Chapter Fourteen
I cried that night. Not because Edward left. Not because it still hurt. Not even because I was overwhelmed. I cried because I was moving on to make that first step. I wanted to get the old Edward out and replace him with my Edward. I cried myself to sleep, but there was no nightmare. It wasn't good either. It was neutral. Edward was in it. He stood ahead of me. His unneeded breath mingled with my own breathing. Neither of us said anything, and I didn't even see his face. I knew it was him anyway. I could smell him. I could feel his presence in my sleep. There was no doubt in my mind that it was him. He never turned. He never looked at me. He never moved. But it was him, and I was with him in the silence.
My eyes shot open when my door banged against my wall. I sat up just as fast. When I saw it was only Dad, I let out an annoyed groan and laid back down. "Go away!" I mumbled, pointing towards the door furiously. "I want to sleep. Leave me alone."
"Sorry. Sorry. I was just coming to make sure you were alive," Charlie replied, taking the four half-full cups of water from my night stand and desk. "You're usually up by now."
"I know my sleeping patterns already. Shut up and go away!" I exclaimed, throwing another finger towards the door. My insomnia had finally caught up to me. I was exhausted and just wanted to sleep for two weeks. I was too tired to care if I got grounded yelling at Charlie--I would just sleep the entire time anyway. Sleep sounded nice after so long of only a few hours of tortured sleep anyway.
Charlie was silent for a moment, obviously trying to see if I was serious. Then he cleared his throat. "Fine. Sorry again," he said, and I could tell he was smiling. "Sleep as late as you want, honey. I'll order pizza."
"What do you not understand about 'go away'?" I asked, sitting up again. I rolled my eyes and fell back against my pillows, groaning loudly. My dream of Edward returned when I fell back asleep. He was facing me. His golden brown eyes lit up with joy at the sight of me, and he was happy, but his eyes looked like the monster's still. I couldn't be happy about that. I watched us stare at each other, like we were total strangers. And in a way, we were. In this dream, I couldn't find the happiness I wanted to see in Edward. His eyes were so dead, like mine. We were together, but unable to celebrate or to love each other. I woke up again around one. I'd slept thirteen hours total, even with Charlie waking me up! I felt much better. It was shocking to me, and I was trying to understand why things were so easy now. I still hurt, Edward was still gone, but I could breathe now. There wasn't any true relief though because it still bothered me. Edward had supposedly lied about not loving me before, so why should I believe the letters? I was confused, unable to be sure of anything anymore. But I didn't feel as dead as before.
I got up and immediately reached for my guitar. Sad songs were the only thing I'd written recently. I wanted to write something else for a change. So I started strumming quietly, then started over more confidently when I was sure I liked the tune. The lyrics written, I began playing the same tune to see if it matched as well as I hoped it would. One day without crying was important. I had to do that.
I have only this breath
To keep this moment
At the dawn of today
All the mystery left
Is here before me
But can my heart turn away?
I've come too far now...
These four walls could never hold me
And these two hands
Could never hold me back
I'm just before the open door
And I'm so much more
Than these two hands
Now the worlds pass away
And I'm left blindly
From the secrets I keep
I'm no longer afraid
Of what might find me
Or the fields that I reap
I've come too far now...
These four walls could never hold me
And these two hands
Could never hold me back
I'm just before the open door
And I'm so much more
Than these two hands
One breath, one step
Is keeping me here
I've nothing left
And nothing to fear
I've come too far now...
These four walls could never hold me
And these two hands
Could never hold me back
I'm just before the open door
And I'm so much more
Than these two hands
I had come too far to turn back. It would have been useless anyway. Giving up would solve nothing. I had to fight on. I had to keep being the person that I was and fight until I won. That was what Edward had wanted. I wasn't going to fight to accept he was gone though. I swore that I would always remember him and I swore that I would only fight to get him back. Fight through the last eleven months, then move on and go search for him. I had to keep going. For Edward. I had to be that girl he loved. I didn't mind being gossiped about because I found this new power to move on, but I was truly terrified of what would come in my future. Nothing was certain in life and I hated not knowing. One thing I did know: Edward was alive. Vampires couldn't die. He lived forever. I didn't want pity or anything else because that all ended. I wanted Edward because that was the only thing I could hold onto for the rest of my life. And he would never die. There was security there. But all of that knowledge was pointless if I couldn't find Edward again.
I went back to sleep after that. I slept a few more hours. Edward was still in my dreams. It wasn't horrible though. It was actually nice. He was walking and I was running. Not after him or away from him. To him. He was waiting for me with open arms, ready to catch me if I tripped. Ready to be there forever. He was back. I couldn't be happy though because it was only a dream. It wasn't set in my future to see him again. That was only my hope. A fool's hope, so I was a fool. But it was done willingly. I would not give up the last piece of hope that I had.
I woke up feeling a little depressed. I missed him. That would never change. I only wanted to be close to him forever. I didn't know if I could make it through without slipping. I was so scared. But wasn't fear part of every journey, no matter how small? Wasn't it part of every life? I would fear if that was part of my journey to find Edward again. But I would not go on just existing. I needed to live, and I needed to be strong, even if I broke down several times. Not for myself or my family this time because that hadn't worked. For Edward because he'd left only to protect me. That was all I could do. Hope was all I had left. And I was willing to accept that as my journey continued.
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A/N: Song featured in this chapter is called "These Two Hands" by Hana Pestle.