Itachi had killed his entire clan, but even he couldn't imagine why someone would do something so horrible. "This is... a massacre..."
The two stared at each other, before they slowly turned their heads back to the dirtiest room ever in the existance of time itself.
The clothes were draped over chairs and thrown about the floor. Melted ice cream was smeared on the walls and floor. The toilet was backed up... into the whole house, so aparently Naruto had been using the floor as a toilet subsitute. Deidara inched away from a suspicious looking puddle near his feet.
The wallpaper was peeling, and once upon a time Naruto had aparently stuffed pudding and mashed potatoes underneath it. The mix was oozing out of the holes in the wall.
And this was only a taste of the awesome mess that lay before them.
Itachi knew it was up to him to be the team leader. "Hey, Deidara. It's up to me to be the team leader. You get to work cleaning up the crap on the floor (literally), and I will get to work 'cleaning' the fridge'."
"Umm... okay... yeah." Deidara cautiously moved into the house.
Itachi chuckled as he walked over to the fridge and looked in. "EEEKKKKK!"
"What's wrong?!"
Itachi slammed the door shut. "I don't know, but all I know is it has eight legs, four eyes and pointy objects poking out of it's skin!"
>
Zetsu followed the loose wires to a small hole in the corner of the wall. Since the wires had been smooth clean all through, the break in the wiring must be inside the walls itself.
He sighed. That means to even find out what the problem is, if any, he would have to take the walls down. Which means he might have to replace them (of course, he would charge extra for that).
"Well, I guess I might as well start with my tools..."
"Tools? Just eat the wall!"
"We're not going to eat the wall."
"Awww, I wanna eat the wall! It's quicker!"
"Hey, I'm in charge, and I say that we are not going to eat the wall!"
>
After Zetsu finished eating the wall, he started once again on his search for a break in the electrical wiring. It took him some time, but he found what he assumed to be the problem.
There was this thing, when attached to this one thing attached to the other thing which allowed the power to get to the main thing.
Or, in terms of those who know what they're doing, there was a connector that connected the wires to it and on the other side, meet up with the same colored wires to continue to the generator.
The problem was, All the wires had come loose. There were three wires; red, blue and green. The green had to connect to the green, the red to red, and blue to blue. Easy enough, right?
Zetsu's problem was that the connector was worn, so he couldn't see which colors went in which slot.
He looked at the connector intently.
"Well, standardly, red wires usually connect first, right?" he said to himself.
"Right."
"So then, if the left slot is the first slot, that means putting the red wire in..." he put the red wires in, and he heard a small click. He smiled. "That means putting the red wires there starts the power up, just a little bit."
He looked at the remaining wires. "So, that means putting the blue wire in the middle..." he connected the blue wires, and heard a crackle as the lights went off and loud cracks outside the windows as all the lights in the neighborhood cut out.
"...cuts out the neighborhood power grid..."
"... way to go, dumbass..."
>
"Y'know, the name of this job is surprisingly misleading!" Tobi said in his usualy upbeat manner. Hidan had his nose burried in his Dieble. "Whatcha doin'?" Tobi asked.
"I'm reading my Dieble. There must be something to prove this is against my religion... or something allowing me to kill three year olds..." Hidan sighed. "This is insulting..."
"They aren't so bad! And man oh man, they have the coolest toys! Like- like- like one! He has this car! And when you push it, it goes VROOM VROOM!" Tobi hopped up and down excitedly. "It's so cool! I want one! Can I get one? Puh-lease?!"
Hidan closed his Dieble and sighed. "Damnit Pein, you didn't leave it two people babysitting two kids. You left it one person babysitting three!"
"Uhhh... Hidan? I think they left something in the bathroom..."
Hidan looked at one of the kids, who had a wide grin on his face.
"I went poopie!"
"Oh hell no..."
>
Hidan was sick of always getting the shit jobs.
Literally.
"For the love of Janshin, he's like, two feet tall! How'd he get it on the ceiling?!"
"Ooohhhhhh! There's something shiney in this one!"
"Ew."
Tobi tossed to poop clod into the big trash bag and happily went around gathering the stray poop covering near the whole bathroom. "Wow, there's a lot of poopies for such a little guy! Where do you suppose he keeps it all?"
Hidan sighed. "I'm glad I'm close to a toilet..."
"D'ya 'spose he actually picked it out of the toilet? Cause it doesn't feel all that wet..." Tobi mentioned as he squeezed another clod. The greenish excrement oozed out of his fingers, making Hidan want to puke on the spot.
"Y'know what Tobi? Why don't you keep up here? Someone should keep an eye on the kids."
"Okay! Tobi's a good boy!"
"Err, right. I'll be watching the kids."
Hidan walked out, but not before a small smudge of poop hit his cheek; one that had flown off Tobi's fingers as he enthusiastically waved good-bye.
Hidan stopped at the kitchen sink and rinsed his hands thoroughly, and then cleaned his face three times; just to be safe. He was drying his face when something hit the back of his neck. He looked up a bit with a questioning look.
A small brown drop fell in front of his eyes.
He slowly raised his head towards the ceiling. "Son... of..a...bitch!"
>
Kakuzu and Kisame stared at the toilet. They had... no idea what the hell they were supposed to do.
"Do something."
"You do something."
They continued to stare.
"Try flushing it." Kisame suggested.
"It's broken dumb shit! That's why we're here!" Kakuzu replied.
"Well, I didn't hear you suggest anything!" Kisame accused.
Kakuzu looked down at the toilet again. "Maybe it's just clogged... hand me the plunger."
Kisame reached over and grabbed an old, moldy looking plunger and handed it to Kakuzu.
"Sometimes ya got to..." Kakuzu mumbled as he plunged the plunger into the toilet. It took a moment until they heard a small plop, and the water started to drain.
Kakuzu smiled proudly. "See? Nothing to it."
Then they heard another, louder plop, and watched as the water returned, in a smelly, brownish red color. The toilet was gurgling something fierce, sounding more like a wild animal.
"I think you angered it." Kisame said quietly.
"Maybe it's supposed-"
SPLASH!
Kisame and Kakuzu startled back as a small pop of the brown liquid exploded out from the depths of the toilet.
"The hell was that?" Kakuzu asked.
"I've got a baaad feeling about this..." Kisame replied.
Then a clod of crap burst out of the toilet, hitting Kisame square on the face.
"Oh, shit!"
Kakuzu fell over laughing.
"You know there was no pun intended!"
>
"Oh my God!"
"What?"
"He wears diapers!" Deidara broke out into laughing.
Itachi rolled his eyes. Some people could be so immature.
"Dude, that's pathetic. He's like, fifteen, right?" Deidara walked into the kitchen carrying the box of diapers.
"Hey, maybe it's smart. I'm mean, we're ninja. And on a mission, we don't have time for potty breaks." Itachi replied.
"Potty breaks?" Deidara raised an eyebrow.
"Err, I mean- umm... err..." Itachi stuttered.
A sly smile crept over Deidara's lips. "Do... you... Omigod, Uchiha Itachi wears diapers?!"
"I DO NOT!"
"I can't wait to tell the guys... yeah."
Itachi grabbed Deidara by the collar. "You won't say a word to them! I only started wearing them since the Zetsu incident, okay?!" His eyes went Sharingan.
Deidara knew that was a bad sign, so he backed off. "Fine fine..." he mumbled. He tossed the box into the trash and went back to cleaning. After a bit, Itachi heard him snicker.
Itachi sighed. "What?"
"Do you wear Pampers or Huggies?"
"SHUT UP DEIDARA!"
>
It took Zetsu a while to get the power restored to the block. And he only ate two people while doing it. A new personal low.
He fixed the wiring with the correct colors this time, so he only had one job left; installing a new wall.
He had no idea how to do that.
"Hey, don't we use earth jutsu?"
"Yeah, why?"
"Why not just make a new wall? Like, a rock wall?"
"Because wouldn't a rock wall be a little inconspicious?"
"They're old! They won't notice!"
"They're old, not blind."
"The husband is."
"That's not the point."
"In fact, the wife is too."
"Oh shut up."
"Make me."
That was all the provacation Zetsu needed. He swung a punch, connecting with his stomach.
"Oh... oh it's on!"
Zetsu kicked his own butt, causing him to fall flat on the floor. He was soon rolling on the ground, hitting himself over and over.
"I'M GOING TO EAT YOUR SORRY ASS!"
"YOU EAT ME, YOU EAT YOURSELF SMARTASS!"
Soon he had himself pinned against the wall, arms at his throat.
"Let me go you bastard!"
"Let yourself go!"
It was time to go to extremes; with one quick motion, he hammered down on his crotch.
That was a bad idea.
>
"Can we have some ice cream?"
"No."
"Can we have some ice cream?"
"No."
"Can we have some ice cream?"
"No."
"Can we have some ice cream?"
"No."
"Can we have some ice cream?"
"Hey Tobi, don't join in with them!"
Tobi started stomping around the room. "I WANT ICE CREAM! I WANT ICE CREAM! NOW NOW NOW!"
The two kids started following his example. Hidan burried his face in his hands. "Janshin, give me strength."
"I WANT ICE CREAM!" Tobi threw the remote at the window, breaking it.
"Tobi! That's a bad Tobi! Now you definatly don't get ice cream!" Hidan scolded.
"Tobi's a GOOD BOY!" Tobi screamed angrily.
"No! Tobi's a bad boy! You go to time out!"
"NO!"
"I said TIME OUT!"
Tobi stubbornly walked over to a chair set up in the corner and sat down; facing the wall.
Hidan was glad to parents got back from work soon.
>
Kakuzu read from the difficult looking instructions, with "Easy help picture instruction."
"The P-Pipe connects to the L-shaped connector as shown in diagram B1, disconnect the brackets with an adjustable wrench and turn it 65 degrees left, and tighten down till pipes are set."
Kisame stared at the diagram, then at Kakuzu. "You know what that means?"
"Yes, and I know how to fix this..." Kakuzu picked up his favorite tool and messed with it a bit.
"... yes, Hank's Plumbing? I need you to come to..."
>
"Mmmm... wow Itachi, I'm so glad you brought them with you!"
"Fool. I always have them with me."
"Oh... heh, right. Damn though, your nuts are so tasty... yeah."
"Well, I grew them myself."
"Of course. I wish my nuts were this good. And my God, are they big! I mean, I've seen a lot of nuts in my life, but these are freaking huge!"
"Yes, all Uchiha's take a certain sense of pride in their nuts. We're known for two things; the Sharingan, and our big, tasty nuts."
"Oh, I can see why! I thought they were kind of moderate, you know? But when I first grabbed your nuts for the first time, I was like 'God damn!' "
"I know, I saw the look on your face. Sometimes, when I'm in public, I like to whip out my nuts and show them to people. I love the compliments."
"You must get a lot. I mean, my nuts are always so small. And the ones I pay for aren't nearly this great... yeah."
"Well, feel free to taste them any time you want."
"Thanks Itachi... in fact, I think I'll have some more of your nuts right now!"
"Okay."
Itachi passed his bag of self grown peanuts to Deidara, who greedily dug into them. "Man Itachi, there is nothing better than stuffing my mouth full of your nuts... yeah."
Itachi smiled proudly. He really did love his own nuts (not to sound vain or anything).
"Don't suck my nuts Deidara, just swallow them. We still have a lot of work to do."
It was true; the house was only about half finished. But the half that was done looked pretty clean. And the pair only vomitted twice! Each...
Itachi stood up, leaving Deidara to his nuts. He looked around to see what was left, when he saw...
"Hey, Deidara."
"Hmm?" Deidara turned his head, his mouth still full with Itachi's nuts.
Itachi pointed to a door, and Deidara followed his finger to a sign on it:
"Naruto's Secret Room of Secrecy. Do Not Enter!"
Deidara's eyes widdened. Itachi wiggled his eyebrows mischeviously.
"Oh... oh no..."
>
Pein collected the cash from each Akatsuki member.
"Electrical job, 75 dollars... babysitting, 48... plumbing, 80..." Pein mumbled to himself. He held out his hand, but felt nothing. He lifted his head and looked around. "Where's Deidara and Itachi? Aren't they done yet?"
"I haven't seen them. Besides, that nine tails brat is a slob."
Pein sighed. "They need to hurry it up then!"
>
"Dude, I don't know about this... yeah." Deidara whispered as they snuck into the 'Secret Room of Secrecy.'
"Look, if there is anything about the kyuubi or the Fourth Hokage in here helpful to us, it's our duty to retrieve it as members of Akatsuki." Itachi replied, fumbling near the walls searching for a light switch. It was dark, but it's doubtful that's the only reason he was having trouble.
"What if he comes back and we're in here? He'll fire us!"
Itachi sighed and flipped on the lights. "For Christ's sake Deidara, you're a bomber! For a rebel, you're not so rebelious..."
Deidara scoffed. "Tsk, I am too rebelious... yeah." he mumbled as he searched through the room, looking for a diary or scroll with information of the sealing of the kyuubi. All he could find were countless ammounts of extra Ramen boxes.
Itachi searched more thoroughly than Deidara, bringing each single object close up and squinting at it.
And squinting harder.
Then turning to Deidara, "I can't read this."
Deidara took the object. "It's a Ramen box. Big surprise..."
Itachi raised an eyebrow. "Really? I thought it was an iPod..."
Deidara looked over his shoulder. "A what now?"
Itachi glanced around nervously. "Errr, nothing."
"Get glasses... yeah."
"I can't."
"Why not?"
"Cause... umm... technically... I... mmmggphhmlbmmm..." Itachi mumbled.
"Do what now?"
Itachi sighed. "Bifocals. I can't where glasses anymore because I would need bifocals."
There was silence.
"Deidara?"
Itachi turned to see Deidara biting down on a box of Ramen, tears streaming down his face, which was turning red.
"Oh shut up."
"I wasn't laughing!"
"Wait..."
"Seriously!"
"Shut up! Listen..."
Deidara leaned towards the door. He heard a door close, and keys fall on a table. His eyes widdened.
"Oh, shit! He's back!"
Itachi panicked. "Whaddo we do? Whaddo we do?!"
Deidara thought quickly. Then snapped his fingers and made a hand seal. "Henge no Jutsu!"
With a poof, Deidara was gone, replaced by a standing lamp.
Itachi ran circles around the room, hands on his head panicking. "Gotta transform, gotta transform, gotta transform... but into what?!"
He looked around. All he saw were blank scrolls and Ramen boxes.
He heard footsteps getting closer...
He closed his eyes...
"Henge no Jutsu!"
>
Naruto entered his secret room of secrecy. He called it that to hide where he kept his secret Ramen stash.
"Nope, nobody'll get their hands on my ramen!" He had said.
Little did he know, that no one actually wanted his ramen...
He stepped into the room. It was a mess, but hell, so was the rest of the house. He shrugged. "Guess the cleaners didn't get here yet..."
He walked over to a cabinet and opened it, reaching in and pulling out an orange covered book...
"I can't believe Kakashi-sensei left his book here when I invited him over..." he said to himself. He turned to leave, then stopped.
"Wait..."
Deidara-lamp had a bead of sweat travel down his bulb.
Itachi was practically shaking. Not literally though.
Naruto looked around suspiciously. "... I don't remember inviting Kakashi-sensei over!"
He shrugged, and moved for the door. If they could have, Itachi and Deidara would have sighed with relief.
Naruto stopped next to Deidara. "Wait..."
Deidara now had small beads of sweat traveling down to the floor.
Naruto turned to him and stared at him closely.
Deidara sweated.
Naruto stared.
Deidara sweated.
Naruto stared. "... that's a nice lamp!"
He turned back to the door.
Deidara felt like he was going to die.
Itachi couldn't stand the pressure.
"Wait..."
'Oh, for the love of God!' Itachi wanted to scream.
Naruto walked over to Itachi and looked down.
Itachi wanted to squirm.
It's hard for bowls of Ramen to squirm, though.
"... I don't remember making Ramen..."
There was a small pool underneath Deidara.
Naruto stared at Itachi-ramen, shrugged, and sat down.
"Best not let it go to waste!" he said cheerfully.
'NNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!' Itachi inwardly screamed. He could do nothing but watch as the chopsticks got closer to the bowl...
>
Deidara made sure that Naruto was completely out of the house before breaking off the transformation and rushing over to the table.
"...Itachi...?" He quietly creeped his eyes.
It was... an awful site...
The bowl was empty.
"Itachi? Oh God, Itachi!"
There was silence.
"This isn't funny dude, ITACHI! ANSWER ME DAMN YOU!"
Silence.
A tear fell down Deidara's face.
"Itachi... Itachi, no! NNNOOOOOOOOO!"
>
Hidan walked into the room, hearing only choking gasps and someone yelling "COUGH IT UP! COUGH IT UP, YOU BASTARD!"
Hidan looked to the side to see Pein on top of Zetsu, who had fallen over the couch. Pein had his arms around Zetsu's neck.
"SPIT IT OUT, NOW!!" Pein yelled.
"No!" Zetsu managed through the chokes.
"What the hell are you doing?!" Hidan asked.
"He ate our money!" Tobi said excitedly.
Hidan fell to the ground with a thud.
"GIVE IT BACK!"
"Never!"
There was a bang. Everyone turned to see Deidara, fallen at the doorway.
"Oh God, Deidara!" Pein yelled as he rushed to help his underling. Deidara wasn't hurt thankfully, but he was covered in dirt and tears.
"What happened?" Kisame asked.
"The nine tails... the nine tails!" Deidara choked through sobs.
"Get it together man! What happened?" Pein said.
"I was a lamp... the bowl was empty... oh the emptiness of the bowl! HE WAS AN EMPTY BOWL!" Deidara blurted out in cries.
Everyone looked around, eyebrows raised. Tobi raised a small blue WTF? flag.
"The nine tails jinchuruuki is an empty bowl?" Kakuzu asked.
Zetsu coughed. A ten dollar bill fell from his mouth.
Kakuzu leaped onto the bill.
Pein didn't even care.
SMACK!
"Ow!" Deidara cried out.
"Come on! You're an Akatsuki! Bear it and tell us what happened! And just where the hell in Itachi?!"
Deidara sniffled. "That's just it! We were hiding from the nine tails. I transformed into a lamp... and... and..."
"...and?"
"AND ITACHI BECAME A BOWL OF RAMEN AND THE NINE TAILS ATE HIM!!!"
There was silence.
Then a thud as Hidan fell again.
>
End notes: Just to let everyone know; I don't hate Itachi. In fact, he's my second favorite Akatsuki (next to my widdle Deidara-chan).
Thanks for the reviews. Special out to theevilruler99. Don't worry, I wasn't sick of you at all Just glad to have a constant reader .
Again, please read and review and let me know what you think! Next chapter will be up sooner than you think ;)