They say that rain symbolizes a new beginning, a new life. The rains must fall in spring before the flowers can bloom. A drought filled town reawakens in the midst of the rare thunderstorm. A new life, a new beginning…can that be for me too?
No. Never.
The rain does not symbolize new life for me, but old pains and mistakes. It symbolizes my shame and guilt. Every time it rains, I see her –no, it's- face. I see the ghost of my mother, and that-that-thing. I feel my mother's disappointment and sadness that we did something so stupid. I feel her tears with every rain drop for how her sons have to live; her oldest has his soul chained to the military; her youngest has his soul chained to a suit of armor. I feel angered that we-I – was so selfish that I wanted to break the rules of nature, of the universe, to attempt to bring our mother back. The soul of my mother was already at peace-until that night. I know because I never had nightmares about her until the transmutation. I will forever be haunted of the comparison of my mother's smiling face with that...half-formed demon, dying a slow, agonizing death. In attempting to bring someone back to life, I caused a painful death; I disturbed the dead; I almost destroyed my brother, the one I am always supposed to protect.
I will never see mom again. She is resting in heaven. I will burn in hell.
Mom isn't the only one I see. I see the face of that poor little girl. I see Nina smiling happily, playing with Alexander, with that deranged bastard watching her enjoying her last days as a human. Then I see a perfectly formed chimera, with perfectly formed eyes of anguish. I could feel the torture Nina's soul was undergoing, being forced to merge with a living thing and its soul. Her pain had almost touched mine, except I realized that Nina's pain was the pain of innocence. She did nothing wrong. I did. And I could not save her from such a terrible fate.
With every raindrop, I hear his footprints. The serial killer coming for the National Alchemist. Even now, when I close my eyes, I can see those red, hatred filled eyes. In his eyes I could see my own self-loathing. I saw everything I did wrong; I can understand why Scar would want to kill me, even if it wasn't personal. If Scar was going to take my life, I had no objections. It would have been fitting if his red eyes of resentment-my red eyes of resentment-were the last thing I ever saw on this earth. I don't deserve to die a peaceful, painless death. I deserve to suffer.
I hate the rain as much as God hates me. And I don't blame Him for it.
The rain falling on me is a punishment; it is a reminder of my past, a moment in my present, and a reflection of my future.
On the outside, I am Edward Elric, a.k.a the Fullmetal Alchemist. But deep within my soul… I am a monster. The rain makes sure I never forget.
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Kame: Man, Ed sure was hard to write about, as it was kinda obvious how he feels about rain. Oops, forgot to mention Hughes! Oh, well....