Why?" I asked. My first thought was that something had happened, someone had been killed.
"I'm not happy here, Timberlee. I'm not happy with you."
I shook my head, trying to clear the misty confusion clouding my mind. "Where are you going?" I asked when I'd found my breath again. It was like Edward had knocked it from me.
"Away," he answered. His eyes flickered and he looked away when I tried to meet them again. He was avoiding my eyes. Why?
I ran to him and grabbed his arm. "Take me with you," I said. The Edward I knew would never, ever leave without me. But the look on his face, in his topaz eyes, wasn't that of the Edward Cullen I'd known, and that confused me. The confusion I felt was worse than ever. Shaking my head didn't clear my head or change the look in Edward's eyes. It grew more forced, but more furious and more fierce.
"I'm going alone. My family and I are going," he replied. "I'm not taking you with me."
I shrunk back when I recognized the look in Edward's eyes. It was the look from my nightmares. But this wasn't a nightmare. I knew this was real, as painful and horrible as it was for me to realize that. "Why not?" I asked.
"I don't love you," Edward whispered. It sounded like he was trying to make the words sound firm, but he could only muster a whisper. He was contradicting what he'd said before. He'd promised that he'd always love me. Why was he lying now? Or why did he lie before? "You're not good for me," he continued quietly. "You're bad for me, very bad. I'm leaving. And when enough time goes by, it will be as if I never existed," he whispered and he began to lift his hand. I knew the Edward I once knew would have touched my cheek, but this Edward froze. He dropped his hand, forced it to fall to his side.
"But you do exist," I insisted--I couldn't think of anything else to say. I grabbed his arm before he could walk away. He didn't pull away, but he didn't turn to me either. His eyes were dead ahead, stubborn. "Take me with you," I pleaded quietly. "I'll do anything. Please, you have to take me with you. I have to be with you. I can't be without you and you'll take me with you, right?"
"No, I won't."
"But you said you loved me!" No need to mention the words he'd spoken in the night. "You promised you would always be here for me. Didn't you mean it? Don't you still love me?" I couldn't cry. This wasn't happening. It wasn't real. It was another nightmare. Edward would never leave me! I couldn't believe any of this was true. It wasn't true. Edward was just saying these things.
"No," Edward said fiercely. It was stronger than before. His courage was up now. "No, I don't love you." He shoved my hand off his arm, and he started to leave. Human pace at first, then I took my first step to follow and he sped up as fast as he could go. Shaky legs, a weak hardly there heartbeat, with the knowledge that I would never be able to catch him, I still followed. I ran after him as fast as I could, but it wasn't fast enough. There was no footprints, the leaves were undisturbed, and Edward was gone. The last memory I had of him was as a monster. He was a monster now, a whole new person, a whole new creature. He promised me that he would never hurt me. There was no physical pain from when he pushed my hand away. I was too numb from everything that had happened to feel it. I couldn't breathe. My heart had stopped and it wouldn't start again. I could run for a hundred years, but Edward would always run faster. He would always be a step ahead of me, never with me, ever again. He was gone. Life, love, meaning--over.
So I fell to my knees, unable to go further, not strong enough to push myself farther. The beautiful, treasured ruby ring on my finger suddenly hurt me. The ruby was like blood, my blood burning Edward's throat. Only it burnt my finger now. It was burning into the finger I always wore it on. I shook, waiting for the tears to start, praying they would come if it relieved a small portion of the pain I felt. When the tears came, no matter how many came, the pain only got worse because I knew Edward was getting further away from my grasp with every second.
I snatched the ring off my finger, not bothering to be gentle. The most treasured piece of jewelry I owned. It was part of me. I was used to it being on my finger. But I couldn't wear it. Not after Edward did this to me. I threw it as hard as I could into the distance where Edward's scent was fading.
"I trusted you!" I screamed out, not remembering my dream. I pushed my hair out of my eyes as the rain started to get heavier. I'd never been in so much pain before. There was no reason for him to leave. He offered none that made sense to me. Only contradictions. We never had a fight or any real conflict. I didn't even know when it had started. Edward never shared his thoughts with me. He listened to all my stories, watched me cry, held me when I did, wiped away the tears, but now... Now he was gone and it wasn't a nightmare. He was gone.
"I trusted you, Edward!" I yelled out again. But after yelling it a thousand times and he didn't hesitate--I could feel him getting farther--I couldn't even yell anymore. I wasn't strong enough to do anything. Not without Edward. He was the reason for my happiness, the reason I was alive. I couldn't think without him. I couldn't walk. I couldn't fight anymore, whether I was fighting to get to my feet or fighting to find some reason for this. Edward was gone and I knew it, there was no way to fight it. The pain was there, forever struck into my heart. It would never leave.
I covered my mouth to muffle the sobs. I rocked myself back and forth, trying to find one thing to fill the gap Edward had left. My whole life was empty because Edward had been the only reason for my life. He still was, and now I no longer had him with me. There was no reason to live.
"I loved you," I sobbed in disgust, staring at where Edward had disappeared. Past tense. I loved. Not I love. And the sobs broke through again, stronger than before. That sounded so wrong. It was wrong. I didn't know the depth of my pain, but had Edward hurt me so badly I stopped loving him? Could I ever stop? I closed my eyes. I felt as dead as Edward's eyes had looked. Like my heart would never pound again at the sound of Edward's laugh. It wouldn't beat again, as hard as I willed it to.
"I trusted you, and I loved you," I whispered again, and there was nothing else I could say. I had trusted Edward with my life. He'd saved it more than once. He was everything to me. I had jumped off a swing into his arms. He caught me and I laughed in the face of fear, but fear was nothing compared to the pain Edward inflicted. I'd trusted him. He broke my trust. Could someone break love too? If they could, I knew what it felt like.
I felt it there, right then as Edward went farther and farther. I didn't know what to think or do. It was a lie--all of it. He had to love me. I'd heard the sincerity, even if there was pain with it, that night when he came to my room. He'd kissed my head. He'd stroked my hair. He'd love me! I knew how much he thirsted for my blood. He had my wrist in his mouth before. He was sucking my blood. He'd told me over and over that my blood was the best he'd ever tasted. He struggled so much, but he continued to stay with me at night and he continued to love me then. No matter how much he despised himself for being a vampire, he wouldn't put himself through that. His family wouldn't allow him to torture himself unless there was a reason, like loving me, and his old fashioned nature wouldn't allow him to lie so long. I knew he did love me at some point, but he said he didn't. I couldn't help refusing to believe he was a liar, which left me to believe the conclusion that he didn't love me anymore.
And so the pain was there for the rest of my life, never to leave, never to end, never to cease, and never to be eased. There was only one cure for a pain like that. Edward. His arms around me, his protection, his love. But he wasn't coming back. The pain grew worse the farther he got. He didn't hesitate and he didn't turn back. He was gone. Forever.
I didn't even care if he heard me. "I trusted you!" I screamed out once more. All my strength was completely gone then. I was too weak. I couldn't fight the pain. I couldn't breathe it in. I couldn't accept it. I couldn't even wallow in it as hard as I tried to will myself to my feet, will myself to get up and go after him. He'd taken my strength, my heart, my life, my everything. What did I have left without him? There was nothing special about this place without him, nothing special about life. Nothing to live for, nothing to breathe for. What more could he have taken? I had nothing left.
And so I went numb from all feelings, all love, all truth, all common sense that screamed out there were other reasons for Edward to leave. I was gone because Edward had taken my life with him. I was never to go back to the girl I once was, never to go back to the girl I knew he loved. I was gone. Edward had taken me with him, but not in the way I needed.