Title: In Memory's Wake
Author: Cocoa-Snape (aka CocoaSnape)
Pairing: Snape/Harry
Disclaimer: No money is being made and no copyright infringement is intended.
Summary: Through trial and hardship, Snape and Harry have finally found each other. But as Snape's demons reemerge, can their tenuous relationship survive? And when the unthinkable happens, Harry begins to wonder whether Snape wants to forget or needs to.
This story is the sequel to and opens four weeks after 'Light on the Dark Side of Me.' It is not HBP/DH-compliant. Dumbledore will also figure prominently in this tale.
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Story Warnings: Slash (m/m), angst, non-con/rape, explicit sex, language, violence
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In Memory's Wake
by
CocoaSnape
Harry awoke with a smile on his face. He was in Severus's bed, or their bed, as he had now come to think of it. He loved it here – the quiet, the crackling fire, and most of all, Severus's body near him, although at the moment his lover was not in the room. In only a matter of weeks, Harry had become so accustomed to his time in these quarters, he had grown to hate sleeping in Gryffindor Tower. Fortunately, he was allowed to spend nearly all his weeknights here on the guise that he was staying in the hospital wing for nightmares. It was a clever cover story that Dumbledore himself had devised and Harry was extraordinarily grateful.
The weekends, however, were a different story. The parties seemed almost endless, particularly amongst the seventh years, and Harry's absence from social events was already verging on conspicuous. As a result, he was forced to make a show of being present in the common room and the tower on the weekends. And even though it was only two nights a week, those evenings away from Severus felt like torture of the worst kind.
He and Severus may have only been together for a month, but it felt like a great deal longer. Perhaps it was the lengthy road they had taken, the obstacles they had overcome to get to this point that made it seem so. Or maybe it was because they'd been living together for weeks beforehand during the Christmas holidays. That forced confinement (a crazy scheme perpetrated by Dumbledore) had, in fact, forced the pair to communicate about the most difficult of issues in ways that would take most couples years.
Yes, Harry thought, 'content' was definitely the word he would use to describe his life at the moment. Of course there was, and always had been, that looming question of if and when the final confrontation with Voldemort would occur. But now, knowing Severus would be by his side made all the difference and had enabled Harry to put the thought out of his mind and really enjoy his life for perhaps the first time. There was something incredibly comforting in knowing you'd found the person you were going to spend the rest of your life with. Harry had, and he could see himself waking in these quarters from today onward and being the happiest man alive for it.
If there was any pressure in his life, it was Severus taking over Hermione's role of suggesting he study for his N.E.W.T.s and give more thought to what he wanted to do for a career. Harry had no idea. He'd do his best on the N.E.W.T.s, of course. Severus would be livid otherwise. But Harry wasn't caught up in the seventh year mania to plan the course of the rest of one's life in the next few months. He had Severus, and everything else was gravy to him now.
Harry reached for his glasses on the nightstand and called out for Severus. A few moments later, the dark haired man entered the room carrying a tray.
"Good morning."
"What time is it?" Harry asked.
"Still early. We have a few more hours."
Harry breathed a sigh of relief. On Saturdays, he had Quidditch practice right after lunch. After that, he'd need to make himself visible in the Gryffindor common room. And so, it had fast become their tradition to wake up early on Saturday and spend a few quiet hours together before Harry 'left' for the weekend.
Severus sat down on the bed next to Harry and placed the breakfast tray on his lap.
Harry raised his eyebrows at the assortment of bacon, eggs, sausage, and toast. "What did I do to deserve this?" he asked. Severus had never brought him breakfast in bed before. "I think I should be the one serving you after last night."
"Are you feeling alright?" Severus asked with concern.
Ah, so there was his answer. Severus felt guilty and not a little bit anxious. "Severus, stop being silly," Harry began, stuffing a massive bite of eggs into his mouth.
"I think I might have hurt you, Harry. I'm sorry, I was trying to—"
"Please me? Yes, I know. It's exactly what I wanted. Besides, I'm not even sore." Harry paused as realization dawned. "You healed me, didn't you?"
"Well, I certainly wasn't going to leave you like that."
"You could have, you know. That might have been nice, actually," Harry remarked with a smile, shoving two large pieces of bacon and a sliver of toast into his mouth.
"Why do you always eat like you're starving?" Severus asked in a vexed tone, completely belied by the softness in his eyes. Merlin, he'd fallen hard for this young man.
"Maybe because I am. Did you eat?"
"Yes, and a good thing too, otherwise there'd be nothing left," Snape replied with a smirk. The truth was, he rather enjoyed watching Harry eat. The young man took such pleasure in it. It was quite endearing, or at least it had become so to Severus.
"Would you like some more toast?" Severus asked.
Harry looked up and smiled. It was moments like this where the oddity of the situation struck him – the conscious recognition of how lucky he was. He and Severus were together and in love. Only a few months earlier Severus (Snape then) had been an utter arse, the bane of his existence. And now, that very same man was offering him toast and enacting elaborate sexual fantasies all in an effort to please him.
Harry had hinted off and on that he was interested in that particular role-play. The idea was based on a detention fantasy he'd written in his journal many months before the pair had gotten together. After a few weeks of Severus consistently ignoring his requests, however, Harry had taken the hint and stopped asking. But then, on the toes of their one-month anniversary, Severus had asked Harry if he was still interested in the fantasy. Harry had jumped at the chance.
In their time together, they hadn't gone anywhere near that type of sexual play. Sure, Severus could be forceful in bed – he was as demanding a lover as he was generous. He was always tender, and never, ever cruel – even when they just had sex, Severus always made Harry feel they were making love.
And so, it wasn't out of a want for 'more' that had led Harry back to that particular fantasy. He had everything he wanted, and he knew without doubt that Severus was an utter genius in the sack. But there was something about the fact that this had been his very first fantasy of his professor that made it something he wanted to experience – a fantasy forged at a time when Snape hated him, and all Harry could have imagined was a quick, forceful fuck.
The funny thing was, for all his hesitation, Severus had performed the part better than Harry could have envisioned himself. Severus had taken the general idea from the journal entry – the insults, the spanking against his desk, being taken against his will – but he had crafted the remainder of the scenario himself. Harry hadn't even known how much the dirty language would turn him on. But somehow Severus did.
The one thing Harry should have known was that Severus always anticipated his needs better than he did himself.
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Once breakfast was cleared, Severus climbed into bed and asked with a mischievous glint in his eyes, "So, what would you like to do this morning?"
"Hmm, let me think," Harry replied with mock uncertainty before reaching over to pull off Severus's robe.
Severus stopped him. "You have to ask for it, Harry."
"What? Oh. Are you serious?" Harry asked in disbelief. "Lessons in bed?!" At Severus's stern glance he sighed, "Fine! But I think it's got to be against the rules somewhere that you're bribing me with sex!"
Severus smiled as he replied, "If I didn't, Harry, you wouldn't do your lessons at all."
Harry couldn't disagree. He took a moment, then fixed his gaze directly at Severus's eyes, concentrating on forging a connection between them. It took him nearly half a minute, but he finally managed to convey his naughty thoughts to his lover.
"I trust you are aware that you're asking an awful lot for the time allotted. But…" Severus continued with a smile, "seeing as you deserve a reward, I will do my best."
"A reward? For sending you my thoughts?" Harry asked.
"Don't be ridiculous. In that time you should have been able to send me all the thoughts in your head. And that required entirely too much eye contact on your part."
"So what's the reward for then?"
"For that phenomenal shield charm you raised against Malfoy last night," Severus whispered softly while pressing a line of delicate kisses along Harry's neck.
"Oh," Harry groaned. "I was…beginning…to think…you'd forgotten."
"Harry, you should know by now…" Severus replied silkily as he removed his and Harry's robes, "I forget nothing."
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Snape stroked Harry's hair as he slept. Harry did make a habit of passing out after they made love, and Snape ribbed him for it, calling Harry the 'old man' in their relationship. In reply, Harry would simply say something to the effect of, 'I can't help it if I have an amazing lover who makes me pass out from pleasure.' That always shut Snape up – far be it for him to correct Harry's opinion on the matter. It was very important to him that he satisfied Harry in every way, physically and emotionally. Given the roller coaster he'd put Harry through over the past few months, he wanted to make sure Harry wanted for nothing ever again.
That was the reason he'd gone through with the role-playing fantasy last night. Harry had pointed out the entry in his journal on many an occasion and hinted that he was interested enacting some version of it.
Snape hadn't been too keen on the idea of a fantasy involving force, but given it was their one-month anniversary, he decided to put asides his reservations and do this for Harry. Other than his own moral qualms with such a blatant misuse of his classroom, Snape realized that there was no real reason not to give Harry what he desired. It was just a fantasy after all. He had by now recovered fully from his experiences with the Dark Lord and he was doing exceptionally well these days. No reason to make an issue out of nothing. Besides, Snape considered, it was a one-time thing. What harm could it possibly do?
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Harry woke slowly for the second time that morning, but this time, he could feel a warm body pressed against him. He snuggled closer to Severus and sighed happily. He didn't want to move. He knew it was getting late and he'd have to be leaving soon. And that meant three days away from Severus until Monday evening.
At least he had Potions first thing Monday morning and would see Severus then. Oh. Potions would be interesting indeed after what they'd done, Harry considered. Harry's mind focused on the exquisite spanking Severus had delivered last night, and then the image of his lover taking him forcefully against his own desk. It took mere moments before Harry was growing hard against Severus's leg.
"You are incorrigible," came the velvety drawl from somewhere above him.
"It's why you love me."
"That is very true," Snape replied with a chuckle.
"I didn't get a chance to tell you, Severus, how totally amazing last night was."
"I'm glad you found it enjoyable."
"It was more than enjoyable. It was bloody brilliant. You're a genius, you know."
"I am aware," Snape replied, the corners of his mouth twitching slightly.
"Stop it," Harry said as he playfully swatted at Severus. He sat up and put on his glasses. "So do you think we can do that again sometime?"
Snape tensed. "Do what, precisely?"
"You know, the role-play."
"Harry, I thought we were clear on that."
"I know, but, come on, Severus, how hard could it have been? I mean, you must have wanted to do that to me for the past six and a half years."
At the outraged look on Severus's face, Harry hastened to explain, "I mean the spanking part!"
Snape relaxed slightly. "You've deserved a spanking for that many years," Snape replied trying to lighten the mood.
"I'm not disagreeing with you. And now you can make up for lost time," Harry encouraged.
"Harry, I am perfectly happy to spank you anytime you like in our quarters. But never again in my classroom."
"Oh. But why not?"
"It's inappropriate for a Hogwarts faculty member to be engaging in such behavior. I don't think Albus would approve."
"He wouldn't care."
"Yes, I'm sure you know the Headmaster's mind on what sexual activities are appropriate in Hogwarts' classrooms," Snape replied sarcastically.
"Come on, Severus. He's completely cool with us. He set up the whole hospital wing thing so I can stay here during the week. Hell, he basically got us back together. You don't think he knows what we're up to? I mean—"
"Harry, please stop discussing Albus and sex in the same sentence!"
"You're the one who brought him up!"
"Harry—" Snape warned.
"Okay, fine…not in the classroom," Harry brooded. "But we can still do the role-playing here, right?"
The tension immediately flooded back into Snape's body. "Harry, I already told you that that particular role-playing was a one off thing."
"But why? You were so good. It can't be too hard, can it? I mean, you're just playing yourself."
"Playing myself?" Snape asked in a low, dangerous tone that Harry hadn't heard in quite a while.
"Severus, I didn't mean…"
"I don't rape my students, Harry."
"Severus, my god! I just meant in the beginning part, where you were a total arse and all…"
Snape eyebrows rose up.
Oh shit, Harry thought. He was just making this worse.
"Severus, I just meant…I…"
"I've got some work to do, Harry," Snape said sharply. "I'll let you use the time to figure out exactly what you meant. Have a pleasant weekend."
A second later, Severus had left, leaving Harry stunned by his own stupidity.
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Harry dressed hurriedly and flooed to the hospital wing before making his way outside to the Quidditch pitch. The field was still empty. Everyone was still at lunch, and Harry used the opportunity to fly solo and contemplate the mess he'd made.
This morning had been his first argument with Severus since they had officially become a couple just over a month ago. And Harry was well aware that all the blame squarely rested with him.
He had known that Severus had overcome a great deal in order for them to become intimate. First there had been the matter of their age difference and the student-teacher issue. Then the trauma of Severus's rape which, unfortunately, Harry had witnessed through a dream. But ultimately, the major stumbling block had been the fact that Voldemort was convinced (by Severus's own doing, no less) that Snape had had pedophilic fantasies about Harry for years.
Harry had tried to discuss things with Severus – he wanted to make sure that Severus felt comfortable enough to broach these sensitive topics with him if he so desired. But anytime Harry had raised the issue of Voldemort over the past weeks, Severus had told him not to worry, that he was doing much better. And Harry could see it was true. Severus's nightmares had abated, he had stopped spacing out the way he'd done consistently over the Holidays, and he had ceased drinking heavily.
In fact, the older man had already gained several pounds of much needed weight and was sleeping better than he had in years. He looked better for it as well, the sallow hue of his skin now replaced with a healthy pink glow. The truth of the matter was, Snape's remarkable progress had made it easy for both of them to forget that there had ever been any difficulties to begin with. That, of course, and the fact that each was so focused on the other, the newfound love between them, and the fantastic mind-blowing sex. Nothing else seemed to even enter the picture.
And so when Severus had casually offered to do the role-playing, Harry had thought nothing of it. Now, as Harry circled high and wide around the pitch, flying as fast as he could within the limits of safety, he couldn't understand what he'd been thinking of when he'd asked for that scenario in the first place.
And then, to make matters worse, was his behavior this morning. The thought sent a knot of anguish into the pit of his stomach. He had acted incredibly obtusely and selfishly.
He hadn't thought it at the time, of course. When he'd woken that morning, he'd been so caught up in his own exhilarated feelings about the previous night's activities, he'd completely forgotten about Severus's. Honestly, the problem may very well have been how well Severus had acted the part – too well, perhaps. So well, in fact, that it hadn't even occurred to Harry that Severus might not be enjoying it, that he might have actually been feeling quite the opposite.
Harry took in the perfect cloudless sky above him, almost mocking the dark turmoil that was his mind, and wondered how on earth the bliss he'd felt just an hour ago had been reduced to this.
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Author's Note: I want to thank everyone who's joined/joining me for this sequel. The response has been incredible. I'm very glad to see that people are eager for more from my Severus and Harry – their journey is far from complete!
Thank you to Ketsurui and Molvanian Queen-In-Exile for the beta of this chapter.
Feedback is always appreciated.