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Chapter 12: The Aftermath
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Toph sat by him, her hand clasped over his larger one. She had been like this for the past several hours- ever since the end of the battle.
Katara had told her later that during the fight Ami just disappeared. Katara then took Ty Lee off of Sokka's hands so that he could take a rest from the chi-blocker and focus his efforts into other matters- of course, what he'd actually done hadn't been what she'd had in mind.
They'd encountered Iroh and his "back-up" ("back-up" meaning twenty soldiers) on their journey back to Appa. Help had come much too late, and Iroh expressed his sincerest apologies at not being there and his deep regret for letting the rebels get away. The gang was planning to visit Fire Lord Zuko and see if he had any new leads now that their old one was no longer useful. Ty Lee, Mai, and their men had vanished without a trace. Iroh was still trying to catch and follow their trail, but you don't work with Azula for nearly five years and not end up with some talent of evading pursuers.
So that was where they were now, riding on Appa and hoping beyond hope that Sokka stayed with them.
Momo, Katara and Aang were asleep. Appa was directing himself to the Fire Lord's palace; Toph could not even begin to think of rest. She wasn't tired. How could anyone be tired? How could anyone even consider sleep without knowing whether or not Sokka would still be alive when they awoke?
"Snoozles?"
Her only reply was the ragged breath that issued from his nose and mouth.
"I guess you're tired too, huh? I don't blame you. That fight... it took a lot out of me, too." She brushed the back of her hand over his cheek. He was cool. "Here, I'll get you another blanket if you want..." She stood and steadily walked forward to where Katara was, to where she held the bundle of extra blankets.
I hope he's okay. He has to be okay.
She took an extra blanket and brought it to him. She covered him with it and hoped that it would keep him warm. "I'm gonna get Ru back, you know," she said, her voice cracking a little. "He'll pay. I'll make him pay." She took his hand again.
She willed him to live, needed him to. He couldn't just leave her like that. What about the two of them? What if they had a future? What if he never lived to say another sarcastic remark? What if he never lived to see Katara and Aang's firstborn child, what if he never again could wake up and hear her voice? What if she could never again hear his? Could she live like that?
No, she couldn't. She needed him, couldn't live properly without him by her side. She had missed him for a month before, when she had been cooped up in Ba Sing Se... but even then she had known -with some amazing sureness that could not be and yet could only be natural- that he was alright. If something happened to him, she didn't think she would be able to handle it. What if he died? What if he died right now, right then, right at that moment, right as her hand clutched his? It could happen. She knew it.
"You just hold tight, okay? You're gonna live, I know it. And I don't say things I don't mean. Brutal honesty, remember?" She forced a chuckle, just in case he could actually hear her.
Aang mumbled something in his sleep, and Toph directed her expression toward his limp, resting mass. "We're going to see Zuko," she continued, trying to be conversational. "I'll bet Master Arrowhead'll love that." The chuckle was natural this time. "Of course, Sugar Queen will drive him nuts. And when I say him, I'm not quite sure if I mean Aang or Scarface. To be honest, your sister makes everyone come up a few marbles short, if you catch my drift."
She could almost hear his murmurs of agreement; it was enough to make her keep going. "So what do you think will happen after this mission is over?"
She imagined him saying a dozen things; the only thing she actually heard was Appa's tail flapping gently. "Personally," she said thoughtfully, as though he'd asked, "I think Aang and Katara will dump us again. All in favor of that fate say 'I.'" This time the silence was welcomed. "I guess that means we'll stick together this time, hm?"
Ragged breathing. She was getting used to it. Better than nothing, she conceded; she wanted more of a response than just the sound of his breathing-- not that she was complaining or anything.
"So, um..." She blushed a little as she continued her one-sided discussion. "Was there any place you wanted to go in particular? I've always kind of wanted to go to New Omashu and meet this King Bumi. I hear his 116th birthday is coming around." She tucked her knees closer with her spare arm. "We could go anywhere, anywhere at all."
You probably want to go to the South Pole and see your dad, she thought, a pang of guilt twisting her stomach. She hadn't seen her own parents in four years... four whole, substantial years. They'd gone four years without knowing how tall she was, what condition she was in, whether she was even alive or dead. Toph figured that it must hurt not seeing your only daughter for four years. She suspected they knew she was at least alive- it would be a phenomenon if someone from Aang's elite group passed away.
These thoughts sent her spiraling back to Sokka. Here he was, in more physical pain than she could ever imagine, and she was thinking about her own parents. But then, what were you supposed to think about when the one you reserve your affection for was on the verge of death? She was sure she had a winning poem or song there, and the thought amused her. Could you be amused when you were under her circumstances?
She didn't know, nor did she really care. She was the only one around to pay attention to her actions, so as far as she was concerned she could do anything. "I'm running out of things to talk about," she whispered, suddenly bringing the forlorn feelings of before back. "I just..." Should I spill my guts out? Is he really out of it? "I don't know what to do. Sokka, I want you to be okay, but there's nothing I can do... it's like I'm helpless, and I hate that feeling, you know?" She didn't expect a reply. "It scares me, Sokka, and I just... I just don't want you to go..."
She didn't like to cry. She hated crying, hated it worse than bleeding, and yet... there was no one around to witness her vulnerability. It was okay, just for now, to let a few tears go astray. "The last time I cried was in Ba Sing Se," she said quietly. She felt like she was sharing a huge secret- she didn't like people to see a softer side of her. If she thought he could actually hear her, she wouldn't have told him that. "This snobby rich woman was bothering me about Lotus's earthbending education. I told her to get lost, but... we got in a fight, and it reminded me of a fight I'd imagined my mother and I having. It felt personal, so I teared up- stupid, I know." She turned her face away from him, ashamed. But what was she ashamed of? Was it that she felt silly for crying and being "weak," or was it the fact that she'd shared something so personal with Sokka?
She used the heel of her hand to wipe away more tears threatening to spill from her eyes. "This is crazy. I'm crazy. Why the heck am I talking to a person who probably can't even hear a word I'm saying?" She allowed her blind gaze to return to the boy at her side. "I guess it's the only way I can think of helping you. What else can I do?"
She considered retrieving a few more blankets, but she didn't want him to burn up. It was a warm summer night already. What about water? No, something might happen- she could drown him or he could choke or- there were a million things that could go wrong. The only thing she could think of to do was the one thing that she'd always been taught sick people needed- keeping them company.
How long will he be like this, she wondered. When will he gets better? Can't I do anything else besides hold pointless one-sided conversations?
She wanted to help, to do something, anything, but the realization that there was nothing she could do began to overwhelm her. She kept holding his hand, though, and sometimes she hummed when she could think of nothing else to do, and when she finally began to feel tired, she stayed at his side.
"I miss you, Sokka."
She felt a light tug at her hand, and she knew he would be okay.