Chapter Eleven

There had always been that moment in time where the past met the present and another where the present met the future. Those moments connected a life, whatever kind it was and whoever lived it. They all felt the same to me. I didn't know when my past turned into the present or when my present became the future. It was all the same to me--pointless without Edward and helpless without the chance to help myself, which I couldn't do without Edward.

It was six in the morning, but I couldn't sleep. I'd been up all night writing songs. I knew Ted would be pleased if I recorded a CD with him. It would make him lots of money, and I would make some too. That wasn't the point though. I just wanted to hear Edward saying something other than what he always said in my dreams--no. Even in the dreams where he was tortured, now he said no. Same tone, same pained expression, same forced voice. I needed to hear him call my name. I needed to see his smile. Music made me feel closer to him--it was one thing we had in common. Even though he was wherever and I was in LA, waiting through life to get to a point where I could see him again. If that point ever came. I hoped.

I began looking at cars for both myself and Michael online until I found him the perfect Mustang. It passed time, it made me feel a little better to know my life had some small purpose, even if it was one as stupid as buying my fifteen year old brother a car he couldn't legally drive yet. Not that that would stop him. Mom agreed to let me borrow her car to go buy my new car and Michael's. I was picking up Phoebe, and Mom was coming too. She would drive us to buy the 2008 black Mustang for Michael. I would drive it to look at a Ford F-150 for myself--a change that was still like me. It had been my idea to step out of the car and be the totally unexpected girl in the leather boots with spike heels. So it wasn't too much of a change in case Edward did come back eventually. I somehow doubted it. If I ended up buying the Ford, Phoebe would drive the mustang, and I would drive my truck home to go surprise Michael. Phoebe and Mom had both agreed to the plan, even if it was a little complicated, probably more complicated than it needed to be. But I didn't care. It kept me distracted.

So I got dressed in a pair of black skinny jeans, a gray shirt, and my All Star Converse. Casual and I didn't care if I looked like crap--I felt like that too. Ready for Mom to suggest we stop by the mall to shop, I tucked my credit card into my back pocket. We picked up Phoebe at her house, which was conveniently on the way to look at the Mustang. I hugged her, happy to see her, as always. For the past few days, she'd kept me sane and I'd gotten through the day without any tears, even if I cried late at night. It didn't matter. It was progress, even while the hole inside me remained. I sat in the back seat to give Phoebe shot gun.

Two hours later, I had a beautiful burgundy 2009 Ford F-150 and Michael had a black 2008 Ford Mustang, even if he didn't know it yet. Reckless spending, yeah, but I could smile. We were on our way back to my house to show Michael, totally surprise him until I could smile the most genuine smile yet. Then Phoebe and I were going to look at some homecoming dresses for next year--the earlier we got the dress, the less likely it would be that someone else had the same dress. I wasn't planning to go, but it would be fun if I kept my mind open. And Phoebe wanted to test out the high heel boot thing with my new truck, see how many "digits" she could get. I laughed so hard my stomach hart when she told me that. Maybe LA was the place I should have stayed, but the longing for home remained and I knew I would soon return to Forks.

Mom covered Michael's eyes from behind him while I led the way to the front yard. Katy sat on the hood of Michael's new Mustang, trying not to laugh at the look on my face. I was laughing, and feeling a little better again for one second, and that was enough. It was the first time I felt confident enough to get through this. "Okay, let him see, Ma," I said, bursting with a new excitement. I wasn't excited to live, like I had been with Edward, but any excitement was a good thing.

Michael stared, eyebrows raised once Mom moved her hands. "It's for you," I announced, tossing him the keys with a grin. "Consider it a late birthday present or an early Christmas present. And don't wreck it, don't get caught driving without a license, and don't break curfew," I listed, hugging him as he continued to stare.

"Are you serious? You got me a Mustang?"

I nodded. "Yeah... I kinda touched my trust fund for the first time," I replied. I hated my biological parents, but I had the trust fund. Why not blow the money on things I didn't need? It would help me for two minutes, and that was good enough for me. Michael was still trying to figure out if I was joking or not, but I could see how he was playing with his keys in temptation.

"Go on, baby," Mom said, but she was crying. Obviously worried about Michael driving alone with only his permit. "Start it up, go around the block. Just don't wreck! Please, for the love of God."

Michael grinned at me. Katy got into the passenger's seat and they drove off. I allowed myself a laugh when I heard Michael yell something out the window as he started down the road, speeding already. Mom hugged my shoulders. Partly happy, partly too weak to stand on her own due to worry--Michael had this strange idea that he could get away with anything. "That was so nice of you," she told me. "I just hope he's careful."

I nodded. "He will be, Ma," I promised to ease her fears. Michael was a good driver, just obsessed with speed. "Let's get going, Pheebs," I said with a grin at her old nickname. "We should get a pedicure or something too." I didn't have to lead Phoebe to my truck, she was dragging me with her four inch heels in hand. I guess I had believed she wasn't serious about the boot thing until then. Wow... The leather seats in my truck still smelled new, really good! Not like Edward, as my Acura had, but I loved the way leather smelled. It was a good change. The truck was huge! Definitely me. A feminine color--burgundy like my Acura--while a huge, manly truck. And by the look on Phoebe's face, she actually planned to meet a boyfriend this way too. As long as she didn't try to hook me up, that was fine with me.

With a smile, I rolled down the windows and plugged in my iPod. I turned the volume all the way up. I laughed suddenly, selecting the band Muse. Phoebe jumped at the sudden start of one of my favorite Muse songs, "Supermassive Black Hole". I laughed again, remembering the old times. Yeah, LA was a good change, but I was bound to have a huge breakdown after all the smiles and giggling. We sang along with the song as we drove towards another shopping center.

Everyone's attention was on us as we pulled up, which was Phoebe's hope and she made that very clear when she forced me to roll up the windows so they couldn't see we were female. The feeling of unaliveness had suddenly returned to me. I decided that it wasn't like I was dead because my heart was technically still beating, even if it felt weak--weak because it had no reason to beat without Edward. I didn't feel alive. More tears came to my eyes, and they came close to falling as I turned off my truck's near silent engine. I ignored them, forcing them back without even realizing it.

Edward's face flashed in my mind then. There were boys watching, and Phoebe waved at them. I couldn't even smile, and that probably ruined Phoebe's plan. I scanned the shadows, actually expecting Edward to be there, then I sighed and let it go--he wasn't there. I linked arms with Phoebe because her look told me she was worried. "So, uh, when are you moving to Forks?" I asked Phoebe to distract myself. "Any set date?"

"Not yet. Before school starts at Forks High though since I have to finish high school. We're gonna have classes together. Oh, god, I can't wait! What's the plan for the rest of the day though?" Phoebe was good at distracting me. One topic to the next before I had a half second to think about Edward. But she couldn't wait to move to Forks because she loved rain. Rain was associated with Edward.

"Not sure. Might trim my hair, and Mom wants to get my eyes checked. She thinks I need glasses. They've been blurry all day, and she won't believe me when I say that it's from crying so much," I replied with a small smile. "I've been avoiding it. I don't really want to change anything. I guess I'm scared that Edward will come back and I'll have changed so much that he won't love me. I dunno. My judgment is obviously crooked and wrong, and... insane."

Phoebe squeezed my hand. "He will," she promised. "Who couldn't love you? Don't change too much though, okay? I don't want to lose my friend!"

I shook my head. "You won't. But I feel like I keep losing a new part of myself. Or more like I did lose a part and now I keep losing more or something. Edward took so much and most of it wasn't even his to take," I said quietly, finding it hard to breathe again. It hurt to breathe. And I wasn't even talking about the pictures he took or the memories. I was talking about my strength and my happiness. Had he not even considered what this would do to me? Or did he even care? I didn't know, and did it really matter? He was gone. Period.

We went to Starbucks to chat after a trip through the shopping center. Phoebe didn't know much about my nightmares, but I knew she would eventually find out. I always told her everything, which made keeping Edward's secret from her extremely hard. Especially after he'd hurt me. Part of me wanted to lash out and hurt him back. But he left, right? As far as I knew, he didn't give a damn about me anymore. Lashing out wouldn't hurt him. I sighed. "It's like he wants to torture me, like I said before, but then I always see him hurting. I know he needs me, and I want to be there for him, but I can't. It's confusing and none of it makes sense to me. I just don't know what to say. It's like... when I see him hurting, it's just another way to hurt me," I explained when we drifted to the topic of my nightmares. "That's worse than not having him when I need him--not being there for him when I know he needs me. And I know that sounds completely crazy, but I can't help still loving him, and maybe I am crazy."

"So fight twice as hard to get by. If you gave up, what would that do to him? How would he feel?"

I frowned, about to burst into tears. This was worse than a therapy session because Phoebe knew what questions to ask. I looked down at my hands. "He would blame himself," I concluded finally, and I knew he would. He had the most over sensitive conscious there was. Or at least I thought he did. Maybe that part of him had also changed with the monster.

"Then do it for him. Get through for him. You can do that. You're strong enough because you love him."

I nodded thoughtfully. Edward's love me gave me most of my strength, but loving him gave me a small amount of strength too. It gave me a tiny bit of hope. But no more than that. Loving him was the most I could do in that situation. Love him with everything I had, fight with everything, and I would fail a few times, but that didn't matter if I got through in the end. I sighed and pulled out the wallet. "My treat," I told Phoebe with a small smile. "As payment for your advice."

"Ah, you're so sweet!" Phoebe exclaimed, and I managed a small laugh.

We got our frappaccinos and switched for a few seconds so we could try the other's. And then we hurried to our favorite shoe store. My iPod on, one earphone in my left ear, the other in Phoebe's right, I walked at a slower pace than usual so she could keep up. It seemed I'd started walking much faster, at a pace that could match Edward's long legs. I didn't cry at that realization, only paused for a moment to breathe in how much it hurt to see how much he'd changed me. "We should find a concert to go to," I told Phoebe as we separated to go look at shoes--we were different sizes. "Any you know of?"

"Nope. Sorry. I lost track with finals and all," Phoebe admitted. "These are adorable!" She held up a pair of flat boots with a unique silver buckle on the side. "But I'm broke after yesterday," she muttered, and I knew she was trying to manipulate me into buying them for her.

Lucky for her, it was a little too easy. "I'll buy 'em," I replied, rolling my eyes.

"You are way too generous, but... since you offered, okay! Thanks so, so, so much!" Phoebe exclaimed, sitting to try them on.

I smiled at her. But my thoughts were on Edward again. I was unusually clumsy, but I could wear heels anyway as long as I didn't mind tripping a few extra times. I would end up crying every time I did trip though--Edward always used to catch me before it was even obvious that I'd tripped. I couldn't let myself fall apart. Giving Michael a Mustang helped me feel better. Not alive or even good. Just better, and that was enough. I shook my head to try to get Edward out of my head and moved onto look at Converse--mine were old and falling apart.

Phoebe ended up picking out seven pairs of shoes for me to try on behind my back. That made me long to talk to Alice. I found it amazing how little thought I'd given her compared to Edward, even if I'd thought of her, but I knew they would have understood if they were there. If I ever saw them again, which I doubted.

I sighed in frustration as I tried on the shoes. Phoebe had my camera in hand and was taking pictures of me as I walked up the aisle, testing all the shoes. Half of them were stilettos, and Alice had spent forever trying to get me into that kind of shoe. I wasn't up to complaining or arguing though. Not this time. I would only end up bursting into tears. I just needed to force Edward and Alice, and all the Cullens out of my mind for a little while, and I doubted that would ever work. But I would try anything if it would help me a little. A little was enough after a month of no progress. I just needed to hear his voice say something. Anything at all, besides no.

We stayed at the mall until it closed, then I dropped Phoebe off at her house. I would have invited her to spend the night over at my house, but I wanted time alone to think. She understood, of course--she always did. So I hugged her from the driver's seat of my truck, waited until she was inside before I started home.

Ted was usually the one to cook in our house after I moved out because mom liked to experiment and few of her recipes ended up being edible. But I decided to give Ted a break and make beef stew while he was busy in his office. Michael arrived home earlier than he usually did, and he hugged me from the side. I was amazed to see he was taller than me already. "Thanks a ton! World's Best Big Sis," he said, testing the soup for me, despite my glare.

I managed a smile. "Actually, I got it for pretty cheap," I replied, even though it was technically a lie. "But you're welcome anyway."

"Not really supposed to drive it yet since I only have my permit," he mumbled, sounding disappointed.

"Just don't get pulled over," I told him, and served myself a bowl of stew. I smiled at Michael one more time before I hurried upstairs to my room. I set my bowl on the nightstand and grabbed my notebook and a pen. So far, all my songs were about Edward specifically or for him. Slowly, I wrote four more songs for previous boyfriends too. I took a bite of my stew every few minutes until it was gone, and then I moved to my piano. It was right in front of my fireplace. I set the words to the side and started playing, writing the notes as I went.

It took most of the night, but I recorded each song in my makeshift recording studio. I burned four copies of the CD and labeled them all, "Timberlee Stone: Songs of a Broken Heart". After two hours of sleep, I woke up and I decided it was time to start my drive back to Forks. I wasn't going to stay around another day to get my eyes checked or cut my hair. I didn't care and I wasn't strong enough to deal with anymore change right now. I slipped the first CD under Ted's office door on my way downstairs with the last of my bags from my shopping trips.

The drive to Forks, Washington, from LA, California, took two days usaully. I'd made the drive several times before. It was six AM when I pulled out of the driveway--I couldn't stand it any longer, not even until Mom woke up. I wanted to be where Edward had been with me. I wanted to be near him. I wasn't able to do that in LA, not that I didn't try. I did. I just needed to be in my bedroom in Forks where we spent so many nights staying up and talking.

On the ride home, I cried freely. Mom would want to know why I left early, but it wouldn't be too hard to explain. I just needed Forks because that was where I'd met Edward, where we grew close, and where we fell apart, whenever that happened.

I spent the night in my truck, sleeping in the parking lot of a closed grocery store for a few hours before I got back on the highway. Dangerous, but I could never sleep and falling asleep wasn't really possible because the fear of my nightmares forced me stay awake. It was the second day of my drive before my phone rang. It wasn't Mom crying with worry or Dad yelling as I thought it would be. It was Ted calling about how one of the biggest record companies in LA--they wanted to sign a deal with me. I pulled over so I could scream without wrecking my new truck. He said he'd work out the details and call me back. I was only supposed to keep writing and be prepared for another flight back to LA to meet the producer and so on.

I hung up and tossed my phone into the passenger's seat. Hands gripping the wheel tightly, I allowed myself a smile. Only a smile. No scream in excitement as I would have before Edward left and as I thought I would have. And it was all because I was worried about Edward's reaction. I let out a slow, shaky breath and got back on the highway towards Forks. I didn't speed, but I wanted to go by Edward's house again. I knew what to expect there now. It wouldn't hurt me so much, and I could still feel closer to him there. He wasn't there, but a part of him was. I knew he would return someday because he had been to Forks before when he was still a young vampire. He would come back, and I might be dead when he did, but I knew he would recognize my writing anyway.

With everyone in Forks staring at my new truck, I drove straight to Edward's house. I cried out in the pain I felt when I saw it, so dark and empty, covered in ferns. It hurt worse than I thought it would, but I wasn't going to ru. I would never survive if I couldn't face this head on. I grabbed my notebook and a pen from the backseat and ran through the rain to the front door. Empty. Emptiness inside of me. I bowed my head on the front porch, trying to remember what the house had looked like before. But it didn't work, so I sighed and continued up to Edward's room.

Back against the wall and legs crossed, I started to write. I didn't know if Edward would ever get the letter, but I knew it would at least make me feel like I could still talk to him. Even if he didn't reply. I sighed when the letter sounded like someone Edward wouldn't recognize. So formal and distant. I crumpled it up, threw it aside, positioned myself so I was laying on my stomach, feet in the air, and I began again.

Edward,
You told me that when enough time passed, it would be like you never existed. But did you really think I could forget so easily? Or even at all? Did you think I would let myself forget the happiest time of my life? I won't ever forget, no matter what. I'm not like that. I'll find a way to remember, and not even you can stop me. Not like this. I'm not writing to discuss what happened between us necessarily--I still don't know what did happen. I'm writing because I need to talk like we used to, and I know that I'll bring up everything a dozen times, but I don't care. It's something I have to do before I do my best to move on, giving it everything I have left.

I made my first CD and I'm going to sign a record deal maybe. I know Ted called in multiple favors, but it doesn't matter to me. I'm still glad. Not happy. I can't be happy just yet, but I'm getting closer, and I hope that makes you happy somehow--I've been having nightmares about you being miserable, and I don't want that, not even now. I'm not sure why I'm getting closer or how because you're still gone, and I'm still not giving in the hope that you'll return to me someday. But I won't give in either, ever. Not like this. I don't want to tour, but when Phoebe moves to Forks--she's going to soon--she can help me make music videos for fun. Something to kill time and keep my mind off the thoughts of what happened. See, if I remember only the good times, there would never be a problem. That's all I want to remember. But in remembering the good, I'm forced to remember the bad too. It's complicated, I guess. I hope you'll understand that.

Anyway. When Ted called me, I couldn't allow myself any joy because I wasn't sure if you would approve of the person I've become. I feel like I'm one of the animals whose blood you drink. You're slowly draining the life from me. I can't believe that was ever your intention, but I wish I knew why you left. I wish I could live as I did before I met you. That's not possible though. Before, I held onto the belief that true love would find me. Well, it did. You were my true love. And I guess you still are, but it doesn't matter if you don't love me back. I found it and I lost it, which leaves me with nothing left to believe in. I wish I could be happy. Then, just maybe, I could feel human. I know how you feel now. I've turned into a monster somehow. Unable to escape, unable to move on--frozen. You know exactly how I feel, and that's all I can say about that. I want to be with you again. Even as you drain the life from my body, I still remember how you gave me life because that's the most important part. Without you, I would be dead. You saved my life for whatever reason you had. It was love then, and maybe you regret it now, but I owe you my life still. I could never forget that. I could never forget you, so don't forget me. Please? And come back someday.

Here's a copy of my CD.

All my love, strength, hope, and life--you're everything to me, even in absence.

-Timberlee

I sighed deeply, closing my eyes as I folded up the letter carefully--I didn't want to get a paper cut because that would drive Edward mad. I sealed the letter with a kiss, literally, and left it on the floor with my CD on top of it so it wouldn't blow away with the wind, as Edward had. I left then. To stop the tears--it hurt to leave when I'd felt so close to Edward for the first time since he left--I blasted out my music to stop any regret or pain that might come as I started down his long, winding driveway. I sang along to make sure I never debated if I should go back and rip up the letter, take the CD so it wouldn't ever hurt him, make him realize what he'd done to me. But nothing could stop my tears as hard as I tried. I missed Edward so much, and I could never move on. I was stuck in time, like he was, but I wasn't immortal. Time would end, and I would die with it.