Everyone stared at him.
"To prevent an information leak." he explained.
"Erm, what information? I doubt anyone would even care." Hidan replied, "And besides, couldn't we just burn the paper?"
Pein opened his mouth to reply, but stopped. "Well... I suppose... you... could..."
"I ATED ALL OF MINE!"
"Did you memorize it Tobi?"
"Ummm... if memorize is... frech for 'swallow'!"
"Damnit Tobi! Those were the last prints of paper I had! Do you have any idea how much it cost to make copies at Kinkos?!" Pein slapped his head. "You know, forget it. Just go with Zetsu."
"Yay!" Shouted Tobi.
"Fuck!" Shouted Zetsu.
"Just mentioning, but aren't Odd Jobs when the clients pick what you do?" Deidara asked.
Pein stared at Deidara.
Deidara stared at Pein.
Pein stared at Deidara.
Deidara stared at Pein.
SMACK!
"Ow, the hell was that for?!"
"For asking stupid questions!"
"You just mean questions you don't know the answers to!"
SMACK!
"SON OF A BITCH!"
>
"Y'know, I don't think this is such a good idea..."
"Shut up. It's a great idea."
"But maybe we should-"
"Shut up Kisame! This is the faster and much more efficient way!" Itatchi flipped up his collar. "Besides, it was my idea. And I'm a Uchiha. And Uchiha's are always right."
"Not about the homeless..." Kisame mumbled.
"What was that?"
"I said this is retarded!"
"Will you just trust me already? It's going to work fine." Itatchi pointed to the massive ammount of lawn they were ordered to cut. If the trim was satisfactory, their rank A client, Mrs. Crumblebee, would pay the organization a lump sum of five dollars that would imediatly be invested in future endeavors... such as a lawn mower.
Itatchi turned his head to Kisame. "We don't have a lawn mower, and cutting the grass with our kunai will take all day. But my solution will cut down the time a hundreds fold. I'll use the Goukakyuu no Jutsu to burn the grass, and when it's short enough, you can douse the flames with your water! It's foolproof!"
" 'Foolproof' having the meaning that even a fool could prove you wrong..." Kisame replied with a snort.
"Oh hush, you're just upset you didn't think of it first." Itatchi performed the hand seals required for the Goukakyuu no Jutsu and inhaled deeply.
"Wait!"
COUGH HACK COUGH "Dude! Not when I'm inhaling!" Itatchi tried to catch his breath while he reperformed the hand seals and inhaled again...
"But just-"
Itatchi let out the breath slowly. Dangerously slow. "Open your tuna-ass mouth one more time and I'm going to have you chopped up by sushi chefs for the next thirty six hours!"
"I just think you sho-"
"No no no! I'm the brains here! You're the brawn! You do the muscle, I do the thinking." Itatchi pointed to what he thought was his head.
"...that's your nose."
"Oh be quiet." Itatchi once more performed the hand seals and this time let out the breath of fire before Kisame got a word in. The grass blazed up in crimson burning flames as black smoke filled the air.
"Itatchi! Look!" Kisame pointed at something among the flames.
Itatchi strained his eyes to see what Kisame was pointing at. It was bad enough that Kisame's finger looked like a blue hot dog to his sight, but the smoke didn't help him to see anything better. But just by the shape of the blur, he could recognize a propane tank when he saw one.
"Oh, SHI-"
BOOM!
>
Itatchi looked up in surprise after what he assumed to be the worst of the blast. Kisame had fallen over on top of him and Itatchi heard him moan in pain. Itatchi looked up slowly.
"Oh... my... God..."
The blast had taken out the whole back yard and most of the front yard. Not to mention Mrs. Crumblebee's house was completely blown up, except for the tiny bit of it that was indeed burning like hell. And the neighbors house. And the shed out back. And the little kid unfortunate enough to be riding his bicycle when a blind man decided to play with fire.
Kisame slowly got up to a sitting position and looked at the remains of the blast. "Well... I suppose it could have been worse..."
At that, there was a small blast and a roof shingle from the neighbors house flew over their heads, where they watched it fly behind them, and hit the car across the street, which had a can of gasoline inside it.
BOOM!
The car blew up, and the fire spread to the three surrounding houses.
Then the sounds of sirens in the distant hit their ears.
"Oh shit, run!" Itatchi yelled, stumbling to his feet with Kisame soon behind him.
"Granny? Is... is that you?" a little kid said weakly from his position on the sidewalk, covered in ashes. "I see a bright li-" He was cut off.
Itatchi ran over his head.
>
"Yup. It's them gophers. Thems been gettin' into mah carrot fields I reckon. Yup."
Deidara shook his head. This country bumpkin could finish a sentence at the speed a snail could take a nap.
"I thought rabbits ate carrots? Yeah..."
"No, it ain't thah rabbits. Yup. It's them damnded gophers. Theys ated my boots a week ago. Yup."
Deidara raised an eyebrow. "Gophers... ate your boots... yeah."
The old farmer nodded his head at the speed of a grocery cart going uphill. "It was bait. Yup. I maded me a gopher trap. Yup. Was gonna bait them in with mah shoes and turn'em intah the authoritahs. Yup. Butsa theys ate my shoes, then theys slasheded the tires of the police vehicle. Yup."
Deidara ate the last slice of pizza he ordered when the farmer started his sentence. "For the love of God man, must you say 'Yup' in every sentence? Do you have any idea how annoying it is to agree with yourself in every sentence?... yeah."
The farmer walked over towards the corn field, where Deidara saw a small plot of carrots growing. Just outside of the fence was a small hole leading underground. The farmer spat some tobacco next to the hole and pointed at it. "Yup. I reckons that there's where theys livin'. Right on mah property too. Yup. I think there's a whole family livin' down there. Yup. Might take you a while to get them all. Yup."
BOOM!
An explosion came from underneath the ground. The old farmer stumbled back in surprise as dirt clods flew everywhere and a bit of dirt hit his face.
All around, gopher bodies were raining from the sky.
Deidara moved next to the farmer and nodded in the same slow monotone the farmer did. "Wells, I reckons that there takes care of your gopher problem. Yup. Now if you could giddy-yap on down there to yer checkbook and gives me the ten dollahs you promised, I'd be happier than a pig with a trough full of slop... yup."
The farmer eyed him angrily. "No one likes a smartass, son."
>
Hidan sighed and scratched the back of his head. "Great... dog walking..." he turned to Kakuzu. "Y'know, I wasn't lying when I said they're my religions anti-christ. This is way too sacriligious..."
Kakuzu tried to fight the feeling, but couldn't. "Why are they your religions anti-christ?"
Hidan shrugged. "According to the Dieble (their religions version of the Bible) when the first of our faith walked the earth, it was a time of prosperity and riches. Almost every person alive had some form of gems and gold on their person at all time, and everyone flaunted their wealth. But then, it happened..."
Kakuzu waited for him to continue.
And waited...
And waited...
"Ugh, what happened?"
Hidan smiled. "There was a dog king, the most evil of the kind. He longed for the blood of others. But he only went for member of our religion, since our God has the tail of a cat. He loated cats, being a dog and all." Hidan almost shuddered. "Our first leader was walking around innocently, when the dog king found him. He hunted him into a corner... then... then..."
"Then...?" Kakuzu prodded.
"The dog lowered his nose to our leaders pants... and... and..." a smile creeped onto Hidans face. "He BIT HIS JEWELS!"
Kakuzu sighed loudly.
Hidan had a ridiciously stupid smile on his face. "Get it?! Pants?! Jewels?! Bit his jewels?!"
"I GET IT! Ugh, I knew I shouldn't have asked..."
Hidan laughed like crazy. "Oh oh oh, Kakuzu, he hold plenty of our religious artifacts in our pants, as well as everyday items. I mean sometimes when I want a snack, I just..." he let out another loud laugh. "REACH DOWN FOR SOME NUTS!" Hidan fell down on his back from laughter. "That's where I store my nuts! IN MY PANTS! HAHAHAHAHAHA!"
Kakuzu cut off Hidan's arm and started walking down the sidewalk.
"OW Goddamnit!" Hidan watched at the departing Kakuzu. "Oh come on! That was funny! Bit his jewels! Reach down for some nuts! That's good stuff! Come on, don't be a spoil sport!"
>
"Hello, is this the uhh... Inuzuka residence?" Kakuzu asked the lady who opened the door. She had short hair and red markings on her face. Hidan stood next to him, running his arm where Kakuzu had reattached it.
"Yes this is. You must be the dog walkers!"
"Yeah, that's us. Bring out the demon..." Hidan said sadly. Kakuzu elbowed him in the ribs. "OW! I mean, where is the cute little doggy?"
"I'll go get him." the lady replied, walking back inside. "Here Akamaru!" they heard her call out.
"Akamaru? Well, that's a cute name for a dog..." Kakuzu said.
Hidan started to reply, until he saw the bohemoth of a dog that stood before him. His witty replied turned in to; "What the fuck are you feeding that thing?!"
The lady grabbed him by the collar and dragged him closer. "Usually bodies of people he doesn't like!" she replied in a dangerous tone.
Hidan smiled weakly. "W-W-Why, what a c-cute little dog-doggy... heh... heh heh..."
>
Hidan and Kakuzu walked the dog... if you could call it that. It was more like "chased" the dog. Akamaru ran amazingly fast for a dog his size, and the leash broke ten seconds into the walk. It took them ten minutes to catch up.
"We... really need... to have... a better... system..." Hidan said between breaths.
"I have my doubts that this is worth ten dollars..." Kakuzu muttered.
"Maybe... maybe we should... we should... gasp" Hidan desperatly focused on breathing.
"Tsk, seriously. You should spend less time praying and more time excersizing. You're already out of breath? That's pitiful for a shinobi."
"Easy... for you... to say... you have... five fucking hearts..." Hidan breathed. "And you forget... I've had... a punctured lung..."
"Oh, don't try to make me feel sorry for you. You're the one who punctured it yourself. You and your suicide complex."
"It's not a suicide complex! It's a ritual!"
"Aww, do you lock yourself in the closet at night? Listening to the Cure and slitting your wrists?"
"SHUT UP!"
"Hey... what's the dog doing?"
"I SAID SHUT - huh?"
They both looked over at Akamaru, who turned in a circle a couple of times before squated down in the grass.
Hidan raised and eyebrow as he stepped closer. "What's he- EWWWW!"
Kakuzu couldn't help but laugh as Hidan stumbled back, coughing at the sight and the smell. "Oh, don't be such a wimp."
"It's bigger than my head! Oh my God!"
Kakuzu dared a look over at it. "...Ewwwww..."
>
The two Akatsuki looked at the mountain of a shit that lay before them in a sort of reverand silence.
"...well, what are you waiting for Hidan? Pick it up!"
"Fuck that, you pick it up!"
"Hell, I ain't touching that crap! Err, no pun intended."
"Well I sure as hell ain't getting any closer to- oh come on! You just went to the bathroom you stupid dog!"
>
Kiba walked to the door to answer it; if rather slowly. He had sustained an injury on mission, and hadn't been able to walk Akamaru for a few days. From what he heard, they had gotten a new dog walker. He wanted to met them.
He opened to door and saw Akamaru happily leap in and start licking his face. At the doorway, he saw two men in black cloaks and a big black trash bag on the ground next to them.
"Thanks for walking Akamaru for me... erm..."
"Kakuzu."
"Hidan."
Their voices sounded devoid of any emotion. Like they carried a huge emotion scar on them...
"Ummm... what's in the bag?"
Hidan picked up the bag and dropped it inside the house. It landed with a squishing noise.
"This is your 'pet's' extrements."
Kiba. "Oh." then his eyes widdened. "ooOOHHhh..."
Kiba looked out behind them, raising an eyebrow. "Hey, I didn't know we had a pond across the street!"
Hidan scoffed and started walking away. "Yeah? Well ya do now."
Kakuzu shook his head sadly and followed him.
Kiba titled his head questioningly, then understood. "EWWWWW! Bad Akamaru! Bad!"
>
"Sempai! Sempaisempaisempaisempai! Lookie lookie!" Tobi jumped circles around Zetsu excitedly.
Zetsu sighed. "What?"
Tobi held up his hand with something in it. "I found a rock!"
Zetsu looked around at the gravel driveway they were standing in. "Well no shit."
Tobi scanned the area with a hand over his eyes (well, eyehole). "You're right, I don't see shit anywhere."
Zetsu banged his head against the car. This wasn't going well.
It wasn't a bad car persay. Just a complete mess. Zetsu could see why the '01 Ford Contour needed a good wash. But Tobi kept coming up with the most ridiciously of things to take up his time.
"Sempai! Look at that!"
"If it's another rock, I'm just going to eat it... and you."
"No, it looks like a fire!"
Zetsu turned around and looked where Tobi was pointing. Indeed, there was a pillar of smoke off in the distance. "That's because it is a fire, Tobi." Zetsu replied wearily. But interestingly enough, it was in the direction of where Itatchi and Kisame we're supposed to be working...
It was that moment where he caught a small pillar of dirt blow up towards the sky, and small objects raining down with it.
"I got a bad feeling about this... come on Tobi, let's hurry up."
"Okay!" Tobi stripped off all his clothes and started rubbing his chest against the water on the car windshield.
"Tobi, what in the name of hell are you doing?!"
"I'm washing the car, just like those pretty ladies did the day we went to Gophy Gopher World!"
Zetsu thudded his head against the side of the car. It was going to be a loooooong day.
>
"Okay, we all did fine jobs today. Even though we had..." Pein coughed. "Unorthadox methods, the point is we got the job done, and we raised a bit of money."
Pein turned towards Kakuzu, who was standing next to a graph chart and a laser pointer. "Kakuzu, as our acting treasurer due to his money keeping abilities, will give us a conclusion report on Odd Job Akatsuki, day one. Kakuzu?"
Pein stepped to the side to let Kakuzu speak. Kakuzu cleared his throat. "Well, with Itatchi and Kisame mowing lawns, Deidara helping out the farming community... with clay aparently..."
"Hey, hey, Deidara-sempai! Would you say you did a fine job?" Tobi snickered. "Or better yet... a hand job?!"
"Hey, SHUT UP TOBI!"
"Hey, look man, what you do you in your free time..."
"SHUT UP!"
Kakuzu cleared his throat again, a little louder this time. "And with me and Hidan dog walking and Tobi and Zetsu running a car wash, we earned a grand total of..." he pointed the laser light at a portion of the graph. "Thirty seven dollars!"
There was a light applause from the members, mixed with enthusiastic applause and cheering and whooting from Pein.
Kakuzu looked around nervously. "But umm... well..." he coughed. "With a few costs and issues that arose..."
"What are you talking about?" Pein asked stermly.
Kakuzu sighed. "Well, with the costs it took to repair the neighborhood Itatchi-san blew up, and the money needed to pay the farmer back for his carrot garden and property damage... city costs to remove the 'pond' the dog walkers caused and the lawsuit of the kid blown up by the blind guy-"
"I CAN SEE FINE!"
"-it looks like we've been set back to..." Kakuzu pointed at another area of the graph. "Four thousand, three hundred and twenty two dollars and eighteen cents, falling a bit short of our one million dollar goal."
Everyone gulped and inched back nervously.
Pein burried his face in his hands. This was going to be harder than he thought...
>
End notes; Well, it's like taking two steps foward and three steps back. OR, 4,322 steps back... yeah.
Once again, please read and review. Glad a couple people liked it so far