2.
Sam's Bad Fur Day Afternoon.
A rather gruesome sight welcomed the improvised chauffer drivers as they encountered a preoccupying amount of nutjobs on their way.
A couple of ninja girls were struggling with each other over a rare copy of "Ninja Gayden", eeeerrrrr, I mean "Gaiden".
"That's not even funny."
Shut up, Max! Anyway… Behind them, another couple of people (if you would go so far to consider them human), specifically, a couple of excessively nerdy freaks, was busy playing "Super Smash Bros." for the N64.
"Ehi Sam, why weren't we in "Brawl", anyway? That blue pinhead was!"
"Well, Max… How can I say this kindly… We're not famous enough." At Sam's straight words, Max deformed grin frowned faster than a Star Trek fan in a Star Wars convention. "… But don't lose your typical, obnoxious and potentially genocidal spirit, little buddy… If we manage to get a little bit more popular, then in just a few short decades we'll may be able to appear in a SSB game as… Useless bonus stick."
"YAY!" Yelled Max, NOT is sarcasm...
"5 years of Saturday Night Live therapy, completely wasted…" Muttered the dog.
As they proceeded, they also met a crazed science weirdo, a karaoke robot, a dancing son of the 70's with a giant afro, a martial arts master and his overly eager apprentice…
"In other words, the kind of people you would except to find in… THE VIDEOGAME INDUSTRY!!!"
"Estuans interius
Ira vehementi
Estuans interius
Ira vehementi…"
"Cut it out, Max! That joke has gotten old fast."
"Sorry… I'm a fool! Ehi, can I borrow the Buster Sword for inflicting gory punishment to my multiple enemies?"
"Only if you can stand RPG fights."
"I'll pass then…"
"What are you two blabbering about?" The sudden voice of their multi-tasks taker guide, Mona, abruptly interrupted another one of their pointless dialogues. "Whatever… Here's your nametags, wear it proudly and they won't suck your soul… Maybe." She said, while giving them a couple of tags… The horror! Predictable complains didn't late to arrive.
"Ehi, my name is not Sam Aran!!" Protested Sam to an already distracted cheerleader / mascot / waiter / insert a job here, girl. Max, on the other hand, was quite pleased with his nametag.
"Cool… I'm Max Payne!!! Sam, I want you to call me like that, from now on."
"I will roll you under the Desoto before that would ever happen." Sam answered calmly.
"Thank you!"
"Just duty, little buddy… And fun too."
"Have you two finished? We couldn't afford better tags in such little time so get used to it… Now, will you please GET THE FREAKING CAR AND GO THE AIRPORT!!!? We don't want to displease Mr Miyamoto." At this, Sam got excited once again, like a puppy on a hydrant.
"Shigeru Miyamoto! The one who's face could be seen on Mars, the one who single handedly defeated 1.000.000 Koopa with just a wave of his hand, the one… I'll shut up, now."
"Good… Now GO!!!"
"Ehi Sam, can I drive?"
"For the sake of every living being on Earth… No!" He hastily answered.
"Awwww…"
The limousine was fancy and classy… Too bad it was destroyed after the first two meters of road by a random flying cow fallen from the sky. For that reason, the two anthropomorphic freaks had to get their loyal, random falling cow proof, Desoto, for their assigned task… A simple, easy task with no obstacles whatsoever… If you don't count that living giant pile of excrement that was blocking their way.
"Holy mother of all obscene puns!! The unmistakable giant form of a living, breathing piece of you-know-what is blocking our way!" Cried Sam, who, for the sake of all living things, was driving the car.
"Shall we turn that stinky turd into liquefied poop, Sam?" The Max of Pain, eagerly asked.
"Can't think of a reason not to…" As soon as Sam said that, the almighty mount poop, opened its large mouth and began… To sing!?
I am the great mighty poo
and I'm going to throw my shit at you
a huge supply of tish
come from my chocolate star fish
how about some scat you little twats.
"That's… Horrible!"
"The song is pretty catchy, though."
"What are gonna do, Sam? I'm too cute and sellable to end up buried in poo!"
"Well… If this was your average videogame parody, then we would have probably had to launch several sets of paper sheet into its large mouth for a while… Unfortunately, this is NOT that kind of parody… So, instead of running away for our life, we're going to do some… Micro games!" Needless to say, Max frowned like the unlucky reader of a fanfiction. "Hold your Form Baton, Max!" Sam yelled.
"You mean this Wii Remote?"
"Just do it… And follow the instructions!"
An ancient piece of paper appeared out of nowhere. Written on it, were the instructions of what position the Baton had to be put in for the following short challenges:
"The Remote Control: Hold the Form Baton in your hand like a TV remote. This fancy position is based upon one of the most famous, and fiercest, sports… Channel Surfing."
"Ok little buddy, you heard God's voice talking through a piece of paper, now do what he said!" And thus, the games began:
Salute! Done.
Pick from the nose! Done.
Kick the ball! Done.
Do you really think you'll survive in here
you don't seem to know which creek your in
sweet corn is the only thing that makes it through my rear
how'd you think i keep this lovely grin(ting)
(have some more caviar).
"We're doing good, Max, keep it going!!"
Shoot the puppy! Done.
Cheat the taxes! Done.
Avoid jail! Done by some miracle.
Now I'm getting rather mad
you're like a niggly tiggly shitty little tag nut
when I'll knock you out with all my bab
I'm going to take your head and ram it up my butt
"Your butt?"
Yes my butt
"Your butt???"
That's right my butt
"Ewww…"
My butt
"EWWWW!!!"
MY BUTT!!!
"It's almost done for… Hold on, Max!!"
"I think I'm gonna puke… This is too ridiculous!"
Assume Drugs! Done.
Piss on the hydrant! Done.
"EHI!!! That was insensitive!"
Ignore Sam's lame complains! Done.
Kill president Kennedy! Done.
Boss stage: Hug the overly cute kitten.
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!"
"… Just do it, Max. We'll deal with your mental trauma later."
Done.
Success!
Oh you cursed dog and rabbity thing, look what you've done, I'm flushing, I'm flushing. Oh what a world what a world. Who'd thought some little puny characters like you could destroy my beautiful claginess. Oh I'm going awwww noooooo arrghhhhhhhhhhh!!!
"Now, that's what I call… Bowel movement!!"
"I hate you when you do these things, Sam."
Once the Great Mighty Menace has been dealt with, the two freelance drivers finally reached the airport… A mysterious individual was awaiting for them, surrounded by some magical fairy powder and with a gorilla beside him… A real furry Gorilla with a… Tie.
"How do we recognize that Miyamoto guy, Sam?" The dog just rolled his eyes at his buddy's ignorance.
"He shall recognize us…" Stated Sam in a creepy, deep tone. Max gave him a odd look, odder than usual. "Oh for the love… He's right there, Max!" The distressed McGruff sibling yelled.
The almighty figure told something to his primate bodyguard, which left the zone immediately after receiving a kidnapped princess as a reward for his duty. The Asian looking entity then slowly walked over our heroes' Desoto… A trio of red turtle shells floating around his body began targeting a few cars, in the process. Miyamoto Sama stopped right in front of the vehicle, his face showed a small amount of disdain that managed to worry Sam… The last thing he wanted was to be turned into a Toad and put inside the wrong castle. With just a single movement of his hair, the Nintendo God ordered his fairies to transform the Desoto into a more appropriate vehicle for his own greatness… A mushroom spaceship!
"Aargh! What did that cucco do to our car!?"
"Be patient, Max… We don't want to irate a person that could easily exile us into the Twilight Realm for the rest of our life, do we?" Max had to settle down.
Miyamoto entered the "improved vessel of his magnificence" without saying anything. Sam and Max gave him a bewildered and God fearful look, before eventually igniting the engine and… Going to space at light speed!?
"I hate Mondays." A very scornful Max stated while their former car bounced relentlessly from a small planet to another, again and again and again…
The last Metroid is in captivity… The galaxy is at peace.
"OH, SHUT UP!!!"
Sorry, Max.