Chapter Eighteen

I woke up slowly. I was amazed to see Edward there, watching me sleep. I frowned for a moment, trying to remember what the hell had happened. Oh, right! Cliff diving, then Italy. I closed my eyes in frustration and snapped my mouth shut suddenly. Even if I hadn't had anything to eat, my morning breath probably wasn't attractive to anyone. Vampire or human. And I was ninety percent sure I was dead anyway. Volturi, remember? Yeah. I was definitely dead. Why else would Edward be there? It was too good to be a dream, but also too good to be true. So I concluded that I'd died and gone to heaven. I liked that conclusion. Edward was there at least! "Shit," I mumbled, and Edward laughed.

"That's the warmest welcome I've ever had," he announced.

"No. I mean, if I'm dead, what happened to Alice and everyone?"

Edward sat up so he was leaning over me a bit. His hair was longer than I remembered... And his eyes were still just as black. I held my breath, wondering if vampires were still tempted in heaven. "You're not dead," he told me, and I was already shaking my head before he finished. "Why won't you believe me?"

I explained my theory and Edward laughed again. "You're crazy, but I love you for it. How do I put it so you believe me? You're not asleep. You're not dead. You're wide awake, staring at me like I'm some ghost. I'm here, and I love you. I have always loved you and I always will. I was thinking of you, seeing your face in my mind, every second that I was away. When I told you that I didn't love you, it was the very blackest kind of blasphemy." That proved I was alive and awake! Heaven wasn't supposed to be sad. That topic did make me sad because it reminded me Edward would soon leave. My face fell immediately, and my stomach lurched. I tried to push Edward off me in case my nausea got bad again. He wouldn't move. Maybe he thought I was asking him to leave again. He leaned in and kissed my lips, but I couldn't kiss him back. "What's wrong?" he whispered gently.

"I'm sorry. I just... It's hard to be happy when I know how this will end," I explained.

Edward frowned. "And how do you think this will end?" he inquired, just as gently, just more sad now.

"If you left before, and the fact that I managed to get through a month and a half without being attacked by vampires or dying, isn't that only encouraging you to leave again? Doesn't that prove that you were right to leave? Won't it just make you leave again?"

"You barely made it through it without being killed by other means that I could have prevented."

I shook my head doubtfully. "Not really. I mean, the car accident was... complicated. And the cliff diving thing could have come up another time. And it was in La Push, so you couldn't have stopped me." I was changing the subject, avoiding the answer I knew was coming--Edward would leave me again. I just didn't want to hear it confirmed. I chewed on my lip as he tried to kiss me again. It was like he knew he could silence me that way. I glared up at him, trying not to smile. It was hard! He did love me. I could see that. "So what were you doing while I was exploring extreme sports?" I asked casually.

"I'll explain some day," Edward replied. "By the way, I'm not leaving."

I stopped smiling and stared at him. I wondered if it was some kind of cruel joke. I closed my eyes for a moment, trying to remember how sincere Edward had looked before when he'd promised me things. He wiped the tears as they began to fall--this had to be a joke. It seemed to me like he had more reason to leave now than ever. Maybe I was missing something. "I'm not going anywhere, Timmy. You made me realize a few things before. I only left you in the first place because I wanted to give you a chance to have a normal, happy, human life. I could see what I was doing to you--keeping you constantly on the edge of danger, taking you away from the world you belonged in, risking your life every moment I was with you. I had to try. I had to do something, and it seemed like leaving was the only way. If I hadn't thought you would be better off, I could have never have made myself leave. I'm much too selfish. Only you could be more important than what I wanted... what I needed. What I want and need is to be with you, and I know I'll never be strong enough to leave again. I have too many excuses to stay. It seems you can't be safe, no matter how many miles I put between us."

I was shaking again, staring up into his black eyes. I shook my head once. "I'll never be better off without you," I whispered. I sighed. "Promise me you won't get really mad, okay?"

Edward nodded once, but he looked like he knew he would be angry, despite the promise.

"Before the car accident, I was at your house. I was stupid and I went there. I knew I'd been missing for however long, lost in the woods and too exhausted to move anyway, plus twenty other dumb reasons. I just thought maybe I could catch you before you left or something stupid like that. Your window was open. I wanted to jump out of it because I thought you might catch me. I ran because I didn't want to be suicidal or that careless. Then I was speeding down the road and being more careless than before, and... It was stupid. I just didn't know what else to do. It was like everything left, everything that mattered or gave meaning to life. The moon and the sun. Like... there was no difference between day and night--they were both so dark. Are you mad at me?"

Edward shook his head. "I think we've both had our turn with suicidal thoughts," he muttered, and I managed a smile. "Before you, my life was like a moonless night. Very dark, but there were stars--points of light and reason. And then you shot across my sky like a meteor. Suddenly everything was on fire. There was brilliancy, there was beauty. When you were gone, when the meteor had fallen over the horizon, everything went black. Nothing had changed, but my eyes were blinded by the light. I couldn't see the stars anymore. And there was no reason for anything. Can you ever understand that?"

"Your eyes will adjust," I whispered, wondering if Edward would ever get the urge to leave again. I wanted to believe him so badly. It was a need. I couldn't decide if it was right though.

"No. That's just it--they won't. They can't. I need you too." Edward paused because my stomach growled, and I grabbed his hand before he could jump up to leave. He sighed, rolling his eyes. "You can't stop me, ya know?" he said quietly, and I shrugged. It was true--I wasn't as strong as him. I had other methods of trying to prevent him from leaving though. "I'm only gonna be a few minutes, beautiful."

"Nope. Phone's by the bed. Use that one."

"Timmy, come on. I'll be back in two minutes."

I shook my head defiantly. "Nope."

Edward sighed. "Would you learn to take care of yourself for once before I lose you?" he muttered, and I only glared back. He rolled his eyes. "Fine. I'll put it this way. You're eating or I'm stuffing it down your throat. And I'm going to go order you the food, you're not going to argue about it, or I will have Carlisle get the needles out to put an IV in your arm."

I laughed, but Edward could hear the nervous edge in it--I hated needles. "Is that a threat?"

He nodded. "Of course, but you're welcome to put it into a term more polite if you wish."

"Just go! Two minutes or I'm not eating it," I yelled after him, throwing one of the pillows at the door. I rested my head on another pillow, counting down the seconds, ready to refuse if he was a second late. I closed my eyes in exhaustion, surprised that I was still tired. I'd slept so soundly with Edward there. He was like my guardian. He would always be there. I was so happy that he promised not to leave. And now that had settled in. I wanted nothing more than to stay up all night and talk to Edward, though I had no doubt he would demand I sleep more. He would claim we had the rest of time to talk. But we only had the rest of my life. And even if I lived to be a hundred, we would still have so much to cover!

Edward returned twenty-two seconds early. He smiled at me, jumping on the bed, which made me laugh. "Hope you're as hungry as you look," he said, laying down next to me so his head was rested on my hair. He pushed it around for a moment, then sighed, looking away. "Would apologizing help any?" he asked, sounding thoughtful.

I glanced at him. "Help you or me?"

"You," he answered, like it should have been obvious.

I shook my head. "No, it would make me feel worse actually. I wish you would never leave me again. Promise you won't ever leave me again, please. I have to hear it. Straight out, no fancy love stuff." I heard Emmett laugh in the other room. "Really simple."

Edward nodded. "I promise you, Timberlee Ember Stone, that I will never leave you, hurt you, or abandon you. I swear," he said, meeting my eyes. I could believe him now! I did believe him. He kissed my cheek. "I swear that I will love you for everything you are, treasure every part of you, preserve every twinkle in your eye, and I swear that I will punch Emmett if he doesn't shut up," he finished, and I laughed, burying my face in Edward's cheek. Emmett was still snickering outside. I could imagine him wiping away tears that weren't really there. He just did it for the dramatic effect, trying to get me to get really mad. And at that moment, I was too happy to give a damn that Emmett was listening into every word. And I knew the others were listening too. But they wouldn't tease me about it for years to come.

I smiled and sat up. "That's all I ever want," I told him. Edward was silent, holding me tighter. For some reason, he didn't seem to mind the scent of my blood anymore, even as he traced the veins in my wrist under the crescent from where his teeth had broken the skin as he sucked my blood clean of James' venom.

Alice brought me in the room service, and I wondered if there was a silent vote to who got to come in. It seemed like Esme would want to so Emmett wouldn't somehow get details and tease us about it forever. And I doubted Alice would give up without an argument. Carlisle wouldn't care. Rosalie probably wouldn't either. Jasper probably just wanted to keep his distance... Maybe there was som other reason Alice brought it in. I sat up, crossing my legs and saw Edward exchange a glance with his sister. Then she flashed a grin on her way out, excited, like she had some stupid, abnormally large and expensive gift just outside. I narrowed my eyes at Edward--he was in on it, whatever it was. "What was that about?" I asked, cutting the first meatball. He'd kept it simple--spaghetti, meatballs, Italian bread. I was glad. I wasn't in the mood for anything too fancy. He could still read me so well. "Some more secrets?" I pressed when he didn't immediately answer.

Edward went to sit across from me. "I don't mean to keep secrets. But it's a surprise," he replied, taking the knife to cut my meatballs--I was having trouble with him so beautiful and I couldn't stop staring. I would never adjust to that kind of beauty. He smiled at me. "If you want to know, I'll tell you. It'll ruin the surprise though, which I spent like three hours of last night working on."

"Really?" I pressed, suddenly excited. Okay, so it was Edward's surprise! Not Alice. I liked that a lot better. "Good or bad?" I asked after swallowing. "For me and my fear of gifts," I added before he could answer.

"I think you'll like it. Well, them actually."

"Then don't tell me."

Edward smiled, obviously pleased. Three hours of the night! Wow! It must be an extreme surprise. "Here," he said quietly and so suddenly that it made me jump a little. I hadn't expected him to say anything for a while. I thought he would demand that I eat until I felt sick, then force me to sleep, and then I could go to Carlisle and have him tell Edward that it wasn't a good idea for me to go to bed so soon after eating. Only I didn't know if there was any other health problems with that besides the possibility of gaining some weight, which Edward would like. So, maybe it was a counter-effective plan. But he handed me a silky cloth tied up with a black ribbon, and I wondered why he chose black or if he'd chosen it at all. It looked like there was nothing in it anyway. After I felt it for a minute, I knew there was something in it; I just couldn't guess what. Edward saw my confused look and shrugged. "It's yours. It's been bothering me. It never belonged to anyone else, so..."

I frowned and carefully began to untie the ribbon, watching Edward's face. I met his eyes for reassurance that time. He nodded once, no smile. He was nervous! I opened the cloth on my palm and looked down. "My ring!" I whispered, pulling it out of the cloth. "You found my ring. How? Where? When?"

Edward took it and put it on my finger carefully. "Took me six hours actually, so this isn't the surprise by the way," he admitted with a grin. He shrugged. "I expected you to find some way to convince me I'd made the worst mistake of my life--which it was. I wanted you to have it."

"What's so special about it? Some deep meaning you never told me about?"

Edward smiled. "Actually, yes. My father put his life savings in to buy it for my mother. Their second date ever. He gave it to her," Edward explained.

"So he knew right away that she was for him?" I inquired.

Edward nodded. "You're the only one who deserves it. And I could never give it to anyone else. Don't get mad at me for not telling you about the deep meanings though. I didn't want to press your already bad luck by telling you I gave you a dead person's ring," he explained.

I rolled my eyes because of the comment about my bad luck, though it was true. "Thanks. Thank you so much. For giving it to me, and for finding it," I said with a smile and squeezed his hand. It felt so right on my finger. That ring was meant to be on my hand. It amazed me that it fit perfectly. It made me want to cry out of happiness. Were it not for the fact that I was out of tears, I probably would have. "You don't know how much it means to me. It's impossible to explain."

He didn't reply. He pointed to my plate, which I had totally forgotten about. "Would you eat? You look like one of us!" he exclaimed, gesturing towards the door that connected my room and the main area. "You need to sleep too."

I smiled at the though. I could sleep soundly with Edward's arms around me. That would be even better than just his presence. I wanted to sleep for the first time in forever. Wanted to! I finished every bit of my food because I was starving and my stomach had finally settled. Edward took away the tray and returned to see me in a clean pair of cut off sweats and a t-shirt. He pulled me into his arms before I could even lay down. He started humming my lullaby, and I glanced at him. "All my letters, pictures, and stuff. Where'd you take them?" I asked. "Where'd you put them?"

"They were never gone actually," he corrected, forcing me to lie down. "They're under your floor board." He sat up, pushing me up with him. He touched the old burn mark on my leg from the motorcycle accident and I cringed. Cut off sweats was a bad idea! He would want an explanation for that... "What happened?"

"I burnt myself," I said honestly.

"So I can see. How? What'd you do--drop a skillet on your foot, have it bounce off somehow, then try and catch it with your leg?"

"Ha ha. Very funny," I muttered, but it was amusing how much that sounded like something that would happen to me for real! I leaned back so he could get a better look at the nasty burn on my leg. "I was riding motorcycles with Jake. I got another in Port Angeles. Jake was leading me somewhere. We were in this really thick forest, and I was going too fast. I knew that. Way too fast." I paused because I didn't want to tell him about my hallucinations anymore, but he would find out eventually. I would let it slip sometime. So I closed my eyes and sighed. "I heard you talking to me. I thought you were in the forest, or that thought had occurred to me. I knew how stupid it was. I kept trying to speed fast enough to see you, thinking maybe you were hiding there. Human reflexes, panic attacks, heart throb, mud, and a thick forest, plus me on a motorcycle is a sure recipe for disaster. I had to turn really fast to avoid hitting a tree head on. I turned too suddenly, and the bike fell over on me. Burnt my leg. Jake had to pull it off me." I shrugged. "I cleaned it up myself. No rare infections or anything, so that's a plus."

Edward nodded, but I could tell he was beating himself up again. He ran his fingers over the burn mark so lightly that it didn't hurt. His cold fingers felt good against the skin. He hugged me closely, giving no reply. I fell asleep in his arms, but that time, his presence didn't chase away the nightmares. I woke up with a scream, sweating, and Edward's arms knocked the breath out of me as I tried to sit up suddenly. That told me he was real. I groaned, closing my eyes. Alice, Carlisle, Esme, Emmett, and Jasper all came running. Not Rosalie at least... I covered my face, trying not to cry that time as I crumbled into Edward's arms. This was my Edward holding me. Why did the monster have to come back? I sighed. "Sorry. Nightmare," I told everyone, and Carlisle was the only one to remain by the door after that. He was probably debating whether or not to give me a sedative, and Edward shaking his head only made me suspect it more. I ran a hand through my hair. "Sorry. I thought the dreams would stop," I explained quietly, glancing at Edward to make sure he wasn't angry with himself. "Sorry. I hope I didn't--"

"Sorry? Why are you sorry?" Edward asked. "Why are you apologizing to me?"

"I forgave you already. I promised I wouldn't torture you anymore. I don't want to keep reminding either of us about it all," I told him softly, glancing at Carlisle, who sent me an encouraging smile. "I thought they would stop with you here. I'm more just mad that they're not stopping. It's just frustrating."

"You can't stop dreams," Edward replied gently with a small smile.

"I'm not trying to, Edward. I just thought they would stop on their own. They were always about me running after you or you not taking me with you. I did run after you, got a few bruises, and I have you. You promised not to leave. I guess it's just another stupid assumption that they would stop. I want to go back to how things were, forget about all this, and move on. Don't get mad at yourself or I swear I'll get mad at myself for having nightmares," I threatened.

Edward grinned. "Okay, okay! Go back to sleep, Ma Vie. I'll hold you tighter this time and see if that works."

I fell asleep so fast. It was peaceful then. Edward must have held me tighter because the monster was chased away. He was gone and Edward--my Edward--was back, so I was free to forget. My pain was gone. I could breathe again, even if it was hard sometimes when I looked at Edward. It was the easiest thing I'd ever done--breathing. I could have slept for two years if I wanted to. I wanted to wake up and see Edward every once in a while to make sure it wasn't a dream or heaven. Edward was always there when I woke up, staring at me or smiling at me. He always acknowledge me when I woke up. A smile, a wink, squeezing my waist, something that told me he was real. I knew it wasn't a dream by the third time, but I kept waking up. I slept soundly, waking and falling asleep until I was finally fully rested and unable to sleep anymore.

The next time I woke up, I opened my eyes right away. I smiled first because I could clearly smell Edward. I opened my eyes and saw them. My smile faded immediately. So this was the surprise! This was Edward's surprise, and I was certainly surprised. Shocked even. Amazed. No, that wasn't even the right word. I stared, blinking like an idiot because I couldn't decide if I was still dreaming or not. At the very least two hundred red roses. They covered my room. No thorns--that was one of the first things I noticed. Though I knew I would be able to cut myself anyway. A precaution he took the time to work out. No wonder it took three hours total! He must have had to call fifty different places. I knew exactly what he was trying to do--apologize. I rolled over to smack Edward, yell at him for being so sweet. I wasn't actually angry. Two hundred roses! Any girl would have been happy. I was happy, but most of it had to do with the fact that Edward was back. Only he would do something like that for me. Edward was gone. I found a simple bouquet of wild flowers tied up with the same black ribbon from before. A note under it. I smelled the wild flowers--I liked these better than roses. I preferred gifts that didn't cost money. And he'd taken the time to find them, decide which ones are most beautiful, and pick them for me, which was even more sweet than the three hours of the night on the phone ordering roses for me.

I sighed and opened the note. He left me a note! That was real romance, the kind that I liked. Roses just complicated things.

I went hunting. I'll be back before you can miss me.
Take care of my heart. I left it with you. No bruises allowed!

I smiled to myself and smelled the wild flowers again. Edward already had my forgiveness and he didn't need to apologize. It worried me that it seemed like he was trying to buy forgiveness when he already had it. I knew my nightmare didn't help his guilt either. I rolled out of bed to go take a bath--I would never be able to shower with Edward there. I laughed in awe, trying to decide if I should get mad or keep laughing. The bathtub was sprinkled with more rose peddles. The bags of new clothes told me Alice was somehow able to go shopping, despite our strict orders to stay out of sight for a few days. I wasn't sure who set up the candles--Alice or Edward. Maybe Esme. I was slightly suspicious the entire Cullen family was in on this. Minus Emmett who would have woken me up giggling like a girl who just discovered boys. I laughed at the metaphor because it was true! I found a small CD player on the counter. Next to it was a CD marked "To Timberlee" in Edward's writing. I put it on and hit play. My lullaby was first. After that was a song I hadn't heard before. I glanced at the piece of paper telling the titles to the songs. This one was blank. Cheater! But I smiled, so happy.

My bath was extra long because I knew Edward would need to hunt for quite a while. I'd never been so relaxed, except for the times I was in Edward's arms. I found a silk robe Alice had gotten and rolled my eyes. I swore I would never wear it. Not because I didn't like it--it was beautiful. I just felt way out of place when I put it on. Alice was crazy--it fit perfectly. I wondered if she'd been shopping before I jumped off the cliff. That conclusion seemed most likely with all the clothes I found. I changed into jeans and a simple black t-shirt, not wanting to offend Alice. They were from the huge stack of bags she left. I pulled back my hair while it was still wet, then I stepped out of the bathroom. Edward was on my bed with a huge grin on his face. I could tell he'd just arrived. I ran and jumped on the bed, returning his smile. "You shouldn't have," I told him, gesturing around the room at the roses. I was trying to sound annoyed, but I couldn't manage. He was too beautiful, and I could tell he was expecting to be backhanded or something extreme like that.

Edward touched my cheek, which made me smile again--I missed that so much! "I just want to dote on you for a while, beautiful," he explained quietly. "You looked so unhappy, and I know it was all my fault."

"No, Edward! No, it was my fault. I let myself become like that."

Edward sighed, not wanting to argue. He looked thoughtful then. Beautiful as ever. More beautiful even. Stunning. It took my breath away, and I had to remember how to suck in the needed air. He played with a bit of my hair, tugging on my ponytail a bit. Gentle, and his eyes were topaz again. That made me more comfortable. It didn't make me so scared that he would almost kill me if I moved too suddenly. He sighed. "Was the car accident intentional?" he asked. Straightforward, direct because he couldn't think of any other way.

I shrugged, not sure why I had expected that to be the topic. "I'm not sure to be honest. I was driving too fast on purpose because I wanted to get away, and I knew the danger. The road's all winding, and the trees are everywhere, but I'd never seen anyone else driving around there before. I wanted to get away and I swerved on purpose because I didn't want to be killers like my parents. I never tried to avoid the tree, but I slowed down before I hit it actually. There were skid marks. Crazy as it sounds, you saved me then too. I heard your voice in my head and something about that gave me the strength and determination to slow down before I killed myself. I did total my Acura though. I got a new truck though."

Edward nodded. "You were hurt?"

I listed my injuries, watching Edward's face as I spoke. It was always the same, worried expression that I couldn't seem to erase no matter how I joked or tried to shrug off the accident. He was concerned. I laid down, my head on his shoulder. "I'm fine now," I said quietly.

"No, you're not," Edward whispered. "You're... You don't trust me. I can see it in your eyes. It's like they're screaming out a warning as loud as they can. And you flinch sometimes. When I was pushing your hair out of your face last night, you flinched away from me. Like anything cold is just a reminder that I left, like it's associated with me."

I wanted to deny it, but Edward was convinced on at least parts of what he'd said. I sighed and cleared my throat. "I flinch because I'm not used to your skin right now," I told him patiently. That was the only way he would listen. If I started in an argumentative tone, he'd never believe me. How could I make him see? "It's hard to explain, but you could say I've been around humans and Jake too, who has this constant fever. Like he's burning up." And the other part... That was harder to reply to. "It's still hard," I admitted--honesty was best in that situation. "I want to trust you and I'm trying. Just my mind has this certain image and I can't get it out of my head. When you were gone, there were two Edwards. You--the one I love and the one that would never leave--and the monster. I could always sort the nightmares into those categories. Even when you were my Edward, it always hurt somehow. When you were the monster, it just destroyed me. Trust has always been hard for me. And it's not you. I just don't know what to do yet. I'm trying to figure everything out in my head. I'm trying. It's not you."

"I know you're trying, love! Don't misunderstand that. I just regret leaving. I never wanted to hurt you."

"You didn't. That was the monster," I replied quietly. "Don't waste time on the past anyway. You're here with me now. Isn't that enough? It makes it mean more that you're here after you left because there was that time when I thought you would never return. You came back to me, and that's all that matters. That's enough for me. Enough for forever."

Edward nodded. He breathed in the smell of my shampoo. "I missed you," he told me, and I looked up at him. I hugged him closer, refusing to ever let go. How could I? Especially because I knew there wasn't anyway to have him forever unless I became a vampire. I remembered that silent promise I'd made unconsciously: I wouldn't ask Edward to change me because he was back. That was enough. He wouldn't change his mind, even if I begged him. No need to waste time on that when we were together then. In that moment, his presence was enough. And maybe I would end up a vampire anyway.