Title: Of Locked Doors and Pretty Keys
Spoilers: None
P.O.V: Third person.
Time: Set well after BD.

"Argh!"

Anyone within a kilometer of the remote home could've heard the yell of rage. Angrily, Alice pounded on the door, then threw her purse down and hissed at it.

Jasper, who was now sitting on the doorstep of the new Cullen household, chuckled to himself. "Forgot your key again, Alice?"

"I hate having only one set of key!" she raged, whirling to face him. "I have too many purses! I should at least have two sets! It would cause me a lot less grief!"

Jasper pulled out his own set and handed it to her, and she tugged it away from his grasp. However, instead of unlocking the door, she began to stomp through the driveway. Her feet rose small clouds of dust from the gravel, and the blond's smile only widened. "Darling, the house is on the other side."

"I know, Jasper. I'm going to get a spare key done!" she called back, then continued her march towards the village.

There was only one clerk on duty in the small post office. Her name tag read 'Katie', and had a large heart drawn beside it in permanent marker. When Alice pushed the door, a cheery bell rang to signal her entry. It was so small-town, so hillbilly, that she almost laughed out loud. However, the laughter died in her throat as she took in the thin woman behind the counter. She was only about nineteen, had long sandy brown hair that was streaked with an unnatural shade of bleach blonde, and shocking green eyes.

"Hi, I'm Katie. It totally starts with a K and ends with an 'ee' sound, just like 'key'!" she squealed, as though it was the next best thing beside water.

Alice's golden eyes widened lightly as she shot Jasper, who had decided to tag along at the last minute, an incredulous look. He only smiled gently at her, a small plea at her to be patient.

"Well, since this seems to be your specialty, I'd like to have this key doubled, please," she politely said, taking the key from Jasper's fingers to Katie's well-manicured ones.

"Of course!" she chirped happily, then waved to a collection of keys. "Would you like one with a design? They're four dollars."

Both vampires looked at each other lightly. Keys were usually, in larger stores, about a dollar or two at most. Alice was about to refuse when her eyes suddenly fell on a black one. Light blue swirls flowed around it in a beautifully intricate design, and her throat constricted with desire.

"We'll take that one," Jasper said, pointing to said key once he felt her emotions. Smiling down at her, he shrugged carelessly at her glare. It was, after all, only four dollars.

"That's perfect!" Katie grinned. "And for that price, you can get your name done on it. It's totally gorgeous!"

The black-haired girl suddenly smiled. "My name's Alice."

"It'll be done in a flash, love," the human chirped, then vanished behind a door.

"I will rip off her head," Alice swore under her breath.

Jasper cringed. They had arrived back home a few minutes later, with Alice glowing proudly at her new key, yet it would not unlock their door.

They had played around with it, had tried to force it, and Jasper had even tried to bend the key with his unhuman strength. However, the perfect little key had refused to unlock the door, and after fifteen minutes, they had given up.

"We are so going back there!" she glowered, grabbing the key from the lock. Once again, she stomped away, leaving Jasper behind to chuckle to himself.

The cheery little bells announced the grim reaper.

Alice stormed through the door, then halted in front of the counter. Katie, who was reading a magazine, jumped up and guiltily shoved her reading material under the desk. She then stood up and grinned, attempting to appear professional. However, her smile died when she saw who came in.

"It's not working." The words came out in a low hiss, through gritted teeth, as a pair of golden eyes glared daggers.

"Oh..." Katie glanced down at the keys, which Alice had thrown down. Sure enough, they were the keys that she had just made for the petite girl that now glowed menacingly.

The woman flipped her long sandy hair behind her shoulder, trying to keep her cool, and looked miserably at the two keys. She brought them up to eye-level and studied them intently. "But... I don't see any difference... It should work..."

Alice's patience was obviously wearing thin. Tapping her foot, she said coolly, "Well, it doesn't."

Another strand of dyed hair fell in front of the girl's face, and she whipped it back before looking at Alice. A sudden surge of pity filled the girl's face as she pouted and murmured, "Honey, are you certain that you've got the right house?"

A second of disbelief crossed Alice's face as Jasper chuckled. Then, the petite girl took on a shocked expression and gasped sarcastically, "Oh, crap, I totally tried it in the neighbour's lock instead of my own! I am so sorry to have taken your valuable time, sweetheart."

Jasper's laugh only intensified when Katie handed Alice the key, obviously relieved.

"Oh come on!" the vampire girl blew up, throwing the key back at the girl in a slow fashion. "Can't you see sarcasm when someone gives it to you?! Now, stop acting like a ditz and fix my key!"

Now, Katie appeared thoroughly confused. "But, Alice, there's nothing I can do anymore..."

"I paid four dollars for this!" Alice hissed. "If I can't have my key, I want my freaking money back!"

It was only then that Jasper pressed his hand comfortably on his wife's shoulder and sent waves of calm through her. She was getting dangerously close to being intent on murder, and while it was hilarious, he also was concerned about the fragile human girl. Leaning down, he murmured gently. "It's alright, Alice. Let's go, we'll find someone else to make a key for us."

The light-haired girl sent Jasper a thankful smile, and Alice's anger only spiked. She seemed ready for another round when her husband took her by the hand and forcefully tugged her out of the small post office.

When they were a safe distance from the store, Alice grumbled, "You should've let me deal with her properly... I think you're being unfair..."

"And I think you've been hanging around Rosalie too much," he commented lightly, then laughed as she suddenly took on a dissapointed look. "Come on, there's a hardware store down the road. We should get it done there."

"But it won't have my name on it," she whimpered, looking back at the post office behind them.

Jasper rolled his eyes before reaching over to kiss the top of her head. "I'll have it painted on, or engraved. I'll even do it myself if you want, so it will be extra special." Then, he retrieved his own key and held it up. "Actually, I have a better idea. But you have to wait for me here."

She nodded and made her way to a small bench. She waited about five minutes, then jumped up as he appeared, clutching a key in his hand. When she glanced curiously at him, he opened his hand, the small object looking tiny against his strong palm.

It was a sparkling silver, with a small heart etched in the corner. Then, the letters JW were engraved underneath. Smiling down at her, Jasper murmured quietly as he placed it in her hand. "Key to my heart, darling."

"Oh gosh, you are so pathetic," she groaned as she rolled her eyes and smacked him on the chest. A sharp laugh left her throat as she turned her back to him, making her way towards their house. However, she glanced down at the silver key and ran her thumb over his initials. An endearing smile appeared on her face.

Never, even if they'd move and wouldn't need it anymore, would she get rid of that key.

A/N: Hi!

Now, before anyone shoots me because it's 'unbelievable', know that this fic is from a true experience. A woman honestly asked me "Honey, are you certain that you've got the right house?" today. Now, I know that she meant well, but can someone tell me in what freaking parallel universe would that line make sense? XD

However, I couldn't answer with Alice's comeback, though I certainly thought it. I only blinked, looked at her like she was nuts, took the key again, and left. Needless to say, it didn't work. So I went to Home Hardware and got a new one. It works if you shove it in with all your strength. Whatever. Thank God some people are semi-useful in this world.

Anyways, it was so hilarious that I had to make a oneshot about it. Took me half an hour. Review!

Take care!

P.S. If anyone reads Naruto fics and already went through my oneshot collection, this post office and the one in 'A Man's Best Friend' are the inspired by the same real-life post office that's close to my house. XD That building gives me tons of ideas. I should go there more often.