Pein looked around sadly. Everyone was dressed in black. Well... they were always dressed in black. But today, they had good reason. All the Akatsuki members had their head bowed.
Except a confused Tobi, who was staring at the ceiling.
Pein sighed. "We will now have each member come up to the casket and say a few words about our fallen comrade, who was another victim to noontime snacking."
Pein stepped to the side, head bowed.
>
Zetsu looked down at the casket. It was empty, but it was just there as symbolization. He bowed to it respectfully before addressing the other members.
"Uchiha Itachi... such a sad fate it is, to be eaten by another." Zetsu fought back tears. "My only regret is that I... was not the one... who ate you."
Pein slapped himself in the head.
Zetsu wiped a tear from his cheek. "You always looked so damned delicious! Why God, Why?!"
Zetsu started back to his place with the other members, but stopped and looked at the casket one last time.
"...Uchiha Itachi... rot in hell, you bastard."
"HAVE SOME RESPECT ZETSU!"
>
Hidan addressed his fellow Akatsuki gravely. "Well, Uchiha Itachi... what can be said about Uchiha Itachi?" He paused in his speach. "Well, he was a blind ol' shit."
Everyone waited for him to continue.
and waited...
and waited...
Hidan looked at everyone. Hidan returned to his seat.
Pein raised an eyebrow.
>
"I'm Tobi!"
Pein stared at him.
"... I'm Tobi!"
"We know who you are, Tobi."
"Oh... I'm a good boy!"
Pein sighed. He had been to a lot of funerals. This one sucked.
"To be honest, I don't remember why I'm up here!" Tobi said.
"To pay your respects to Itachi."
Tobi looked around. "I owed him money?"
"No Tobi, he's dead."
"Who's dead?"
"Itachi."
"Itachi died?!"
Pein slapped his forehead. "Yes, he died! We're at his funeral!"
"Funeral? Who's?"
"Itachi's!"
"Itachi? I don't see him anywhere!"
"That's cause we're at his funeral!"
"Funeral? Who died?!"
"Itachi died?!"
"YES, ITACHI DIED!"
"Oh my God! Shouldn't we have a funeral or something?!"
"WE'RE AT HIS FUNERAL!"
"Who's funeral?"
"Itachi's!"
"Itachi's what?"
"Itachi's FUNERAL!"
"Itachi's holding a funeral?"
"No, WE'RE AT HIS FUCKING FUNERAL!!"
"Who's?"
"Itachi!"
"Itachi? What about him?"
"HE DIED DUMB SHIT!"
"Itachi died?! When?!?"
"Nevermind, NEXT!"
>
Kisame used a tissue to wipe forming tears from his eyes. He had been listing all the things about Itachi he missed.
"And I remember how whenever I'd be swimming out in the pool... and Itachi would dip his feet in the water..." Kisame sniffled. "A-And... he'd take bits of bread... and... and he'd t-toss them into the w-water... and I'd swim up to the surface... and eat them and swim back..."
Kisame looked up to see everyone staring at him.
"... I'm not a fish!"
Everyone stared at him.
"I'm not!"
Everyone stared at him.
"Seriously!"
Everyone stared at him.
"... you guys suck." Kisame walked off angrily.
>
Deidara looked down at the casket with a sigh. "And y'know Itachi... I regret that we didn't spend more time together... you know? I mean, we're both pretty held back guys, and I just don't feel we truly expressed our true feelings for each other..."
Deidara placed a hand on the casket. "But, maybe in death you can truly know what I felt about you." he shook his head. "I just... wished I had let you know... Itachi... I just want you to know how much I truly... truly... truly... hated you."
Deidara sighed. "Yes, Itachi, I truly did hate you. And I always did. With every living fiber in my body, I hated you. I hated you with my heart and soul. And I often thought... think... that maybe... just maybe... you... hated me too... at least, I felt you did."
Deidara burst into tears. "Oh God Itachi, I hated you so damn much! I only wanted you to hate me back!"
Everyone raised an eyebrow.
Deidara composed himself and started back to the seat. "Farewell, my hate. I hope you find peace in the next world. The peace one gets, when a firey demon eats their testicles."
Deidara bent over and gave the casket a kiss. Then, he placed each hand on the casket, and each hand gave it a kiss.
Tobi raised his little blue WTF? flag.
>
Kakuzu looked around. "Umm... yeah, Itachi! Yeah? Helluva guy, huh? Sometimes, I'd like to think of myself as his best friend in the world."
He tugged on his collar and a bead of sweat fell down his face. "Which should justify why he left me all his wordly possesions in his will!"
Pein looked at him suspiciously. "What... will?"
Kakuzu handed him a piece of paper nervously. "Errr, I'm sure you see it's legit." He tried to grab it back, but Pein kept it out of reach as he read it.
"I leave all my shineys to Kakuzu, my bestest awesomest friend in the whole wide world! This is my will. It is not fake. It is real. Not fake; real. Real. Signed, Etachy."
Pein looked up at Kakuzu.
Kakuzu smiled nervously.
"This is fake."
"No it's not!"
"Yes, it is. First off, you wrote that it isn't fake four times. And you mispelt his name."
"Damnit!"
>
Pein went back to the front of the room after the most disrespectful display he had seen in his life. He regarded his followers with dagger eyes.
"Since I'm the only one who seems to be taking the seriously, I'll keep it short and sweet like Itachi would have wanted."
Pein cleared his throat and put his hands behind his back, addressing his fellow Akatsuki.
"What can be said about the life of Uchiha Itachi? I can sum it up in one sentence."
He looked down momentarily at the casket before continuing. "Life sucked, then he died. Now let's bury this thing and get back to work!"
>
End notes: I know, short. But hey, I put up two chapters at once, that's why. Again, read and review please and thanks to anyone who's kept up reading.