BAD GRACE - quantum witch © 2005
see Prologue for warnings, rating, and summary
In which there are truths, lies, announcements, deceptions, poundings, recoveries, and everything else imaginable. Also cake eating.
6:05 – ALPHA AND OMEGA
FOR ONE SECOND THERE WAS literally dead silence.
Then several voices yelled at once. "Azrael?"
WHOM ELSE DO YOU THINK? AN ANOREXIC SUPER-MODEL? NOW LET'S GET THIS SHOW ON THE ROAD, I'M SICK AND TIRED OF WAITING.
The Spheres began to move, some boiling, some shivering, some twitching, and all inhabitants shouted in anger or fear or confusion.
"What do you think you're doing?" Metatron shouted.
Azrael looked at him with all the contempt a skeletal face could muster. WHAT DOES IT BLOODY LOOK LIKE? I'M ENDING THE WORLD. YOUR CHRIST IS HERE, SHE'S OPENED THE SEALS WHICH WEREN'T OPENED LAST TIME THUS MAKING IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR THE WORLD TO COMPLETELY END. AND I'M FINISHING THE DAMNED JOB.
"But we were told last time was… it. Over. Done. This new event wasn't given to us know," Metatron said angrily. "We don't know what will happen if you do this! For all we know, this may end not only the world but Heaven and Hell as well!"
HM. YES, THAT IS A DISTINCT POSSIBILITY. WISH I'D THOUGHT OF IT SOONER, REALLY.
"How did you think of such a thing to begin with!" Metatron demanded.
IT WAS AMAZINGLY SIMPLE. THE TREE OF LIFE, THE TREE OF KNOWLEDGE OF GOOD AND EVIL, IS BOTH THIS CONFIGURATION, he swept his hand toward the Spheres, AND THE VERY ESSENCE OF WHAT CREATION WAS ABOUT BACK IN THE GARDEN. THEY ARE LITERALLY ONE AND THE SAME. GUESS WHAT? THE ORIGINAL NAME FOR THE TREE IS ETZ HA-DA'ATH. GUESS WHAT ELSE? I'M IN CHARGE OF THAT SPHERE. I CONTROL IT ALL. I CAN CHOOSE WHETHER IT ALL LIVES OR DIES. IT IS MY JOB AND MY RIGHT. AND I'M EXERCISING IT.
Worried and furious voices piped up from all spheres, from angels and demons and frightened little girls. Even the Sins seemed a bit taken aback.
"Why would you do zzsuch a thing?" demanded Beezlebub. "At leazzt give Hell the chanzze to zzsucceed where it wazz denied lazzst time." He shot an acidic glare at Crowley, who was only inches away.
Crowley cringed further than he ever had, very nearly turning himself inside out.
"Now, see here!" Aziraphale shouted. The demon in his Sphere laughed heartily. "And you shut up, I've bloody well had it up to here with demons who can't be polite!"
WOULD YOU ALL JUST SHUT UP, said Azrael, loudly, I'M TRYING TO DESTROY EVERYTHING, IF YOU DON'T MIND.
"I think we do mind, thank you," Metatron gritted his teeth. "We need to know what will happen!"
WHO CARES? Azrael shouted at the top of his hollow, dirge-like voice. I AM SICK TO DEATH OF THIS JOB. I HAVE BEEN DEALING WITH THIS SHIT FOR FOUR MILLENNIA NOW, AND ALL THE HUMANS DO IS BITCH ABOUT DYING. MIND YOU, I DON'T HAVE TO DEAL WITH THOSE GOING TO HELL, THEY JUST DROP DOWN OF THEIR OWN ACCORD. BUT THOSE GOING TO HEAVEN? I HAVE TO SCHLEPP THEIR ARSES CLEAR UP AND THEN COME BACK DOWN FOR MORE. YOU'D THINK, WITH ALL THE SINNING IN THIS WORLD, THERE WOULD BE MORE GOING DOWNSTAIRS. BUT NOOOO. I HAVE TO HONOUR THOSE DAMNED CLAUSES IN MATTHEW AND LUKE, THE BLOODY WANKERS. 'ANYONE WHO REPENTS ON HIS DEATHBED, GETS A TICKET GOOD FOR ONE FREE SALVATION'. BOLLOCKS, I SAY. I'M KILLING 'EM ALL AND LETTING GOD SORT 'EM OUT, SINCE HE'S SO FRICKING KEEN ON THE JOB!
That was the longest, and most impolite, speech anyone had heard from Azrael. Ever.
"Now, look," Metatron said quietly, "there must be a reasonable arrangement we can make…"
SHUT IT, VOICE, I'M TIRED OF HEARING YOU WHINGE. YOU DO NOTHING BUT TALK ALL THE TIME, SOME TOUGH JOB. WANNA TRADE, JACKASS?
"Er."
DIDN'T THINK SO. LET'S GET ON WITH THIS NOW…
"You can't!" Ginger cried out, suddenly, shaking off her Pride long enough to speak up. "You promised… this would all lead to a thousand years of peace, not instant oblivion!"
SO I LIED. GONNA SUE ME?
She gasped then fell silent. She realised now that her own ideals had led to this. And she began to weep.
Rachel reached over, took her hand, and squeezed it gently. "Don't worry, we'll fix it all. Just be patient." The old woman stared at her in awe.
Crowley looked over at Aziraphale. "Angel, if we don't survive this… I just want to say…"
"Yes?" Aziraphale asked breathlessly.
"It was… it was great, and I have no regrets, and I loooo- iiike to say it but I can't, in front of anyone else," Crowley stammered.
Aziraphale smiled, and ignored the noises of disgust from behind him. "Crowley, dear, I think I got that earlier today. And because of that, I intend to survive this. Just be brave, won't you?"
"Trying. Really, really trying." He eyed his demonic Sphere companion warily.
Beezlebub grinned in a gloating way. "Poof," he muttered.
Adam yelled now, where Azrael could hear him clearly. "You complain about doing your job for so long. But you haven't been doing it at all!"
"What in Heaven do you mean, Antichrist?" Metatron demanded.
"Why don't you ask one of his 'clients' personally?" Adam snarled, and opened his fist to produce the blackened chip of wood. From it came the ghost of Agnes Nutter. "Go tell 'em what he's done," Adam declared.
She moved forward through the Spheres, which could not hold her. Azrael didn't look at all concerned, as though he was humouring her.
But when she had entered the invisible Sphere, he felt it change. He stepped aside, as though to exit Da'ath… and could not.
WHAT HAVE YOU DONE? HOW HAVE YOU -?
"Yoor system if flaw'd, oh Grate Death," she pronounced with a knowing smile. "You setteth up this Tree to holde fast those you need for the proper energys. The Circles holdeth fast only when those of opposyt numbre be inside and bounden to one another. There must be a pure human, in this case a Virtuous childe, and the Foulness of Sinne together. There must be also a Heav'nly host and a Fallen One. Those two," she pointed at Crowley and Aziraphale, "are both part earthley and part divine or infernal, and fulfyll the needs of thyr Circlef." She smiled broadly. "You keep yore Circle alone, as you art the One in control. But I am thy opposyt, being already dead. I balance thee and cancel thy Powerf of control. Thou art trapp'd as are we alle. Thou canst do naught if thou art stuck thus."
Azrael growled in frustration, for it was true. DAMN… DIDN'T THINK OF THAT.
"And now I reveal to alle what you hafe done to the dead, lo these many cent'ries past…"
DON'T YOU DARE…
"As if thou couldst now threaten me!" she laughed in delight. "Hear now, all from Heav'n and Hell. Check thou your numberf, see how few souls hath made it to your ranks in the last thousand yearf. Grate Death haf left them to rotte in their gravef, their souls still present and suff'ring. For he grew wearie of his job and decided to stop."
"What?" Metatron demanded. "If this is true-"
"Thinkest thou I be not proofe enouf?" Agnes demanded. "If not for a trick I knew as a wytch, then I couldst not be here to tell ye this! I split my soul in twain, preserv'd in both book and wode, so as to come hither and set thys to ritef!"
IT DOESN'T MATTER, ANYMORE, Azrael muttered. THE REST OF THE CYCLE HAS BEEN SET INTO MOTION, BECAUSE THE SEALS WERE OPENED. I MIGHT NOT BE ABLE TO CONTROL WHAT HAPPENS TO HEAVEN OR HELL NOW, BUT THE EARTH IS STILL DOOMED AND WE ARE ALL TRAPPED, POSSIBLY FOR ETERNITY, INSIDE THESE SPHERES. ONLY GOD CAN STOP IT, IF HE WILL. AND OF COURSE WE ALL KNOW JUST HOW OFTEN HIS INEFFABLENESS BOTHERS TO CHECK IN.
Rachel cleared her throat softly. "I can hear you."
…SHIT.
The Christ nodded to her friends then, and they reached into their pockets for the gifts she'd given earlier. Each had a small package of modeling clay, and they swiftly shaped as best they could something that resembled the tools of the Sins.
Deedee found the sceptre easy enough, and Miki just flattened her clay to represent a tiny cloak. Selina and Chloe fashioned basic semi-circle lumps and jabbed holes in them with their fingers. Belle thought about making the chain for the necklace, but figured the talisman was the real issue and just shaped a rough hexagon. Lexa grumbled that she'd gotten the oddest shape, because a scourge wasn't exactly something she'd ever seen before.
Rachel merely reached up to finger her stone necklace.
Turning to look up at Ginger, who saw the circle that matched her crown, Rachel breathed softly, "Now."
The young Disciples turned to the Sins, held up their tools and cried out, "By the power of the Christ, I repel thee!"
Each Sin screamed as the power of their opposite side lashed them. There was a minor implosion as they were cancelled out, and then an explosion as the energy of the Spheres collapsed, expelling humans, angels and demons onto the playground.
Anathema and Newt looked up and yelped with incoherent relief. They left off pummeling (with a metal cake pan and heavy Styrofoam cooler) what could be seen of the Horsepersons through the wriggling, shrieking mass that was Hastur, and ran toward their daughter.
They were preparing to scoop her into their arms, when she held up her hand and they were halted as if by magic.
"Mum, dad, there's something I need to do first," she said gently, and strode toward Adam through the ranks of recovering human and occult beings. "You know what we have to do."
"Yes, fix the world, before it dies," he nodded.
"And one more thing," she whispered.
"Yes," he whispered back. He knelt on the ground before her.
Rachel gripped her stone necklace tightly, and Adam wrapped his hands around hers. They bowed their heads together as if in prayer.
They literally held the whole world in their hands.
It stopped.
It breathed.
It healed.
Then it listened.
For one infinitesimal moment, everyone in the world, human or otherwise, felt what Rachel felt all the time.
Utter, overwhelming love. For everything.
Then the feeling sank within their deepest psyches, because few people are prepared to feel such an all-encompassing emotion. But it was there for all time, a tiny diamond of truth and light glittering in the darkness.
Each woman who had been a Sin cried out once more, and fell to her knees. The essence of Sin left them, rushing and crawling and oozing away into the aether. Several of them began to weep, remembering what they had done.
And the Horsepersons trembled, feeling themselves decay. They had been alive so very long they shouldn't have been standing any longer. But three of the former Sins stumbled toward them, not wishing to see them leave. Rachel and Adam saw, and took pity, letting them live. But they were Horsepersons no more, never to be again. Gratefully, lover and friend and sister clung together, willing at that moment to give up the world for one another, still feeling the deep love of the Christ at their cores.
The two who were star and star-chaser sat despondent on the ground, unsure what to do with themselves. Rachel and Adam nodded, and let them forget everything so as to go back to their previous lives. The world would heal around them well enough.
Hastur re-congealed into the human shape he was accustomed to and ran toward his queen. "My lady," he gasped, gathering her into his arms. "Tell me you're all right."
"Yes… yes… My duke," she whispered, shocked at herself, "I have something to tell you…"
"Yes, I felt it too. I've never understood it… didn't realise… I felt it all along. I looo…" He took a deep breath, still finding the word difficult, being a demon.
"Not that," she said, looking him in the eye. "I have to tell you… I'm pregnant."
There was dead silence all around them.
"Oh. My. God." That was Crowley.
"My lady," Hastur breathed in awe. "I… I wish… I could stay here for you. But I fear that… they will take me back now they know where I am…" He looked toward the arch-demons gathering around him, snarling.
"No," said Adam, "we can fix that too. If you want. You can be human."
All eyes turned toward the Antichrist in astonishment.
"Wait, what?" Metatron asked. "How can you make such a promise? The Christ has won the day, and she is the one to make all such decisions."
"Actually," Rachel said, "Adam won, that first time 'round. He's just decided to share the world. I don't mind."
"…," was the response from nearly everyone.
Then Metatron cleared his throat. "I have been vouchsafed, at this moment, a message from Above. This was, apparently, one of the final tests of His Creation, that the Christ and Antichrist could work together toward one goal, cease to be opposed. Er. It seems that's been done. So. All is well."
"Good thing," Adam said casually. "Because we'd hate to muck things back up again. It's hard enough keeping our own lives straight."
"Seems the lines of communication are a bit better this time around," Aziraphale observed casually.
"Er, yes. Normally I can only hear God and Speak for Him. He does not hear through me. But," Metatron looked at Rachel, "she is both His eyes and ears upon earth. We have a two-way channel, for the time being…"
Then Metatron turned a fiery gaze upon Azrael. "I have also just received orders concerning you. You wish to retire? I can personally see to that." He raised his hands, filled with righteous flames, and prepared to smite the wayward dark angel.
"Wait," came the soft voice of the Christ. "I think he's just tired and wants to go home. I know I feel that way when I've had to do too much. Why don't we just let him go."
Metatron looked at her, frustrated. "But… thereneeds to be an angel of death, one to guide and comfort the souls of the dead before they ascend… and even when they descend. It is part of God's mercy."
"Yes, I know. But what about mercy on the angel himself?" Rachel inquired.
The archangel was silent then. He lowered his hands. "Very well, what shall we do instead."
"Replace him. Find someone new."
"And where shall I-"
"Just ask someone here. Might be someone who'd do it."
Metatron looked at the gathered angels. And one raised her hand.
"I'll do it. I think I'd like to," said Auriel. "I've always wanted to work down here." She changed her misty angelic appearance to something more earthly. Or rather her idea of earthly – thin and fearfully pale, with black clothes and black hair, and thick black eyeliner. She reached up to touch her face and smeared a tiny curl of black below her eye. It felt right.
The heavy sigh of the Voice was powerful. "Very well. Azrael, go home, and leave us alone already."
OH, YOU'RE SIMPLY TOO KIND, came the sarcastic response, as the former Angel of Death disappeared.
Auriel tapped the transparent spirit of Agnes Nutter politely on the shoulder. "Excuse me, I have a huge backlog, thanks to my predecessor… but I wondered if you were ready to go?"
Agnes chuckled. "Wait'd three cent'ries now, I hast, and I think we canst wait three minutef more." She floated to Anathema and Newt, who were gawking at her as though she was the only unusual thing on the playground. "My blood doth lyve on and maketh me proude. And the blood of myne un-doer, e'en more so. That one," she pointed at Ginger who was slowly meandering their direction, "hath the second book. Be sure that she givest it to ye." Agnes smiled once more, and vanished.
"You are… the parents of the Christ child?" Ginger asked tremulously.
"Um. Yes. But we normally call her Rachel," Newt answered.
"How… how did she come to be with you?"
"The hard way. I can show you the stretch marks, Anathema stared hard at the woman. "But I don't think your worthy of it."
"And you… are the father?"
"Yes, of course," Newt said a bit tersely.
"But… there should have been… how did God…?"
Anathema cocked her head, considering. "Well, apparently he used the cover of our last Apocalypse to pop down for a quickie."
Ginger looked as though her brain might rupture, so the Holy Parents backed away.
"So...," Brian said, as he and the previous Them approached Adam. "Heard you've got a comic book out. That's pretty cool."
Adam grinned. "Yeah, second issue's coming next month. Probably gonna do a graphic novel collection by the end."
Pepper asked with a smile, "Bet they'll love the sequel."
Laughing, Adam gathered his three old friends into a hug, surprising the boys. "I don't think anyone sane would want to read about another almost-but-not-quite-entirely-unlike-Armageddon."
They knew the rift had been mended.
But then….
There came a mighty rumbling from beneath the ground, announcing another Presence.
"Shit, please, not again," Crowley groaned, and clung to his angel.
"Dear, I think this time he may be out of luck," Aziraphale patted his gently on the back. "Let's just wait and see."
The ground did not split open. But Beelzebub grumbled and said, "He izz zzspeaking through me for now. It appearzz he is not happy with thizz arrangement. There wazz a deal made with hizz zzson that time. A deal he feelzz hazz not been honoured."
"Oh, that," Adam said dismissively. "Yeah, I made a deal. Right at the turning point of the last Armageddon. In exchange for you guys leaving Crowley alone, I said I'd watch out for the Christ when he showed up."
Crowley raised his head from Aziraphale's shoulder, gaping. "...For me?"
"See, dear, you see how special you are?" Aziraphale kissed him on the cheek.
"Szzo you made thizz deal," Beelzebub continued, "and we left the zzsnake to his own devicezz… dizzguszzting though he hazz become… but that leaveszz your part of the bargain. You have not turned the Chrizzst over to uszz."
"Never said I'd do that. I said I'd watch out for the Christ, who wasn't even a 'he', by the way. I did watch out for Rachel. Every day, I watched out for her. Because I love her." Adam brushed his hand through her dark hair, and smiled. "No one said watching out had to mean finding her and turning her over to you guys."
There was, again, dead silence.
The deep rumbling below the ground began to sound like laughter.
Beelzebub blinked in surprise and said, "Ah, it zzseemzz that you are… within the boundzz of the deal. He iszz actually pleaszzed with your dezzception. Er. Congratulationzz."
Adam grinned broadly. "Thought he might be."
"Aziraphale, however," Metatron declared, "we still have a score to settle. Your interference last time was a bit of a sore spot for many of us. While He insisted upon a commendation, we're still not so sure that you should walk away this time. You have," he gazed with contempt upon Crowley, "been quite busy sinning in ways I hesitate to speak of."
"Oh, come off it," Aziraphale scoffed. "I love him. And that's what matters. If you really feel the need to smite me, do so, but leave him out of this."
"Nooo. No smiting," Crowley grimaced, tugging the angel's sleeve. "Smiting it a bad thing, causes lots of death."
"As I was trying to say," Metatron ground his teeth. "He has Spoken to me on this matter, and the decision is up to… His daughter."
"What decision?" Rachel asked, shrugging. "Aziraphale is fine just the way he is. I like him."
Metatron sighed. "Yes, thought you'd say that. Very well, go and fornicate with your demon. I…" He fell silent for a moment, frowning, listening to On High. Then he raised his brows in shock. "Really? Oh… well, then." Turning back to Aziraphale and Crowley, he said, "Apparently you have passed the final Ineffable Test of Creation, that an un-Fallen angel and an unredeemed demon could come to love one another. Therefore His Creation is judged, er, acceptable. Ah… congratulations…?"
Aziraphale smiled as only an angel can and inwardly danced on a universe-sized pinhead. Not even the Gavotte but a breathtakingly fluid waltz, with a handsome demon in his arms.
He turned to Crowley and said, "My darling, would you care to move in with me? I'm ready to give up London for something quieter, and I think I know just the spot…"
"Wait a minute," Beelzebub growled. "Crowley izz zzsafe from Hellzz grip. We'll never welcome him through the Gatezz again. He'szz dizzguzzsting, in love with thizz angel. Therefore… he zzshould be zzstripped of the right to call himzzself a demon!" The other arch-demons cheered the idea.
"Boy, you didn't feel much of that love for very long, did you?" Adam muttered. He turned to Crowley, who was cringing again. "Okay, we can make you the same offer as Hastur. If you want, you can become human. You've been on earth so long anyway, you might fit in, you know…"
Crowley blinked. "Human…?"
The gathered masses walked their separate ways, as the matter was discussed privately. They had had more than enough drama for one day. Besides, there were fences to mend, a wedding to plan, jobs to be gotten back to. And a birthday cake to re-bake, as a certain Threesome had already devoured most of it.