Chapter Ten

My night was filled with nightmares. I couldn't understand why the nightmares continued. My day was filled with a few thousand questions. I debated for so long, and there was never any answers. My nightmares were always about how Edward refused to take me with him before he left. Not that night. I saw Edward's face. He looked miserable, as bad as I felt and worse. It made me want to tell him whatever I had to to make him feel better. He needed me. He wasn't there, and I knew he needed me. I would have ran to the end of the world to find him if I knew where he was. I would have done anything to help him. But this was his choice, wasn't it? He left. Now he needed me and I couldn't be there for him. I needed to be there for him, and I couldn't be. That hurt worse than the knowledge that Edward had left me. I still loved him and that love forced me to feel the need to comfort him whenever he needed it... I couldn't.

The pain was worse in the morning. I got a full seven hours of sleep, but it wasn't peaceful. I'd been crying all night. I woke up as tired as I was when I went to bed. Tears streaked my face and I was covered in sweat. I broke into sobs, pushing my hair from my face. I couldn't do this. I reviewed the dream in my mind, picturing the area. There had to be some way to find Edward. Even if he didn't like it, I had to be sure he was okay. But I couldn't remember any of our surroundings in the dream. Only his face and how tortured it was. I rolled over to see Dad in the doorway. I quickly wiped away the tears, but it didn't help.

He entered, and I forced the tears back. Crying wouldn't help Edward. I had to find another way. I couldn't corner myself in this helpless feeling. I had to find another way to help Edward, even if I died trying. "Timberlee, I know you'll hate the idea and you might even hate me for bringing it up, but it might help," Dad began, breaking into my thoughts. "You've been calling Edward's--" I cringed at the name, remembering how tormented he looked--"name all night. You've been tossing and turning like you're delirious with some kind of fever. Counseling is worth a try. I know you won't want to do it in Forks, so I called one in Port Angeles, and he--"

"I don't need a shrink," I said, amazed that Charlie had come up with that idea due to one nightmare. But it wasn't one nightmare. It was many. This one was new, and it was even worse than before. Edward needed me. Like I needed his arms around me, he needed my arms around him then, and I couldn't be there for him... I shook my head to push the thoughts out of my head. "I'm not crazy."

"I never said you were, honey. You don't have a choice though. I'll drive you to your appointment in the afternoon." Dad left then. He never said anything else. So I had counseling. He thought I was crazy, even if he tried to deny it. I just had to accept that. But the idea was miserable for me. I'd been through it before. Counseling never helped me.

In frustration, I chucked a pillow at the door after him, but in Port Angeles, I could get a new phone, iPod, and computer to keep in my touch with my friends at home in Los Angeles and find something to do if I remembered. I probably wouldn't even remember anything though. My mind was still on how horrible Edward looked. If a vampire could cry, that's what he had been doing. I sighed. On top of getting new electronics, I wanted to get some more books to read. Since I couldn't drive myself, I would just have to prove to the counselor that I wasn't crazy, then Dad would give in. Or maybe... Maybe my depression was the only problem, not the nightmares or the question of my stability. Charlie had every reason to worry. He just didn't understand how much I relied on Edward though. He was my everything. And he was gone. But that wasn't it on that morning. He needed me as much as I needed him. Now he was in my position. I couldn't hold him, even while I wanted to. And I didn't even know if Edward wanted to hold me anymore.

Jacob came by uninvited later on. I hugged him, happy to see him. While Dad was gone, I made lunch. My hands were cold from the eggs as I made chicken strips, but my mind was on how amazing Edward's were... It was the same recipe I was using now. Jacob was on the couch watching tv. I tried to listen so I could figure out what he was watching. But the only thing I could hear was commercials in between the sizzle of the chicken strips cooking. Jake's ears must have been unbelievably good if he could hear it. And I couldn't even guess what he was watching.

I handed Jake the plate covered in chicken strips and managed a small smile. He was watching CSI: Miami. "How can you watch that show and wat?" I asked, covering my eyes.

Jake laughed. "Best thing on. But you can change it if you want." He handed me the remote. "Watch whatever you want."

I looked at the guide so Jake wouldn't miss any key details if we ended up watching CSI anyway. "Tell me if you see anything interesting," I said, and started to scroll down. But like Jake said, there was nothing good on. We settled on CSI, but when the autopsy came on, I excused myself to go get drinks. A stupid excuse, maybe, but it got me out of the room. Jake laughed at my reaction to blood, but he didn't understand that I already had a weak stomach. Blood only made me nausea, worse than usual. So I did my very best to make sure I didn't see anything and I was completely out of earshot so I couldn't hear anything. Jake could laugh all he wanted. Me throwing up would make him realize how bad the illness was, even if it wasn't the flu or food poisoning or even morning sickness. It was worse because it was caused by anxiety and the sorrow that continued to wash over me.

We watched the CSI marathon for two hours before something else came on. Then we watched bull riding, another crime show, old movies, and whatever else we could find, switching back and forth so often that neither of us had any idea what was going on. Jake was laughing at my face as I tried to understand at least one part of the long list of shows we were watching. I rolled my eyes and went to grab Jane Eyre from my room after I threw up most of what I'd eaten. I was glad that Jacob was downstairs in the living room where he couldn't hear. My stomach was twisted in hunger again when I flopped down on the couch, book in hand. The scene reminded me of my days with Edward. Both of us on the couch. My back rested against one arm of the couch, legs over the back of the couch behind Edward's head. He always had the remote because I usually didn't pay much attention to what we were watching. Distantly, I would listen to figure out what we were watching as opposed to just looking. I was usually just staring at Edward or reading. Sometimes, I had my cell phone and texted my friends at home. At any smile or laugh, Edward would ask what was funny. We would talk, and I would end up shifting so my head was in his lap, and I could still see his face.

The feeling was different that time. It wasn't depression, worry, or anger even. It was sadness and longing for the memories I once had, longing for Edward to be with me, or at least for him to be happy. Wherever he was, he wasn't happy. And it probably wasn't because I wasn't there--he left, didn't' he? I was sad because he wasn't there and I wasn't with him. I closed my eyes when my stomach ache returned. My hand pressed to my stomach, I tried to ignore the feeling in the hopes that it would go away. But it continued to get worse. I ran upstairs to the bathroom when it was bad enough. I didn't excuse myself even. It was rude, yes, but there wasn't anything else I could do. Jake must have guessed anyway when I didn't return as quickly as I did when I went to get drinks. I grabbed my blanket and Edward's picture from my room on my way downstairs. The cruiser pulled into the driveway as I got another drink of water. The thought of being forced to go to counseling made me even more sick. I didn't want to accidentally let something slip, but my insomnia didn't help any. Maybe I was losing it in a way. Not losing my mind really. Just losing a part of myself that had kept me sane... But that part was Edward when he'd been a part of me. Now he wasn't. So maybe I just wasn't in my right mind due to insomnia.

"Hey, honey," Dad greeted when he walked inside. "Hi, Jake!" He smiled at me, but I could see the worry behind it. "You look pale. You okay?"

I rolled my eyes. "Dad, don't you already know the answer to that?" I asked, staring out the window. "Please, don't freak out. I just can't get over everything that fast and I'm really overwhelmed right now. I'm just not capable of moving on yet." Yeah, I would never be capable of moving on. Edward was the only thing that really mattered in life. He was the only thing that could be permanent. And now he wasn't even that. I sighed. "I'm not crazy either."

"I never said that, Timberlee!" Dad said, obviously frustrated by my continued argument that he thought I was crazy. But he obviously thought I was because I loved Edward. "I only want to try counseling, okay? If it doesn't work, fine, but we're trying it."

Usually I had my options. I wasn't used to being forced to do anything. Not like that. I closed my eyes in frustration. I couldn't do anything to feel better, and there was nothing anyone else could do. Not my father or a counselor. The only person who could help me was long gone. I leaned against the counter. My hunger made me light headed. I just wanted to lay in bed, to be in Edward's arms again, to hear his voice again. Why couldn't I just take a deep breath and get him out of my head for a few minutes? I'd been heartbroken before and it'd never been like this. I'd snapped right out of it, changed my hairstyle, and moved on. Now I didn't want to change anything at all. I knew why I couldn't move on though--I couldn't even breathe without Edward. How had I lived that long without him? How could I keep going? I would get through somehow because I wondered if Edward would come back someday, but it seemed so impossible from where I stood. The belief that impossible things happen everyday didn't bring much more hope than I already had; it was enough so that I could take three more breaths without the burning that usually came when I thought of him.

The healing process was slow. Physically anyway. It was almost nonexistent mentally and emotionally from what Edward had done to me. Physically, I began to heal from my car accident. My casts came off one at a time, and it made my visits with Jake easier when I could drive again. I drive my truck, stayed until dinner, and came home when it was dark. The counseling sessions were long, and I refused to answer any questions about Edward. So instead, we talked about my friends in LA, the car accident, Jake, how much I missed my mom and brother, my hobbies, and so on. By the second session, she knew not to even mention Edward. After three couch sessions, Charlie decided to let me stop when he saw that no progress was being made at all. I still teared up at the mention of Edward's name or flinched away as if someone had slapped me. Nothing was changing, so I was allowed to stop. I decided to fly home to LA one weekend. A visit with Mom and Phoebe would help me out. My trip was scheduled and my plane ticket was bought. I wasn't driving because Phoebe promised to help me look for a car to replace my Acura--I needed something to distract me.

I managed to sleep for a part of the flight from Seattle to Los Angeles. Mom picked me up from the airport. We drove straight home, and we were silent. So we hurried back to the house. The third floor of our house was entirely mine. I wanted to shower and settle in some, plus change into something a little cooler--shorts and a t-shirt maybe. Phoebe and three other friends were coming over to drag me out of my hole for a while if they could. We were going shopping at the mall, then I was going to Phoebe's house for a bit if we finished our trip to the mall early enough. She would easily be able to help me a little. She'd always been like that.

I smiled at my dog's excitement when they saw me. I had two. Sadah was a rottweiler, and Maggie was a boxer. They hadn't seen me in a long time. I showered as fast as I could, not wanting to give myself any time to think. Dressed in a pair of torn up shorts and a simple t-shirt, I hurried out to the curb and stepped into Phoebe's car. We hugged and I smiled at Katy, who was one of my best friends and my brother's girlfriend, Olivia, and Emily in the back seat. All three of them were good at finding something fun to do. They would somehow distract me. Great! Phoebe picked the three most likely to yank me out of depression and get me to laugh, smile, and probably trip a few times too.

I looked around at cars mostly on the way to the mall to see if I could make my second car shopping experience easier than when I bought my Acura. We stopped at the mall, parking as close as we could. Already I felt a little better, even though I was still thinking about Edward the entire time. What car would he smile when he saw me in, what car he would say no to immediately, what car he would have bought me... So far, I had a cute Audi in mind and a car from the '50s that was practically missile proof. That way, he didn't have to worry if I got into an accident. I wouldn't be hurt; I'd just be going to jail for murder when my car crushed the other one. Yeah, like he was worrying about me right now. It was his choice to leave, and that he did. I would have to move on now.

We ran into Macy's first. Phoebe dragging me all the way, arms linked so I couldn't escape to the security of a cheap thrift store--I didn't want to spend tons of money on myself like I would in Macy's. At first, my friends threw random articles of clothing towards me, which I caught reluctantly. Then I started looking around. I could put a smile and laugh at the jokes, but I could only remember the colors Edward liked on me. Black, blue, green mostly. Phoebe noticed what I was doing, but she didn't mention it. I knew she would bring it up when we were alone, ask why I was torturing myself. It was done unconsciously though.

The cameras came out once we were in the dressing room with loads of clothing, which we snuck in to get past the limit. We were in the handicapped dressing room so we were all together. It was cramped, but we were used to it from our previous shopping trips. I lost my balance a lot as I tried to pull on the different outfits I'd picked and especially the more sexy, flashy ones my girlfriends picked out. I leaned against the wall for a moment to regain my composure mostly. I'd never had any balance, so regaining it was impossible. Falling over seemed to be happening a lot more lately. Without Edward, I would fall over all the time. My clumsiness returned after a small delay due to my accident where I'd been extremely careful after. I sighed deeply, wondering if Edward would have laughed or asked if I was okay when he heard me hitting the wall of the dressing room. Or possibly both. I glanced at my friends when I felt the tears about to come. I had to stop them before they fell. "So what kind of car should I get?" I asked cheerfully.

"Mercedes," Olivia answered, spinning around in front of the mirror, which made the rest of us cringe away before we got hit with an elbow.

"No! You have to be the hot girl with the huge truck," Phoebe insisted. She grinned because she knew that'd been one of my plans to pick up guys before... She was trying to distract me and possibly hook me up with another guy. "Then you'll get some sexy high heeled boots. All the guys will stare when you step out, perfectly sculpted sexy leg. Yeah, so you."

I rolled my eyes, glaring at Phoebe. "Yeah, well, the last time Edward told me I looked sexy, I'd just went on a crazy long bike ride and probably smelled like onions," I muttered in annoyance, but then I laughed at the thought. A huge truck did sound nice. It cost about as much as my Acura did... And Edward was gone anyway, so why did I give a damn what he found sexy? I shrugged. "I want to give Michael my old truck maybe," I announced to change the subject. Everyone was looking at me with worry covering every inch of their face. "He needs a car now that he has his permit, and I won't ever use it after I get a new car. Or I could just buy him a whole new one..." I muttered thoughtfully.

"Buy him a new one!" Katy exclaimed, grinning at me. She knew how much Michael loved cars. "He'll love you forever if you do."

I nodded because I already knew that. Michael loved just about any car. I knew he always wanted a Mustang, so I made a mental note to look into buying him a recent model Mustang or maybe an antique... He'd love both as long as it was in good condition and didn't require too much to keep it running. I knew his favorite color was a tie between red and black, but any color would work if I couldn't find one in those two colors, and I knew I was just trying to distract myself by thinking of colors. Stupid me, but I could always have it painted it... Another way to distract myself.

"I'll have to borrow Mom's car to go look," I said, examining my reflection in the mirror. I looked absolutely horrible, but at least the tears had stopped. I could picture Edward's face in my mind still, but it was like there was a cloud of mist over it. It wasn't clear anymore, and that tortured me.

The shopping trip replaced all the clothes Edward took and it got me through another four hours without crying. We were walking into an Italian restaurant before the photographers caught sight of me. I answered their questions so they would leave me alone. By that point, I was used to yellow journalism, meaning them making a story out of nothing. The headline would be something like "Timberlee Stone's Accident Due to Alcohol or Drugs?" Then after reading the over dramatic account of what happened, the answer would come--no. I explained the accident, minus my delusions that Edward saved me. Then I smiled and I hurried away to go eat. I decided to pay to save everyone the trouble of trying to figure out what percentage we would all have to pay to get it even.

"So I looked into apartments in Forks or around there," Phoebe told us proudly. "I'm like ninety percent sure I'll be moving in a few months. So... Timberlee, you have to find me a boyfriend, okay?" She smiled because I'd told her about my friends in Forks. She'd also seen pictures of all of them too. So naturally, she was excited to meet them all, and I was excited to have her in Forks when she could help me through the worst days. She wouldn't mind. And she could never replace Edward, but she could distract me on the really bad days. Everyday was bad enough without Edward.

"We'll miss you so much!" Emily exclaimed. "We should all move to Forks maybe," she joked, but it wasn't funny to me. "Only I hate the rain!"

I smiled sadly. If you were in love with a vampire, you wouldn't mind rain so much, I thought. That's how it was for me. Rain reminded me of Edward, our short time together. Sun reminded me of the day I found out Edward was a vampire. It was the first time I'd seen him in the sun, and I finally knew why he never came out into the sunlight. I saw memories of Edward everyhwere I went. Even in Los Angeles. I could still hear his voice over the phone when James changed course to come after me. I remembered how he kissed my wrist before he sucked my blood clean of James' venom. I still had the scar, and I ran my fingers along it thoughtfully. It was just barely lighter and colder than the rest of my arm.

Horrors in Forks of when he left me. Horrors in LA of before when he saved me from James. I couldn't live or breathe without him, but I had to. I suddenly longed for home--Forks. Forks was my home now. I wanted to be as close to Edward as I could, and I couldn't do that in Los Angeles because we never spent much time there due to the sun. I knew he wanted to meet all my friends, but the blazing sun made it hard, and all two hundred of them couldn't fly to Forks to meet him, so he'd never met them.

I closed my eyes, but I couldn't block out the word that constantly cut into me--no. "I'm gonna go to the bathroom really fast," I announced, and jumped up. I knew Phoebe was following me, but that made me run faster. I didn't want to cry in fromt of her. Not because I was embarrassed; I just didn't want to let my friends and family down anymore. I was stronger than that. Bad things had happened to me before, but I'd never cried for so long. I couldn't let go and I never would. I was alive. Edward was alive--vampires couldn't die, and I could feel the breaths he took. They were the same as mine. We were both alive, even if I hardly felt alive anymore. There was a reason we were both alive. There was a small chance, even if it got smaller everyday, that I would see Edward again, and another chance that we would be as in love as ever when we did see each other again. But there was a larger possibility that I would somehow find a way to forget and Edward would never come back.

I entered the bathroom, breathless and shaking. It was empty. I folded my arms and pressed my forearms into my stomach, hoping it would help. My head bowed in defeat, I slid dwon to the ground, leaning my back against the wall. I just couldn't. I wasn't as strong as I thought. I couldnt' go on without Edward. Not like this. Not anymore.

Phoebe knelt beside me when she entered. She stroked my hair. No words were spoken to comfort me, and her presence didn't help as much as it should have. It helped only a little. It told me I was still loved, even if Edward was gone. It told me I wasn't alone. But I didn't need to be with just anyone or loved by just anyone. I needed Edward to be there, and Edward's love.

My breath was shaky and weak when I found it again. It burned my throat still. It felt like I'd been screaming for hours, and on the inside, I was. Screaming for Edward, screaming for the pain to be gone, for my heart to beat wildly again, just screaming.

Phoebe hugged me until I was able to make the tears stop. I wiped my eyes, but it never helped. That time wasn't any different. "How long do I have to cry before it goes away?" I whispered, resting my head on Phoebe's shoulder. "I can't do this. I can't push anymore. I just can't. It hurts too much. And it's like whenever I start getting better, he pulls me back again. It's like he doesn't even want me to get better. He's trying to drown me or something, trying to break me even more than he already has, and he won't just leave me alone."

Phoebe rubbed my arm. "You can do this, Tim," she told me, and we glanced up together when the bathroom door opened. "You just have to believe, honey. Don't think about him anymore. Don't think twice. Just go. Stop running. Walk a while and see what happens," she said, and I knew what she meant.

I shook my head. "He saved me," I told her, even if she couldn't understand the words that followed: "So many times. And now it doesn't even matter. If he just let that stupid car smash me, I wouldn't ever have felt that way, and now I wouldn't feel like this. I trusted him. And as always, I end up hurt," I mumbled. Phoebe had no idea about Edward's family being vampires. So she couldn't understand the car accident part, but she probably assumed it was due to insomnia or maybe she thought it was a metaphor, but she never mentioned it.

"Remember what I told you when you left him?" Phoebe asked.

I tried to remember, but everything was clouded. It was like I was blind. Edward took everything from me and left me pain. It wasn't much of a trade. I couldn't remember anything or think of anything but him. And the nightmare of him being tortured as I was didn't help. I wanted to be strong for him. But what good would that do when I had no idea where he was or if the sadness I saw in him had anything to do with me. For all I knew, Alice had died or Carlisle... No, vampires couldn't die. There was some other reason for him to be sad; I was sure it wasn't me or he would have come back. If I wasn't in Forks, there was only one other place I would be, and that was LA. He could have called me or emailed me. He wasn't crying for me. I knew that.

Phoebe hugged me as I came to that realization or belief. "I told you a broken heart means deeper feelings, and a wound means there's room for healing," she told me gently. "And that still goes. I know it hurts and I know you two were madly in love. I could tell that whenever I called you and I heard Edward laugh just because you were laughing. You can heal from this. If getting Edward back is the only way, then you'll do that. You're a fighter. I knew that from day one of this friendship. Edward knows that. We all do. So keep fighting."

"I can't. I can't even remember his face, and I have a picture of him with me all the time," I cried.

"You'll find a way. Or Edward will send it to you, okay? Believe me. I know he loves you. And I know you'll get through it. You'll remember it and you'll love him so much that you'll get through this. I know that." I shook my head distantly. How could I remember anything? Edward was torturing me and he was hurt. That was all I could think about. And Edward left. He didn't care. Phoebe didn't understand because she hadn't seen his face before he left. She didn't know that I asked him to take me with him, and she didn't know that he'd refused. He'd refused with this hatred there, like I'd done something unforgivable. I shook my head again and started sobbing again. All I wanted was Edward, not a Bentley or all the money in the world. It seemed like such a simple request because I had him once before. I didn't have to win him over before. I just had him. I'd always had him, and he'd always had me. I didn't know how to win him. I didn't know if that was what I had to do. I didn't know if I could, if I was strong enough, or if I could ever do that if I was strong enough. I knew I would try damn hard. I would give it everything I had left. I would spend my whole life searching if I could see Edward one more time before I died. At that point, I wanted to see him happy most of all. No more misery for him. I could live in hell if he was happy. If he left me to find happiness somewhere else, fine. I just had to know he was happy, and I didn't know that. I was sure he couldn't be happy, but I was sure it wasn't because of me. What I would have given for him to call me "Ma Vie" again, once more. Happiness seemed nonexistent in both of us now.