In Memory's Wake Chapter 14: A startling lacuna, a harry potter fanfic

Title: In Memory's Wake
Author: Cocoa-Snape (aka CocoaSnape)
Pairing: Snape/Harry
Disclaimer: No money is being made and no copyright infringement is intended.

In Memory's Wake by CocoaSnape

Chapter 14: A startling lacuna

Albus Dumbledore stared at his Potions Master and best friend with a mixture of relief and sorrow. Relief that he had found some way, however drastic, however short-lived, to escape the torment and mental anguish that he had been suffering this past week. But sorrow that, in the process, Severus had forgotten not only the trauma, but also the single most important element of his life, the person he had learned to love, the person he could not live without.

Dumbledore had taken Pomfrey aside and in less than a minute, he'd explained Severus's relationship with Harry, how it had begun earlier in the year during their lessons, how Severus had been completely upfront with him about it, had even asked to be removed as Harry's professor. And how Dumbledore had given them both his blessing. Pomfrey listened with a calm and professionalism that impressed Dumbledore, despite his having expected no less from her.

He did not go into any of the details of Severus's meetings with Voldemort. That, he felt, was unnecessary and would have unnecessarily compromised Severus's privacy. He only eluded to the fact that in addition to his relationship with Harry, Severus had also blocked out a series of traumatic events that had transpired over the past few months, events involving Severus's 'business dealings,' which Poppy understood as Order business. She hadn't needed any more information – she knew from her medical work what that monster Voldemort was capable of, even if she had no idea what specifically had happened to Severus.

When they reentered the private ward, Dumbledore resumed his discussion with Severus. At first, Snape continued to insist that he must be mistaken about the amnesia, that there were no memories missing from his mind. And for the most part, it seemed as though he was correct; Severus could recall details of conversations from one day before, from months before, as long as they had no connection to Harry or the traumatic events that had transpired with Voldemort. When he was pressed to remember specifics about those things, however, it was a different story.

"I'm still having trouble believing all of this," Snape said.

"Unfortunately, it's true, Severus. You've buried large segments of memories in your mind."

"But how can I not know that? I don't feel as though anything is missing or buried."

"Do you remember what you did over the Holidays?"

"I spent it in my quarters, like always."

"Doing what? Give me specifics," Dumbledore urged, knowing that Harry was with Severus for nearly every waking moment of those two weeks. He'd locked them in together after all.

Snape struggled for an answer for a long minute, his brow scrunched up from the effort. Finally, he said, "I remember brewing the Pensieve milieu."

"That's right, you did do that. But is that all you remember?" When Snape did not immediately answer, Dumbledore moved on and asked, "Do you remember Christmas dinner in the Great Hall?"

Again Snape thought a moment before replying, "Yes."

"Give me some specifics."

"I remember giving you your present."

"What else?" Dumbledore pressed. "What did we talk about? Who else was there?"

Snape closed his eyes in concentration. A moment later he opened them and with a frustrated sigh replied, "I don't remember." Reluctantly, Snape admitted, "I suppose there are some gaps in my memory. I'm not exactly sure why."

Dumbledore supplied the answer at once. "The reason you can't remember the dinner was because you and Harry spent the great majority of it sniping at one another. And you can't remember the rest of the Holidays in your quarters, because Harry spent them with you."

Snape's eyes went wide. "That's impossible."

"It's not. As I've already explained to you, Severus, you and Harry became involved romantically shortly after the Holidays."

"If I've repressed my so-called relationship with Mr. Potter, then why is it that I have other memories of him over the past few months?"

"Name some."

Just as Dumbledore anticipated, each of the memories Severus recounted were ones that revolved around Harry's training, be it Defense or Occlumency, or his work in Potions. Regarding their relationship, Severus remembered that they had developed a sort of truce throughout their lessons, but there the memories ended. He had forgotten their initial romantic encounter in October, their breakup, all the traumatic encounters with Voldemort, beginning with his own sexual assault in November, all up through his recent assault of the muggle a week ago.

But were it not for his memory loss, Snape was in excellent physical condition, as Pomfrey herself had said. And his mental state was the best that Dumbledore had seen from Severus in a long time.

"So we've established I've lost some memories," Snape said, finally conceding the point. "Can I return to my quarters now?"

"I don't think so, Severus," Pomfrey replied. "I'll have to run a full battery of scans on you." Snape grunted his frustration.

Dumbledore was deep in thought for a moment before he pulled Pomfrey aside and whispered, "Do you know anyone you can consult on this, Poppy? Discretely, of course."

"I know a few people, but I think it's your friends we should be contacting."

"I'll do that as well, but first I'm going to speak with Harry."

"What will you tell him?"

"The truth. That we have no idea what's going on."

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Dumbledore's discussion with Harry was a short one. He conveyed to Harry that Severus had suffered some unexpected amnesia related to the past months, and that Poppy was running a variety of scans to determine the cause and extent of the problem. After reassuring Harry that Poppy felt that some amnesia was normal under the circumstances, and that Severus seemed healthy otherwise, Dumbledore had sent the boy off to bed with some sleeping draughts and a promise to share their findings with him later.

Checking the time, Dumbledore realized he had a couple of hours before Poppy would be finished with her examination. After a quick shower, Dumbledore was sorely tempted to take a nap, but headed for his library instead.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Upon returning to the hospital wing, Dumbledore found Severus awake and alert reading a Potions tome. Poppy was busily writing in her medical log.

"Ah, Headmaster, excellent timing. I've just finished my scans and am ready to go over the results with both of you."

Snape was still immersed in his reading. Dumbledore wasn't sure he'd heard Poppy, and so he drew Severus's attention to their conversation. "Severus?"

Snape looked up briefly and responded, "I'm listening," before returning his attention to his book.

Pomfrey shrugged her shoulders. Dumbledore couldn't quite believe Severus's disinterest in the proceedings, but he prompted Poppy to proceed.

"Well, there's good news and bad news. The good news is that every scan I've run has come back completely normal. There's no evidence of cranial trauma, no sign of diminished brain capacity, or detectable magical maladies. The bad news is that this leaves us with no organic cause to Severus's amnesia."

"Which leaves only psychological causes," Dumbledore supplied somewhat tentatively, glancing at Severus as he said it. Snape did not look up from his book.

"Yes. And as I know you are aware, the causes of psychogenic amnesia are many and not at all well-defined or understood."

"What did your research and contacts tell you?"

"Everything I've found relates to head injuries or disease, which unfortunately, does not translate to this situation."

"Still, perhaps we can draw some conclusions about how the mind handles memory loss."

"Well that's another bit of good news. The prognosis for retrograde amnesia following a traumatic event is quite good. Typically the memories are recovered anywhere between a few hours to a few days after the precipitating event. Sometimes, the memories return slowly, over a couple of weeks."

"That is good news."

"But again, this is not exactly a typical case. Amnesia does not normally present like this. Based on the stress you mentioned Severus was under, it is not unexpected that he would repress the memories of recent events," Poppy said, treading carefully on what she was saying. "But this is the most selective case of amnesia I've ever heard of. I did find some precedence for this among muggles actually. There is a condition known as lacunar amnesia, where the person is left with a 'lacuna,' or gap, in the record of their memory. But this typically surrounds the loss of memory of a specific event, not that of a person."

"Yes, but the events that Severus has blocked out are inextricably linked to a person, to Harry. And so it seems he's erased their relationship as well."

"Hmm." The medi-witch considered this, her expression pensive, before she finally admitted, "I've never heard of anything quite like this. Did you find anything, Headmaster?"

"Not much more than you at the moment." A pause. "So, have you come across anything about how we can treat this?"

"Do we really have to?" Snape asked suddenly, speaking for the first time. Both Dumbledore and Pomfrey's eyes went straight to him. He'd put his book face down on his chest and spoke with clear intent. "I'd prefer to keep any such memories of Mr. Potter, if they are indeed real, out of my head, thank you very much."

"Headmaster," Pomfrey interjected, "I wouldn't have a clue where to start. I think the best solution is to wait for the memories to return on their own. My understanding is that they must still be there, but buried. You'd know better than I… you're the expert in Psychlimency."

Dumbledore looked back at Severus, and found that the Potions Master had once again resumed reading his book.

"Poppy," Dumbledore suggested, "you should get some sleep. You've been at this far too long. Thank you."

"Alright then. Severus, I'll be back in a few hours. I'd appreciate it if you could stay here until I return. I'd like to rerun some of the scans and see if anything changes over time."

Snape looked up at Dumbledore who cast him a pleading glance. Reluctantly, Snape nodded his head.

"Thank you, Severus. If everything checks out, I'll release you this afternoon."

Only when Dumbledore was certain that Poppy had left the hospital wing, did he speak. "Severus, quite frankly I'm surprised to see how disinterested you seem to be in all of this."

Snape closed his book and trained his gaze on the Headmaster. "If you want my opinion, which clearly neither of you do, this is a colossal waste of time. I'm perfectly fine. Poppy said so herself. There is nothing medically or magically wrong with me."

"I beg to differ, Severus. You were under an inordinate amount of stress and suffered a collapse into unconsciousness after which you awoke missing significant portions of your memory. You are clearly not well, my boy."

Snape eyed the Headmaster a long moment before beginning significantly, his voice calm and thoughtful, "Have you ever considered the possibility that I was sick before and am well now?"

Taken aback by the question, Dumbledore struggled for a reply. Snape did not allow him time to formulate one and continued, "Think about it, Albus. Is it really normal sounding to you – me in a romantic relationship with Potter?"

"Severus—"

"Quite frankly," Snape interrupted, his voice growing more agitated, "I can't believe you ever allowed this, Albus. It's completely unethical. A professor in some sort of tête-à-tête with a student. It's perverse."

"Nothing about your relationship with Harry was perverse, Severus. In fact—"

"Please," Snape said, half-covering his ears, "I really don't want to hear about this now."

When the elder wizard remained silent, Snape continued kindly, acknowledging the concern that his friend was displaying, "Albus, there's no reason you need to hang around here. You should get some sleep too."

Dumbledore studied Severus for a long moment before responding, "Alright. But before I leave you to your book, Severus, I hope you'll consent to one more examination, this one by me. It won't take but a tick."

Snape eyed Dumbledore somewhat suspiciously before asking, "What sort of examination?"

"Given the strain you were under just before you collapsed, I just want to see that your mental walls are intact. Nothing invasive, I promise," Dumbledore reassured.

"I'm fine, Albus," Snape insisted. "If my walls were down, you'd be the first to know it I'm sure."

"Still, if it's alright with you," Dumbledore said gently, "I'd prefer to see myself."

It took Snape a few seconds, but ultimately he gave a reluctant nod of agreement.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Determined to gain as much information about Severus's condition as possible, Dumbledore was reading everything he could on the topic of memory. He'd also contacted several of his old colleagues and discretely plied them for information about repressed memory and the circumstances of selective amnesia. But truth be told, there were few, if any, witches or wizards with the knowledge of Occlumency and Psychlimency that Dumbledore possessed. And none that understood Severus's rare capacity to control the organization of his mind or his ability to camouflage memory within the far reaches of his consciousness.

Dumbledore knew that Severus's mental walls had been slipping over the past week since his encounter with Voldemort; at times, he'd been able to hear Severus's thoughts without prompting. Dumbledore believed that Severus had finally lost nearly all control over his mental walls that night on the tower with Harry, and without those walls providing the necessary structure and stability, he'd most likely suffered a mental breakdown.

As a result, Dumbledore was quite surprised by what he'd seen during his examination of Severus's mind in the hospital wing. Although the examination was rather cursory, Severus's mental walls and the overall organization of his mind was nothing like the chaotic mess he'd expected. In fact, on the surface, everything appeared quite stable, with defined order and pattern.

He did not probe deeper, as he had promised Severus he would not, but his superficial entry had left him without the tiniest glimpse of the memories of Harry or his traumatic experiences with Voldemort. In truth, Dumbledore had half-expected to spot them, their misplacement evident immediately to him, even if they were not to Severus.

Dumbledore theorized that the outer order of Severus's mind could quite possibly allow him to retain his amnesia for longer than expected, possibly even upwards of a week. He was certain that the depths of Severus's mind below his main walls were a chaotic mess, his mind warring with its own self, the offending memories trying to come into consciousness once more. He knew without doubt that when that moment came, Severus would fall ill again, perhaps far worse than before. And Dumbledore was determined to be ready to help his friend the moment that happened.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Just as she'd promised, Pomfrey had released Snape on Saturday afternoon with a pledge that if any of his memories returned, he would notify her and the Headmaster immediately. Dumbledore had checked in on him on Sunday, and his condition and demeanor had remained unchanged. And to the Headmaster's surprise, Severus had insisted on teaching his classes.

With Monday's classes now over, Dumbledore was expecting Harry at any moment, eager for a report on how Severus had handled teaching a class with him in it.

Dumbledore sensed a visitor on his ascending staircase, and a moment later his heavy oak door opened and Harry strode in.

"Have a seat, my boy. How are you?"

"Okay, I guess."

"So tell me, how was Potions?"

"Nothing different," Harry replied dejectedly. "Severus was ignoring me before, and he's ignoring me now."

"Did he seem troubled in any way?" Dumbledore asked.

"Not that I could tell."

"I see. Well, it's only been two days, Harry. As Poppy and I mentioned, it might take some time for him to regain his memories."

"How long exactly?"

"It's hard to say for certain, my boy. A few days, a week maybe. But he will remember, Harry," Dumbledore insisted. "The memories are there; Severus is simply repressing them."

"So he'll get better?"

"Not immediately. It will be complicated."

"Because he'll be sick," Harry said, realizing what Dumbledore meant. "Like he was before?"

"In all likelihood his mind won't let him remember everything at once – which will be fortunate. The memories will start coming back in bits… he may remember your relationship first, with the traumatic events remaining repressed. In fact, it would be better for him if it happens that way. Then I'll be able to help him deal with the memories one by one."

Harry considered this information for a long moment, his expression pensive. When he finally spoke, he did so with conviction. "I want to see him."

Harry sensed Dumbledore's hesitation and added quickly, "Unless you think I'll hurt him." Harry threw his head in his hands and tried to hold back the tears as he said hoarsely, "I caused this, didn't I?"

"No, Harry," Dumbledore said gently. "Your presence on the tower certainly didn't help, but Severus was heading for a mental breakdown regardless. I was hoping to get him the help he needed before it happened, but I confess that I did not accurately understand the degree of Severus's turmoil."

"So I shouldn't see him then?"

"Honestly," Dumbledore began, "at the moment, I'm more worried about the damage it would do to you."

"To me? I don't understand," Harry replied in confusion.

"He doesn't remember, Harry. If he appeared disoriented or unwell, it would be easier to accept as a condition of his illness. But he's not. He will not speak to you or respond to you in the way you are accustomed. The Severus you know is gone at the moment. Seeing him now without his memories intact would feel akin to losing him."

"I can't believe this is happening," Harry said, tears filling his eyes.

"It will be alright."

"It will?"

"I promise," Dumbledore reassured.

Harry took a moment to collect himself before continuing, "If it's alright with you, Professor, I'd like to see him anyway. I need to."

Dumbledore studied the young man seated in front of him carefully, admiring his strength, but also questioning his reasoning. He would have to make sure to speak to Severus first, of course, elicit a promise that he be nothing but polite to Harry. And in the back of Dumbledore's mind was a voice telling him that such a meeting might be just the prompting Severus needed to trigger his memories to surface. "Alright then, if he agrees to see you, then of course you may see him, provided I'm right outside the door in case things get out of hand."

Harry nodded his understanding.

"If I might ask, Harry, what is it you want to tell Severus?"

A pause. "That even if he doesn't remember or feel the same way now that he did before, I love him and will wait for him. No matter how long it takes. Please I have to tell him…" Harry could no longer hold back the sobs that wracked his body. Between hiccupping gasps, he barely managed to ask, "Is… that… okay?"

Dumbledore was on his feet in an instant, his arms surrounding the trembling young man. "I think that'll be just fine, my boy."

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Author's Note: I worked hard to get this chapter to you all quicker than usual... hope it answers your questions about Severus's amnesia and that you find the concept of Severus's condition (lacunar amnesia complicated with insane occlumency) a stimulating one. Can't wait to hear what everyone thinks.

And I promise that in the next chapter Harry will get to speak with Severus. That didn't quite fit in this one…

Thank you as always to Molvanian Queen-In-Exile and Ketsurui for the beta.

Feedback is always greatly appreciated.