They walked back down to the office in silence, both stopping just long enough to grab their stuff before heading for the elevator. Pam wanted to say something to continue the banter they had exchanged up on the roof, but came up blank. The elevator door opened and Jim reached out his arm and said

- After you.

- Thanks.

She turned around to push the button as he followed her. She looked straight ahead waiting for the doors to close.

- So whose car are we gonna take?

Jim broke the silence with a practical question. She felt relieved.

- Oh…it doesn't matter. We still have to come back for the other one, right?

She hadn't meant to put it out there as a question. Of course they would have to come back. They were definitely not going home together. She looked at him for a second and registered that the question had surprised him.

- Sure…yeah…yeah.

She could se him shifting a bit uncomfortably beside her as the elevator doors opened. She needed to rescue the situation and quickly said.

- How about you drive and then you can just take me back here afterwards?

- Yup.

Pam was beginning to understand how much of an effort this was going to take. There were so many things that needed to be addressed and right now those things were creating a mountain between them. She wanted so desperately to know what had happened in New York but she knew Jim needed time to open up. She had a feeling this night would be an emotional marathon.

They drove for a couple of minutes in silence. From time to time she looked over at him, a smile on her face. He was focused on the road. His hands casually holding the steering-wheel and again she felt an incredible surge of happiness. In under an hour her life had been turned completely upside down and her head was having trouble following her beaming heart. What had happened in the city? With the interview? With Karen? Had she come back with Jim? Where they still together?
No, they could not be. Jim had asked her on a date, right? His rooftop declaration had made her sure of that. They were definitely going on a date, a real date. Meaning Jim and Karen could not possibly still be together. Jim would never do that. She wondered where Karen was. Had Karen gotten the job? Was she still in New York? Was she hurting? Although she knew there was no way around it; she felt guilty that her sudden happiness would forever be linked to Karen's unhappiness. She looked over at Jim and wondered what he was thinking. Was he thinking about Karen too? She did not dare ask. Instead she figured she could ask about Jan.

- So is it really true that Jan was fired?

Her question seemed to snap him out of his thoughts and he looked over at her.

- Yeah, it really is true. Did you think I was just yanking your chain?

- Yanking my chain?

She started laughing. She had never heard him use that expression before and for some reason it amused her greatly.

-Hey, don't laugh. You don't like my cool new repertoire.

He pretended to be hurt and gave her a wounded look.

-Repertoire?

She laughed even harder. The laughter released some of the tension in her stomach and she was grateful for their ability to always make each other laugh.

- Stop it, or else I won't tell you about Jan.

- Okay, I promise. I'll be good. Tell me what happened.

- Okay. Well I wasn't there when it went down so I'm a bit fuzzy on the details but…

He hesitated, like he changed his mind about telling her or something. She looked at him waiting for him to continue. When he seemed to be lost in thoughts she said.

- You weren't there but..?

- Ehh….Karen was.

- Oh….

There it was. She shifted uncomfortably as she felt a twitch in her stomach.

- And what did she tell you?

He looked resolute as he stated.

- Just so we're clear. We're not together anymore.

-Oh…Okay.

He looked down at her with worried eyes.

- Well…I guess…ehh. I sort of figured. Seeing we're on a date right now.

-Yeah. Glad you remembered.

He winked at her and gave her one of his characteristic smiles.

- Anyway, I guess we can go through the details of that later. Here's what happened with Jan. According to Karen she came storming into Wallace's office right in the middle of her interview demanding to know why she was being let go. Apparently Michael had let the cat out of the bag. She was furious, yelling at Wallace to give her an explanation. Karen had been so chocked she had only registered parts of what he said, but he referred to her not showing interest in her job and only sitting around smoking in her office. And then something about online shopping and being in Scranton too much.

Jim shook his head at the insanity of it all and continued.

- I guess our first clue to her instability should have been her choice to date Michael Scott.

- You know what. I actually think Michael is the normal one of them.

- What? What makes so say that?

- Karen didn't tell you?

- No… although she did say something about not feeling sorry for Jan. What am I missing here?

- Well…. Do you remember that day Phyllis got flashed in the parking lot and Michael took the girls to the mall?

- Yeah…

- You see. Michael ended up telling us that Jan.. eh….used to videotape them having sex to improve his technique.

- She did what?? That's insane. You really should not reveal secrets about their sex-life while I'm driving. It could get us both seriously injured.

They both started laughing.

- Okay…I guess I shouldn't tell you what else she did then.

- There's more?

- Yeah, but I am afraid to tell you now. I don't want to end up in the hospital.

- Hehehe….I think I can handle it. I'm better prepared now. Bring it on Beesly. I'm ready!

- Well….she also used to show the tape to her therapist.

- Oh my God….now I actually feel sorry for the guy. Thanks for that.

- It's just crazy…

- Yeah….

They both shook their head at the image of Jan and her therapist.

- What a day huh?

- I know.

She looked over at him. His smile was still lingering at the corner of his mouth. She wanted so badly to reach across and touch his face, but she knew it was way too early for that. They did not speak for the rest of the drive. The silence was a bit more comfortable now.

Jim opened the door for her as they arrived at the restaurant. She suddenly realised she was way under dressed for a date. Jim looked so classy in his fancy new suit and she felt so homely compared to him. When the maitre d' smiled and welcomed them to Cuginis she turned to Jim and whispered.

- I should have changed before I came. I look so plain.

Jim looked down at her with a stubborn expression and said.

- You my friend is anything but plain.

She looked up at him, her head tilted, and in an unsteady voice she said.

- Thank you.

- That's the truth. Now what do you say we ask this gentleman if he has a table for two hungry souls.

- Absolutely.

The maitre d' took them to a table by one of the windows. It was small and intimate and she suddenly realised she was on a date. A real date. Not just a dinner between friends. This was romantic surroundings. Candlelight, music, vine and Jim. Other guests were scarce. She figured it was a bit too early. She liked the idea of not being one amongst a number of couples out on a date. It made her feel exclusive. It made them exclusive.
Jim held out her chair as she sat down. Inside her feelings were racing and she held her hands to stop them from shaking. The moment was almost too colossal for her. The day had gone from bad to worse, to absolutely dreadful before turning into..uhh…whatever it was this was..fantastic, scary, hopeful? It all felt a bit much; like she would need a break to prepare for the actual date ahead. She had been so giddy up on the roof suggesting they go out right away. It had not hit her yet. What they were about to do.
They were on the verge of mending their friendship while at the same time exploring something beyond. This could be the beginning of something that could shape the rest of their lives. Would he kiss her tonight? Her eyes lingered on his mouth. It brought back memories of the kiss in the office. How it felt like she died and started to live at the same time. It was the best and worst night of her life. Her old life ended that evening. She guiltily contemplated that Jim probably felt the same; but for completely different reasons.

- Hey there, what are you thinking about?

She looked into Jim's eyes, noticing his tense jaw.

- Oh…you know….the past.

His face seemed to tense up even more.

- Well…do you think you can take a break from that an answer our dear waiter if you want red or white wine?

He tried to make his voice sound casual and light, like he was joking, but she knew him too well. His feelings were written all over his face. He was not ready to revisit the past. She looked up at the waiter.

- I think I prefer white. Is that okay?

- Absolutely. A bottle of white wine then.

The waiter hurried off leaving them to their own. She looked at him and smiled. What could she do to make that tense jaw disappear?

- Hey, you never know what Dwight did today.

- What did he do?

- He made me secret Assistant to the Regional Manager.

- And I missed that. Damn.

Mission accomplished. His face loosened up into a smile as he encouraged her to go on.

- Well. Let's just say it didn't take Dwight long to figure out that Andy couldn't be trusted, so he turned to me.

- Awesome.

- I know. I can't believe you missed it.

- So what did he have you do?

- Not much really, other than trust me to help him out during his lecture.

- His lecture?

- Yeah. He proclaimed that he would use the meetings as a time to give us lectures. For our first lecture he dragged in a bunch of different soil types to thoroughly explain where paper came from.

- Awhhh….Dwight. I hope he enjoyed his hours in charge, because I don't think Michael is going anywhere anytime soon.

- Yeah, what happened with Michael?

- Well officially he withdrew from consideration after Jan was fired, but to me it sounded like David had already decided against him.

- Oh…Do you know why?

- Other than the simple fact that he is Michael?

- Hehe…I guess you're right. Shouldn't need a reason beyond that. So…uhh, how did your interview go? I haven't even asked if you got the job.

- I did actually.

- Ohh…

- Yeah, but I turned it down.

- You did? Why?

He looked at her like he was weighing his word. Trying to figure out what he should tell her. Sometimes she hated the fact that she new him so well. It made things complicated.

- It just wasn't me you know. Corporate life in the big city.

- Oh..

- Yeah, you know….I prefer the homeless look.

He waved a hand towards his hair and chuckled.

- Definitely a better look for you. I agree.

She knew she probably should not push him, but she was dying to know if he had received her message.

- So did you get my note?

She looked straight into his eyes and held his gaze. He did not answer right away, just kept looking into her eyes. It started to get a bit uncomfortable but she refused to look away. She needed to be courageous, courageous enough for both of them. He broke their eye contact looking down into his plate for a couple of seconds before he said.

- Yeah.

- I hope it wasn't too much?

- Too much?

- Well…I didn't mean…

She heard herself struggle to find the right words. She could see his eyes starting to flicker, starting to distrust himself.

- You didn't mean what?

- I didn't mean for it to mean anything.

Oh God…why did she have to say it like that? What was she doing? This was not how this conversation was supposed to go. His face had gone blank in disbelief.

- Oh… that's cool.

He looked positively heartbroken and she knew she would have to fix it.

- I'm sorry. I didn't mean that it didn't mean anything. Of course it meant something.

She looked up forcing herself to meet his eyes.

- It meant…

- Yeah..?

- A lot.

His face softened as he said.

- It did?

- I'm sorry. It's just…what I meant to say was that I didn't mean for it to unsettle you.

- Unsettle me?

- You know, get in the way, distract you from concentrating on your interview.

- Distract me?

- I mean, don't get me wrong. I am so happy you're here and that you're not moving to New York. I just hope you didn't give up on that job because…..

- Because ?

- Because of me.

- Oh.

His face dropped to the table and he looked hurt again. What was wrong with her? Why did she keep messing this up? Her heart started to race and she couldn't think clearly. She had hurt him again and all because she could not articulate what she really meant. As they both sat in silence not looking at each other, the waiter came back.

- Have you decided yet?

They both looked up.

- Not quite yet. We just need a couple of minutes.

Jim looked down into his menu and Pam thought it best to do the same. She decided she wanted pasta and skimmed the menu. Not able to focus she picked the first one of the list.

- Anything that's tempting?

She looked over at his menu as she said it.

- Hmm….yeah sure. Lot's to choose from. How about you?

- Pasta fettuccini with a side salad I thought

- Sounds good. Let's make that two.

He signalled for the waiter to come back and gave him both their orders. She took a sip of the wine and hoped it would calm her nerves. No such luck.
There was an apparent divide between them again. As soon as a laugh had been shared, a moment of connection restored, something happened to shatter it. Her words vibrated in the air between them.

"…give up on that job because of me…"
"..because of me…"
"…because of me…"

The words had taken on a life of their own; turning on her as soon as they left her mouth. The silence had become uncomfortable again. She felt stuck in a quagmire unable to wiggle free. Jim had focused his attention to life outside the window, watching en elderly couple exiting their car.

- Hmmm…..

Jim withdrew his eyes from the window and looked at her. His eyes searching her face.

- Hmmmm…?

- I just. I don't know….I didn't think it would be difficult.

Let it rip she thought. She had to address this awkward tension that had encircled them since they sat down.

- You didn't think what would be difficult?

- Us. Sitting here talking.

He continued looking at her. She was not able to read him. His expression was almost absent looking, but he could not possible not be there, not be listening, not understanding what she said. He had to be hanging on her every word, had he not? She felt a sharp prick of panic in her stomach. Did he regret taking her out? Was he realising that he'd made a terrible mistake? Her mind spun with a number of different horror scenarios. Was he thinking about how this was a mistake and if there was time to salvage things with Karen?
No. She thought. Stop it. You are just letting your fears get the better of you. Keep pushing it. Don't back down.

- I mean…this is just…

What was the word she was looking for? Why was her brain so slow all of a sudden? It was just…

- …overwhelming.

The absent look on his face disappeared and was replaced by one she could only describe as a bit tortured. She was not sure if that was better, but at least she had claimed a response.

- I know.

The sound of his voice made her want to cry again. It was raspy and so low that for a minute she was not sure he had said anything at all. She gathered enough courage to look into his eyes. She could se him swallowing and then breaking contact leaning over to take a sip of his wine. She looked down at her hands folded in her lap, a lump starting to form in her throat.

- Will you excuse me a minute? I need to use the bathroom.

- Sure.

He kept holding his glass of wine as she exited the table. She turned to look at him, from half way across the room, and saw him looking out the window again. She slipped into the ladies room. It was empty but for her. A tear started to run down her cheek and she wiped it away angrily. Why was she crying? She was here with Jim. A Jim that was alone again. A Jim that had asked her out on a date a little over an hour ago; this is what she had wanted. He was here. She could talk to him, but she kept messing up, kept saying all the wrong things. She starred at her face in the mirror; it had lost some of the happiness she had felt earlier. She had thought it would be easy as soon as they were together. She had thought that magic connection would reappear easily, but it had not. It kept coming and going at will. She understood that her past actions were what made it difficult for him to open up. She took one last look at herself in the mirror and decided that she had to keep trying. It was frightening and her hands kept trembling, but she had to do this. She walked resolutely back to their table; he was still looking out of the window, unaware her approach.

- Hi, seeing anything interesting out there?

She tried to keep her voice light and warm as she sat down. He looked over at her smiling.

- Nah, I was just thinking.

- Oh….anything you want to share?

- Emus.

- Emus?

- You know, the bird.

- You were thinking about a bird?

- Yeah.

Was he just joking?

- Why?

- Oh…I don't know. It just dawned on me that it's almost a year since I left for Australia.

- And that got you thinking about birds?

- Yeah. I know it sounds weird.

- Elaborate.

- You see….I had been in Sydney a couple of days, mostly just walking around on a whim doing nothing, when I stumbled across this little place that arranged for tourists to go different places outside of the city.

Pam thought about Jim walking around in Sydney alone and she felt guilty.

- Anyway… I just needed to do something, anything, so I signed up for the cheapest tour they had. A visit to an Emu-farm.

- Wow.

- Hehe…I know right, but to me it seemed like a good idea.

- Ahh….and was it?

- Apart from the fact that I was on a bus with emu-enthusiasts for the better part of two hours, then yes.

- Really?

- Yeah, I made an emu friend.

- You became friends with a bird?

- Yeah.

Pam still was not sure if he was just pulling a prank on her. He seemed like he was serious though. She had never really thought about Jim in Australia; up until now she was not even sure he had gone. She remembered he had told her about the plane ticket and how he would miss her wedding. IT had crossed her mind a couple of times after she called of her wedding, but seeing she never contacted him, it was just one more thing about him that she was no longer privy too.

- Okey, this I got to hear.

- I don't know if you know this about me, but I'm sort of afraid of birds.

- You are? Why?

- Don't laugh, but when I was seven my grandmother took me to a park and gave me a bag full of breadcrumbs to feed to the birds. What she forgot to inform me was how I should feed them, you know, throwing a couple of crumbs at the time. So I was standing all alone in the middle of the park surrounded by trees, my grandmother sitting at a bench watching me.

He looked up at her shaking her head while laughing.

- I kept looking for the birds but I couldn't see anyone, so I thought I'd just empty the bag of breadcrumbs at my feet. So I did.

- Oh no….I think I know what happened…hehe

- Well if you think that a million birds suddenly lifted from the trees and come flying at me, you are right.

- Hehehe…..I'm sorry. That must have been so scary.

Pam could not help it. She tried to be emphatic but the thought of little Jim with a pile of breadcrumbs at his feet was too much, she burst out laughing.

- Hey, I said don't laugh. It's not funny.

- Hehehehehe…I'm sorry, I'm sorry…..

Now tears were rolling down her face and she had to hold her stomach because it started to hurt.

- Anyway….that's the reason why I'm afraid of birds. And by the way, it's not nice to laugh at people's phobias.

- Hehe…I'm sorry. I'll stop.

Another wave of laughter did her in as she caught a supposedly hurt look on his face. He tried to look offended.

- Done yet?

- Yes, yes I promise. I am so sorry for poor little Jim, that must have been awful.

- Yeah, it was.

She composed herself and reached over to give his hand a few strokes. He did not respond, just kept his hand laying there.

- So with all that bird trauma behind you, how come you made a friend?

- Well….that's a long story.

- I have time.

- Okey. I don't know how much you know about emus?

- That would be nothing.

- Okey, well in May and June they mate. They actually hook up with a partner in December and they stay together for five months before they mate.

- Ahh…that's so sweet.

- Wait, I haven't finished yet…

- Oh..

- Well after they mate the man emu incubate the eggs; he only stands in order to turn them around. He does not eat, drink or defecate for the next eight weeks.

- Is that even possible? Wouldn't he die of starvation?

- Nah…he survives on stored body-fat and on any morning dew that he can reach from the nest.

- Wow.

- Yeah, I know. Have to respect that right?

- And you met one of those emus at the farm?

- Yup.

- Where was the mummy emu when he was doing all this nesting?

- She had left. Gone of with some other emu guy and started to mate with him.

- Oh….

The conversation suddenly revolved around a lot more than bird mating.

- I am sorry.

- Nah…don't be. Not your fault she left. Apparently it's quite common.

- Still….I wish she hadn't.

- Yeah.

- So, you became friends with this emu?

- Yeah I did. I went over to him and we talked.

- What did you talk about?

- Oh...you know, guy things.

- That's sweet.

He looked at her, his eyebrows raised.

- Are you mocking me Beesly?

- No, I'm not. I'm quite serious.

He did not get to question her further because their food arrived. Pam had forgotten how hungry she was and the smell of pasta made her mouth moist. She grabbed her fork and started to eat, a bit thankful for the distraction.

- Easy there Beesly, we don't want you chocking on your food.

- Hehe…I'm sorry. I'm just really hungry.

- So it would seem. I hope you like it.

- Yes. It is delish.

- Delish?

- Short for delicious.

- Ah, I see.

They sat a couple of minutes in silence, both concentrating on their food. Pam took a couple more sips of the wine, and slowly began to feel warm inside.

- Hmm…this was really good.

- Yup, good choice.

- I aim to please.

They continued eating mostly in silence. They shared a comment here and there, a refill of the wineglasses and an assurance to the waiter that the food was to their pleasing. Pam looked over at him from time to time and sometimes caught him looking at her. She smiled at him and he smiled back.

- So Emu-friends aside, how was Australia?

- It was great. It was awful. A mix of everything really.

- What was great about it?

- Hmm….being away I think. When I left I had just moved from Scranton and I kept feeling like an alien, an outsider. You know that feeling you can get; when you're suddenly caught feeling foreign in a place, even a familiar place. When you look around and think that you shouldn't be there, that you don't fit in?

- Yes.

- Well by the time I arrived in Australia I had become quite familiar with that feeling.

- Oh..

- Yeah...but you know what, that turned out to be of comfort as soon as I arrived in Sydney.

- How so?

- Well, I guess you're supposed to feel like a foreigner when you travel to the other side of the world, so somehow there was comfort in that. Like what I was feeling in Australia was normal, I was normal. I don't know. It's hard to explain.

- I think I understand.

- Yeah.

- So….

- Soooo?

- So…what was awful about it?

Pam could see his face grow darker.

- Apart from the aimless walking?

- Yes.

- You know, being there alone and all.

- I'm sorry.

- Don't be. It was my choice and I don't regret it.

- I'm glad.

- I wish you could have been there though.

- I wish that too.

He looked at her, the tension disappearing little by little. The wine had calmed her nerves a bit and she was no longer afraid that her hands would tremble as she put one of hers above his. He did not move.

- I'm sorry I wasn't there. I would have liked to be.

He turned his hand around and intertwined his fingers with hers.

- Thank you.

- For what?

- For saying that.

- It's the truth. I would have really liked to go to Australia with you.

She took another sip of her wine, her hand still in his. She looked into his eyes, scanning them for emotions. It had become harder to read him, but she thought she could see a streak of contentment. As the waiter came back to ask if they wanted desert, he let go of her hand.

- So what do you say? Are you ready for some desert?

- I think I saw some tiramisu earlier. That would be heaven.

The waiter smiled and took a note of it.

- How about you sir?

- I'll have the chocolate cake please.

- Very well, I will be right back with your deserts.

- Thank you.

- Thanks.

She looked at him and could not help but tease.

- Chocolate cake huh? I guess you didn't pick up any exotic new desert habits down under.

- Hey….I happened to like chocolate cake.

- Hehe…I'm just teasing you.

- Okay.

Their deserts arrived quickly and they ate while joking about each other's desert preferences. Pam had only eaten half way through her cake when she realised she couldn't possible eat another bite. She put her desert fork down and rubbed her stomach signalling that she had had too much.

- What's wrong Beesly. You're not gonna finish your fancy Italian cake?

- I don't think I can eat another crumb tonight.

- Maybe we should take it to the park, feed the birds. See if we can't find a bird friend for you too.

- Hehehe….I don't think so.

- I guess you don't need any more friends. My mistake.

He tried to sound offended again but he wasn't even close. His voice a lot bubblier than it had been earlier in the evening. Pam was grateful that the date seemed to be moving in the right direction, although they hadn't really talked about anything too massive yet.

- Dork

The tone had become light and Pam relaxed. Then suddenly the mood shifted, for God knows what time that night, as he said.

- I'm so happy to be here with you.

His face was serious as he looked at her. The sudden change in his voice left her heart racing again.