II don't own Grey's I wish I did!
Meredith smiled when her alarm went off at four-thirty. She was happy. She was returning to her favorite place. She was sure she was going to scrub in on a kick ass surgery. The only thing on her list of what not to do: Run into Derek. She threw on a clean top and jeans and jogged down the stairs and into the kitchen.
"It's a beautiful day to save lives, people." She said to Izzie and George. That is what Derek always says.
"So, are you happy, or what?" George grumbled.
"Did you wake up on the wrong side of the bed, George?" Meredith giggled.
"Yeah, only because he was in it by himself!" Izzie laughed.
"Shut up!" George shouted. Meredith rolled her eyes and poured some coffee in her cup.
"Aren't you going to eat, Mer?" Izzie asked as she took a bite of her english muffin.
"Nope. I'm good." She said. "Is it time to go yet?" Meredith asked happily.
"Not yet." George said loudly, rolling his eyes.
"Now?" Meredith asked, her eyes lit up. "Wait! I'm driving." She said, walking towards the door. "I can go now."
"But you're our ride!" George yelled as he heard the door open.
"Then you better hurry your ass up!" She said, walking to her car. They didn't follow. She turned the key and started the car. She started to pull out of the driveway when both Izzie and George came running out of the house. George had one shoe on and one in his hand.
"You weren't kidding!" Izzie laughed as she jumped in the Jeep.
"Now I have dirt on my socks." George whined, putting his shoes on.
"Oh, waa." Meredith joked.
"You say that, but just watch, I'll have to take my shoes off today and everyone will see my dirty socks." George pointed out.
"No one cares about your socks, George." Meredith pointed out.
They didn't talk much on the ride there. Meredith was wrapped up in how she would avoid Derek. It wasn't just the sex. She was worried that he would see it in her eyes. She didn't want him to think that there was a chance. She did have feeling towards him, but she was never going to let them show, and she was never going to act on them. Meredith pulled into the hospital parking lot and saw Derek getting out of his car.
"Crap!" Meredith said, pulling into a spot in the very back corner, farthest away from him.
"Why crap?" George asked dumbly, as he began to pull the door handle.
"It's nothing." Izzie said nonchalantly.
"Duck!" Meredith said. They all leaned down.
"Why are we ducking?" George asked, looking up at her.
"Um, no reason." Meredith said with a smile. "Stay down." She said, shoving George down. Meredith heard someone knock on the window. "Shit!" She looked up to see Cristina and sighed.
"Hiding from someone?" Cristina joked. "McDreamy, maybe?"
"Why would she be hiding from Dr. Shepherd?" George asked, climbing out of the Jeep.
"Maybe because she had crazy-hot sex with him, and now she's avoiding him!" Cristina spat. Meredith smacked her.
"You had sex with Shepherd?" George asked.
"We're going to be late." Meredith said, purposely rushing to the hospital entrance. Izzie nodded yes to George, whose eyes nearly popped out of his head. They all walked into the locker room. Some of the interns pointed and whispered, but Meredith wasn't going to let it get to her. She quickly changed into her scrubs and sat on the bench waiting for Dr. Bailey. She flung the door open and burst in.
"Welcome back, Grey. I'm sure the other interns are happy to have you back. Okay, rounds. Lets go!" She shouted as she marched out the door.
They walked into the first patient room. Meredith smiled. She was so happy to be back in the game. Preston Burke smiled and nodded when he saw Meredith. The hospital had been somewhat different without her. Maybe is was just less drama without her.
"Grey, you present." She said, shoving the chart towards her. Meredith grabbed it.
"Lydia Johnson is in for removal of the fatty buildup of plaque from the carotid artery. The main reason a carotid endarterectomy is performed is to reduce the risk of stroke. It's most beneficial for patients whose carotid arteries are narrowed nearly three-quarters of the way or more." Meredith said with a smile.
"Good, Grey. You're on the case." Dr. Burke said with a smile. Dr. Bailey and the rest of the interns walked out of the room. "It's good to have you back. Run these tests and book an OR." He said, as he walked out.
"Right away. Sir." She yelled out. "So how are you today, Mrs. Johnson?" Meredith asked.
"I'm good. I just hate being in the hospital." She laughed. Meredith saw Derek at the nurses station. He was just getting ready to turn around, he had heard her voice. Meredith dropped to the floor behind the bed. "Um, Dr. Grey, are you okay?" She asked. Meredith put her finger up to her lips. "Oh, man troubles, I see... He's gone." Meredith slowly rose.
"I'm sorry. That was completely unprofessional of me." Meredith apologized.
"No, no. I understand. I've been there." She chuckled as Meredith wheeled her out of the room.
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"Have you talked to Meredith?" Derek said as he walked up to Addison.
"No, why?" Addison said, looking over her glasses.
"Um, no reason." Derek said as he looked down and started to walk away.
"No, no, no! Where are you going? I was married to you. I know when you are lying." She said, peering at him. "What's up?"
"I-- Well-- We had sex, Addison." He said quickly. "Sex."
"That's great!" Addison said happily. She looked at his face, that was like stone. "So, what's wrong with that?"
"She's avoiding me." Derek answered. "I don't know what to do. I mean, I thought we were getting somewhere. We were getting somewhere. And then I had to screw it all up by having sex with her. Now she is acting like I am the plague." Derek pouted as he ran his fingers through his hair.
"Just give her time, Derek." Addison said confidently. "She will come around."
"Addison, she isn't a normal girl. She's different. She puts on these fronts and- Shit!" He said with a frustrated tone. "That's it. I can't do this." He shook his head. "I am not the girl here. I am not going to wait for her to call!" Derek said as he walked away.
"Derek--" Addison started. He just ignored her and kept walking.
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The surgery with Burke went well. He allowed Meredith to assist quite a bit. Meredith just happened to glance up at the gallery. She dropped her gaze immediately when she saw Derek. Now he knows where she is. He'll know when the surgery is over. She is so screwed. She begrudgingly walked into the scrub room and waited for the door to open. Of course, as she was drying her hands with Dr. Burke, he walked in. She looked up and held her breath. She began to walk out and he started to follow her. Luckily, Preston stopped Derek to ask him a question. Meredith took it as her chance to get the hell out of there. She managed to get away, but not for long. She heard footsteps behind her. They got closer and closer. She felt him grab her arm and pull her into the storage closet.
Don't you love her madly, Don't you need her badly
Don't you love her ways, Tell me what you say
Don't you love her madly, Wanna be her daddy
Don't you love her face
Don't you love her as she's walkin' out the door
Like she did one thousand times before
"Meredith..." She listened as it rolled off her tongue. She would be perfectly content hearing him say it everyday fro the rest of her life. She would never admit it though.
"Derek-- I--" She started and dropped her head.
"You're avoiding me." He said with a cheesy grin. "You shouldn't avoid me."
"So what does this mean?" She asked him, even though she knew.
"It wasn't just sex." He said quietly as he looked into her eyes. She wanted to kiss him. She could still feel his lips on hers.
"No, it was great sex." She pointed out with a smile
"It meant something..." He started. "To me, it meant something. You are great, and kind, and beautiful. I like you. I care about you. I care about you in a big way. There is something about you that makes me feel happy. I can be in the crappiest mood in the world, and I see your face, and everything is perfect."
"Derek. I can't. I'm broken. All of the glue in the world can not glue me back together. The last time I fell, I didn't break into pieces, I turned into dust." She said, almost tearing up.
"Dust is good. It's like plaster. Just add water, or me, and we have a new Meredith a fixed Meredith." He said brightly. He saw the skepticism in her face.
"No, Derek. No. I'm sorry. I felt it the other night too. I won't lie. But that doesn't matter. None of it matters. You should be happy. Don't even bother with me, there isn't enough time in the world." She said, sadly. "Friends, that all I can do." She looked into his eyes. Looking into his eyes made it all the harder.
All your love
All your love
All your love
All your love
All your love is gone,
So sing a lonely song
Of a deep blue dream,
Seven horses seem to be on the mark
"Why can't you just tell me what happened?" He asked, putting his hand under her chin.
"Derek, I can't say it. I can't say it out loud. I can't do it again. Just walk away. You dodged a bullet." She said as she turned on her heel and walked out. She wanted to cry. He just watched her walk away.
Don't you love her as she's walkin' out the door
Like she did one thousand times before
Don't you love her ways, Tell me what you say
Don't you love her as she's walkin' out the door
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Meredith plopped down in the chair next to her friends. She grabbed half of Alex's sandwich, George's pudding and Izzie's candy bar. They all gave her dirty looks, but she ignored them.
"Are you okay?" Izzie asked.
"Yes. I think so." She stated, staring off into space. "I think I'm okay."
"It's McDreamy, right?" Cristina asked. Meredith rolled her eyes.
"I told him I couldn't do it. I can't. I am never doing this again. I hate men!" She shouted. "If I didn't want the penis, I would never touch a man again!"
"There are ways around that..." Izzie suggested with a grin.
"It's not the same. I want the real thing. Forget margarine, I want butter! The butter was good. God, was it good." Meredith mused looking off into space.
"Can we not talk about Shepherd like that? I have to work with the dude." Alex spat out.
"Talk about him like what? Talk about how Shepherd is a wild sex crazed man?" Cristina teased. "How her had his--"
"Oh God!" George gagged. "Make the lambs stop screaming!" Meredith's phone rang. She looked at the caller i.d.
"I wonder who the hell this is?" She said, shaking her head and rolling her eyes. "Hello?"
"Hey there." Drew said. She wasn't sure who it was, but she was pretty sure the voice sounded familiar.
"Who is this?" Meredith said with a puzzled look.
"You don't remember the man who gave you the best sex you have ever had?" Drew said. She could sense his grin through the phone.
"Oh, I would hardly say that. I had that two nights ago. It was pretty impressive, I must say." She said with a giggle. "How the hell did you get my number?"
"Off of your phone when you were sleeping." He chuckled. "Smart, huh?" He asked.
"Oh, yeah. Brilliant." She joked, taking a bite of her sandwich. The interns just looked at her.
"So you're cheating on me?" Drew said quickly.
"Oh yes. I am cheating on you, my lover. I slept with you twice, you don't own me." Meredith said with sarcasm. "You are the anti-relationship."
"Oh really? So who would you like to to do it again?" He asked slyly.
"What?" She asked.
"How would you like to fly across the country to have hot sex with me?" He begged. "I'll pay for your flight."
"So now I am a prostitute." She laughed. Cristina gave her a puzzled look.
"I would hardly call you a prostitute. Although you are quite talented." He chuckled. "Seriously. Come out to New York for the weekend." He said happily.
"Uhhh. I don't know..." She said undecidedly.
"Please?" He said with a charming voice.
"Can I call you back?" She said softly. "I have see what I'm doing."
"Fine." He said with disappointment in his voice. "You better call."
"I will." She chuckled. "Goodbye." She flipped her phone shut and took a bite of her sandwich. The interns looked at her. She glanced up. "What?"
"What? Seriously!" Izzie said with disbelief.
"You cannot have a conversation like that and just leave us hanging!" Cristina said quickly.
"And what the hell is an Anti-Relationship?" Alex asked as he took a sip of his soda.
"That was the guy. Drew. He wanted me to fly to New York for a LDL." Meredith said nonchalantly, as she spooned her pudding. "We have an understanding. It's not a relationship...It's the anti-relationship."
"An LDL?" George asked.
"Long distance lay." Cristina snapped. "Seriously?" She asked Meredith.
"Yeah." Meredith laughed.
"So are you going to do it?" Izzie asked. "It seems kind of dangerous. What if he is a killer or something?"
"I don't know what I'm doing. I never know what I'm doing..." Meredith said quietly more to herself then her friends.
----------------
Meredith, George, Izzie and Cristina walked over to Joe's. Meredith just wanted a beer. She wasn't going there to get drunk. Her life was idle at the moment. She wanted Derek, he wanted her, but she wasn't taking the risk. The interns were talking on the way over, but she was lost in thought. She had no idea what she was going to do with the rest of her life and it bothered her. She knew she would be a surgeon. That should be enough, right? Izzie pushed the door open and the bell dinged. They spotted an empty high top and grabbed a seat.
"I'll get the drinks. What do you guys want?" George asked, looking at his friends.
"I'll have a beer." Meredith said with a grin. She received suspecting grins from her friends. "What? I can drink just a beer!" Meredith responded.
"Sure..." Izzie said, jokingly. Meredith giggled.
Meredith rolled her head back and stretched. She was stiff from holding the same position during the long surgery. She almost vomited when she got a clear view of the corner table. Her stomach immediately knotted up. Her heart jumped into her throat. Derek was sitting in the corner with Holly. She had her hand on his thigh, and he was listening intently to whatever she was saying. George walked up and handed her a beer.
"Ya know what? You guys were right. I can't just drink beer. I think I'm going to need some tequila." Meredith said with a smile. A fake smile, for a fake emotion.
"I told you." Cristina said quickly, taking a drink of her beer. George went up to the bar and came back.
"So, Shepherd doesn't waste anytime." George said innocently.
"What do you mean?" Izzie asked. George pointed. "No shit!" She spat.
"What a McAss." Cristina said nastily.
"What? I told him I didn't want him. It's his decision." Meredith explained, slamming her shot. "He doesn't mean anything to me." She lied to herself.
"No wonder you're drinking tequila." Izzie stated. Meredith pulled out her phone. She had a call to make. The phone rang four times and then he answered.
"Hello?" Drew said. He sounded out of breath and busy.
"Hey, It's Meredith. You're getting laid, aren't you?" She chuckled. "I'll call you tomorrow." She started to hang up.
"No, no!" He said quickly. "I have to take this call." He whispered to whoever was with him.
"Hey, I'm glad you called." He said to Meredith.
"So you are cheating on me?" Meredith joked.
"Yeah, but between you and me...she isn't very good." He laughed.
"Good! So, I'll come. I'm flying to New York." She said. All of her friends looked at her in shock.
"Seriously?" Drew said. "I'll get you the ticket..."
"No. I'll get it. I'm coming because I want to. Besides, then you would have to know my last name or I would know yours. No person information." She said flatly.
"No personal information?" He asked.
"Yes. No. I mean yes, no personal information. I don't want to know what you do for a living. I don't want know how many brothers you have or what your favorite color is. I want to know that you can give me the best fuck I've ever had. That is all I want from you!" She said loudly.
"Sounds like fun!" He said.
"I will book a flight and give you the details." Meredith said. "I have to go."
"Can't wait!" Drew said as he hung up the phone. Meredith flipped her phone shut.
"You are so bad!" Izzie laughed.
"I know..." Meredith stated.
Meredith did several shots. Izzie and Cristina were joining in. They were having a good time. George wasn't really drinking. He was their designated driver. He knew they were definitely going to need one. They were all feeling the effects of the alcohol. Cristina looked over at the table that occupied Holly and Derek. Holly was giggling, and Derek was smiling. Neither of them had noticed the group who was trash talking them.
"What is he thinking?" Cristina shouted loudly. "She is a prude. A prude!"
"A frigid bitch." Meredith snapped, causing everyone in the bar to look at her. Meredith just giggled. Derek's head shot up at the sound of her voice. He looked over at her. She didn't see him. She wasn't looking. Every time she did it made her sick.
"A whore." Izzie laughed.
"Oh my God." George stated, covering his face. "You guys are embarrassing me!"
"Oh shut up, dirty sock boy!" Cristina laughed.
"You told her I was wearing dirty socks?" George said to Meredith, who nodded.
"Dirty underwear too, I bet!" Izzie shouted. Everyone was listening to the crazy drunken interns.
"At least he's wearing underwear. Unlike you, Meredith!" Cristina said loudly with a big laugh. Meredith gasped.
"I'm not the one who lost my underwear in the on-call room last week!" Meredith yelled back.
"You're right. I lost mine, but I still have some left. You ran out of panties because you pass them out like souvenirs!" Cristina laughed loudly.
"I do not!" Meredith retorted as she slammed a shot.
Derek was sitting there with Holly, but his mind was at the other table. He had come for a single drink, and then he was going home. Just his luck, Holly showed up. He humored her and let her talk to him. She was like the Holly he had first met. She was funny and kind. He wanted to leave when she showed up, but he didn't he sat there with her. He had nothing and no one to go home to.
"Oh my God." She said politely. "Those people are absolutely hideous!"
"They are just having a good time." He said with a chuckle. He laughed to himself, he figured that the frigid comment was about Holly.
"A good time?" She giggled. "Those people have no class. They are losers..."
"I would hardly call them losers." Derek said with a laugh.
"Anyway..." She said looking into his eyes. "Where were we?" Holly leaned in and kissed him.
"Oh..." The table of interns shouted in disgust. They immediately started making gagging noises. They all started laughing. Izzie and Cristina quit drinking. They were smart enough to realize it was going to be a rough day tomorrow if they didn't.
"Hey, that guy is checking you out." Izzie said, pointing at him and giggling.
"He's a little old." Meredith said, scrunching her nose. He looked like he was in his late forties early fifties. He had brown hair peppered with grey. He was a good looking man older man.
"It just means he's had a lot of practice..." Cristina added.
"Seriously!" Meredith laughed.
"It will piss McDreamy off." Izzie stated. "If he even notices..."
"Come on, work it..." Cristina laughed. "Go up and get a shot of tequila. Unless you are chicken." They all start squawking.
"What are you, ten?" Meredith said with a laugh. She unbuttoned the top two buttons on her shirt and let her hair down. She walked up and leaned on the bar next to the man.
"Hey there..." He said with a suggestive grin. "I'm Harvey."
"Hey." She said back. "Meredith." She grabbed her shot and slammed it. They made small talk for a while. He cracked some jokes and she laughed. Derek was watching intently. Meredith didn't even realize that her friends had taken off.
"So, how would you like to get out of here?" Harvey asked.
"I'd love to." She smiled. He put his hand on the small of her back and led her out.
Derek clenched his fists. He had stopped listening to Holly a long time ago. He didn't say anything as he stood up from the table. He threw down some cash and walked out, leaving her sitting there. He marched right outside, and looked up and down the street. He saw a cab pulling away. He was too late. He got in his car and went home. There was no way he was going back inside with Holly.
-----------------
"Harvey?" Meredith said. "Harvey!" She shouted. He was on top of her and he wasn't moving. "Harvey!" She screamed.
She tried to push him off. He was too heavy. She wiggled, and she couldn't get free. She kept yelling at him. She put her fingers on his neck. There was no pulse. She screamed.
"Izzie!" She yelled as loudly as she could. "Izzie! Oh my God! George!" No one answered. She kept trying to free herself. Her eyes started to tear up. She kept screaming. Finally it dawned on her. She reached over for her cellphone. Her fingers nudged it. She stretched. Almost. Then she pushed it. It fell to the floor. She grabbed a hardback book and threw it at the wall. They would never wake up to that. They were used to the banging sounds coming from her bedroom. Finally she let out one last scream as loud as she could. No one came. She began to weep. Only she would kill a man with sex. Then it opened. The door opened quickly.
"Are you okay?" George asked sleepily. His eyes got wide when he realized she was crying.
"George help." She said quickly. She couldn't breathe. She was near panic. George snapped the light on.
"Oh God!" George shouted. Izzie ran in.
"What's going on?" She looked at Harvey and got wide-eyed.
"I-- I-- I think he's dead. I think I killed him." She wept. "I can't get him off of me." Izzie called 911 and George pulled Harvey off and immediately began CPR.
"It will be okay, Mer. They are on their way!" Izzie said. Meredith ran to the bathroom in a sheet and began to get dressed. She came out quickly and took over the CPR for George.
"Should we dress him?" Izzie asked, looking at his naked body.
"No. That's would not be a good idea!" George said. They covered him with a sheet.
"I think the paramedics are here." Izzie said, running down the stairs. She came back up with the team. They immediately went to work on him. One of the medics pulled the interns aside.
"So what happened?" The paramedic asked.
"We were--and he-- Oh my God!" Meredith started to panic.
"They were in the middle of having sex." Izzie blurted out. Meredith took a deep breath.
"He was just-- He was just finishing. You know." She nodded her head. "He quit moving. He quit making sounds. I checked a pulse, there was none." She answered.
"So, how long did you wait before you started CPR?" He asked.
"It was a while. I couldn't get him off of me. I yelled for my friends. They came in and helped." She answered quickly. They grabbed Harvey and took him to the ambulance.
"Should I go?" Meredith asked.
"Um--" Izzie started.
"If I don't go, I'm a bad person, right?" Meredith asked. She ran down the stairs and got into into the back of the ambulance. They took right off. Harvey still didn't have a pulse. The medic started explaining what was going on.
"I know. I'm a surgical intern." Meredith said quickly. "I'm sorry. I didn't--"
"It's fine. I'm sure your father will be okay..." He answered.
"He's not my father." She told him.
"Oh. Uncle?" She shook her head. "Brother, boyfriend?" He asked.
"He was my one night stand." Meredith spat out. They pulled up to Seattle Grace. Miranda rushed right up. Of course, she was there. It couldn't have been any other resident. The doors opened and the Paramedics spat out what was going on.
"Oh God. What the hell did you do, Grey?" Miranda asked. Meredith shook her head. They wheeled him in to a trauma room. Meredith stood outside. They worked on him for a long time before Miranda walked out.
"He's gone." Miranda said quickly.
"What?" Meredith said in shock.
"Was he family?" Miranda asked.
"He was-- It doesn't matter." Meredith smiled.
"Well you can't drive home." Bailey told her. "You smell like you fell in a vat of tequila. Go find an on-call room."
Meredith made her way into an on-call room. She took off her shoes and laid back. She couldn't believe what had happened. It completely freaked her out. She felt sick. She grabbed the trash can from the bathroom and sat it next to her. She vomited over and over. She essentially killed a man, and it made her sick. Her stomach finally settle and she laid her head back and closed her eyes. After a couple of hours she heard the door open. The light from the hallway shown through the door. The door closed. The person walked in the bathroom then came back out. The bathroom light lit up her face.
"Meredith, what are you doing here?" Derek asked in shock.
"What are you doing here?" She asked.
"I had an emergency surgery." He said quickly. "So why are you here? I thought you went home with the man who was old enough to be your father." He snapped.
"Oh you noticed? I thought you were too busy kissing Holly." Meredith's eyes started to glisten with tears.
"She kissed me. I didn't want her to kiss me." He explained seeing that she was starting to cry.
"Oh." Meredith said.
"Are you okay?" Derek said with concern. "Did he hurt you?"
"No." She began to weep. "I killed him."
"You what?" Derek said in shock, thinking that he misheard.
"I killed him." She spat, he looked puzzled. "With sex. I killed him with sex."
"I can see that happening..." Derek chuckled, her face was still. "You are really serious?"
"Yeah. He's dead." She said with disbelief.
"Oh my God, Meredith. I'm so sorry." He said. She laid her head down on the pillow.
"Meredith..." She shook her head. He laid down next to her and held her close. She just sighed.
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Sorry it took so long... My computer is being a piece of shit. It won't let me save documents. Please read and review.