Chapter Seventeen
Alice met us nearby, always in the shadows, carrying my backpack. She said she'd gotten us the presidential suite so we'd be nice and comfortable for our wait. That would never happen. I wasn't sure if Edward would leave me again once this was all over. I couldn't relax. I walked with tears in my eyes, arms folded and pressed into my stomach to calm the butterflies, and Edward's hand guiding me gently, touching my back. I hated how it felt. So foreign when it should have been so familiar. The hotel was outside of Volterra and we had to walk until there wasn't anyone to see Edward and Alice running vampire speed because a policeman had recognized the Porsche to be stolen. I was shaking. Weak with hunger, but we couldn't stop.
"So you didn't jump?" Edward asked quietly.
"No, I did," I answered softly. Weakly, and my voice was too quiet. I gulped back the sob and looked away. "I was cliff diving, not trying to kill myself... intentionally. Just absent mindedly."
Edward nodded, and I saw his smile. I froze then, shaking my head. He was pretending we were okay and we weren't. I raised my hands and took a few steps away from him. "I-I can't do this," I whispered. I put a shaking hand over my mouth and leaned back into a wall as the tears flooded my vision. "Edward, I just can't. I did what I came here to do. You're safe, and... I'm gonna go. I'll... Um... I'm sorry. I just..." I turned, but Edward stopped me with a hand on my arm. I pushed it off. "No. Leave me alone. Please. I'm not ready to do this. We both know what's going to happen, how this will end, so let's just leave it here. A happy ending, right? Isn't that how it's supposed to be? Us walking away in our separate directions, happy that the other is alive and only happy."
"You're not happy though," Edward said gently. "You're crying again."
I flinched away when he moved to wipe away my tears. "No. I'm not doing this anymore. You left and I... I can't move on." I meant move on from my love for Edward, and he didn't understand that. We were too awkward. It made me so angry. The anger swamped over me. I wanted to lash out, hurt Edward, but I already was hurting him. I wiped the tears away myself then, squaring my shoulders. I was out of trouble. Edward was safe. My anger started to settle in, grow. I glanced around the alley as Edward stood, a foot in front of me. And Alice was right there, two or three feet away, head bowed. I sighed. "I can't. I can't do this. Please just leave me alone." I turned and started back the way we'd come. I was scared again. It was like the monster was still there. Edward, my Edward hadn't returned at all. He'd appeared for a few minutes, but he was gone again. I wasn't ready to accept that Edward would leave me again, so I would leave him and I would never be hurt again. It was a move of desperation as I tried to flee from the man I loved so much, the man that had hurt me so badly. One thing I knew, more than anything else, love gave someone the power to break you. I wasn't going to give Edward that power ever again. It was a survival thing. A broken, destroyed body fighting to find that one way to run hard enough and fast enough to escape their hunter. Edward had broken me, and I couldn't let that happen again.
"Timmy, wait," Edward called, and I paused. He came up behind me. "Let me explain why I left."
"No!" I exclaimed, spinning to face him and ripping my arm out of his grasp in the process. "I know why you left. I found your stupid letter! You left it somewhere you knew I wouldn't find it soon if I found it at all. You were too much of a coward to tell me that to my face. So you left a note and left me there to pick up the pieces that you broke in the first place. You knew exactly what it would be like for me after you left, and you left anyway."
"I had to. You don't understand what--"
"No, you don't understand, Edward. You have somewhere to go. You can run away because your family lets you. You can cling to whatever you want to and you can run wherever because that's the life you've lived for so long. You learned to move on so easily. I didn't have anywhere to run. You knew what all those letters meant to me, and the letter you left was the same bullshit that you fed me for so long! It means absolutely nothing if you can't say it to my face. You left me to rot in hell and you didn't even tell me why."
"I thought it was a mistake."
"Yeah, you're damn right it was! Just not what you thought was the mistake." I shook my head. Why was I doing this? The tears fell again and I closed my eyes as they did. I had to do this. "You used to look at me like I was the only one around, like I was the only person in the world besides you. I gave my everything to you. I trusted you to always be honest with me! I gave you what I wouldn't give anyone else. It wasn't that you left. It's that you lied about it! If you would have explained the true reasons--"
"You would have begged me to stay until I did," Edward finished. "And then I would have killed you."
"No, you did kill me," I replied, and he met my eyes. "You killed every part of me when you left, and I can't... Please leave me alone." I turned on my heel and quickly started walking back towards the plaza. Out of my peripheral vision, I saw Edward was following and quickly stepped into the sunlight. That way, he couldn't reach out to grab me. He sighed, and muttered something under his breath. I thought it sounded like he was swearing, but he'd been mad before and I'd yet to hear him cuss. "I'm not going to pretend anymore, Edward. I'm not okay. I'm not happy. I'm not moving on. Loving you is killing me because I let myself fall in love. And I want those months to be enough, but they're not! I was given no warning. I never saw this coming. I can't believe you left me like that. You built me up and then you just tore me down like I was yours to destroy. It left me cold, out of breath, and... destroyed. I should have started running a long, long time ago." I laughed coldly, wiping the tears away. "Well, I'm running now. I'm not going to let you hurt me again."
I turned towards where the Volturi had been. Edward punched the wall, which made me jump. A loud crash that was so loud it hurt my ears, followed by a spray of pieces of brick falling to the ground. He cursed under his breath, fiercely. "Is she trying to kill herself for real?" he muttered, and I somehow knew he was turning to Alice in that small silence. "Does she have a hoodie in her bag?" A pause and I knew he was reading her mind--why did I have to know him so damn well? "...She always gets 'em like three sizes too big... Dammit!" I broke into sobs at the sound of his anger. It hurt to leave. I wondered if that was how Edward felt when he'd left me. But he didn't understand. This was all I could do. I couldn't let myself be vulnerable anymore. I covered my mouth and reached for my iPod, which was in my pocket. I stuffed the earphones in and turned it up so I couldn't hear Edward's voice anymore, but I missed it once the loud music blocked it. He was following feet away, hidden in the shadows. I shook my head defiantly. All I wanted to do was go back, run into him. No. I couldn't. I wouldn't.
I'd spent so long wanting Edward. Desperately begging for him. I had him for those few seconds. I couldn't let myself get my hopes up when they would only be destroyed again. I couldn't enjoy a few days with him with the knowledge that it would end. Wasn't it better if it just ended now? Wasn't that the best and easiest way? I turned down my music as I went to change it to one of my songs. One of the songs I'd written for Edward, even if I didn't have the words on my iPod. Just the music. I needed something to distract me. Anything. "Ma Vie, I love you. Please..." Edward was saying quietly, and I could hear him. I hated that I could hear him. It was like he knew exactly what to say. But I wasn't the Timberlee he knew. I'd molded myself into this new person. The new Timberlee was like the monster. She wouldn't go back or turn because of begging. Cold hearted and broken somehow.
I sighed deeply. Edward was there. I had to tell him how I felt. I glanced at him. He paused, meeting my eyes. I shook my head to tell him I hadn't changed his mind, but I slowly began to sing, so quietly that only he could hear, and the words came automatically--I knew this song so well. I had to make him understand! Then maybe... just maybe this would work somehow.
I'm not quite sure how to breathe without you here
I'm not quite sure if I'm ready to say goodbye to all we were
Be with me
Stay with me
Just for now
Let the time decide
When I won't need you
My hand searches for your hand
In a dark room
I can't find you
Help me
Are you looking for me?
Can I feel anymore?
Lie to me, I'm fading
I can't drop you
Tell me, I don't need you
My hand searches for your hand
In a dark room
I can't find you
Help me
Are you looking for me?
Etch this into my brain for me
Tell me, how it's supposed to be
Where everything will go
And how I'll be without you by my side
My hand searches for your hand
In a dark room
I can't find you
Help me
Are you looking for me?
My hand searches for your hand
In a dark room
I can't find you
Help me
Are you looking for me?
I paused with half my body in the shadows--I did that on purpose because I wanted him to hold me, pull me into his strong embrace to comfort me like my Edward would. I turned to him, sobbing. "Tell me when I won't hurt anymore," I whispered, and he pulled me into his arms. He breathed out a sigh of relief, but my anger wasn't gone. I shook my head once he released me. "I can't run from you, Edward. I want to protect myself so bad because I hate how much I hurt, but I need you too much." Edward stroked my hair and I gasped for air as I tried to swallow the sobs. The tears were so steady and they fell onto Edward's chest. He pushed my hair back over my shoulder. "Please, Edward. You always had the just right thing to say before. Why is it so empty now? Why do I have to be so desperate? Why can't I move on? What's wrong with me? Why do I need you so much?"
Edward let me pull back so I could look into his black eyes. "Nothing's wrong with you, Timmy. You just know that I was lying when I said I didn't love you. You're confused and exhausted. Please, let's go back. You need to lay down and we can talk later." He slowly pulled me back towards the alley, and Alice was waiting. With his arm around me and her hand in my mine, I found the strength to walk. I was walking by his side. But I was still running from the truth--Edward would leave again. None of this mattered. I could enjoy those few days, and then he would leave me. I would be alone again, as desperate as ever. I couldn't just live with the knowledge that he loved me. I needed reassurance because it was hard enough to believe that a vampire was real. It was almost impossible. I kept thinking that Edward was just a delusion in the first place, and that thought tortured me. I couldn't keep going. I was lost between the knowledge that Edward loved me and the panic I felt at the knowledge that he would leave again. If he was tempted after he'd just hunted, what would he be when his eyes were as dark as they were now? I couldn't lay down. I couldn't sleep. Because I was scared he would leave again if I did, leave in my sleep. I couldn't give this man my heart when he would only leave me again. And as hard as I tried, I couldn't even put up my wall because I knew I did love him. I was trapped.
We made it to the hotel safely. In the elevator, I pulled myself out of Edward's arms, even if my body tried to resist it. I wanted to be in his arms forever. Why was I running so hard? I nearly collapsed as soon as he let go of me, but I wouldn't let him catch me. Alice did instead. I couldn't trust him yet. I shook my head when he tried to steady me, even after Alice caught me, and he stopped. "You knew all along," I whispered. "That's why I'm so mad. You knew what this would do to me. Then you left, and you had Alice watching me the whole time! You knew about the nausea, and the motorcycle crap, and the threats to send me back to LA. And you knew about the car accident too!" I exclaimed accusingly, hating Edward. He knew about it and he never came to me.
"Motorcycles? The car accident?" Edward repeated quietly, glancing at Alice.
"Yes, when I drove my car into a tree going a hundred miles an hour!" I snapped, stepping out of the elevator quickly to prevent him grabbing my arm.
"On purpose?" Edward inquired, sounding furious.
I glared at him, mouth open in amazement. "You need to leave me alone, please," I whispered. "Get out."
"Timmy--"
"No, I'm serious! I can't do this right now." I snatched the room key out of Alice's hand and ran to my room, closing the door. Within seconds of me curling up on the bed, I heard Edward knocking on the door. I would know it anywhere. I only turned up my music so I couldn't hear him. But he was still waiting, listening for an answer. I finally had Edward back and I kept telling him to leave because I knew he wouldn't let me run anymore. I couldn't stop myself from firing back for some reason. The events of the past few days specifically were overwhelming me, and the exhaustion was even worse. I loved Edward with all my heart, but I couldn't take this yet. I had to wait until I'd sorted out my thoughts. Edward was waiting at my door, and I looked around the room. Romantic colors, the beautiful bed--one bed. Alice had expected Edward and I to be okay. But I was still too hurt. Edward couldn't take my pain, so I was taking it out on him. I hated that I was doing that. I had to release it somehow. I wanted to explain to Edward how I felt. I closed my eyes and began to hum softly. One of my songs. And the words came later, which I sung with the knowledge that they would hurt Edward. Why was I doing this?
I'm so tired of being here, suppressed by all my childish fears
And if you have to leave, I wish that you would just leave
Your presence still lingers here and it won't leave me alone
These wounds won't seem to heal, this pain is just too real
There's just too much that time cannot erase
When you cried, I'd wipe away all of your tears
When you'd scream, I'd fight away all of your fears
And I held your hand through all of these years
But you still have all of me
You used to captivate me by your resonating light
Now, I'm bound by the life you left behind
Your face it haunts my once pleasant dreams
Your voice it chased away all the sanity in me
These wounds won't seem to heal, this pain is just too real
There's just too much that time cannot erase
When you cried, I'd wipe away all of your tears
When you'd scream, I'd fight away all of your fears
And I held your hand through all of these years
But you still have all of me
I've tried so hard to tell myself that you're gone
But though you're still with me, I've been alone all along
There was another chorus, but I couldn't finish. I was so tired of all my childish fears, trying to avoid the pain of any wound when it was so often unavoidable. Edward had left me in late May. Then he kept appearing in my dreams, in hallucinations, memories there to haunt me at every turn. It was my promise to Edward. I would always be there for him, as long as I could. Whatever his fear was, whether it was killing me or something else, I would help him through it. I would do everything I could, anything. I was bound by this silent contract never to leave Forks because that was the life Edward left behind. I couldn't leave it! I tried so many times to tell myself that Edward wasn't coming back, and that was why I left my phone home that day. He was with me in so many ways through that month and a half when he was off wherever, but I'd been alone that whole time--completely without him.
I broke into sobs worse than ever. I couldn't sing anymore. I needed Edward. I needed him to hold me, to promise me everything would somehow be all right, even if he left again. I'd made him leave though. And I couldn't take it back. He was gone, wasn't he? It was the same question I'd been asking myself for so long. Too long.
I looked up when the door opened. It was Edward, and my sobs doubled. I couldn't help it. I jumped up and ran to him. He caught me easily, pulled me to his chest, and he held me. There was no doubt that he loved me. I knew he did. That question was answered. "I'll hold you until the hurt is gone," he whispered, rubbing my back. I sobbed into his chest, the way I always wanted to if I had to cry. He held me so tightly. My hands were the only things between us, placed on his chest. He held me until my sobs started to slow. Then he picked me up and carried me to the bed. I laid down and rolled over to meet his eyes when he came to sit beside me. I shook my head then. "I won't sleep," I told him quietly.
"Why?" he asked. Too casually. He didn't understand how serious I was.
I shook my head. "Um... Can you give me a second?" I whispered, and got out of bed. I went into the bathroom and closed the door. I leaned back against it, sobbing again. Why did he have to be like that? Why couldn't he just tell me if he was leaving or not? I spent what felt like only minutes crying, but when I woke up on the bathroom floor, I realized I'd cried myself to sleep. A knock on the bathroom door. Quiet voices. No footsteps. Vampires! I sat up. "She won't let me in," Edward muttered quietly. "She's been in there all night. At least she slept, but that's about the least of my worries right now."
Another knock. "Hey, Tim, it's Emmett," the familiar voice called quietly, not teasing me for once! Maybe I was psycho and imagining his voice. "Uh... We hate to break up your party or your bath or--"
"That's not helpful, Emmett!" Esme snapped.
"Sorry. Wanna open the door so I don't have to pick the lock?" Emmett asked.
I sniffed and rolled my eyes. "It's unlocked actually," I replied, standing slowly. I opened the door to see all the Cullens there. Emmett, Carlisle, Esme, Rosalie, Jasper, Alice, and Edward. I smiled weakly. "Sorry. I'm... Uh... Well, you can see for yourself," I finished awkwardly.
"Timberlee, I'm so, so sorry!" Rosalie exclaimed, and I could see she was serious.
"Save the apologies for someone who believes them," Edward muttered furiously.
"No. No. It's fine," I said quickly because I saw Rosalie felt really bad. "It was my fault. Really. I mean... Under the circumstances, it was... understandable. Really, it's fine."
Rosalie smiled at me. Emmett wasn't laughing. Carlisle took my arm and slowly led me to the nearest chair, forcing me to sit down. I realized how much I was shaking. It was visible for the human eye. I sighed, leaning back. Esme hurried forward then. "We owe you everything. Thank you so much for doing this. You don't know how worried we all were, so scared for Edward. He's like my own son," she said gently, placing her hand on mine.
I nodded. "No. Don't mention it. I wouldn't have come if I didn't want to."
"When did you last eat, Timberlee?" Carlisle asked.
I cringed in embarrassment. "Uh..." The single syllable was enough. He knew that I hadn't eaten. That explained some of the shaking. But it was so much deeper than hunger. It was this physical need for Edward that I'd been feeling for so long. Now he was so close, and I couldn't let him in. I had the entire Cullen family here. Alice, my best friend in the entire world. Emmett, my big brother. Jasper, who had once protected me. Rosalie was even being decent. Carlisle and Esme were like a second set of parents. I loved them all, even Rosalie! Most of all, I wanted to leap into Edward's arms, be in them forever. But forever was impossible for any human in my situation. These were vampires. I was human. Our definitions of forever were different. And Edward would only leave again. Why would that change after what had happened? Suicidal thoughts and actions weren't any reason to come back when he thought he almost killed me--I knew he was too strong for that. He couldn't understand my need for him. I wanted so badly to talk to Alice, to have her tell me what to do, how to do it, and so on. It would have been the way things were before he left. But it would never be like that again--Edward would leave me again.
"So what are you all doing here?" I asked quietly. Any conversation to end the silence.
"We were coming to see if we could make it in time to save Edward," Jasper replied in his bass voice. His eyes were golden brown. The lightest of everyone. He'd hunted most recently. I flinched because I hated how I noticed these things so easily. Not even thinking about it. I knew when not to jump on a vampire. I knew when to make slower movements and when not to get too close. "We didn't know if you would come," Rosalie said because no one else would. She was the honest one in that case, not as sensitive to my vulnerability. Or maybe she just didn't care. "We knew Alice was going to get you. We all headed here to see if we could make it in time or to see if Edward would slow down and think for a second if we could get a hold of him and telling him you were alive. If you hadn't come, we would have been too late."
I nodded. "Yeah, thanks for the reminder that I got us all into this," I muttered, and stood.
"I really am sorry, Timberlee. You don't know how horrible I feel."
"No. Stop apologizing and stop thanking me. I jumped off the cliff, remember?"
"You did jump off?" Emmett inquired. A big brother tone. Ugh! He wasn't making it any easier either.
I sighed loudly, and ducked my head when the tears came. "Yeah. I did. I guess it was a form of suicide, but that's not how I meant it. I was cliff diving, which was like another form of running for me," I explained. Seeing his confused look, I tried to smile and only mustered more tears. "Shit. Uh... Sorry. I jumped because I heard Edward in my mind. And I was trying to convince myself that he was gone. Whenever I got into a dangerous situation, like when I'd usually have the worst accident possible or come up with an accident that no one else could have, he used to talk to me," I whispered breathlessly. "I jumped because I wanted him to leave me alone, to just leave. I didn't want it to drag on anymore."
Carlisle glanced at Edward. "You should sleep, and I'll order you some room service," he told me gently.
I shook my head. "I can't eat," I replied coldly. "And I can't sleep either."
"Nightmares?" Emmett joked.
I looked up at him, a hand on the back of my neck. "Yeah. Nightmares. That's exactly what it is," I said, hoping I sounded sarcastic, even if it was true. I didn't need to torture Edward anymore. He'd been silent this whole time. He'd let me fall asleep on the bathroom floor, left me alone like I'd asked. I didn't understand why I couldn't decide. This was Edward Cullen! Better than Romeo and the one man I would always love, no matter what. Why couldn't I love him even more because I knew he was leaving to protect me? I sighed and took a step forward, steadying myself on Esme, who looked as worried as everyone, except Edward. He looked dead with worry. More pale than usual. "I guess I can try," I whispered, and Alice and Esme helped me to the bed. I curled up into a ball immediately, eyes on Edward. Everyone else filed out of the room; Edward paused, standing still and staring after them. He looked about ready to refuse to leave until I finished my tantrum and got back to myself. He sent one glance at me, then he nodded and left. Seconds later, I heard him talking quietly. Human volume. Human speed. He was really upset. He sounded horrible. Raspy and... miserable. He was too hurt to even make sure I couldn't hear. Maybe he thought I was too angry to listen in the first place. "She can't even decide what she wants," he was telling his family. I was glad they were so close. Maybe they could help him because I couldn't then. Helping myself had to come first in some situations.
"She's angry with me, and I can understand that. She's exhausted, dead on her feet. She can't figure out if she should trust me or not. I understand all of that. I just wish I knew what she was thinking when she looks at me so I could help her. I wish I could help her decide somehow, make it easier for her so..." He sighed loudly, and I heard the next bedroom door slam. He was in it, behind the closed door. The only way to get to him was to go through the main area.
I glanced at my backpack. It held the picture of us--the one he hadn't taken. I grabbed it quickly, feeling the need for Edward. But what was a picture when Edward was twenty feet away? I stared at it for moments. Yes, I could be hurt again. That was love. It was never given without a price. I'd given Edward my love before and he'd made the months we had the best I'd ever lived. I could do with a few more days like that, a chance to become ready and to say my final goodbyes if he would leave again. I sighed and jumped up, determined. My fear grew as I reached the door, grabbing the knob. I could imagine everyone staring at it, waiting for the door to open. So I would take the stares. I wouldn't hurt Edward anymore. I had to stop. I had to decide because this was torturing him.
I yanked to door open and I walked straight to the next door. I couldn't believe he'd slammed it before. I pushed it open without knocking, the tears flowing again. Edward was on the bed, eyes closed, hands behind his head. He looked stressed out, unable to relax. He paused for a long moment, then opened his eyes and looked at me. I couldn't smile. I was breathless again, about to breakdown because I felt such an urge for him. Need. Necessity. The shaking was worse again. "I've decided," I whispered, almost inaudible. "I can't live without you. I want to make the most of this." I waited out the seconds of silence that felt like minutes. Then Edward held out his hand as an invitation to join him on the bed and I ran to him. I jumped into his arms, not caring that my hair flew into his face or that I knocked the breath out of my body again. My breath would return and I could move my hair. This was Edward! My Edward! He was back. Even if he would leave again. This was my chance to be rid of the monster forever. If nothing else, I could get rid of the monster.
Edward pushed my hair out of my eyes after I flung it out of his face again. He stared into my eyes, wiping away the tears. He was questioning me because he didn't want to hurt me. He didn't want me to think I was stronger than I was. I could hear his thoughts almost. I knew this man so well! I smiled at him through the tears. "I knew what I wanted all along. But I'm human, remember? Hormones, sleep deprived brain, not to mention oxygen deprived from me holding my breath or losing it by jumping on you," I said, and managed a tiny laugh. "I've known all along. I don't want anything else. Only you. I want to make this last."
Edward smiled at me, kissing the tear streams. He moved to my lips then, caressing them with a restrained amount of strength. My giggle brought a huge laugh from Emmett in the next room, which ruined the moment. I buried my face in Edward's side in embarrassment and he rolled his eyes. I grabbed Edward's hand when he started to stand. "No. Let him," I told him quietly, and Edward settled down again. I rested my head on his chest.
This would be hard. Enjoying the few days we had before they ended. I would do it though. All of it. I would do whatever I had to do. I had to preserve these memories in my head forever. I curled up into Edward's side, wrapping my arms around him. The last thing I remembered was him kissing my head and whispering "Ma Vie" in my ear. Thoughtfully, and I wanted to know so badly what he was thinking because maybe he was wondering about the same things--could we be apart again? I fell asleep in his arms. No nightmare. No horrible dreams. No confusing dreams. Peace. It could have been a peace that never lasted. But I had to make the most of it. And I slept soundly, breathing in and out so easily now that Edward was there. Breathing in the air that smelled just like him, breathing in those moments that took my breath away, like when he kissed me. I saw how he closed his eyes. He wanted to put more passion into it, but that passion would crush me physically. He treated me like I was a porcelain doll. Fragile, and I was then. Both mentally and physically. But maybe, just maybe I would never be so wounded again, even if Edward left again. That question would be answered in the future, and I knew it. So I could sleep soundly that night. No fears. No worries. Just Edward. My Edward. With me. That was all I needed in that moment.
-------------------------------
A/N: First song in this chapter is "Need" by Hana Pestle. The second is "My Immortal" by Evanscence. I'm not sure if the lyrics are the same for both versions, but I used the band version if not.