"Mmmmm..."
"DEIDARA! STOP MAKING OUT WITH YOUR HAND AND LISTEN!" Pein yelled in frustration.
Deidara startled up and turned around. "H-Hey, I wasn't-"
"Look, what you do in-"
"I WAS COUGHING!"
Pein sighed. "Whatever. Look, I need you to go out to the store..."
"Why?"
"Cause we're low on food, why else? Unless you want to live on Ritz for the next month, you'll go to the store."
"Awww, why do I have to go? Send someone else... yeah."
"I can't."
"Why not?"
Pein liften Deidara to his feet by his collar. "I can't send Zetsu, cause he'll eat out the store. Literally. I can't send Itachi, unless you plan on eating tampons for a month."
"I can see fine!" Itachi called as he passed Deidara's door.
"Kisame can't go, cause we all know how he cries when he sees the seafood. It's sunday, so Hidan won't go, and Kakuzu will take the money and claim he was robbed. That just leaves you and Tobi. And Tobi would have us feasting on nothing but candy." Pein pushed Deidara towards the door. "You're the only one I can trust." He handed Deidara a check.
Deidara was touched. "Wow, really? I always thought you hated-"
"And bring Tobi with you. He's driving me crazy."
"Asshole... yeah."
Kisame lazily scratched his rear, then dipped his hand into the popcorn bowl.
"Ewww. Like, gross." Kakuzu made a retching face.
"What, something wrong with my hand?" Kisame asked.
"You don't scratch your ass then grab some popcorn!"
"Why not?"
"You just don't!"
Kisame had an evil smile. "What, don't like my poo-poo covered hands?" He reached over and rubbed his hand in Kakuzu's face.
"EWWWWW! STOP IT STOP IT STOP IT!" Kakuzu pushed away Kisame's hand. Kisame pushed away Kakuzu's arms.
Then the two started a cat-slap fight.
"I'm surrounded by girls..." Zetsu sighed.
"I want to eat them." Zetsu replied.
"No, no eating the women."
"You're all so immature..." Itachi said as he waltzed into the room. He sat down on the empty seat on the couch and looked at the TV. "ZOMG SPONGEBOB!"
"Itachi! Kisame scratched his buuuuttttt and rubbed in my faaaaaaccee. Punish him." Kakuzu whined his best whine.
"Who lives in a pinapple under the sea? Sponge Bob Square Pants!" Itachi happily sung along and waved his arms in the air.
Zetsu sighed again, and walked out of the room.
"Where are you going?" Kisame asked.
"I'm going to die now."
Kakuzu took Kisame's distraction to punch Kisame's arm.
"Ow! Itachi! He hit me!"
"He hit me first!"
"Did not!"
"Did so!"
"Did not!"
"Did so!"
"WOULD YOU TWO SHUT UP? I'M TRYING TO WATCH TV!"
"You can't even see the damn TV!" Hidan said as he walked in. "How'd you even know what's on?"
"If you must know, Sponge Robert of the Square Shaped Slacks has a distinctive yellow color." Itachi replied in his high and mighty tone. "And I can see fine." He reached for some popcorn...
"Ack! You PERVERT ITACHI!"
"It was an accident!"
Kakuzu took this other distraction to punch Kisame's arm again. Kisame responded by stabbing him with a kunai.
Everyone gasped.
"Oh my God! You killed Kakuzu!" Itachi exclaimed.
"You BASTARD!" Hidan shouted.
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Please wait, the writer of this story is being sued for copyright infrignment. We apologize for any inconvience.
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Pein walked into the room to see all his prized men fighting with each other.
"Pein! Pein! Kisame killed Kakuzu!" Hidan shouted urgently.
"Oh, Kakuzu dies all the time." Pein said. He grabbed the remote to the TV.
"No! I'm watching Spongebob!" Itachi whined and reached for the remote. Pein was taller than him, unfortunatly for Itachi.
"Gimme gimme gimme!"
Zetsu walked back into the room.
"No Itachi, I wanna watch Power Rangers!"
Zetsu left the room.
"Deida! Deida! DeidaDeidaDeidaDeidaDeidaDeidaDeidaDeidaDeida! Can we- Can we- Can we get Fruity Pebbles? I want Fruity Pebbles! I want Fruity Pebbles!"
"No, you want the Hot Wheels that comes with it... yeah."
"No, I swear I swear I swear! I want the Fruity Pebbles!"
"I said no, now put it back."
Tobi clutched the box, ran circles around the shopping cart and started crying. Everyone turned around to see the commotion.
Deidara winced. "OKAY YOU CAN HAVE THE FRUITY FUCKING PEBBLES!"
"Yay!"
An old lady walked up to Deidara and slapped him. "You ought to be ashamed of yourself! Using such horrible language in front of your child."
"My what?!"
"You are a horrible mother!" The old lady stormed away.
"I'm a WHAT?!?"
"Itachi."
"Hmm..."
"Itachi!"
"What?"
"There's a fly on your hand."
Itachi looked at his hand. Then he looked closer. Then he squinted his eyes. He did kinda sorta see a black dot. "I got it..."
He pulled out a kunai and took aim.
"Uhhh... Itachi?"
"Shh! You'll scare it away!"
Kisame sighed.
Itachi brought the kunai down on his hand. "Mep!" He bit his lips and his eyes went wide. His whole body was tense, and a few tears leaked from his eyes.
"Itachi?"
"Hm?"
"Want a band-aid?"
"Yes please."
Pein overlooked his files on his laptop, all kept nice in neat in a folder named "My secret awesome plans. Do not open."
He was currenlty in a subfolder called Odd Job Akatsuki. He had a lot of new jobs in, despite the property damage and loss of life the other day. He had to reformulate the working orders so he wouldn't have repeats of last time.
He heard a knock on his door.
"Come in." he called, not really paying much attention.
Hidan walked in, getting a good look at Pein's room for the first time. His walls were covered with heavy metal posters.
"Ummm, Kakuzu hasn't gotten up yet."
"He'll be fine."
"And Itachi stabbed his hand with a kunai."
"He'll be- what?"
"He stabbed his hand with a kunai."
THUD
Pein's head hit the desk.
"He was trying to kill a fly." Hidan explained.
"He'll manage, I hope. Anything else?"
"Well... I was wondering..."
Pein stared at him. "Wondering what?"
"Well, you said that we were doing these odd jobs because we have no money, but I was thinking; couldn't we just steal the money? I mean, we're fucking ninjas. We're supposed to be good a stealth and stuff."
"Well, actually-"
"We really could just go destroy the bank and take all the money! Then all we'd have to do is walk down to the bank and deposit it! We'd be rich!"
Pein stared at Hidan.
Hidan grinned widely.
"I'm going to have a more intelligent conversation with this wall now. Please don't talk to me. Ever."
Deidara's eyes scanned down the list. He had just about everything needed. He looked at the aisle next to him, and saw a small section of condoms.
He raised an eyebrow curiously. "Con...doms?" he whispered quietly to himself. He quickly pushed his cart over to the boxes and picked one up, reading it.
It wasn't food, aparently.
Deidara mumbled to himself as he read. " 'Rubber Sock condoms, only the best in safe sex practices...' " he flipped the box around. 'Safe sex? I've had plenty of sex, and I never got hurt...' he thought. He opened the box and pulled out a tiny square wrapped condom. Then a thought hit him. 'What if my... personal activites are unsafe?' He slowly lifted up his hand and looked at it. A tongue slipped out of the lips and licked the exterior of his hand hungrily.
Deidara shrugged. "Better safe than sorry." he muttered as he tossed the box into the cart. The condom he was holding fell onto the floor. He bended over to pick it up.
"Candy?! Deidara-sempai, you're getting us candy?! YAY YAY YAY!" Tobi jumped up and down excitedly as he clutched the condom he picked up off the floor.
"Tobi, that's not-"
"Huh, Deida? I've never heard of Condom before. Is it good?"
Tobi's loud voice carried through the rest of the store, and everyone turned their heads to look at them.
Deidara sighed. "Pein, you asshole..."
Kisame lazed over the couch warily. Hidan was sprawled over the recliner and Itachi was lying down on the floor. Kakuzu was next to him, still passed out.
The TV was blared out an infomercial.
"Hey, change the channel Hidan." Kisame said lazily.
"You change the channel." Hidan replied.
"I ain't changin' the channel. Itachi, change the channel."
"Change the channel yourself, I ain't changin' the channel." Itachi replied.
"Well, I ain't changin' it either..."
They all sighed.
"I'm bored..." Hidan said.
"Me too." Kisame replied.
Itachi didn't say anything. He just stared at the ceiling. Then he jumped up. "I got an idea!"
Kisame and Hidan sat up. "What?" Kisame asked.
"We can play spin the bottle!"
"..."
"..."
"I said I was bored, not gay." Hidan replied.
"My turn!" Itachi said, as he leaned over and spun the bottle.
"I said I was-"
"We heard you the first time..." Kisame said.
Zetsu carefully inched back a bit. How he got dragged into this was beyond him.
The bottle stopped, pointed at the wall.
"Okay Zetsu, here I come!" Itachi crawled over to the wall.
"Ummm. Itachi?"
"Shut up Kisame."
Itachi puckered up his lips, leaned forward, and kissed the wall outlet.
Pein put the finishing touches on his new documents. "And now to save them..." he mumbled.
Suddenly, his lights cut out, and his laptop screen cut off. Then the lights clicked on and the laptop booted back up.
"Any unsaved dated you previously had has been lost."
"...NNNNOOOOOOOOOOO!"
The three Akatsuki members looked down at the frazed, charged body of Itachi.
"Well, fuck. What do we do now?" Hidan asked.
"I don't want to touch him. He may still be carrying a bit of static, and I'm kinda... well, wet." Kisame said.
"I could eat him." Zetsu said.
"We're not eating him." Zetsu replied.
"Come on, just a small bite?" Zetsu asked.
"No." Zetsu said sternly.
"Awww..."
Pein walked in, angered. "What the hell did you guys do?!" he asked (well, yelled).
"Well, we were playing spin the bottle, and Itachi kissed the outlet thinking it was Zetsu."
Pein let out a long winded sigh. "I need new subordinates..." he mumbled as he left the room.
Deidara put the last of the groceries away. He had used every last cent available for the groceries possible, but they wouldn't go hungry for a while.
Except for his own little purchase, which he hid under his bed with his "Inspiration Collection".
Kakuzu walked into the mess hall, still a little dazed from getting stabbed. "Pein wants you in the den."
"Alright, yesterday we had a few... setbacks while we were working the field." Pein said, addressing all members of the Akatsuki. "I thought about it, and came up with the hypothesis that the problem wasn't the jobs, but who I assigned them to. The teams were all wrong."
He stopped and flourished a set of papers. "So, you will no longer be working with your current partners. I'm rearranging the orders of the teams and giving you new assignments."
That received a round of moans.
"Now I realize this will create some difficulties, since you are all used to working with your current partners, but I have faith in that you will all come through with flying colors."
"Pein! Pein!"
Pein sighed. "Yes, Tobi?"
"Do you have any Condoms on you? I'm hungry!"
Everyone slowly turned their heads towards Tobi. Kakuzu and Zetsu, who were on either side of Tobi, slowly inched away.
Pein raised an eyebrow. "Well, if you're hungry, and want condoms, you should join Deidara during his 'alone time'."
"I WASN'T DOING ANYTHING!"
"Whateve-"
"Yeah yeah yeah..." Deidara mumbled.
Pein walked over to his Akatsuki soldiers. "So, here are your new assignments; Itachi and Deidara, you'll be cleaning the house of 'Uzamaki N.'. Tobi and Hidan, you'll be babysitting."
"BABYSITTING?!" Hidan asked with his jaw dropped.
"Eww, I don't want to sit on infants!"
Pein glared at them. "Anyways, Kisame and Kakuzu; you two get to work on the plumbing of the Haruno's. Zetsu, you and Zetsu will be rewiring the power outlets at an elderly couples house."
Pein finished handing out the assignments. "Now, I assume nobody has any problem with these arrangements...?"
Everyone raised there hands.
"...well, I don't care!"
End notes; Yeah, this chapter didn't come out so well in my opinion. But maybe you'll think differently ;. Anyways, please read and review