BAD GRACE - quantum witch © 2005
see Prologue for warnings, rating, and summary
In which the Them contemplate - and roleplay - 'the miracle of childbirth'.
1:02 - QUICK STUDIES
THE WEATHER TODAY WAS JUST LOVELY, and Adam Young's thoughts turned toward autumn.
He really liked autumn, because having a huge pile of leaves to play in was one of his absolute favourite things. The smell of them burning was brilliant and fit in just perfectly with the crisp air and knowledge that in another month or so, there would be snow to play in. The best part about being the Antichrist and having world-altering powers was that you could elect to just leave things exactly as they'd always been. If that was the way you really liked it – and for Adam, this was true – why go changing it all and ruining it for yourself?
School was starting again in a few days, along with its tedium and homework and not having nearly as much time for fun afterward. He supposed he could have banished school entirely from reality, but then he'd have deprived his good friend Wensleydale of going and Wensley loved school. His other best friends Pepper and Brian didn't love it quite so much, but Adam also knew that they'd be bored without it, and then Adam would have to work extra hard to think of exciting things for them to do. It was a tough job, sometimes, being in charge of the Them. So school could stay in the picture, so long as it still had summers and holidays off.
As he sauntered along the path leading back to his home, he pondered the world. He knew he'd probably messed up a few things here and there when he'd restarted reality. But did it matter? People seemed to be perfectly capable of adapting to changes. He certainly was, and everyone he knew personally was. So it stood to reason that everyone else in the world would have learned to cope. After all, it had been over two weeks already and that was practically an eternity.
At this moment, Adam was pondering the concept of babies. He'd never thought much about it before, of course, because he was the youngest in the Young family. Pepper had a little sister, but he'd been a lot younger when she was born and so hadn't bothered to connect the fact that their mum had gotten fat for half a year and then started getting thinner again after the baby arrived. It was one of those mysteries that didn't need to be solved, it just… was.
Now, he was determined to study the phenomenon, because Anathema was going to have one.
He'd just found this out from a visit to the witch's cottage. Newton had returned three days ago and, after nipping off to the Registry Office Monday morning to get married, was perusing the local paper for job ads. They were apparently a bit worried that neither of them had much money or real job experience to speak of. Anathema had been to university but not gotten a useful degree, and had otherwise spent her whole life working toward fulfilling prophecies. Sadly, there wasn't much money to be made in that field even if she took up reading Tarot for people (which Pepper's mum did on weekends, though in a very different way). Newt hadn't really done anything that panned out except clerking and part-time witch hunting. And now that he'd caught his witch –hah- he was entirely ready to settle down in Lower Tadfield and work toward the future.
Adam had found that when he'd looked at Anathema, who was smiling but obviously nervous, he could actually sense the tiny new life within her. And in the moment, he'd felt a burst of happiness and contentment, which radiated outward and filled him with a real glow. Even the enormous love he had for Lower Tadfield - love which had warped reality to protect it from harm - hadn't been quite like this. It surprised him, but also pleased him.
He liked Anathema a great deal, and was very glad that she'd stayed in Jasmine Cottage and to see her smiling and happy. And because she obviously liked Newt it was perfectly reasonable to like him too. Adam liked people in general, because they were so interesting. And one thing Adam never was, was bored.
He hadn't personally been responsible for the baby coming into being, but that was all right. He could make it his responsibility when it was born. This seemed very important to him, but he didn't analyse why. He just felt it. He internally appointed himself as the baby's personal guardian.
He mused over that a moment. Didn't babies get guardian angels and stuff? Maybe he ought to mention this to a certain angel living in Soho. He had the proper phone number and address, because of course he could get anything he wanted. He was sure the angel would welcome the opportunity, because his job of finding and watching Adam had sort of failed to happen and surely the angel would want to watch over something else that was important. It just stood to reason.
As for the demon… well, he would figure that out when the time came. Meanwhile finding something to keep himself busy might be the only way to keep the demon out of trouble. Adam had made it very clear that there would be no more messing with people's lives allowed, no matter how great the temptation, and he was quite sure the order would be obeyed. But he wasn't heartless about the matter. He knew the demon wasn't bad, deep down, just looking for something to keep him focused and interested. Adam could relate to that all too well.
Then Newt would soon get a good job and everything would be all right. Adam had already decided Mr. Young would be the best person to help the situation. His father worked, and though Adam had only the vaguest idea of what it was he did, it was surely something that Newt could manage. He would find a way to arrange matters for the couple, so they wouldn't lack for anything truly important.
Adam took care of his friends.
It would be interesting to see what a new baby was like, if it was really like on TV. Whenever a TV family had a baby, they acted very happy and would make silly goo-goo noises at it and feed it bottles. That seemed, if nothing else, quite amusing to watch. Of course there were the diapers, which he understood were a mess and no one liked to do it, but he was sure Anathema and Newt wouldn't shirk their duty. They were good people.
Adam and the Them would all figure out the very best ways to study this baby situation. Then they would welcome it and help take care of it. Though of course Adam himself would be themost involved, just because that was right. He smiled as he scuffed His shoes along the dirt path to his front door. He always got what it was he most wanted.
He called his friends and told them his general plans – discussion of babies and how to care for them. And only because it was Adam suggesting, they didn't scoff or laugh or be otherwise derisive. If he was suggesting it, it must be for a good reason.
After lunch, Adam spent a half hour flipping through the encyclopaedias to refresh his memory of what it was people did to get babies. He'd taken the first class two years ago, but it had seemed boring at the time. Now, though, he had a truly burning curiosity about the whys and wherefores. When he found the proper pages in the books, a sort of horrified fascination filled him and he wondered how much of this information Anathema and Newton themselves actually knew.
He doubted that Anathema would wind up having a see-through stomach like the drawings showed. Which was probably a good thing.
A couple hours later, the Them gathered at The Pit, having brought along various bits of necessary equipment. They seldom simply debated new and interesting matters. They had to act them out in order to explore all the possibilities.
Pepper had borrowed one of her little sister's dolls, the sort that drank and cried and burped and wetted itself. She had glared fiery daggers the moment she arrived, daring any of the boys under pain of near-death to snigger at the fact she was carrying a doll. They knew better.
"See, tending a baby isn't so different than a doll. I remember when my sister was just born, a little bit anyway," Pepper said in an instructional tone of voice. "Mum did it like this." She swung the doll, which had been dangling from her careless fist, up until it was marginally cradled in the curve of her left arm. "You hold 'em up close, so they can feel your heartbeat, she said. And you feed 'em from a bottle, like this." She fished out the plastic toy bottle from her jeans pocket and rammed it roughly into the doll's mouth. "Then they just suck it up and after a while you toss 'em over your shoulder like this." Once again the doll was swung about. "And you pat 'em on the back until they burp, and sometimes they spit instead and you have to wipe it off. It kinda looks likes old yogurt."
The Them shuddered in disgust at this. They'd tried yogurt once during their afternoon of Health Food dieting. The only keen part about yogurt was finding out it was full of real live bacteria.
Wensleydale, as usual, had done the most factual research, which Adam had counted on. "It's quite simple really," he said, shoving his glasses up on his nose. "The medical bits, anyway. We got that in school already. It's all about putting… things in the right places. Then there's an egg, though not like a chicken's. And this little wiggly thing that looks like a tadpole but it's not a frog. Then it squishes together and grows and splits apart a few times and eventually turns into a baby. It's called 'repo-duction' and it's how we all got made by our parents."
There was a hint of an odd look on Adam's face then. He wondered if that really was the case for him, personally. Not that it mattered now.
"My Granny's always saying the stork brought me," Brian said off-handedly.
"Don't be silly, that's just an old fairy tale," Wensley scoffed. "Storks have baby storks, not baby humans."
Adam gave the tiniest of smiles then. He'd certainly been brought to his parents by a winged creature, but definitely not a very stork-like one.
Wensely continued to Brian. "Didn't you ever pay attention in school?" He was affronted. For him, such a thing would have amounted to a cardinal sin.
"Not to that stuff, no," Brian sneered. "It was gross! All the kissing and getting sloppy with yourselves. Ugh!" He wrinkled his nose. "And then there's this whole 'nuther person stuffed inside a woman for months and months, and she gets all big and fat, and then it comes out of… you don't wanna say where!" Looking utterly disgusted, he declared, "I'm glad I'm a boy!"
Pepper growled a bit at this comment, and Dog, who had been sniffing about at her sister's doll growled in sympathy. He could feel the mounting tension in the air.
"Of course on TV shows," Wensley said, bringing the topic back to something more familiar and comfortable, "whenever there's a woman expecting a baby, I heard that they don't really have a baby in there. They just use a pillow stuffed in their shirts to make 'em look like that." He'd brought along a rather sad old feather pillow in order for them to act out the concepts. "Here, Pep, you try it on. Let's see what you look like pregnant."
Pepper's eyes narrowed dangerously. "Nuh-uh! I'm not gonna wear that thing."
"But on TV they wear 'em, and they're all famous actresses and stuff," Brian grinned, getting into the game. "And then they walk around groaning 'Oh my back aches!' and have to sit down all funny." He staggered around a bit, imitating the idea, then leaned backward to sit and fell over instead.
Wensley sniggered a bit. "Right, Pep should be the actress and play the woman."
"Nuh-uh! Don't see why it's always gotta be the woman who's gotta be preg-nunt, anyway," Pepper declared forcefully, shaking the much-abused doll in Brian's face. "You wear the ugly ol' thing and you look fat!"
"It's always the woman who's pregnant. You know that. Teachers AND parents AND TVAND encyclopaedias all say so," Wensley said knowledgeably.
"Oh come on, it doesn't matter that much," said Brian. "Here I'll do it." He shoved the pillow into his shirt and waddled about looking like an inflated penguin. "Oooh," he moaned in falsetto, "me achin' back! Oh dearie me! I do wish the baby would come out so's I can sit down normally again!"
Wensley, getting into the act, lifted the other things he'd brought with. Putting on a stylish fedora, and carrying a briefcase, he shouted, "Honey, I'm home! Work was awful today!" He stomped forward to Brian and patted him on the belly. "How's the baby coming along, my pet? And is dinner ready yet?"
Pepper snarled, her burgeoning feminist sensibilities already at the boiling point. She squeezed the doll so hard it's head nearly popped off. "That's not the way it really is! You guys don't know nothin'! None of you's got a little sister or brother, so you never saw your mums preg-nunt! It's not like that at all! You're so stupid!" She stood up and took a threatening step in their direction, and both boys squeaked in fear and backed away, dropping their props.
Adam cleared his throat, and they all turned to him.
"It's really not fair that only women have babies," he said, "but it's still the truth. And now there's gonna be a new baby, right here."
There was an instant change in atmosphere. The Them stopped squabbling and gathered round with interest.
"Oh?" said Wensley, "is your mum expecting?"
"No, not mum," Adam said, and a gentle sort of smile spread across his face. "It's Anathema."
"The witch?" Brian asked excitedly. "She's gonna be a mother? For real?"
Adam nodded.
"But she's not married to anyone, is she?" Pepper asked, looking confused. "You gotta have a husband, my mum says, to make a baby."
"She is married now. Just got married Monday. To that Newton guy," Adam said.
"Oh, well that's all right then," Pepper nodded, satisfied.
"And we're gonna make sure the baby is happy," Adam continued. "We'll be around to welcome it here. And sometimes we might watch over it."
"Oh yeah," Pepper said. "Babysitting. Mum says that's very important, so that the parents have time for themselves. Otherwise they'd go bonkers inside a month."
Wensley said, "I don't think we're old enough to be babysitters. Last time I had one, I was only eight, and really I didn't need it anymore, but my parents insisted."
Brian chimed in then, "But if we're all together, we're sort of old enough. As a group anyway. We could watch a baby sometimes, all together."
Adam nodded at this idea, though personally he was sure that he would be allowed to watch the baby alone sometimes. He lived the closest to Jasmine Cottage of them all, and so it made sense. That and, well, he just wanted it to be that way.
"Right," he declared standing up. "So we wait until it's born. And then we'll have another best friend."