Boxed Beginnings
I snap back for a second, stung by her words. She's angry with me right now, I know that. It's completely justified but even so, I want her to take it back. I want to start the conversation over, get it right. Fix the mess that I've pulled us both into. I had it all planned out. Everything I was going to say, everything I was going to apologise for. I screwed it all up. Again. Just another Jess Mariano fuck up. Boy, do I know how to fuck up. 'Come with me'?! Seriously?! What the hell was I thinking?!
I'm desperate now. I need to draw her into my vision of our potential life together. I need to paint the ideal picture but my imagination has dried up.
"Look, we'll go to New York! We'll…work, we'll live together, we'll be together. It's what I want, it's what you want too!" I can hear the desperation in my voice and know that she'll pick up on it.
"No!" I never knew that one tiny, seemingly insignificant word could hurt so much. I need to change her mind.
"Look, I wanna be with you but…not here, not this place not…Stars Hollow! We have to start new!"
"There's nothing to start!" The knife twists. I want to back down, to crawl away and lick my wounds but I can't give up because it's an addiction. A sick, masochistic addiction to letting her hurt me.
That's when I finally look around the room and spot the boxes. Her first year at college packed away in cardboard. She could leave now. If she wanted to.
"But…you're packed! You're stuff is all in boxes! It's perfect! You're ready…and I'm ready. I'm ready for this! You can count on me now, I know you couldn't count on me before but you can now, you can!" I think it's possibly the most words I've ever said to her but I have to tell her the truth, to let her into my innermost thoughts because I know that's the only way that she can ever learn to trust me again. It's the only way I can learn to trust myself again.
She looks like she's searching for an escape but I blocked her way to the exit when she backed away from me. She has to turn and face me. She has to give me an answer.
"No!"