Title: In Memory's Wake
Author: Cocoa-Snape (aka CocoaSnape)
Pairing: Snape/Harry
Disclaimer: No money is being made and no copyright infringement is intended.
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In Memory's Wake by CocoaSnape
Chapter 9: What does that make me
"Something's wrong, Harry, isn't there?" Hermione asked. She'd been keeping a close eye on her best friend for the past hour, aware of his discomfited behavior. It was nearing midnight, but the Gryffindor common room was packed and in full swing celebrating their Quidditch victory a few days prior that had automatically advanced them to the finals.
"No, nothing," Harry answered mechanically. He'd not felt very well for the past couple of hours. At first he'd assumed it was the punch, which Seamus and Dean had spiked with some imitation version of Firewhisky they'd bought at Weasleys' Wizarding Wheezes. But now, as his ruby amulet grew warm on his chest, Harry had the sudden feeling that his discomfort had something to do with Severus.
"Listen, 'Mione, I've got to go. Tell Ron I wasn't feeling well."
In his anxiousness to see if Severus was alright, Harry nearly sprinted to the dungeons. As Harry spoke the password and moved to enter the door, he bumped into a solid form. Taking a step back, he was surprised to find the Headmaster staring back at him.
"Oh! Hello, Professor."
"Good evening, Harry," Dumbledore said in a distant voice.
Harry could tell at once that something wasn't right. Dumbledore looked unwell and his mind was clearly elsewhere.
"Are you feeling okay, sir?"
"Yes, of course," the elder wizard replied without returning Harry's gaze. Dumbledore was not in the least bit surprised to see Harry here. But he also wanted to avoid what he knew would be a difficult conversation.
Dumbledore had come to see Severus immediately after he'd returned from Voldemort's side. Severus had told him the horrible truth of what happened almost immediately, and in such dispassionate a tone that was nothing less than unnerving. Dumbledore hadn't said much afterwards, knowing all too well that Severus wasn't interested or really able to hear what he had to say in that moment. He did demand that Severus take some Dreamless Sleep Draught, and the younger wizard had reluctantly consented. Before Severus swallowed down the vial, Dumbledore had said, 'There was nothing else you could have done, Severus. I hope you know that.' Severus deliberately avoided Dumbledore's gaze.
As Dumbledore exited the dungeon quarters, he thought about the look of utter despair on Severus's face before he'd fallen asleep. It was the first hint of emotion the man had shown since Dumbledore had walked into that room. And it left him with a profound sadness and one question clouding his mind; how in the world was Severus going to cope with this?
Harry was carefully studying the expression on the Headmaster's face. It was hard to place, but if Harry had to guess, it almost looked like Dumbledore was in pain.
"Is it Severus, sir? Is he alright?" Harry demanded.
Dumbledore weighed this question a moment before replying tactfully, "He's not injured." That wasn't precisely a lie. "He's just returned from a meeting."
"Oh, that must have been why," Harry said as he clenched the amulet Severus had given him. Harry relaxed. He knew being summoned was an intense strain for Severus – it did not surprise him that he would have been able to feel that.
Harry took a step forward into Severus's quarters, but Dumbledore stopped him.
"He's asleep, Harry."
"Asleep?" Harry asked in surprise.
"He took Dreamless just before I left."
"Oh. That's alright. Goodnight, Professor." Harry continued towards the door.
"You're planning on staying with Severus tonight?" Dumbledore asked hesitantly. "Wouldn't it be better if you returned to Gryffindor tower?"
Harry was somewhat taken aback by Dumbledore's questions, but assumed that the Headmaster was concerned about his absence being conspicuous in Gryffindor tower. Harry reassured him, "I just want to say goodnight."
Dumbledore took a deep breath. "Alright then. Goodnight, Harry." With evident reluctance, Dumbledore turned and left.
A minute later, Harry was giving his sleeping lover a kiss on the cheek, relieved to see that Severus appeared unharmed. He curled up behind Severus and wrapped his arms around him, unaware of the turmoil that was his partner's mind. Harry had intended to go back to Gryffindor tower, as he'd told Dumbledore he would, but relaxing by Severus's side, Harry was soon fast asleep.
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Harry woke to find a note on the pillow opposite his.
'I'm in a meeting with the Headmaster this morning. I'll be in the lab all weekend. See you Monday. Love, Severus.'
The note was a bit more to the point than Harry was used to, but Severus was likely in a hurry. Harry dressed quickly. He had a busy weekend ahead of him: first Quidditch practice and then Hogsmeade today. He didn't even want to think about the two scrolls he had to write on Sunday for Charms.
A voice from the Floo interrupted his thoughts. It was the Headmaster.
"Hello, Harry. I must confess I'm a bit surprised to find you here. Is Severus there by any chance?"
"He's not with you, sir?" Harry asked. "He left a note saying he's meeting with you."
"Ah, yes," Dumbledore began carefully. "He must be on his way up."
Dumbledore had no illusions that Severus was actually coming to meet with him. He knew that Severus's note to Harry had been a lie. And although he had no idea where Severus had gone to in this moment, he had a good idea of when he'd turn up.
And so an hour and a half later, when Dumbledore could see Harry and the rest of the Gryffindor team flying about the pitch, he made his way down to the dungeons. Just as he had expected, Severus was there and reluctantly let the elder wizard in.
"How are you, my boy?"
"I'm fine, Albus," Snape replied flatly.
Dumbledore paused a moment, deep in thought.
"I ran into Harry last night." At the mention of the young man's name, Snape visibly paled. "I tried to suggest he stay in the tower, but I didn't think it my place to demand it."
Severus swallowed.
"You disappeared rather suddenly this morning," Dumbledore said, although the observation came out much more like a question.
"I wasn't expecting him, that's all." That was an understatement. When he'd woken to find Harry beside him, he'd nearly leapt from the bed. By some miracle he'd managed to get out of the room without waking Harry.
"Severus, how are you holding up really?"
"I already told you," Snape said, now sounding thoroughly annoyed, "I'm fine."
Dumbledore sighed. Without employing Legilimency, he couldn't be sure of Severus's state of mind. What he could tell was that Severus's mental walls appeared stable, which was reassuring. But he knew that Severus had to be suffering, and it upset him to think that after the difficulties he'd been through earlier in the year, his friend was once again resuming his pattern of denying his anguish. "Severus, I wish you wouldn't do this again."
"For Merlin's sake," Snape sighed, frustrated with direction Dumbledore was taking this conversation.
"Severus, don't pretend that—"
Unwilling to let Dumbledore go any further, Snape interrupted with an angry outburst that verged on condescension. "Don't you get it, Albus? I'm not pretending." Snape snorted softly as though he were amusing himself. "And wouldn't that be a big surprise? If I told you I was really all right. If I told you it didn't bother me nearly as much as you think."
Dumbledore stared at Severus for a long moment before replying, "I don't believe that."
"Well believe it," Snape asserted resolutely. "You're surprised aren't you, Albus? Clearly you were expecting to find me in a state of distress over this. Well as you can see, I'm not." Snape paused thoughtfully and then added, "What does that make me I wonder?"
Dumbledore's face changed then, and the look of concern intensified. "I think we should discuss this."
"I really don't have the time to sit here and have you try to convince me that I'm really upset about this but that don't have the faintest idea. I have a lot of work to do."
"Later then."
"If that will finally convince you that I'm not some basket case, then fine," Snape responded indifferently. "Now, if you'll excuse me, Albus…"
Snape held the door open for the elder wizard, who stepped out a few moments later. As the door to his quarters closed, and Snape felt his wards activate, he immediately fell to his knees and began to hyperventilate. He struggled to catch his breath and shake the ill feeling from his head. He felt like someone had ripped out his stomach.
As his breathing returned to normal, he questioned his motives for just playing that game with Dumbledore; what exactly had he been trying to accomplish in that attempt to convince Albus that he was not affected by the events of last night?
He wondered what Albus thought of him now.
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Just after nine o'clock Sunday night, the Headmaster was knocking on Severus's door for the third time in the last 36 hours. The previous two instances, Severus had not answered, but this time, Dumbledore wasn't going to be turned away. He'd been intensely worried about Severus, but had given him the privacy he desired.
Dumbledore understood Severus's need to be alone and so he had respected his friend's request. But now he needed to be sure that Severus was alright, all things considered. He emitted a frustrated sigh when he realized that Severus would not be permitting him entry yet again, and he dismantled the wards to let himself in.
Dumbledore was taken aback to find that Severus's normally pristine quarters were anything but. There were papers scattered about the room everywhere, essays on the desk half-marked in red, old potions scrolls on the sofa half-open, and books strewn on the floor. There were two cauldrons on the low workbench in the corner, but the flames under both had been extinguished. From the looks of it, it appeared that Severus had been moving from task to task, trying, without success it seemed, to occupy his mind.
One look at Severus confirmed Dumbledore's suspicions. His face was pale, his hair unkempt and his clothing uncharacteristically disheveled. The skin on his hands was red, almost raw, and Dumbledore recognized it at once as a rash from the Scourgify charm which had been used too many times. He was trembling, a side effect from Dreamless Sleep having been consumed in high dosage and frequency.
Dumbledore didn't need to ask the question – the answer was beyond obvious. But he asked it, because he needed to know how Severus would answer. "How are you, Severus?"
"How do you think?" Severus replied, his eyes wide and his expression deranged. "I'm just splendid." The sarcasm was impossible to miss.
Despite Severus's state, Dumbledore found Severus's answer a reassuring sign. Yesterday, Severus had been boldly asserting that what had happened didn't trouble him in the slightest.
"Well, at least you've finally given up convincing me you're evil."
Snape glared at the elder wizard, his eyes filled with skepticism.
But Dumbledore refuted the thought he knew was in Severus's head. "Don't take my silence yesterday as having believed you."
Snape tried to interrupt, but Dumbledore did not let him. "I was trying to determine why you were so insistent on convincing me that you felt nothing about what happened."
Snape snorted and mocked, "And I'm sure you have your theories."
"A few," Dumbledore agreed, but offered none.
Snape walked over to his desk and poured himself a drink. He took a swig and asked sharply, "Did they find the body?"
"Excuse me?"
"Don't pretend you don't know what I mean!" Snape bit out. "The muggle – did they find him, her?"
For a second, Dumbledore was tempted to lie, but thought better of it. "Yes."
"And?" Snape snapped impatiently. When the Headmaster did not reply at once, he demanded irately, "Just tell me."
"There's not much to tell, Severus. He was a 30-something-year-old muggle. He didn't have any identification, but it seems that he was chosen at random."
Snape remained silent.
"Was there something more you wanted to know?" Dumbledore inquired kindly.
Snape shook his head.
Dumbledore took a deep breath and began gently, "Severus, I know you know this – or at least you should – but I think it bears reminding you that we wouldn't be having this conversation right now if you had refused Voldemort. He would have killed you."
Snape looked sharply away, and his face screwed up in pain.
"You disagree?" Dumbledore asked.
It took the dark-haired man a long moment to reply. "Of course he would have killed me, but…"
A few moments later, Dumbledore gently prodded Snape to continue, "But?"
"Nothing." Snape couldn't bring himself to say that he might have been better off if the Dark Lord had. Instead, he gulped the remainder of the amber liquid in his glass.
A long minute passed between the two men before Dumbledore asked, "Have you eaten anything, Severus?"
"I'm not hungry."
"Perhaps I should rephrase. Have you eaten anything today?"
"I don't know." He really had no idea if he'd eaten or not.
Severus's sudden meek attitude (not to mention his inability to recollect whether he'd eaten) heightened Dumbledore's concern.
"I think perhaps someone should stay with you. Will you let me do that?" Dumbledore suggested.
"No, I need to be alone." There was no masking the despondency of the words.
"Severus—"
"Damn it, Albus!" Snape snapped suddenly. "I'm taking care of it. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to bed."
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When Monday morning arrived, Severus Snape was exhausted and full of panic. He hadn't slept very well at all, despite having taken Dreamless Sleep. The nightmares were already growing too strong for the potion, his body becoming accustomed to the potion. And on top of it all, he knew he'd have to see Harry today.
An hour later, as the seventh year Gryffindors filed into the classroom, Harry noticed at once that Severus did not look up. That was the first indication that something wasn't right. Normally, after a weekend spent apart, Severus would always make eye contact, sometimes communicating a quick 'I love you' via Legilimency, or sometimes just giving a long enough glance to signify the same sentiment.
As Harry took his seat, he was surprised by Severus's appearance. His normally pristine robes were not pressed; they were so wrinkled in fact, it almost seemed that Severus might have slept in them. His hair appeared greasy and did not look as though it had been combed. There were dark circles under his lover's eyes and his face was unusually pale.
Harry attempted to get Severus's attention several times during the class, even going so far as picking a fight with Malfoy, but to no avail. Severus did not meet his gaze once and dismissed the class nearly twenty minutes early. Harry tried to stay after, but Severus immediately retired to his private office.
That evening, after the day's classes had finally come to an end, Harry rushed through dinner and headed for the dungeons. He was more than a little surprised to see a familiar face exiting Severus's quarters. It left him first with a feeling of déjà vu, and then an understanding that something was wrong.
"Good evening, Harry," Dumbledore said in greeting.
"Professor, is Severus alright?"
Dumbledore paused for a moment before replying, "He's sleeping now."
"Sleeping?" Harry asked. "Dreamless again?" At Dumbledore's subtle nod, Harry continued, "What the hell is going on?" It was only just after seven p.m. – a ridiculous hour for a night owl like Severus to be in bed.
Dumbledore sighed. He looked and sounded exhausted.
"Did Voldemort…" Harry asked hesitantly, "did he… like before?"
Dumbledore considered the question carefully. What could he say without compromising Severus's privacy? And yet, this was Harry, who deserved at least some explanation, some reassurance about Severus's condition. Tentatively, the elder wizard answered, "In a way, yes," aware that this answer didn't give Harry a clue of how serious this situation was.
Harry considered what Dumbledore was telling him. He'd really been hoping there was another explanation for Severus's appearance and behavior in today's class. Unfortunately, it was not the case. Harry knew this was not good news, but he was reassured by the fact that they'd been through this before.
Harry had no idea that this was nothing like before.
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Snape woke early, relieved to find that he was alone. But that momentary calm promptly dissipated when he remembered that he had a class to teach in a few hours – not just any class, the seventh year Gryffindors and Slytherins. The very thought caused his stomach to turn and his skull to pound. Clutching his head, Snape staggered to the bathroom, trying to control his heaving stomach, willing himself not to vomit.
But as Harry's face swam in his mind, and his memories overwhelmed him, he didn't know how he would face the day ahead.
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The Potions class was eerily quiet. Professor Snape was 30 minutes late. And to say that was out of the ordinary would be the understatement of the century. At first, the students had been chatting and goofing off as usual. But once it became apparent that their Professor was going to be more than a couple of minutes tardy, they'd all gone abruptly quiet. Perhaps it had something to do with Parvati whispering that he was probably hiding somewhere in the room observing their behavior.
Harry was growing increasingly anxious with each passing minute. Unable to wait any longer without doing something, he scribbled a quick note to Dumbledore and used a paper airplane charm to deliver it to the Headmaster. Although the charm would have delivered the note almost immediately, it took about 20 minutes for Dumbledore to arrive.
The Headmaster was his usual cheerful eccentric self as he entered the classroom. "Ah, I am so sorry to be late. Professor Snape informed me this morning that he has the flu and he asked me to fill in for him. But as it turns out, this is my usual morning for organizing my sock drawer by color. I confess my deliberations about which was lighter, lavender or mauve, caused me to completely forget that class had started."
"He's lying," Hermione whispered to Harry.
"I know."
"Now then," Dumbledore continued, "Professor Snape has informed me that he has assigned you each a research project for the rest of the year. And he would like each of you to begin working on your proposals in the library."
As everyone headed for the library, Harry approached Dumbledore.
"Professor—"
"Harry," Dumbledore interrupted, "come and see me in my office later today. No need to fret about anything, my boy." And with that, Dumbledore exited the room through the back door that led to Severus's office and quarters.
When Dumbledore had received Harry's note just twenty or so minutes ago, he'd Flooed directly to Severus's quarters. He had never known Severus to be late for a class without informing him in advance, and he knew the reason would not be as innocent as Severus having accidentally overslept. But he was not prepared to find Severus as he did – lying on the stone floor in his living room, drunk and unconscious.
Dumbledore had checked his vitals and was alarmed by his friend's shallow respiration and cold clammy skin. With a flourish of his wand, he'd evacuated the excess ethanol from Severus's body. Snape's eyes had flown open, and he began to retch. Dumbledore summoned an anti-emetic potion which the ill man managed to down before Dumbledore helped him over to the sofa.
"Merlin, Severus, you gave me quite a scare. Is this what you meant when you told me you were taking care of it? You might have killed yourself."
"Stop exaggerating, Albus. I was drunk, that's all."
"You were lying on the floor unconscious."
"I was asleep."
"It's half past nine and your class is wondering where you are."
Snape had said nothing in reply which heightened Dumbledore's concern even further. He had offered no apology, no excuse, and worst of all, he didn't offer to go attend to his waiting class. Instead, Snape stared intently at the fire Dumbledore had just lit.
"I'm going to take care of your class. Will you be alright for a few minutes?"
Snape gave a small nod and continued staring at the hearth.
As Dumbledore stepped back inside Severus's quarters, having just sent his class to the library, he noticed that Severus had not moved. Dumbledore took a seat on the sofa beside him.
The two sat in silence for a long minute before Snape finally whispered, "I just couldn't…"
When Severus didn't finish, Dumbledore continued, "You couldn't see Harry?"
Snape said nothing, but the look on his face was answer enough. "I'll make it to my next class, Albus."
Dumbledore shook his head. "I told them you have the flu. You should take a couple of days to rest."
Snape nodded. Normally he would have refused any suggestion of time away from his duties, but now, all he felt was relief. This morning, the very idea of having to be in the same room with Harry had caused him to down an entire bottle of scotch without a thought to the consequences.
Dumbledore began gently, "Severus, I think I should stay with you, at least for a day or two."
"No, Albus, please… I just need to be left alone."
"I'm not sure that's a good idea."
"I'll stop drinking," Snape offered.
"Severus, that will not solve the larger problem. I'm going to stay with you."
"I need to be alone, damn it!" Snape snapped. "I can't…" He searched for the words, but they failed him. He was slowly falling apart right in front of Albus, and he couldn't quite believe it or imagine what the elder wizard must be thinking. "I just have to be alone," Snape pleaded, desperation edged in his voice. "Can't you understand that?"
Dumbledore nodded. "Promise me you won't do anything else to hurt yourself."
"Alright, but I need… I need you to do something for me."
"In return for you not harming yourself?" Dumbledore asked in astonishment. "If you're trying to inspire my confidence, my boy, you're not succeeding."
"Stop being so dramatic, Albus. I'm not going to kill myself if that's what you're implying."
"Promise me."
"Fine, fine," Snape replied dismissively.
"I need to hear you say it, Severus."
"For Merlin's sake," Snape sighed. "I won't kill myself, alright? Now will you do me that favor?"
"You know I'll do anything for you, Severus."
"Thank you, Albus," Snape replied in relief. He leaned forward and made direct eye contact with Dumbledore before saying, "I need you to speak with Harry for me. Tell him I can't see him anymore… at least for a while. I can't have him keep trying to see me after class or coming by here."
Dumbledore stared at his friend in wide eyed astonishment. "You're asking me to break off your relationship with Harry?"
"Not break off, just ask him to give me some space for a while." When Dumbledore did not reply, Snape added, "Please, Albus. I can't see him."
Dumbledore sighed and then said, "I'll do it on one condition."
"Anything," Snape responded instantly, relieved that Albus was going to take this burden from him. He hadn't been expecting Albus to agree so easily.
"I want you to seek professional help."
Dumbledore could see the anger erupt in Severus's gaze.
"You really are a piece of work, aren't you?" Snape shouted. "I ask one simple thing of you and you turn it into a life debt of some sort."
"Severus, I'm trying to help…"
"Get out, Albus. Do this for me or not. Just get out!"
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Harry Potter was in Dumbledore's office his first free period of the day.
"I wasn't expecting you so soon, Harry."
"Well, I went and tried to see Severus."
"Oh?"
"But the wards wouldn't let me in for some reason. And the portrait said I should take it up with you."
"I see." Dumbledore realized that Severus had put him in the middle – leaving him little choice but to speak with Harry.
"Is Severus very sick, sir?"
What a loaded question this was. In Dumbledore's opinion, Severus was anything but well. But how to answer? "He doesn't have the flu, Harry."
"Oh. What?" Harry asked in confusion.
"He wasn't feeling well enough to teach this morning. I suggested he take tomorrow off as well."
Harry digested the Headmaster's words. Slowly, he asked, "This has to do with Voldemort, doesn't it? With what happened at the meeting?"
"Yes, Harry, it does," Dumbledore replied sadly.
Harry slumped down in the chair. He felt suddenly exhausted and overwhelmed with concern for his partner. "I haven't seen him since then, awake at least. Can I see him this evening, do you think?"
Dumbledore began kindly, "Harry, I think perhaps you should consider giving Severus some time and space alone to reflect. I believe that that would be the best thing for him right now."
"What? But why?"
The answer to his question was evident in the next moment. Harry could see Dumbledore fidgeting ever so slightly in his chair. Dumbledore never fidgeted, and yet the Headmaster's discomfort was palpable.
"This is Severus's idea, isn't it?" Harry asked, afraid of the answer.
Dumbledore took a deep breath. "He just needs some time to work through some things, my boy."
"And he doesn't want to see me," Harry replied, the resentment obvious in his voice.
"That's not it at all."
"Then what is it?"
Dumbledore felt as though he was walking a tightrope. What exactly did Severus expect him to say? He couldn't convince Harry without telling the truth, and yet he had to be discreet so not to compromise Severus's confidence. "He's going through a very difficult time right now," Dumbledore said delicately, wishing that those words weren't a gross underestimation of Severus's pain.
A moment before, Harry was ready to lash out in anger. But he suddenly found himself terrified by the look on the Headmaster's face. Something was very wrong.
"But he's going to be okay though, right?"
Dumbledore swallowed the lump in his throat. "I'm sure Severus will be fine," he replied, hoping that just by saying it, he could will it so.
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Author's note: First off, I want to thank everyone for their incredibly kind reviews for the last chapter and for the overwhelming response. I confess I was a bit worried that I might scare and or scar some of you. And so I do appreciate your taking the time to comment and for your support. Thank you. And I look forward to your comments on this chapter as well.
In the next chapter, Snape is getting worse and worse with each passing hour. Dumbledore tries to intervene and help him. And after not speaking with each other for 6 days, Harry and Severus finally meet face to face.
And, as always, to my two incredible betas, Molvanian Queen-In-Exile and Ketsurui, big hugs of thanks for their time and devotion to this story. xx
Feedback is always appreciated.