In Memory's Wake Chapter 15: In memory's wake, a harry potter fanfic

Title: In Memory's Wake
Author: Cocoa-Snape (aka CocoaSnape)
Pairing: Snape/Harry
Disclaimer: No money is being made and no copyright infringement is intended.

In Memory's Wake by CocoaSnape

Chapter 15: In memory's wake

Four days after Severus Snape had lost his memories, Dumbledore was astounded to find his demeanor as unaffected as ever. He'd survived the weekend and two days of classes without incident. After all that had transpired, Dumbledore was still surprised each time he saw his Potions Master, attending every meal without fail and carrying on his usual snarky conversations with the faculty.

This evening, he'd invited Severus to his quarters for tea. There were several things he needed to discuss with him. When Severus entered, shutting the heavy oak door behind him, Dumbledore beckoned him into the sitting room.

"Thank you for coming, Severus."

"Of course. I never say no to your invitations, Albus," Snape replied, adding genially, "Especially not when there are biscuits at stake."

Dumbledore chuckled. However strange the circumstances might have been, it was nice to see Severus in such good spirits. "They're from the kitchens, Severus. You can get as many as you like."

Snape shook his head in disagreement, amusement in his eyes. "I beg to differ. The ones the elves bake for you are infinitely better. Ask any of the staff; they'll tell you."

"Well, I suppose that's one of the perks of the job then," Dumbledore replied with a smile as his friend reached for a chocolate biscuit and took a big bite.

Snape became aware of Albus's silence and when he looked up, he could see that he was being stared at. "What?" he asked, his mouth full of biscuit.

"It's just so good to see you like this, my boy, even if you're not completely yourself. Tell me, how are you feeling?"

"Fine. I saw Poppy today. She said the same."

"That's reassuring to hear."

"Albus, how long exactly do I have to keep getting these daily check-ups?"

"It's only been four days, Severus. Humor me." A pause. "I take it that none of your memories have returned?"

"No."

"Hmm. How are your classes going?"

Snape took another biscuit. "Fine."

"You had the Gryffindors again today. Did seeing Harry provoke any sort of emotional response?" Dumbledore asked curiously.

Snape nearly choked on his biscuit. "You mean except the usual urge to tell him what an impertinent brat he is?"

"Come now, Severus," Dumbledore reprimanded. "You have better memories of him than that. Besides, the brain is designed to preserve emotionally strong memories. Even amnesiacs, under the right circumstances, can remember their past feelings."

Snape was slightly annoyed by this turn of conversation and thought it best to remain silent.

"Are you having any nightmares?" Dumbledore asked, continuing his line of questioning.

"No. Why? Should I be having nightmares?" Snape asked, then added in jest, "Was my relationship with Mr. Potter worthy of provoking nightmares?"

When Dumbledore did not answer, Snape pressed with growing irritation, "Really, Albus, why don't you just tell me what it is exactly that I've forgotten? This guessing game is growing tedious."

"I'd rather not do that just yet, Severus."

"And why not?"

"There is no way of predicting how your mind will react to the sudden knowledge of what it has buried. The memories might force themselves to the forefront of your consciousness with unforeseen consequences. I think it more prudent to allow your memories to return in their own time, to minimize the risk of damage."

Snape carefully contemplated the Headmaster's words before responding, "But you told me about my relationship with Potter."

"That's quite different, Severus, as you well know." As Dumbledore poured him and his guest fresh cups of tea, he began hesitantly, "There's another reason I asked you here, my boy, other than to inquire about your health and stuff you with biscuits."

"Oh?"

"Harry has expressed an interest in speaking with you."

"What on earth about?" Snape asked in surprise.

"And I think you should speak with him."

"What the hell for?"

"Severus, can't you for one second put yourself in his position?"

When Severus responded only by rolling his eyes, Dumbledore continued, "He is confused about your future."

"Future? There is no future."

"Severus, he is suffering a great deal and I think at the very least you owe it to him to hear him out."

"So I'm the one who suffers some supposed mental breakdown and memory loss and yet I'm asked to deal with an emotionally distraught teenager?" Snape asked irately.

Dumbledore heaved a deep sigh. "First of all, I would appreciate it if you could stop referring to those events as 'supposed.' I would never be untruthful with you, Severus, and this issue is no exception. But to your point," Dumbledore continued seriously, "you are absolutely right, my boy. It would be wrong of me to consider Harry's wishes above your own in this situation. It's just that you are so much like your old self it's easy to forget how much you've been affected. If you really cannot bear to see him, then―"

"I can bear it just fine, Albus," Snape said in an affronted tone.

After a long pause, Dumbledore continued, "Then if you wouldn't mind doing me this favor and seeing him, I would appreciate it. Besides, you know very well how Harry can get when he's determined."

Snape groaned at the mental image that provoked. "Will this satisfy his urge to speak with me once and for all? Because if he starts lurking about after class, I won't have it."

"I don't think that will happen if you give him this opportunity, Severus, but I will speak with him."

"Alright then," Snape agreed, after having weighed the possibility of dealing with Harry Potter on his own, "I'll see him if it puts this to rest."

"Thank you, Severus," Dumbledore said in relief. He had yet to figure out how he was going to get Severus to promise to be on his best behavior. But that conversation would have to wait for another time. There were other more pressing matters to discuss.

"Severus, we need to have a serious conversation now."

"For Merlin's sake, this hasn't been serious up until now?" Snape asked in half-astonishment.

"We need to discuss what to do if you are summoned by Voldemort."

"What is there to discuss? I'll go," Snape said simply.

"No. No you will not," Dumbledore said firmly. At his Potions Master's puzzled expression, Dumbledore explained, "Severus, you have lost key memories that Voldemort will expect you to have, including significant events of several meetings. You cannot bluff your way through this, my boy."

"Then just tell me what it is I need to know."

"No. As I said earlier, that puts you at risk for undue injury. Either way, Voldemort may be able to detect your altered mental state. The change in your Occlumency shields alone might perk his curiosity, and that would not be advisable."

"Albus, you do realize what not going back means," Snape said, astounded by Dumbledore's decision.

"Trust me, Severus," Dumbledore responded seriously, "I am quite aware." Both knew that Severus's failure to respond to Voldemort's summons, even once, would mean an end to his role as a spy and the Order losing its most valuable source of insider information of Voldemort and his plans. Despite Dumbledore's reluctance to give up this key strategic element, he was prepared to accept that if it meant keeping Severus safe. And Snape, despite his most fervent desire to directly contribute to that monster's final demise, would obey Dumbledore's directive once it was decided upon.

Each man sat in silent contemplation of what this decision would mean. Finally, Snape spoke. "There has to be a better way."

"I'm afraid there isn't."

A pause. "You know, the last time I was summoned," Snape said pensively, "was a week and a half ago, wasn't it?"

"Yes."

"Well then, unless something of consequence occurs, there's a very small chance I'll be summoned in the next few weeks. He's trying to lay low at the moment and doesn't call that often. This may be a moot point."

"Yes, well, I just wanted to discuss this and make sure we were in agreement."

"I understand."

"Excellent. Would you care for another biscuit?"

Snape didn't have to be asked twice.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

As soon as his classes were over for the day, Harry received a note indicating that he should report to the Headmaster's office. He knew immediately that this was to be his meeting with Severus, arranged as he'd requested by Professor Dumbledore.

The thought of seeing Severus again after all that had transpired made his stomach clench with a combination of eager anticipation and anxious dread. He'd spent most of the night awake, thinking about what he was going to say to Severus, half-wondering if perhaps his presence, his very words might trigger Severus's memories to return. As he walked down the corridor, running over the mental list of thing he wanted to say, he did not see Hermione coming the other way and nearly collided with her.

"Oh, I'm sorry, Harry," Hermione apologized. "You seem like you're in awful hurry."

"Yeah, I'm going to see Professor Dumbledore."

"Oh. Is everything alright?" Hermione asked, concern creeping into her voice. "You're not having any more dreams are you?"

"No, nothing like that. Everything is fine."

"So listen, Harry," Hermione continued, oblivious to Harry's anxious demeanor, "I've been meaning to ask you this all week, but you've been so hard to track down. When would be a good time to come and see Professor Snape?"

Harry went pale at the mere suggestion. The last thing he needed was for Hermione to know what was going on.

Hermione continued unfazed, "I've been poring over those Runes text he lent me, and I found some things I think he'll find interesting."

"Well, Severus has been sick," Harry supplied weakly.

"I thought he's better now… he's been teaching the past two days, hasn't he?"

"Yeah. Just… now's not a good time, Hermione."

"Oh, okay. I'll just drop by later and return the books to him."

"That's not a good idea, Hermione. I know Severus said you could use his library anytime, but things are… busy right now for him."

"Well can you ask him tonight when would be good for him to speak to me?"

"I don't think now's a good time―"

"But Harry―"

"I said not now!" Harry snapped, his voice rising to a shout.

Hermione visibly startled.

"I'm sorry, 'Mione, things are complicated. I can't talk about it."

Hermione studied Harry for a long moment before saying, "Alright. Well then, just give these back for me then," she said, reaching into her bag and pulling out the three Runes books Snape had given her.

She turned to leave, but a moment later thought better of it and turned around. Her expression was gentle, yet hesitant as she said, "You know, Harry, I just want you to know that I'm always here to listen if you want someone to talk to. And whatever it is that's bothering you, you know I wouldn't tell a soul. I'll see you later."

With that, she walked off down the corridor.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Dumbledore was pacing about anxiously, wondering how this meeting would impact Severus's demeanor and his memories. He was also concerned about how Harry would fair after speaking with Severus.

"Albus, for Merlin's sake, you're going to wear a hole in the stone floor," Snape admonished.

"You're right, my boy. Ah," Dumbledore said, aware of his staircase activating, "that's Harry now. Now, remember you promised to be nice…"

"Yes, yes, I know, Albus," Snape said in a half-annoyed, half-bored tone, indicating that he'd heard this many times before.

As soon as the oak door to his quarters opened, Dumbledore beckoned Harry to join them in his study. "Come in, Harry," Dumbledore urged, standing when Harry entered. "I'll just be outside in my office if either of you needs me."

Having been rehearsing what he was going to say to Severus for the better part of the day, Harry was dumbfounded to find himself without a clue of what to say at this precise moment. Seeing Severus seated comfortably on the Headmaster's sofa, seemingly without a care in the world was initially quite the jarring image. It brought him back immediately to what things had been like just over a week ago. Only a week ago! After all the events that had transpired, it felt much like a lifetime ago. He and Severus had been so happy. Everything had been nearly perfect. The very thought that Severus had forgotten all those moments was beyond disheartening, it was devastating.

As he studied his lover, Harry realized that what he chose to say and not say in the next few minutes might very well have a profound impact on Severus's memories. And Harry was determined to accomplish his goal for this face-to-face meeting – that whether Severus remembered those times or not, he would walk away knowing that he was loved. And maybe that would be just the notion that would bring all the memories back.

The first words seemed unwilling to leave Harry's mouth. Realizing what he was carrying, he used it to initiate the conversation.

"Oh, before I forget, these are yours," Harry said, holding the Runes texts out for Severus to take.

Snape took them and a quick glance at the titles told him they were from his library. "How did you get these?"

"You loaned them to Hermione," Harry answered simply, deciding it was best not to elaborate.

"To Miss Granger?" Snape asked in clarification, unable to fathom that he would ever do such a thing.

"Yes. You asked her to help you out on a project."

Snape's eyes boggled. "Miss Granger is helping me? On what, pray tell?"

"Something to do with the Pensieve Professor Dumbledore got you." Harry paused a moment and asked carefully, "Do you remember that?"

"Of course I do," Snape answered a little shortly.

"Oh. Well, I don't know the details. You asked her to do some research into interpreting the Runes on the Pensieve."

"And why precisely would I do that?" Snape inquired.

"You told her that you weren't very good at Runes and could use her help."

"Hmm." Snape didn't like the sound of this. Not so much the idea of Hermione Granger lending her opinion on the Runes, but this young man's brashness at assuming that he needed Miss Granger's help. It irritated him.

"Perhaps we should get to the point of this meeting," Snape suggested brusquely.

That was easier said than done, Harry thought. Summoning his courage, his began, "Severus, I just wanted you to know I…" Harry paused to take a deep breath and tried unsuccessfully to ignore Severus's wince at the use of his first name.

The pause was further irritating Snape, who tapped his fingers against his crossed arms. The sign of obvious impatience from his lover caused Harry to sigh.

"Something the matter, Potter?" Snape prodded.

It was Harry's turn to wince at the unwelcome moniker, particularly the tone that accompanied it.

"No," Harry replied, trying to keep his voice neutral, but failing miserably, "it's just been a while since you've been like this with me."

"Hmm." Get used to it. That's what he'd wanted to say, but Snape held his tongue.

Harry took a steadying breath, determined to finish his thought. "What I wanted to tell you is that I know you have a lot of things to deal with and that you don't remember a lot, but that… but that I'll be waiting for you for when you're ready. Because I―"

"You'll be waiting forever, Potter," Snape interrupted.

"Please don't say that," Harry said desperately. "You don't remember, I know, but we were together, and―"

"So I'm told," Snape said tersely, "even though as I listen to your sentimental declarations, I find the idea utterly unbelievable. But if it is true, then I must have been out of my mind, or at the very least, drunk when it happened."

Harry did a double take. Was Severus under the impression that this had been an isolated fling between them? Something that had happened after one or both of them had had too much to drink? The very idea cheapened their relationship to a level that Harry could not ignore. When he spoke, he let his irritation at the notion show.

"It wasn't like that! This wasn't a one-off thing. Didn't Professor Dumbledore tell you?"

"He said plenty. I was not really listening," Snape confessed nonchalantly.

"We've been together for over two months," Harry supplied significantly.

Snape's eyes widened at that.

"Well," Harry continued, "longer than that if you consider the time in October. It's complicated, but I'll explain it if you want to know."

The truth of the matter was that Snape was dying to know. How on earth had he and this boy ever become an item? It was so preposterous, the story surrounding it must have been incredible. But the young man's obvious eagerness to relay the tale was enough for Snape to balk at the idea of hearing it.

"What is there to know?" Snape said. "You are an immature 17-year-old that has been the bane of my existence for years, Potter. There is no doubt what happened. I committed an indiscretion, likely fueled by some strange sexual tension that developed during our forced proximity while in our lessons. In all likelihood, the stressful events Albus mentioned were affecting me at the time must have clouded my judgment."

Harry could barely stand to hear another word. He turned his gaze away and tried to conceal the tears forming in his eyes at the tone of Severus's clinical, albeit inaccurate, description.

For his part, Snape couldn't believe Harry Potter was crying in front of him. Once he might of relished the thought, but not at the moment. True, he was aware that he was being a bit of an arse, but he was quite stunned that his words were affecting the boy this way.

"Potter," Snape began tentatively, his voice dropping to a more soothing tone, "I apologize if my words are harsh. I admit that I am not adept at these sorts of things," he said, waving his hands between them. "I am handling this poorly, I realize, and that is wrong of me. I should hear you out, especially given our truce."

Harry's eyes shot up in question.

"I do seem to remember something about a certain lessening of our animosity between us during your lessons," Snape supplied.

"That's right."

Snape studied the floor for a moment, his discomfort palpable to Harry. Slowly, he forced the words out. "I owe you an apology, Mr. Potter. I don't know the particulars, but I assume our involvement was…" he paused, searching for the word, "…well, that we had some involvement. And I am sorry if I, in any way, might have compromised your virtue."

Harry's eyes widened. He didn't know whether to shake with laughter or disbelief. "Are you asking if we've had sex?"

Snape put his hands up immediately. "I don't need to know that," he insisted, making it abundantly clear that he did not want to know if the answer were yes. "I just wanted to express my regrets if I did anything… inappropriate."

Harry was still stunned at the turn this conversation had taken. Of all the things for Severus to be worried about and apologizing for! Despite being acutely aware that Severus did not want to know, Harry was determined to supply the answer, lest it jog his lover's memory. "First of all, yes, we have had sex. Many, many times." Snape winced visibly at that pronouncement, closing his eyes as if in pain. "And second," Harry continued, "you didn't force me. Not at all."

Taking only a moment to recover from his embarrassment, Snape replied stoically, "Well, I suppose that is good to know. I realize you need closure in this matter – Albus explained that to me. Anyhow, in case it may be of concern to you, you are free from whatever arrangement we may have had."

"Excuse me?" Harry asked in confusion.

Snape was loathe to explain, but decided it was best to be clear on this point. "You are free to get yourself a boyfriend, or girlfriend," he amended quickly, muttering under his breath, "whomever it is you might prefer."

Snape was aware that he was being stared at as if he were a creature from the deep. A moment later, the young man responded to him with vehemence in his voice. "I don't want anyone else."

"What? You'd rather have your greasy Potions Master that doesn't even remember you?"

"Yes."

Snape couldn't help but laugh out loud at that. "Oh my," he said a moment later, recovering from the shock, "what on earth have I done to you?"

"I don't understand."

With a smirk tugging at his lips, and unable to resist, Snape said, "I realize that I'm quite adept in bed, but this is ridiculous."

"This isn't about sex," Harry responded immediately.

Snape couldn't quite believe he was actually discussing sex with Potter, but he pushed that thought aside. Not about sex? What else could this possibly be about?

"What the hell else could we possibly have in common, Potter? Not that I can even believe we have ever… been physical," Snape finished after searching for a proper euphemism. "Try to be serious, Potter."

Harry took a deep breath. "I know we're not the most obvious couple. We had to keep our relationship a secret―"

"Obviously."

"It hasn't been easy either, especially since I've basically been living with you and―"

"What? Living with me?" Snape asked in astonishment.

"Yes," Harry confirmed. "We were… I mean, we are in love, Severus."

"Love?" Snape choked out. Of all the insane things he'd heard in his lifetime, this one had to top the list. Potter loved him?

"And please don't say I'm confused," Harry said in earnest, "Trust me, you said that for months until you finally believed me."

Snape took a moment to consider the words before responding. Although he wasn't sure he believed Potter's assertion, he was fairly certain that Potter believed it and that was grounds enough to take him seriously. "Alright then, I suppose in that case I do owe you this conversation, and I understand why it is that Albus has asked to me speak with you." Snape paused a moment, searching for the right words. When he next spoke, he did so with great deliberation, "I apologize if your feelings for me were… more substantial than I thought, but that doesn't change matters. In fact, it is all the more reason you should move on – forget about me and find someone your own age and with a fully functioning mind. And I also apologize if I led you on in any way throughout the course of our… relationship," he finished, reluctantly saying that last word.

"You didn't lead me on, Severus," Harry said firmly. "You loved me."

"Potter, I don't think―"

Harry did not let Snape finish. "You told me!" he said fiercely. "You told me that you loved me. This wasn't some fling."

"I told you that I loved you?" Snape asked, his face awash in astonishment.

"Yes. Repeatedly."

"And you believed these words?" Snape asked, obviously trying to process the implications of this.

"Of course I did."

That seemed to sober Snape up at once, his expression growing at once pensive and pained. And Harry was pleased to see it. Perhaps finally, Severus was accepting the truth.

Harry was certainly not expecting Severus's next words.

"I see. It seems that I have not only taken advantage of you physically, but emotionally as well."

It took Harry a moment to understand. "You think you lied to me when you said you loved me?" Harry asked, affronted.

"That is the only reasonable conclusion."

"Do you really believe you'd ever tell such a lie? Or is it that even in this condition, knowing that you've forgotten so many things, that you still can't even imagine loving me?"

"Potter…"

"I told you I was going to be patient with you. That's not going to change, no matter how many hurtful things you say to me."

"You're wasting your time here, Potter. I already informed you that you should…"

"Move on! Yes, I know," Harry snapped, his face getting redder by the minute. He couldn't believe Severus was tossing him aside this way, even if he didn't remember. It wasn't supposed to be like this. "Like I was saying, I'm going to be patient, but do not take back things you said that you don't even remember. You have no idea how you felt… what you'll feel again!"

"Potter," Snape said sternly, "I would suggest you lower your voice this instant."

"No!" Harry shouted. "This is bullshit, Severus…"

"Professor Snape," Snape corrected, having long grown tired of having the impudent young man in front of him address him so familiarly.

"Fine," Harry snapped, "Professor Snape, this is bullshit, SIR!"

"Potter, get control of yourself this instant. Remember to whom you are speaking. I have tolerated enough of this because Albus has demanded that I be nice to you. And I have apologized – which I think is quite magnanimous on my part. Now if we are done with this dreadful conversation, I will be going."

Snape moved to leave the room, but Harry was having none of it. Mustering an inner strength he didn't know he had, he blocked the door. "No. Not until you at least acknowledge that you don't remember what happened and that it's possible that you might still feel the same way once your memories return. I know you don't love me now, but if you remembered, you wouldn't be saying these things. And you certainly wouldn't spit on our future together!"

"There is no future, Potter," Snape said shortly.

"How can you possibly say that?" Harry challenged.

"Potter, I'm trying to be patient here, but―"

"Fuck that! Say what you're thinking for Merlin's sake!" Harry demanded.

"Whatever happened was obviously a mistake…"

"You said you loved me."

"I lied."

The words forced Harry's eyes closed. That hurt. Too much to express. A moment later, he was lashing out again. Reaching inside his robe, Harry pulled the necklace Severus had given him over his head. Anger radiated from him as he spoke.

"Here then. I suppose this was a mistake?" Harry said, thrusting the necklace in Severus's face. "I suppose this was a lie? Or did you just give this to me for kicks? Or maybe just to get me in bed?" Harry paused a moment, giving the words time to sink in. His voice rose to a shout as he continued, "I've got news for you… you didn't need to! I would have had sex with you without it."

Snape's eyes went wide at that declaration, but perhaps more so by what Harry was holding in his hand. He recognized the ruby at once, but wouldn't let himself believe it. He must have been mistaken.

"Is that…?" Snape began, unable to finish the question.

"Yes. It's a piece of your family ring," Harry explained, his eyes welling up with tears. "You had this made for me. You gave it to me…" Harry paused, trying to steady his voice enough to speak. "You gave it to me just before the first time we made love. You said it made me part of your family… that you loved me." The tears were running down Harry's face as he finished in earnest, pouring his emotion out in front of his lover as he held out the amulet once more. "If you want to take that back, then you have to take this back too."

Harry was aware that Severus was staring at him, studying his tear-stained face and the ruby amulet in his hand. What he expected Severus to do then he didn't know, but certainly not what happened next.

"I am sorry, Potter," Snape said flatly, holding out his open hand.

Harry thought his heart might have stopped in that moment. His eyes were trained on Severus's extended hand, unable to believe what he was seeing, what was happening. Instinctively, his fist clenched tighter around the amulet, his body unwilling, unable to let it go.

The moment felt as though it dragged on for an eternity, as Harry held his breath and forced himself to think of what to do. When Severus did not waver, finally, even as he trembled from head to foot, Harry slowly opened his fist and watched the platinum serpent drop out his grasp.

The very next thing he knew he was sprinting out of the study, through Dumbledore's office, ignoring the Headmaster's calls for him to stop.

He ran down the spiral staircase, down the corridor, and finally out the main doors outside into the frigid weather. He kept running until he was too exhausted to move and plopped right down onto the cold ground.

He couldn't wrap his mind around what had just transpired. What was he going to do now? His whole life was Severus and now that was no more.

Everything he'd ever loved had been taken from him – the amulet, Severus. But perhaps worst of all, the entirety of their time together. All that they had shared had been erased, leaving him with nothing in memory's wake.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Author's Note: Hope I've suitably engaged you all and that everyone's still breathing.

Next chapter: Harry and Dumbledore wonder when Severus's memories will return (as i'm sure we all do).

Thank you as always to Molvanian Queen-In-Exile and Ketsurui for the beta.

Feedback is always greatly appreciated.

UPDATE NOTICE: I realize it's been some time since i've updated, and for that I apologize. Your patience is appreciated, but please note this story is not and will not be abandoned. Thanks again.