Several minutes went by, none of them spoke. The silence harder to cut through than a brick wall. As the minutes crept by she was reminded of something her mother once told her as a child. Pam had been upset over some girls at school who had asked her why she never spoke in class. Was she a mute? Her mother had taken her in her arms and stroked her hair, and instead of insisting that Pam should raise her hand more often she had looked her in the eyes and said that sometimes it was okay to be silent, that silence was golden.

She had loved that expression, how saying nothing could be golden.

Whenever someone teased her about her shy nature she always used to defend herself with that saying. Over the years it had become a part of who she was. She took pride in her silence. But she didn't like their silence. It said too much. It spoke volumes. It spoke of things she didn't want to hear, things she had pushed out of her consciousness.

Every now and then Jim took a deep breath and opened his mouth to speak, but nothing came out. He walked back and forth a few times, looking at her, then looking out the window, then looking at everything and nothing. She hated seeing him so conflicted, so trapped in a past and a persona he couldn't escape. She had noticed the change shortly after he came back. He wasn't the open and loyal friend anymore. She had expected it to be weird at first, awkward even, but she had never imagined that the Jim she had known would never be coming back. She saw how he would be unhappy during the hours at work and it had baffled her that he kept ignoring it. Months had gone by before she understood that the change in him was permanent. How could she have fooled herself into believing that everything would be the same as soon as he was back?

Her knees were weak as she walked over to the sofa. Her finger brushed against Jim's hand on her way over. She hadn't meant for it to touch him, but her walk was unsteady and her arm had sought his. He lifted his arm a little, as if to stop her, but he remained almost still. She would wait. She would wait until he spoke. The clock on his DVD-player told her it was just passed eleven. It was dark outside, but the sky had finally cleared up and she could see stars and a heavy moon. It was quiet. She could hear her own breath. From time to time she held it and then it became almost uncomfortably silent.

When she thought she couldn't take it anymore, he spoke.

- I can't change the past.

She wasn't sure what he meant by that. What specific part of the past was he talking about?
It sounded heartfelt and sad, but there was a tinge of accusation in there somewhere. Did he think she expected that?

- I know that Jim. That's not what I'm asking here. It's….just…..I don't know. Time I guess. Maybe we should take some breathing space. A lot of things have happened in your life the past week.

- I know there are a lot of things that need to be resolved. But….

His face turned from confused to decisive as he walked over to her. He sat down next to her and looked at her.

- I don't want us to lose even more time Pam. I want to be with you.

- I want to be with you too. Believe me. I have wanted that for a long time. I just….I don't know. I want you to take the time you need to work through things.

- What do you mean?

- Karen.

- Ohh… I think I'm actually fine with all that. There aren't too many things to work through.

- Come on Jim. I know you might feel that at times, how it's all over and done with, but it isn't. It couldn't possibly be in just a week.

- Really Pam. I don't regret breaking up with her; it never would have worked out. It's all fine.

- Listen Jim. I'm not saying that it was the wrong decision, not at all. I'm just saying, and I know this from experience, that it takes some time to work through and be okay with some of the feelings you must be experiencing at the moment.

- Ohh…okay, yeah. No..I guess you're right. So what you're saying is that I need to slow down a bit?

- Not just you Jim. Not just you.

- What do you mean?

- I need to slow down too. I mean, I've been waiting for this for so long. I don't have any strong ties to anyone else anymore. I guess I'm more ready than you; which has caused me to speed along without actually thinking about all the stuff that's been going on in your life.

- Ohh…right. Yeah I guess I understand what you mean.

They weren't touching. Her hands were in her lap. Another silence took them, but this one felt a thousand times more comfortable.

- So do you want me to take you home?

Jim broke the silence again. The last thing she really wanted was to leave, but she thought it might be smart so she nodded. Her eyes caught a glimpse of Karen again as she stood up and the irrational feeling she had felt earlier came back in full force. She didn't know why but she couldn't make herself walk to the door. She stood frozen by the corner of the table. Jim, who had carried their tea cups into the kitchen came back and lifted his eyebrows when he saw her. She didn't mimic back, she just continued standing there. There was something about that picture, something about the beach. She couldn't get rid of this feeling of insane jealousy. Rationally she knew there was no need for jealousy, but she couldn't escape it. She had an almost perverted desire to get inside the relationship between Karen and Jim.

- Pam…

From the distance she could hear Jim's voice. It sounded worried again.

- Pam…are you ready to go?

She looked at him. His eyes were beginning to flicker, afraid of what they might read in hers. She realised she kept unsetling him, but she couldn't help it.

- No Jim. I'm not ready to go.

- Oh….okay. That's….no, that's fine.

- I mean…of course, yeah, sure…let's go.

She could see that Jim wasn't buying her change of heart because he walked over to her and sat her down in the sofa again. He took her hands and looked her in the face.

- Is this…are you regretting this?

- What do you mean?

- What you told me at the beach? That I asked you out? Do you regret it?

He looked at her with an almost pleading expression. She couldn't believe it. He was afraid she regretted it. Didn't he know that this was everything she had wanted for so long. That he was everything she wanted. That she wanted it so desperately that it scared her senseless to think that he might not want her after all. She could feel a lump starting to grow in her throat but she refused to cry. She swallowed and leaned in closer to him.

- Not a second of it. Do you?

- Not at all Pam. Not at all.

She felt a tiny bit of her jealousy let go, but she still couldn't shake the feeling that the Jim who sat next to her was someone else, someone different than the Jim who told her he loved her. She couldn't put her finger on it. It was something about the beach.