Chapter Six
Time passes. Even if it feels like it never will. Even for me. I knew time was going on, but I didn't see how. Without Edward, it didn't make sense. He was what made the clocks move, what moved my heart constantly. My heart had shifted from the place where I'd been so happy because he was gone. Time passed, yes. But I couldn't feel it and I didn't know what to do with it. It was worse than death, because I was alive and I felt dead. My heartbeat was slow and hardly there. That was worse than it not beating at all. I knew what it felt like to be dead--my heart had stopped without explanation before. This was much worse. It hurt so badly I sowre I wouldn't make it through another breath, but it wasn't physical pain. Therefore, it wasn't bad enough to kill me unless the mental, emotional pain strangled me into doing something. It was bad enough to make me wish Edward had killed me.
My promise to never commit suicide could have broken and my pain would be over. But stupid me. I hoped Edward would come back. He never said he wouldn't. As much as he'd hurt me, I still hoped because, as Edward had told me so many times, I was just like a child. I hoped he would come back to me some day. No amount of time could erase what I felt. Time did not heal all wounds. No one could erase or obliterate what Edward had done, how much he'd changed me in what little time we had together. And so the happiest time of my life was destroyed with one word. No. Edward was gone and he wasn't coming back. He never hesitated. He left.
What a stupid lamb, I had said the day I found out Edward was a vampire. Stupid for loving a predator, stupid for trusting him, stupid for letting him leave, stupid for hoping he would come back. Just stupid.
No, not stupid. In love. Edward told me how he was the world's most dangerous predator. Everything about his face, his voice, his smell even invited humans in. It wasn't just that for me. It was his character, his heart, his gentle touch, his caring eyes. My feelings were genuine, as genuine as the pain I now felt, and everything that had happened screamed his feelings were mutual. Or they had once been. Could anyone fall out of love so quickly? Had Edward? The way he came to me, the way he promised nothing had changed, it shouted out that he loved me. So why did he go? Did I make him so unhappy?
But it happened so fast. We had been in my room, in my bed, and we were madly in love. He held me close and his eyes even danced when he saw me, even though I'd been crying. He was happy to see me, even in my depression. He wanted to help me. I could read all of that in the memory of what his eyes had looked like. Then he turned around the next day and left. It was wrong. The Edward I knew wouldn't have left me there, even if he was leaving. It was a cold desperate move, I could see that. It was cold outside, about to rain, and he was leaving. He left and the gentlemanly manner I once new was also gone.
There was so many questions and no answers. I couldn't go after him. The pain washed over me. I was in my own nightmare. But I hadn't seen it as a warning, not once. I saw it as a nightmare only because Edward had been there to chase away the monsters the first time. And so now I laid on the wet ground. I could only week, cry, hope, and pray. And when that wasn't enough, there was nothing I could do.
Some time passed. The rain came and went. The sun flickered in the sky for a few seconds, but only a few. Or so it seemed. I couldn't judge time by weather. I was trying to judge it by the speed Edward was moving. I knew he was still running or maybe driving now. Trapped between the feeling that time had stopped and the feeling that time was flying, there was nothing. I could only cry, only think of how Edward was getting further.
I could hear my name being called now, but it didn't matter. I knew it wasn't Edward. I didn't care. Even if I did, I was too weak to reply. I didn't want to be found because I knew whoever found me would take me home. Home was one place I never wanted to go again.
"Timberlee!" The voice was closer. Almost to me. I recognized it, but I couldn't place a name with it in my misery. One more time, and it was at my side. "Baby, what happened?"
It was Dad. He picked me up into his arms. "No!" I whispered, and I found the will to struggle out of his grasp. I fell to the ground, but there was no thought to the pain I felt from falling on my knee. Edward was my thought. My blood. He desired it. I wiped it away quickly--He was still there, even if he was distant. I was waiting for him to come running back to me now. I would always wait.
"Honey, you have to come home," Dad said. Gently, but firm and I could hear the worry.
"No, I have to find him and-and my ring," I managed, despite my weakness. The more I spoke, the more feverish I felt. "He'll come back. I can't leave or he won't be able to find me." A stupid thought! Forks was so small. He would be able to find me without a second of searching. I would never leave this place.
"Who, honey?" Dad's voice sounded so worried. I knew how horrible I must have looked because, normally, he would have been furious. "Who are you talking about?"
"Edward!" I exclaimed. "I have to find my ring."
"What ring?"
So now Charlie was in on it! He was trying to make me think I was crazy. He knew who I was talking about! Edward was the only person I'd ever talked about like that. He knew what ring I was talking about too! It was expensive, beautiful, and he'd watched me unwrap it. He'd watch Edward put it on my finger. The sterling silver, the genuine ruby. I always wore it. He knew what ring I was talking about!
But that made my fear worse. When enough time passes, it will be as if I never existed. Had enough time passed? How much time had gone by? I didn't know, but I knew I hadn't imagined Edward. The pictures, the letters, the late nights, the scar on my wrist from James' teeth, then Edward's. Everything, and the pain I now felt told me he was real. He wasn't a figure of my imagination. And if he was, I wouldn't feel the pain I did. Edward was real, and I would be dead before enough time had passed. I could never forget the happiest, safest, most rewarding months of my life.
"What ring?" Dad pressed, and he looked ready to slap me for not answering and not just coming willingly.
"The ring Edward gave me," I whispered, and a violent chill ran down my spine at the sound of his name. It was like his fingers ran along my back, but it wasn't
"Timberlee, come on, baby. Let's get you home," he said, and that time, I wasn't strong enough to fight. I could beg, plead, and fight no more. Charlie pulled me into his arms. His quick pace told me he was more worried than I thought. He carried me and more time passed, even when I didn't believe it and I wasn't even sure if I was imagining things now or not. How could time pass? Edward was gone! There was no reason for time to go on.
"I found her," Dad called after what seemed like hours. I looked up. Half of Forks was in my front yard. Except Edward, except Alice, Jasper, Emmett, Carlisle, Esme, and even Rosalie. Everyone but the people I wanted to see. More tears fell, even though my face was too cold to feel them fall. "Sam, go find the others. I've got you, honey."
"Edward!" I tried to call out, hoping he would emerge from the crowd somehow. He'd be there. He had to be. He couldn't leave. He didn't come, and the word was only a whisper. No one could hear it. I called it anyway.
"Sh, baby, don't try to talk right now," Dad instructed.
"Edward!" I called louder, and Dad set me on my bed. I somehow found the strength to reach for my feather pillow--Edward's pillow. It smelled just like him. My whole room did. I could tell he'd been here. It was too strong to be from his last visit. "Where is he?" I asked, and I was truly happy. He had to be here! Hiding. He was just not in my room yet. He was coming. Dad covered me up and shook his head. That was his answer that Edward wasn't there. I felt more tears coming, anger with them this time. "Where is he? What did you say to him? Why'd you make him go?" I demanded.
Dad looked shocked. "He wasn't here, baby," he said softly.
"Yes, he was! You made him leave."
Dad looked away this time. Another man walked in. "Doctor, I'm glad you're here."
"How long has she been missing?"
"Four days," Dad whispered, watching me glare at him furiously--I was still convinced this was Charlie's fault. Why else would Edward leave? "Will she be all right?"
The doctor I remembered from my childhood, but I didn't care about his name. He wasn't Carlisle, it didn't matter. And it never would. He examined me closely as I clung to Edward's pillow, breathing in the air that smelled just like him. And then the doctor turned to Dad some time later. "I don't know what you were expecting me to find, Chief Stone. No bruises, no cuts, no signs of internal damage. Her temperature is almost a hundred and six. She's delirious from the fever," I heard him tell Charlie quietly. Great! Another one in on it. They were trying to make me crazy. Fever, bull shit! "She's also exhausted. I doubt she's slept since before the search team was sent out."
I could see Dad's face through the haze. He frowned. He was only feet away, but it seemed so much farther. Like Edward had. I closed my eyes, but the tears fell anyway. The doctor sighed--it was much too loud to be Charlie. "The majority of the damage isn't physical, Charlie. Most of it's mental," the doctor concluded in the same quiet tone. The rest, I couldn't make out. I was trying to figure out what was different about my room. I couldn't. My eyes were too heavy. My mind was too tired, and I kept trying to figure out why Edward left. It didn't make sense!
The doctor must have sedated me because I knew I would never fall asleep on my own. I woke up slowly. The sedation made me feel even more dizzy. I knew where I was right away, but it still looked different. I rubbed my eyes until they were as clear as they would ever be. And then it hit me. I saw what was different about my room...
Edward was gone, and he took my memories with him! My poster of us, all my pictures, my letters, the guitar he'd given me, the CDs he'd made me, the clothes he'd bought me, the football helmet Emmett and Jasper had given me as a joke. Everything of Edward was gone...
I grabbed my iPod to see if I still had Edward's music on it. It was gone. It was deleted from iTunes too. It was all gone.
I covered my mouth because the tears couldn't be stop. I wanted the sobs to be silent. I snatched up my phone. Edward's number, all our texts, deleted. I threw it against the wall as hard as I could. I ripped the pillows, blankets, and sheets off my bed. Edward's scent swirled around me in a fury. I ran to my closet. I threw all the clothes on the floor. I took everything out of my dresser. I didn't know how long it would take. I didn't know how much it would take. I just kept going. My laptop, my iPod, my books, my lap, CDs, everything I could find, I threw it. And when there was nothing left, I threw myself down on the ground. I felt so dizzy and so weak. I didn't know why I did it. Anger, pain, some mixture of both, or something else? I knew I was searching for one possible thing Edward had left. I found nothing. I just did it. And it only took minutes to destroy my room. But I didn't find one thing of Edward, except his smell.
I rocked back and forth, mostly because I was shaking so hard. My hands on my stomach, I sat on my floor in the wreckage that was left of my room. I heard the cruiser come up the road. The slam of the door somehow broke me even more and I didn't know why--Edward never slammed the door like that. I ran to the bathroom and locked the door as fast as I could.
I barely made it. I threw up. I didn't know how when I hadn't had anything to eat. My sobs grew louder and more intense. I heard Dad's footsteps when he came to the top of the stairs. I knew he saw my room. "Honey?" he called, and knocked on the door.
Only my sobs answered. He knew I was alive at least. If anyone could call it that... Hardly living. Not alive. "Timberlee, what happened, sweetie? You okay?"
"No! Go away," I sobbed, holding my hair back. I couldn't be okay and I wouldn't lie about it. I couldn't. The anxiety, the sorrow was so bad I threw up. The butterflies in my stomach were the same as when I was with Edward, when he made me blush, but the feeling was so different. The ache wasn't good anymore. It kept getting worse, and I knew Edward was still traveling farther. I'd been asleep. I didn't know if he'd hesitated at all or not. That bothered me.
"Honey, open the door. We need to talk."
"What's there to talk about?" I demanded quietly.
Dad was silent as I threw up again. I heard his feet shuffle impatiently outside the locked door. Awkwardly too. "Timberlee, are you pregnant?" he asked. It sounded forced, almost like how Edward had sounded, and I couldn't answer. My sob became silent. "Did you sleep with him? Did he... rape you?"
"No!" I yelled, furious. He never hurt me, but I couldn't say that because the pain inside was worse than when I had been raped. But Dad didn't know that I'd been raped before. Edward knew. He would never do that to anyone.
"Did you sleep with him then? Did he leave you because you're pregnant?"
"I'm not pregnant!" I screamed. "I never slept with him."
"Open the door, honey."
I unlocked the door and Dad opened it. I was curled up on the floor, shaking. My stomach had settled enough to where I could lean against the wall instead of hovering over the toilet. I didn't have strength to sob anymore, so I leaned my head back, the tears still spilled over. I shook fiercely, even though the sobs had stopped finally. Dad didn't come in the bathroom. He stood in the door. "What happened?" he repeated quietly.
"Nothing. He just left," I whispered, trying to remain calm. I couldn't panic. There was an explanation. Somewhere. I just had to find it!
"I meant to your room," Dad said, showing the first signs of anger. "There's a hole in the wall."
"I don't care. It's just a wall."
"How is that going to help you? Destroying your room and acting like this? Do you really think this is the best way to handle it?
I stood up as fast as I could. I couldn't take Dad's lecture. Yes, Mom left him, but not like this. And their marriage wasn't going to last anyway. It wasn't built to last. Not like me and Edward. We had to be together. He still loved me. He had to. And I had to get away from everything. "I have to get out of here," I said. I didn't pause for more than a second. I grabbed my keys and started downstairs.
"Timberlee, you can't drive right now."
"Just leave me alone!"
Dad started after me. "Stop right there," he said firmly when I reached the door. But he was still on the stairs. I could make it if I ran for it and managed not to trip, which would be a miracle for me. "You're in hysterics. You're still waking up from sedation. You can't drive. It's not safe."
"I don't care!" I exclaimed. As I started down the front stairs, I heard Dad run after me. "Timberlee, wait a minute. Think about this," he said, trying to catch up to me. I wouldn't let him get to me. I had to go and no amount of hysteria or sedation could stop me. I broke into a sprint to get to my Acura. I locked the doors so he couldn't stop me. I turned the car in the ignition and sped down the road as fast as I could, kicking mud up behind me. I heard Charlie call my name. I couldn't go back though. I had to get away from all of it. Away from the memories, away from Edward's arms--strangling me now because they weren't there to hold me--away from suggestions that Edward had hurt me or done anything he wouldn't approve of. I saw Edward as a monster, but the suggestion from anyone else, and I couldn't stand it.
I never planned a destination when I left, but I definitely didn't expect to stop where I did--Edward's house. It was dark. The fact that it was there was another sign that I hadn't imagined Edward. He was real. His family was real. Our relationship was real. It was all real. As real as the pain I felt.
Unable to stop myself, I walked to the front door slowly, shakily, leaving my car running. I didn't know what I thought I would find inside besides pain and unimaginable truths that shouted Edward was really gone. I just wanted to feel something again. I wanted to feel that rush, to feel my heart pound. The front door was unlocked, so I walked inside. I wanted to run up to Edward's room and see him there. I wanted to ask him to dance, as much as I'd once hated dancing. The house smelled like the whole Cullen family, but the furniture was gone. All of it. The antique table Esme had loved so much, the couch Emmett always sat on, the stools at the open bar, even Edward's piano. They were like ghosts too, like the Cullens. Only these ghosts, there was no proof they ever existed. It hardly looked like the house I once knew anymore. It wasn't the house I knew--Edward was gone.
I trudged up the stairs. The violent shaking had returned and I wasn't to Edward's room yet. Part of me hoped to find him there. Like all the rest, his room was empty. The bookshelf where he previously kept his CDs was the only thing there. It wasn't full though. The carpet was as thick as I remembered. The window was opened. I walked to it, unable to stop myself. I closed my eyes, tears coming again. I was so scared to live without Edward. I wanted to jump out of this window so badly in the hope that Edward would catch me. He was gone. He wasn't waiting to catch me when I fell this time.
I ran out of the room, down the hall, down the stairs, and to the front door to get away from thos terrifying thoughts. I jumped into my car, still running--both of us. I floored the gas pedal. I needed to get away. I had to! I didn't care where I went or how I got there as long as I got away. I had to go now. Away from the memories, away from the pain, away. Fast and now.
Tears blurring my vision, I sped down the winding driveway as fast as I wanted to go. Ninety. But it wasn't fast enough. I couldn't move fast enough to get away from the thoughts of Edward. I couldn't run fast enough to catch him, and I couldn't drive fast enough to get away either. So I was trapped with only memories, and those weren't enough for me. I had to find a way out or a way to feel alive again.
I was speeding down the road finally. Edward loved speed. It made me feel closer to him, less like I would never find him or see him again. I could still see Edward's house, and I pushed my car harder. The groan of protest didn't stop me. I pushed it harder because it was a tiny sign that I was getting farther away from Edward's memories and closer to him, wherever he'd gone. The sickness was gone. Only memories were left. Along with my strength, my love, my everything, Edward took all of that, everything I loved, everything I'd once clung to. He took everything that mattered and left me with nothing. Couldn't he see that it would never be like he never existed? I would never recover. And I would never love again.
Not even driving over a hundred miles an hour was enough to make my heart pound again. Sobbing didn't relieve any of the pain. I didn't slow down as I turned the corner to go somewhere else. I refused to slow down. I needed to feel something again, something other than pain. Anything else. Fear, anger, anything. But not pain.
"Shit!" I yelled out. More out of frustration and the pain. I was trying to tell this new object inside me to leave. This object called pain. It wouldn't go, as hard as I pushed. No speed to could make me leave it behind. I was yelling at something that was there forever. It would never leave me. So I cursed again, at myself this time, pushing my car harder. I closed my eyes and when I opened them, I had to swerve to miss the car to prevent a head on collision. But wasn't that what I wanted--death? Yes. Death or Edward.