They'd gone to Alfredo's to pick up a pepperoni pizza. As they sat on Pam's couch devouring it, watching television, and drinking beer she almost forgot about Karen. Jim was more relaxed, but he had been very quiet. Pam carried much of the conversation.
- I think I'll put away the rest of the pizza, if you're full?
- Yes, thank you.
- Do you want another beer?
- Sure. Tell you what. You put away the pizza and I'll grab us some beers.
Pam took the pizza box and walked into her tiny kitchen. She put away the rest of the pizza and placed their plates in the sink.
- So this is the kitchen you were bragging about?
- Yes. Isn't it lovely?
- Still don't understand how you can cook in here? How old is that stove?
- Shut up. It was here when I moved in.
- Is that supposed to be an excuse?
- Give it a rest Halpert. Contrary to what you might believe I don't make a heap of money behind that reception desk.
- You don't? I was convinced you made at least six figures a year.
- Yes, that's right. I only live here because I like the charming atmosphere. That, and I'm saving up for a castle.
- Wow, a castle huh? One or two towers?
- Definitely two.
- I'm looking forward to being invited to dinner.
- Hehe….play you're cards right and I might let you live in one of the towers.
- That would be great.
- You can be my little court jester.
- Do I have to wear the pointy shoes and the colourful costume?
- Oh Yeah. Definitely.
Pam loved how the tone had stayed light throughout the evening. They were having so much fun together; rekindling their friendship. She had forgotten how much fun it was to laugh with him. She remembered how she once had told her mother about a day at work. She'd been sick and tired of her job and her mood had been sulky all day. Jim had noticed. He spent the entire day moving Dwight's bobblehead's around his desk, until Dwight finally noticed. He had gotten Pam to help him convince Dwight that the "heads" had come alive, formed an alliance and now plotted to kill him. Pam never thought she would stop laughing when Dwight tied them all up to his monitor. Hours later, home alone, she was still laughing when she told her mother about it. When her own laughter eventually subsided she noticed that her mother hadn't said anything. Pam had asked if she was still there, and her mother had confirmed that she was. When Pam had asked her why she hadn't said anything, her mother had said in a warm and loving voice "I'm glad he makes you laugh". She had thought little of it at the time, but later she came to realise that her mother knew the truth long before she did herself. Jim snuck into their conversations a lot. When she called her mother, after Jim's confession, her mother hadn't even seemed that surprised.
When she returned to the living room, Jim was flipping through her CD's. She didn't really have that many. Roy had bought most of the music and the CD's had stayed with him when she left.
- "Moods of the Tibetan mountain-side"?
Jim held up a CD and looked at her with a cute smile.
- Yeah, it's surprisingly calming. I usually listen to it when I paint.
- You do? And what do you paint. Tibetan monks?
- Hehe….keep laughing, but it works. I've completed two whole paintings this weekend.
- Really? Can I see them?
- Sure.
She opened the big chest that also served as a coffee table and pulled out two pictures. She handed them to him.
- Wow, these are really good. Is that the big three in the park just outside?
- Yep. Spent most of Friday night on a park bench drawing it.
- It's really good Pam. You can almost feel the wind ruffling the treetop. Wow. It's…wow. You're really talented. I hope you know that.
- Thank you.
She could feel herself beginning to blush. She wasn't good at receiving praise. Praise from him was almost overwhelming. She'd been truly hurt when he hadn't come to her art show. Looking at him now, awe in his eyes as he inspected her picture, she forgave him. His eyes caught the second picture and her heart began to race a little.
- Oh my god. Is this…?
- Our first date.
- Wow.
- Glad you liked it.
It was a simple aquarelle painting. Two hands that intertwined over a table; a bottle of white wine, two empty plates and a candle.
- I don't even know what to say Pam. This is the most beautiful thing I've ever seen, and I'm tempted to steal it away from you.
- Hehehe…you don't have to. I want you to have it.
- Seriously?
- Yes.
- I can't take this. It's too much.
- I want you to have it Jim. I mean it.
- God….
He turned to her as he shook his head in disbelief.
- This is the best thing anyone's ever done for me.
His voice was a little shaky and she could hear that her gesture had really moved him.
- You're welcome Jim. I'm so happy that you like it.
- Like it? I love it. It's amazing Pam. Thank you.
He turned to her and hugged her. She gave his hand an extra squeeze as he let go of her. She stood watching him, watching her picture. She thought it was the most beautiful image she had ever beheld. A couple of minutes went by before Jim carefully put the pictures down on the chest. They sat down and clanked their beer bottles together.
- To a lovely evening and a talented artist.
- Thank you.
Pam turned her attention to the TV and figured she should turn it off. She found the remote and clicked the red power button. Then she turned to Jim. The painting had set in vibration a lot of emotions and Pam could feel it was time. This wasn't just games and play, and them being together as friends anymore. The painting had brought what they both felt for each other to the forefront of their consciousness. She could feel and trust it. It was real. It was time to address some of the skeletons in their closet.
- I think it's time we talked.
She could see Jim flinching in his seat. He obviously didn't want to have this conversation, but she knew they had to.
- Oh..kay.
- So do you want to tell me about New York?
- Oh..kay.
She leaned forward to indicate that he should begin.
- Well…we went down there on Wednesday night.
- Yeah?
- Are you sure you want to hear about this?
- I think I have to Jim. And I think you have to tell me, to put it all behind you.
- Yeah….I know you're right. It's just….I don't know. Weird or something. To talk about her with you.
- I understand that. It's a bit weird to hear you talking about her. But if we're going to start with any kind of clean slate here...well, then we must talk.
- Yeah…I know.
- So?
- Well….like I said. We went down there on Wednesday and spent the evening out in the city.
- How was it?
- I don't want to lie to you Pam.
- Then don't. Just tell me the truth. You're here now. I can handle it.
- Okay. It was fun. We had a good evening, and I could truly see myself living there.
Pam felt her throat start to thicken, and she swallowed to keep the urge to cry away. He didn't notice that she shifted on the couch. He seemed lost in his own reflections.
- Okay.
- Yeah. I know huh. I was pretty close to making a big mistake.
Jim shook his head like he was thinking about another man, in another life time.
- What happened to change your mind?
- Oh…I don't know. Many things I guess.
- Tell me Jim.
- Well….I guess I was a bit startled when Karen told me she would move to New York if I got the job.
- She said she would move with you?
- Yeah. She also wanted me to move with her if she got the job.
- And?
- Well, I don't know. Our relationship suddenly became real to me.
- What do you mean?
- I…Up until that point. It hadn't been too serious you know. But you don't move with someone unless you're serious about them. So…you know, it forced me to really think about it. Really consider a future with her.
- You hadn't done that before you went to New York? You'd already been together for quite some time.
- Yeah, I know. This will make me sound like a jackass, but I guess I just took it one day at the time, just having fun in the moment. Or…ehh….not fun, I didn't mean….you know.
- I'm not sure I do.
- I didn't mean that I was just with her to kill time, I liked and respected her. We had fun together. I still like and respect her. She's a good person.
- Ohh. I see.
- I'm sorry Pam. I'm still not sure we should be talking about his.
- We should. Don't worry about it.
- Well….the trip to New York sort of brought the relationship to the forefront of my world, and I had to examine it. So I did. I sat in the Dunder Mifflin waiting area before my interview, pretending to read a magazine, while all I could think about was how Karen probably wasn't the right woman for me.
- Where was Karen?
- She was there. We waited together. Michael was there too, but he was called in first.
- Okay.
- When Karen finished her interview she went to meet some friends for lunch. The interview went really well. I knew I had the job half way through it. Something that should have made me happy, but it only left me feeling desperate that I would actually have to move to New York and start a new life there. I just wasn't ready for it.
- I'm sorry.
- Don't be. I don't regret turning it down. Not at all.
- I'm glad to hear you say that. Because I wouldn't have wanted you to turn it down if it was something you really wanted.
- Pam, the one thing I really wanted wasn't in New York.
- Oh..
- So I turned it down.
- So you realised you didn't want it during your interview?
- Yeah.
- How come?
- I got your note.
He looked into her eyes, waiting for her reaction. She didn't bother hiding it. A huge smile broke.
- God Pam….
- What?
- I've missed that smile.
- You have?
- Yeah. It's probably the most gorgeous smile in the world.
- Hehe….stop it. You'll make me blush.
- I hope I do. You're so cute when you blush.
- Hehe…okay Halpert. That's enough. Let's focus our attention back to New York.
- Awhhh….do we have to?
- Hehe…yup, we do. So you got my note and then what?
- And then…Well, let's just say it became impossible to fight what I knew I had to do.
- That being?
- Go back to the life I actually wanted, in Scranton, ehh….With you.
All of a sudden an urge to be close to him overtook her and she leapt forward, throwing her arms around him and resting her face on his shoulder. He seemed surprised at first, but then he put his arms around her and held her tight. He quietly whispered in her ear.
- Hey there….
- Yeah
- I'm so glad I did.
- Did what?
- Come home to Scranton, silly.
- I'm so glad you did too. You have no idea.
They stayed in each other arms for a while. Pam could feel Jim caressing her back. She had always dreamt of having those hands touch her that way. An excited rush went through her spine. For a split second she couldn't help but wonder how those hands would feel against her bare skin. She felt herself blushing and prayed it would subside shortly. Jim had started to twirl his hands in her hair and she knew she would have to break away not to lose herself completely in the moment. She leaned back and released her grip. As she did, she could feel him do the same. She situated herself a bit further back, as to prevent herself from touching him. A few moments later she met his eyes.
- So you decided to come back, and then what did you do?
- Well, I knew I had to find Karen.
- How did you feel about that?
- About what?
- Having to break it off with her?
- You know what. It's strange. Because as soon as I knew I had to go back I was almost too resolute in my quest.
- What do you mean?
- All I could think about was getting to Karen so that I could leave New York and go home. So I called her and we agreed to meet a few blocks from the Dunder Mifflin headquarter. She had been out with her friends, eating lunch or something. I stood waiting for her for ten minutes and I became more and more impatient and anxious to leave. When she finally arrived she seemed so happy, almost skipping along the sidewalk. I've never seen her skip anywhere. I remember thinking that maybe she wouldn't take it so hard because she was so happy.
Jim had been looking down the entire time he told the story, but as he said the last thing he looked up and into her eyes. He started to shake his head at the expression on Pam's face.
- I know huh. I was stupid. I've been stupid for a long time. Refusing to see her, see what she felt.
As he talked Pam noticed how his voice had grown darker and guilty. She felt she was about to have a revisit from stairwell Jim. She hated to see him like this. She understood the guilt of breaking someone's heart. She'd done it twice in under a month. She would have done anything to spare him from what he was going through. She knew too well what it was like to refuse to see someone, and she worried that Jim knew too well what it was like to be on the receiving end. That had to make his guilt deeper.
- We make mistakes.
Her words had been uttered as an unconscious comment on her reflections, but she could see how Jim's shoulders relaxed a little bit. He looked at her, so much sadness and regret in his voice.
- We do.
In that moment they communicated just by looking at each other, acknowledging how many mistakes had been made in the past. There was no accusation on either part, just a resigned feeling of having been so stupid and having lost so much time. Then she could see Jim drifting away, returning his focus to New York.
- She instantly knew that something was wrong. I guess it was written all over my face. We sat down by a fountain and she started to ask me about the interview. I don't think she had any idea that I was going to end things.
- Oh…I'm sorry.
- Well…you know. It is what it is. Anyway. I told her the interview had gone well but that I wasn't interested in the job anymore.
- What did she say?
- I think she was too surprised to say anything; she just continued staring at me.
- I see.
- So…oh God. I just told her.
Pam could see Jim's hurt and regret emerging. His face was agonizing to watch.
- What did you say?
- I told her I couldn't be with her anymore, that we were all wrong for each other.
- Ohh…
- And then she started crying. I said I was sorry a couple of times. I was so stupid, so pre-occupied. I even kept looking at my watch, thinking that I should be leaving in order to get back to Scranton. The third time I did it, she caught me.
- Oh…Jim.
- I know. I feel really bad about it, because it sort of slammed all the doors open. And I don't know…I just didn't want to have that conversation again. So I just said "Look, I have to go. I'm sorry". When I said it, she stopped crying for a moment and looked at me like I was an alien or something. Someone she didn't recognize. Like I said, I was so impatient and I wanted to leave, so I left.
- Oh...Jim.
Now she understood why Karen had been so furious. Jim was right. She had every reason to be. Pam couldn't help but feel sorry for her. Karen had never asked to be placed in the middle of this, and she knew Jim would feel guilty about it for quite some time to come.
- I know. It was a terrible thing to do. There's no excuse. I should have stayed with her, made sure she was okay. I don't know. I just couldn't. We've had so many conversations about us, and you…and I don't know. I just couldn't have another one.
- You've had conversations about me?
- Yeah. Lots of them.
- How come?
- Oh…that's a long story.
- I've got time.
- Well, I guess the first time it came up was after we all went out on sales calls and Phyllis said something to Karen.
- Oh my God. What could Phyllis have said? How did she even know anything?
- Hehe…..I think Phyllis knew about us before even you and I did.
- Wow...really...okay. So what did she tell Karen?
- I don't know exactly what she said, but she mentioned that I had feelings for you.
- And how did Karen react to that?
- Not that bad at first. I think she felt it was a bit uncomfortable, but I assured her that I didn't have those feelings anymore.
- Oh…
- I lied.
Pam just smiled and relaxed her tense shoulders.
- I assume it became worse later then?
- Yeah. After we pulled that prank on Andy; do you remember?
- Yeah, of course.
- Well, she asked me point blank if I still had feelings for you.
- She did?
- Yeah.
- And what did you say.
- I said yes.
- Wow.
- So that more or less spiralled into an unparalleled number of nights of talk. I didn't sleep for a week.
- I remember that. God, I had no idea I was the cause of that.
- Yeah…you more or less robbed me of my beauty sleep.
- Hehe….sorry.
- This time I just knew that we could sit on that fountain the rest of the summer talking and it still wouldn't change a thing, so I left her.
- I understand.
- You do?
- Well, not that you left in quite such a hurry, but I understand the reason. I guess I understand why she was angry today too.
- Yeah. I should probably talk to her.
- Do you want to?
- I don't know. I guess I don't have anything left to say.
- Then maybe you should just let it be. I think she probably said what she had to say today.
- Hehe…suppose so. I guess the entire office know what SHE had to say. But hey….I deserved it. I don't know. I've been guilty for a long time. Somehow it's easier when she yells at me. I prefer that to tears.
- That I understand.
Jim didn't say anything for a couple of minutes, and Pam wondered if he had said what he intended to say on the issue.
- So….How do you feel about it now?
- What do you mean?
- I mean. How do you feel right now? About what happened today.
- Well…I feel a bit embarrassed I guess.
- How so?
- Well, that you had to witness that whole mess. You and the entire office.
- Oh…I wouldn't worry about it. Tomorrow Michael will do something to make them forget about you.
- Hehe….you're probably right. But I am sorry you had to witness that.
- Oh…don't worry about it Jim. I left when she started to yell.
- Oh…okay. Good. I guess.
- And I feel guilty.
- Yeah. I know.
- I don't like that she's hurting because of me.
- Me neither.
- When will that guilt go away?
- I don't know Jim. Part of it will probably always be there. But it'll get better. I promise.
She looked at him, sitting there on her couch, fiddling with his beer bottle. She still couldn't quite believe he was actually there; telling her in no uncertain terms that his relationship with Karen had been wrong and that he still had feelings for her. She'd always wondered about their relationship, seeing that Jim wasn't too happy, but she felt that it all changed after Phyllis' wedding. They seemed so happy together when they were at the beach. Maybe that's why she felt driven to speak up. Somewhere inside she had known that he was really moving on. It scared her to realise how close she'd come to losing him; all because she couldn't be honest. Looking at him now she felt the need to apologize.
- Listen Jim.
His eyes moved up and to her. He stopped fiddling with his beer bottle.
- I want to apologize.
- You do?
- Yes.
- You don't have to.
- I think I do.
Pam felt her heart start to race again. This was it. She was going to go back there. Back to that awful and wonderful night last spring. She looked at him. He looked nervous too. Was it too soon?
- I'm sorry about Roy.
- What do you mean?
- That I went back to him.
- Oh....
- Yeah. It was a stupid mistake.
- Why did you then?
- A momentary lapse in judgement.
- I have to admit I was surprised.
- Yeah….I was surprised too.
She thought about how she'd gone home with Roy. How Roy had been so attentive and sweet. He could be really sweet when he wanted too. At home they sat at the kitchen table drinking hot chocolate and talking, and for a few moments she had been able to put the image of Karen and Jim out of her head. After they'd had sex Roy had drifted off to sleep at once. She had turned her back to him and let the tears flow. An hour of Roy's steady snoring had gone by before she had been able to fall asleep. She'd been so lost and sad. Being with the wrong man was actually worse than being with no man at all. When she woke the next day, the clarity of that sleepless hour had been pushed somewhere deep in her mind and she had welcomed Roy's request for them to go grab some breakfast.
- Oh?
- Yeah. I knew it was a mistake the second Roy almost fell asleep on me.
Jim's eyes went from questioning to containing only shock and horror. Oh my god, what had she said. Why had she told him that? Her cheeks grew red and the more she wanted to keep the blushing away, the redder she became.
- Oh sorry. Sorry. Sorry. I….. I…..I didn't mean to put it like that.
Jesus. What was she doing? She was making it worse. Quick, say something to save the moment. Say something that'll take away that dreadful look on his face. Once again she was in loss of words and honesty. He kept looking at her, his face even more hurt than when he'd told her about Karen. She didn't know what to do.
- Oh…oh….okay.
His voice was absolutely heartbroken and she kicked herself for making his evening even worse. She had meant to apologize. Suddenly she did the only thing that seemed natural. She'd leaned forward and grabbed hold of his hands; intertwining them as best she could. She looked up into his eyes and felt the tears forming behind her own as she said.
- Listen Jim. It's you and me now. I'm never going back there again. Trust that. Please you have to trust that. It was a terrible mistake and I am so sorry I hurt you. I never meant to. I just needed someone that night. Something familiar and safe. I was so alone. It was stupid I know. I shouldn't have been so weak. I'm sorry. I'm really sorry.
As she talked she could feel how her eyes welled over. Tears were running in a steady flow down her chin. She continued. Her voice was determined and strong.
- All I could think about was you. You barely left my mind that night, and I couldn't sleep and it was just awful. I'm so sorry Jim. I'm just so sorry about it all. You trust me right? I'm never going back there. Do you trust me? Please say you trust me.
She could feel her voice growing desperate as the look on his face didn't reveal much. Then he suddenly moved forward, let go of her hands and embraced her. Her chin was resting towards his chest. She felt one hand behind her head and the other stroking her back.
- Please don't cry.
His voice was low and begging.
- I just can't stand to see you cry.
That, of course, only made her cry even harder. She could feel how he tensed up again. She felt embarrassed she cried. She didn't know why she'd suddenly burst into tears. It must have been the emotional toil of the evening. She was exhausted. She slowly got control over her tears and whispered into his shirt.
- I'm sorry Jim.
- What did you say Pam?
His voice was so low and loving that she thought her heart would burst.
- I said I was sorry.
- That's okay. You've got nothing to be sorry about. I understand.
His words made her lift her head and move away from him.
- No Jim, really. I need for you to accept my apology. I know I was wrong.
- Okay Pam. Then I accept your apology. And now I want you to accept mine.
- What do you mean?
- I want you to accept MY apology.
- For what?
- For giving you a reason to go home with him that night.
- Ohh….
- You think I don't know about being weak and needy?
- What do you mean?
- Karen said something today.
- Ohh…
- Yeah, she said I used her.
- Ohh..?
- Said I used her only to entice you.
- Ohh…did you?
- God no. At least not on a conscious level. I wouldn't do that. You must know that right?
- Yeah…I do. It's just….this past year have been so crazy.
- I know……Anyway, when she said it. I realised it was partially true. Not the part about using her to entice you, but the part of me using her.
- What do you mean?
- I mean I sort of used her because I needed someone to come back with me, back with me to Scranton. I couldn't face it all alone.
- Ohh….
- Yeah. So you see, weak and needy. I'm the champion of that category. Where's my throphy?
They looked at each other and Pam couldn't help but laugh.
- We're a pathetic kind aren't we?
- Hehehe….oh yeah….definitely. The worst they come.
They drifted back into another hug and Pam rested her chin on his shoulder. She didn't ever want to let go of this man. This was it. She could feel it.
- I'm glad we found each other.
- I'm glad too.
She turned her head so that her lips were facing his chin and then she kissed him. She closed her eyes and continued kissing him until their mouths found each other and the world stopped. She'd never felt anything even close to this. Exiting and calming at the same time. Their lips even matched. Their kiss was gentle and exploring at first, and then more passionate. It was easier to express what she felt this way. She wondered if he felt the same. She lost track of time and place and just existed. In that moment, all that mattered was them.
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