Title: In Memory's Wake
Author: Cocoa-Snape (aka CocoaSnape)
Pairing: Snape/Harry
Disclaimer: No money is being made and no copyright infringement is intended.
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
In Memory's Wake by CocoaSnape
Chapter 3: Fair recompense
Severus Snape looked dreadful and he knew it. He'd only managed an hour or two of sleep this morning and his entire evening had been spent at the Dark Lord's side. The summons had been largely uneventful, but, as was his custom, he would take breakfast with the Headmaster and debrief the elder wizard nonetheless.
Snape made his way through the students on their way to the Great Hall for Sunday breakfast. To this day, it still amused him the way they parted for him like terrified minnows. He spotted Harry milling about the corridor, attempting to be inconspicuous, when he was anything but. Damn.
Harry's eyes widened when he caught his first glimpse of Severus. He looked tired, haggard. Had yesterday's argument affected his sleep? Harry waited casually by the entrance to the hall and, as Severus passed, he interrupted the stoic man who pretended not to notice.
"Professor, may I speak with you for a moment?"
Snape turned and gave Harry a very dirty look. "If this is another attempt to wheedle your way out of your detention, Mr. Potter," Snape responded in his trademark drawl, "then no."
Harry gaped at him. He had no detention.
"I thought as much," Snape continued without missing a beat. "Be very clear, Potter; the next time you accost me in the corridor, I will make your life decidedly unpleasant. Now divest yourself from my sight." And with that, he stalked off.
Harry's stomach gave a little twist. He knew it was inappropriate to approach Severus in this way. The man had made it explicitly clear that their public contact should remain as limited and as vitriolic as ever. But given the relative emptiness of the corridor and his burning need to make a quick apology, Harry had decided to chance it anyway.
Obviously, Severus's brush off indicated that had been a mistake. The encounter had left Harry cold and wondering if he'd bungled up this situation much worse than he'd originally thought. Even while in public, Harry had always been able to feel the undercurrent of affection from those dark eyes with scantest of glances.
Defeated, Harry trudged into the hall, contemplating that he would have to wait another two days before being able to deliver his apology to Severus.
-
-
-----------------------------------------------------------
-
-
Harry found Ron and Hermione sitting in the usual corner of the Gryffindor table. He hoped that the pair would be able to get his mind off of his lover for at least the duration of breakfast. Sadly, it was not to be. The Great Hall was fairly deserted this morning and Hermione, who had spotted Harry trying to speak with Snape outside, latched onto the topic at once.
"So how are things going, Harry?" she asked with a playful gleam in her eye. Harry still couldn't quite get over Hermione's attitude regarding his relationship with Severus. She seemed absurdly happy for him. He had been surprised at first, but immensely grateful he had her support.
"Fine," Harry replied simply. He instinctively placed his hand against his chest, feeling the amulet Severus had given him a month before, hidden underneath his shirt. It had fast become a habit of Harry's to feel for it – particularly when he and Severus were apart. Knowing it was there gave him comfort.
"Did something happen, Harry?" Hermione asked perceptively, eyeing Harry's hand clutching the platinum chain possessively.
"No…just…"
His mouth full of food, Ron interrupted, "Things can't be too good. That git gave you a detention and made you miss the Quidditch match. And I thought you said he was being nice? Malfoy was the one who hexed your cauldron."
Harry was ready to respond, but Hermione beat him to it. "Ron, you can't seriously be that dense!?" She dropped her voice to a whisper out of habit, although they had already cast a discreet muffling charm around themselves to prevent being overheard. "Harry probably goaded Malfoy to do that so he could get a detention."
"But…" Ron began in confusion before realization dawned. "Harry! Ugh! Instead of Quidditch?"
Hermione rolled her eyes and addressed Harry. "So are we still on for this coming weekend then?"
Harry had told Ron and Hermione that they were invited to dinner with him and Severus in the dungeons. He had intended to double-check with Severus that this coming weekend was still all right, but their argument had derailed that conversation.
"Well, I haven't had a chance to confirm the date yet."
"But you'll ask him tomorrow and let us know?"
"Uhmm," Harry hesitated. Aware of Hermione's questioning stare, he blurted out in a sudden need to tell someone, "The thing is, he's not really speaking to me at the moment."
"Oh," Hermione said simply.
But Ron fumed, "What did that arsehole do now?"
Harry immediately came to Severus's defense, "He didn't do anything. I'm the one that did something. I said something really stupid."
"Are you two breaking up?" Ron asked hopefully.
"No, we are not," Harry replied calmly.
"Ron," Hermione fumed, "you really need to stop being so hurtful."
Ron huffed his reply, "I've agreed to go to dinner with Snape…on a weekend…and in his quarters. Exactly how much more supportive can I really be?"
Hermione ignored Ron and asked with concern evident on her face, "Is everything okay, Harry?"
"Yeah. It's nothing. I just was insensitive about something."
"What, did you tell him he needed to wash his hair?" Ron jibed.
"Ronald Weasley!" Hermione shrieked angrily.
While Hermione launched into another assault against Ron's tact and berated him for his heartlessness, Harry decided it was best to simply ignore Ron's comment. In the past few weeks, he had grown accustomed to Ron's digs about Severus and had learned to stop responding to them. He knew the fact that Ron wasn't actively trying to talk him out of the relationship was, in and of itself, extraordinary progress. Ron may still have been Harry's best friend, but for him to actually approve of his seeing Severus would have been nothing short of a miracle.
Hermione, on the other hand, had made a show of overwhelming support and it was more than Harry could have ever hoped for. She'd become a godsend to him, the only other person he was able to share his excitement over this now major part of his life. It was a relief that he no longer needed to be secretive about his relationship with Severus, as he had been months before. And Harry had become infinitely closer to Hermione because of it. He only hoped that Ron's attitude would improve over time, perhaps after he had a chance to actually meet Severus outside the classroom setting.
Ron was still arguing with Hermione. "Come on, 'Mione. Snape's a git. What the hell could Harry have said that would be so bad?" Turning his attention to Harry, Ron added, "And another thing, mate, you're talking like Hermione with all this stuff about being 'insensitive.'"
Harry opened his mouth to speak, but once again Hermione was ahead of him. "Ron, accepting blame for one's mistakes and being sensitive about your partner's feelings are the things that make relationships work," she lectured sternly. "Clearly you don't have enough emotional sophistication to understand what Harry is going through." She didn't let Ron interrupt, adding, "Which, by the way, sounds very much like growing up to me. You should try it sometime."
Ron mumbled something under his breath about girls and Harry barely held in his smile. The crazy thing was, a few months ago, he'd have been thinking just like Ron, that all this 'emotional growth' business Hermione was talking about was girly nonsense. But no longer. He loved Severus and Harry was prepared to do everything to ensure that this relationship – the most important in his life – worked.
And if yesterday's argument with Severus had taught him anything, it was that it wasn't always going to be easy. Harry may have been very mature for his age, but he was still a teenager. His relationship with Severus was not typical by any means, and Harry had come to realize that their age difference alone mandated a level of maturity from him that was not usually required of his seventeen-year-old peers.
"Do you want to go somewhere and talk about this alone, Harry?" Hermione asked, eying Ron with disdain.
"Nah, it's fine. I'm sure it'll blow over in a couple of days," Harry replied, thinking, At least I certainly hope so. Turning to Ron, he added lightly, "Which means you're not getting out of that dinner so easily."
"Great!" Hermione replied with genuine eagerness. "I'm really looking forward to it."
"Are you insane?" Ron asked in disbelief. "I mean, I said I'd go, mate, but looking forward to it, Hermione? This is dinner with Snape!"
"Shh!" Hermione admonished. "Keep your voice down!"
"We have a bloody muffling charm up."
"Charms can be broken. Have you forgotten what would happen if someone were to overhear?"
"I know, I know. The Order would be compromised, blah blah blah," Ron said, quoting Hermione roughly.
Hermione gave him a smack on the arm. "And for your information, Ron, I am looking forward to the dinner. I can't wait to meet him."
"What the devil do you mean? You know him!"
"I know Professor Snape, the git who teaches Potions and takes too many points from Gryffindor. I don't know the man Harry is seeing."
Harry couldn't help smiling at Hermione's astute remarks.
Ron, on the other hand, looked positively baffled. "You are off your rocker if you think those are two different people."
-
-
-----------------------------------------------------------
-
-
Snape took the steps on the ascending staircase to Dumbledore's quarters with nervous tension. Although this breakfast debriefing had become something of a ritual between the men, Snape found it not a little bit uncomfortable of late. Given the aftermath of his previous meetings with the Dark Lord at the end of the fall term, Dumbledore was keeping such a careful eye on his mental state that it felt at times he might be under a microscope. But Snape could hardly blame the Headmaster. Not after his actions.
In his rage at Harry for pursuing the relationship, despite his demands that he desist, Snape had shown Harry the reason for his refusal. But, far more than that, he had forced the memories into Harry's mind. The overwhelming pressure of compartmentalizing his role as a Death Eater spy with the rest of his life, particularly Harry's entrance into it, had left him unable to cope. In his mental instability, he had tried (consciously or unconsciously he still did not know) to convince Harry that he was the same monster that had harbored pedophilic fantasies for Harry for years, the Death Eater he had so convincingly made the Dark Lord believe he was. Had it not been for Dumbledore, he most certainly would have succeeded.
Snape opened the large oak door and made his way into the Headmaster's quarters, ready to discuss the events of last night. This had been his second summons from the Dark Lord since the one that had triggered his violent unstable reaction. The first had been over three weeks ago, just barely after he and Harry had gotten together. Snape couldn't ever remember feeling such dread as the Mark burned on his arm that day. He felt sure that the meeting would snap in two whatever short-lived relationship he and Harry had forged. He had prepared himself for the worst.
That was the first time Dumbledore had broached the topic of his discontinuing his spying for the Order, but Snape had instantly dismissed that possibility. His purpose in life was see the Dark Lord defeated, and now along with that, to leave Harry free of that burden as well.
But as it turned out, that first meeting in early January had been highly uneventful. Much like last night's meeting, in fact. Fortunately, the Dark Lord had greater things on his mind than dwelling on his favorite spy's supposed infatuation with Harry Potter. Several key tips from Snape had caused many high profile Death Eater raids to fail, leaving the Dark Lord in no mood to play sexual games. The Order was doing very well at keeping the Death Eater's actions under control. Snape wondered for how much longer.
A gentle voice snapped Snape out of his musings. "You look dreadful, Severus." Leave it to Dumbledore not to mince words. "Did you not manage any sleep?"
Snape shrugged noncommittally. "I'm fine, Albus."
"Are you up for breakfast, or should we do this another time?"
"Not at all. Let's eat."
As they made their way into the sitting room to the small table already set for the meal, Snape was keenly aware of Dumbledore's appraising gaze. He might have been tempted to say something scathing had he not known that Dumbledore's scrutiny of his mental health was motivated entirely out of concern.
Over the years, Dumbledore had become far more to him than his boss as Headmaster and leader of the Order of the Phoenix. Albus was his mentor, his trusted friend, and Snape had come to regard the elder wizard as something like the father he never had. He owed the man a great deal, already more than he could ever repay.
Nevertheless, Severus was a private man, always had been, and discussing personal matters was not something he ever found easy, even with Albus, who had already seen him in perhaps the two most fragile moments in his life. And Snape knew all too well that Albus's delicate handling of his most recent trauma had saved him from making the terrible mistake of letting go of the one thing in his life that promised sanity: Harry.
His unstable attitude before the Christmas Holiday had resulted in Albus making himself somewhat of a frequent fixture in his quarters, urging Severus to share whatever may have been on his mind. In the end, however, there hadn't been very much to discuss. Harry's presence had enabled him to put those events behind him. Sure there was still the occasional nightmare, but they were now few and far between.
And although Albus was still not so subtly inquiring about his well-being, it was no longer with the same sense of urgency, having apparently realized that he had indeed recovered. This was in no small part due to Harry. Snape hadn't spoken of those traumatic events with Harry except for the once – one night under the influence of alcohol and stress and imminent insanity. But the fact that Harry knew about this horrible aspect of his life and accepted that it was just part of his role as a spy, however sick and twisted, but not part of him, made all the difference in the world.
He still had reservations, of course, about allowing Harry to be mixed up in his life, a life he knew was far from easy. But Snape knew that Harry loved him no matter what, even though it was still hard to accept at times that this young man had chosen him. And after the past four weeks spent in a whirlwind of emotion he never thought he'd ever feel for anyone, he wasn't about to argue with the grace of this relationship.
Snape realized that for his own sanity, he had to keep the two worlds separate – no easy feat to be sure, but necessary. The less Harry knew about his spying with the Dark Lord, the better. Besides, that was Dumbledore's job.
Snape wasted no time in bringing up the meeting. He covered the details over breakfast, explaining that the Dark Lord was beginning to grow suspicious of the number of failed raids.
"Does he suspect a spy?"
"I don't think so. More likely a leak from sloppiness."
"Nevertheless, we should think about formulating a contingency plan."
"Agreed."
"So," Dumbledore began amiably, "how have you been, Severus?"
"Well, thank you."
"I'm glad to hear it." A tentative pause. "And Harry?"
"He's alright," Snape replied with a hint of guilt, thinking of his cold attitude towards the young man in the hall not long ago.
"Does he know you were called last night?"
"No. That is none of his concern."
"Don't you think you should tell him?" Dumbledore suggested mildly.
Snape sighed. He knew where this conversation was going. "I'll think about it."
Dumbledore let the topic drop. "I see that Harry's grade in Potions has improved significantly."
Snape nearly dropped his fork. "I assure you, Headmaster, that my standards are no different―"
Dumbledore put his hand up. "Severus, my dear boy, you must stop this annoying habit of taking everything I say and construing it as accusation. I simply meant that I am pleased to see that Harry's work has improved in all of his classes. Other professors have commented to me about it, in fact."
Snape filed away this information for future reference. He then helped himself to another piece of toast and some more eggs before replying, "Harry knows how seriously I take his education." He could tell Dumbledore was watching him with a delighted smile. "What is it, Albus?"
"Nothing at all," the older wizard lied. The truth was he had never seen Severus eat so well. "Have some more fruit," he insisted before continuing, "And what about Harry's private lessons?"
Snape pinched the bridge of his nose at the question.
"Ah, that well, I see."
"No; his defense skills are adequate, in some cases quite good." Dumbledore knew that this was high praise coming from Severus. "But his Occlumency is not going any better than before. He can block an invasion and attempt to misdirect his thoughts, but under the Dark Lord's scrutiny, I don't believe he would withstand more than a few seconds."
"Well, we both always knew that Harry wasn't much of an Occlumens. I will leave the decision of whether he should continue up to you."
It was what Snape wanted to hear. He'd been wishing for some time now that they could stop the Occlumency lessons, or at least limit their frequency. The sessions always left him irritated and Harry angry with him. Some things never changed Snape supposed.
The two men discussed the latest school gossip over the remainder of their breakfast before moving to the couch for some more tea.
"Severus, is there anything else you wish to discuss?" Dumbledore asked gently.
Ah, here it is, Snape thought. "No, Albus. I've already told you, nothing happened."
"Be that as it may, I am still entitled to be worried about you. You did, after all, agree to speak with me after the Holidays," Dumbledore reminded him.
"That turned out not to be necessary. I've been well."
Dumbledore studied Severus for a long moment. "You seem it, Severus. But it's important to remember that these sorts of issues don't simply disappear overnight."
"I have not forgotten. But I assure you, Albus, that your concerns are misplaced. The Dark Lord is otherwise too occupied to play games."
"Nonetheless," Dumbledore said kindly, "you know that my door is always open to you, Severus."
Snape nodded dutifully. He really hated these conversations.
"I admit, my boy, I don't think I've seen you this well-adjusted, this…happy, in a very long time."
Snape's mind floated around the words that Albus did not say. He had never been this happy, and both men knew it. "I am…content, Albus."
Dumbledore placed his hand on Severus's shoulder and said affectionately, "I am so very glad, my boy. You don't know how glad."
-
-
-----------------------------------------------------------
-
-
Dinner that evening was a torturous affair for Harry. He kept glancing over at the Head Table, trying to covertly signal Severus. But the man did not meet his eye once. When his glances became a bit more obvious, Hermione had the good sense to elbow him to stop.
As they dug into dessert, Harry reconciled himself to the fact that his apologies would have to wait until the next evening – that is, if Severus consented to seeing him. Harry chewed anxiously on his lower lip as he contemplated the prospect. What if Severus wasn't ready to forgive him for his comments?
Harry took a long swallow of pumpkin juice and glanced back at the Head Table once more.
'Perhaps, Harry, my boy,' came the deep voice of Albus Dumbledore inside his head, 'instead of staring at Severus, you might just consider speaking with him about your argument.'
Harry nearly gagged on his juice.
After calming himself, he met Dumbledore's eyes and the words easily tumbled across the connection the Headmaster had so skillfully forged. 'He told you?' Harry asked in shock.
'Not a word. But, I am blessed with keen powers of perception and, between your fretful expression and Severus's rather violent treatment of his steak earlier, I can tell that something is wrong.'
'I doubt he wants to speak with me, Professor. He's angry at me.'
'Let me see about that.' Without missing a beat, Dumbledore redirected his thoughts to the dark-haired man to his right. 'Severus, perhaps you should speak with Harry. He's rather worried you're angry with him.'
Snape spluttered the tea he was drinking.
'What has he told you?' Snape asked in horror.
'Oh, nothing at all. I took the liberty of asking Harry what was going on between the two of you.'
'Meddler!' Snape replied not unkindly.
'Come now, Severus, surely he's tortured that bottom lip of his enough. What harm would a bit of conversation do?'
Snape turned his gaze to meet the Headmaster's. He did not like being told what to do, but Albus had given him an idea. 'Alright. Tell him…tell him if he can initiate the conversation, then I will have it…right now.'
'Excellent!' Dumbledore replied happily. Turning his attention back to Harry, Dumbledore said, 'The plot thickens, my boy. Severus will consent to speaking with you right now, but unfortunately, you will have to initiate the conversation.'
"Shit."
"Harry, what's wrong?" Hermione asked at Harry's sudden outburst.
'But, sir, I can't do that without staring at him. And that'll be too obvious.'
'Yes, I thought we might hit that little snag,' Dumbledore said lightly. 'Let me see if I can lend you a hand.'
While Harry quickly whispered the situation to Hermione, wondering what Dumbledore could possibly do to help him, he heard giggles erupting from around him. The students were all staring at the Head Table, and Harry's gaze followed theirs to find Dumbledore, who had somehow managed to immerse the length of his beard in a chocolate cream pie that he'd been reaching for. He was clumsily attempting to wipe himself with a napkin, but that only seemed to be spreading the chocolate sauce and whipped cream over more of his beard. Harry stared transfixed at the scene.
Hermione's giggle snapped Harry out of his reverie. With sudden awareness, he averted his eyes three feet to the left and found Severus's. Using the cover of the hall staring and chuckling at the Head Table and the scene Dumbledore was perpetrating, Harry managed to finally establish a connection with Severus.
'I'm so sorry, Severus,' Harry began. 'Can you forgive me for being a total prat?'
'This is blatant cheating!' Snape complained.
'I know, but I couldn't wait to tell you how horrible I feel for acting like such a complete moron. I wasn't thinking, Severus. I love you so damn much…you know I didn't mean those things.'
Snape sighed. 'Merlin, help me if I can stay angry at you.'
'So then you forgive me?'
'Yes, Harry, I forgive you.'
Harry's whole body sagged with relief. 'Thank god. I miss you so much. I don't know how I'm going to make it till tomorrow night without you.'
'I've missed you as well. I also can never remember so looking forward to a Monday.'
'Ah, isn't this sweet?' Dumbledore interrupted into both men's thoughts. 'All is well in the world when love prevails.'
'For Merlin's sake, Albus, you've been listening in?' Snape said, emitting a bemused groan of mock admonishment.
'Come now, Severus…I am your accomplice, after all,' Dumbledore said, twinkling in Severus's direction. 'Besides,' the older wizard concluded matter-of-factly as he continued to wipe his beard, 'I think it's only fair recompense for covering oneself in whipped topping and chocolate.'
-
------------------------------------------------------
Author's Note: Thanks to everyone who's taken the time to review. Your comments mean a lot. It's gratifying to see that people are interested in seeing this sequel…
Thanks again to my two incredible betas: Molvanian Queen-In-Exile and Ketsurui.
Feedback is always appreciated.