Hey didn't post for a while. Uni and all, have less free time than expected. Sooo, new chap. Enjoy and review.

What's wrong with them all

no seriously, what?

They were flying for three hours now and she llloved every second of it. I mean who wouldn't if the wind was blowing straight to your face not letting you breathe, your cat was clawing you viciously you had a phobia for heights and the man next to you, having all signs in mind, could be a vampire that by the look of it didn't eat for week or so. Lovely.

Hermione was just too tired, the whole emotional break down today wasn't doing miracles to her mood. She carefully laid down on the flying linoleum trying to focus on other thoughts that didn't concern her current situation when she felt the change of direction.

'Where are we going anyway?' she asked giving up.

'I'm not exactly sure. Valdorf said to meet him by the lake in Labrador's forest.'

'Labrador's? Never heard of it.' Honestly she didn't.

'Probably because it's mentioned only in old muggle fairy tales and wizards just don't talk of it because it could destroy the whole concept of magical world.' He said it as if it was widely known and Hermione frowned.

'Magical community believes that first wizards generated from Elbo's island, but when Bathilda Bagshot visited this forest she claimed to have found objects indicating primitive use of magic in 12 century B.C.'

'Really? What were they.' She asked curiously.

'Human sacrifice altars, cursed areas, remnants of primitive wards…'

'Okay, get it.'

Human sacrifice altars? These were probably first Druids, though it didn't make sense, because people moved in this area wayyy later. She thought.

They were going down now, black lake underneath them. They reached the bank and Hermione was about to step to the ground when Snape griped her arms dragging her back.

'Granger, since yesterday I just feel this need to ask you,' he looked at her annoyed 'when was the last time you used your brain, or more precisely when did you stop using them?'

Hermione wasn't listening to him, she stared at the ground as if it was calling her. Snape frowned, there was something definitely wrong with her and now she had this glazed look over her eyes, staring at the ground. He tried to move her head to look at him but it would fall back ones he released her chin, and he had hard time keeping her in place.

'Granger. Granger for gods sake, look at me!' he shouted, but it didn't work and he needed free hands to rise the carper… er, linoleum. Hermione was struggling to get out of his grip now and the ground beneath seemed to be moving, making bubbling sounds.

'She can't hear you Sev. It's one of these cursed areas I told you about.' He looked to his right to see Valdorf flying on the broomstick to them.

'What the fuck is it doing to her?'

'Don't know. Down let her touch the ground!' Hermione almost sprung out of Snapes grip, but Valdorf got to them just in time and pushed her back. Then pinned her down to the carpet so she couldn't move a muscle.

'Fly east. The portkey is in that cave.' He moved his hand in direction of the slope with a black hole.

'Portkey! Why the hell would you place portkey around here?' Snape shouted. They had to fly all this way into this godamn freakin' dangerous forest just to get the portkey?

'Hounds were probably trying to track you. When you enter Labrador it's impossible to use wand, and no way of track you using magic. Dog thought of this.' Explained Valdorf, watching Hermione intently. 'Goddamn Snape, fly faster, she's barely breathing!'

'What!' Snape shouted 'What's happening to her?'

Hermione was turning white, her face loosing all blood. Valdorf bent over her, examining her eyes.

'She's already unconscious, she's loosing all her blood.'

'She didn't touch the ground, I'm sure of it!' Snape stared at the limp body on the plastic surface.

'You don't have to touch it for curse to work.' Now Valdorf's hand was on her neck, checking for pulse.

They reached the cave and jumped off the linoleum, Valdorf reached for the object on the wall, Snape meanwhile lifting Hermione in his arms. Valdorf grabbed his shoulder and activated the portkey.

Next second they were spinning violently. They landed in the dark, narrow alley. It was raining heavily and almost all lights in buildings surrounding them were extinguished.

'Hurry, this way.' Said Valdorf and practically ran to the black wooden door opposite the street. Snape picked himself from the pavement and lifted Hermione again. He hurried after Valdorf, who was groping the door with his palms as if waiting for something to happen.

'Fuck. Sev, they already got the place under protection fields!'

'They didn't bother to give you the password?!' Snape glanced at the girl in his arms and started feeling a bit scared. Was she even alive?

'I KNOW the password. Sparkle got some sort of new defense system that identifies your hand print or something like that. She said to place your hand on the black surface and then give the password.' Now even Valdorf was panicking.

Snape glanced around and saw it. He grabbed Valdorf's hand and placed his palm on the black glass surface next to the door. It glowed blue and then came Sparkle's voice asking for password.

'Smokers!' shouted Valdorf and the door opened. They rushed inside the house stopping in hallway disorientated. These were new headquarters and both men didn't have a clue where to go. Just when Snape was about to shout, one of the doors at the end of corridor opened and a young woman with shiny black hair stepped out wearing protection glasses.

'What the fuck is…' she started looking annoyed

'Sparkle, where's Dog?!'

'Probably upstairs in the library. Sod, what the hell! What's wrong with her?' the woman was staring at Hermione.

'Snape floated into the cursed area in Labrador. I think she got cursed.' They rushed upstairs, Sparkle on their heels looking worried. She pushed the second door on their left and stepped into the library. There in one of the armchairs sat a man with cigarette between his teeth, reading a book.

'Dog, she's under some sort of blood draining curse. Sev, check her pulse.'

Snape laid her down on the couch and tried to find pulse. Thanks gods it was there, very weak but there.

The man in the armchair stood up and slowly walked towards Hermione and Snape bending over her. And he simply looked, eyes half lidded, cigarette between his lips. He kept doing that for a few more minutes, then frowned.

'Well do something!' growled Sparkle, baring her teeth.

'Can't.' said the man. 'she's muggleborn, isn't she?' Snape nodded. 'Then it's Jus Sanguinis Claim. Forest claimed her as its property. If she gets blood replenishing potion she might survive. Otherwise can't do anything.'

'Got it!' Valdorf came running to the room, potion in his hand.

'Someone fancy hot-dogs tonight?' Sparkle was furious 'Why the hell did you set the portkey there if you knew about this?'

'Yah, but no one said she was a mudblood.' He looked at Hermione as both men over her were trying to force the potion down her throat. 'Would be a pity if she died, though.' He smirked 'She's not bad.'

Next second Sparkle slapped him hard enough for blood to appear.

'So you're a pureblood! But aren't you forgetting something Cerberus? Something as trivial as your sister also being a halfblood?' she shouted. Snape and Valdorf stopped their attempts at to make Hermione drink the potion to look at them. It wasn't the first time Sparkle got angry at Dog, but mostly it ended up with duels. This time, on the other hand, man looked ashamed.

'I'm sorry Aurora. I didn't mean it this way. It's just that old habits die hard.' He said picking up his cigarette from the floor and putting it out.

'It would do you good to remember, Cerberus. I'm not taking this anymore. Either I'm your sister or an ordinary mudblood like she.' Sparkle said pointing at Hermione. Snape was again trying to get potion into her but no good. He was getting terrified.

'Gods Granger, just swallow it.' Desperation was written all over his face.

'Move.' Said Dog coming from behind them. Both men didn't react. 'I said move!' he bodily pushed them aside growling. He wasn't in his best moods and he wasn't wasting his patience on two men.

He picked Hermione's head and placed it on his lap, tilting her chin up. He couldn't feel her pulse and her throat was spasming. He took the remains of spilled potion and looked at her again. Yup, pity if she dies. And Sparkle would kill me.

'Someone get me another potion and my wand.' He instructed and tried to massage her throat to make her swallow. It didn't work. Sparkle was back with new potion and his wand. He placed the tip of his wand at her throat and whispered few spells, then uncorked the phial, making Hermione drink. Slowly he got all potion in and closed her mouth.

'Seasam open.' He laughed. 'You're a wizard Sev, use your wand.' He got comfortable on the couch, Hermione still on his laps. 'Someone bring blanket and pepper-up. She might need that when she wakes up.'

'Weirdo.' Valdorf and Sparkle laughed and went to get what he asked. But Snape didn't look all that amused. He was glaring at Cerberus.

'What is it Betty, suddenly all jealous? I remember you telling me that she was your least favorite student. Had a change of heart?' he asked smirking. Snape looked murderous.

'She's our key to hunting Bellatrix Lestrange, Dog. And this' he pointed at Hermione ' is quite inappropriate.'

'Oh, is she married.' He looked innocently at Snape. ' 'cause I'm not.'

Snape narrowed his eyes and went to sit in the armchair in front of them. This was … unusual.

'Not yet.'

'What do you mean?' Cerber raised one eyebrow.

'Flitwik passed that idiotic Marriage Law and I think she already got one proposal. Can't say who, probably some ministry worker that knows her. Didn't look all that pleased though.'

'What?' Cerber looked angrily.

'Already got the ring to propose?' Snape asked, sneering.

'Sparkle.' Cerber's eyes were running frantically around the room. 'What do I do with Sparkle. This isn't supposed to be like that!'

'We'll have to deal with this latter, when Sod comes back. He has a copy.'

'Where from?'

'The Git.'

'Could have guessed…' Cerber roller his eyes 'How does he do that. I thought they've lost influence. Still what are we going to do? I can't let her marry someone like Lupin.' His expression was of pure hatred.

'I wouldn't worry this much. It's Flitwiks law, after all, and if I'm right he'll be goner by the end of the next week.'

'You contacted Assassin Guild in Ankh-Morpork?'

'No, they did, asking for inside information. After all, most of their members aren't human. They're pretty much pissed off with the Law.'

'Aren't you worried?'

'Why?' Snape asked frowning.

'You're a half-blood.'

'The Law applies only to those not more than 30.'

'Why should he be worried, What law, and why does it apply to half-bloods?' came a voice from the doorway. Both man turned to see Sparkle coming into the room with potions and a blanket, Vald after her.

'Well…' her brother looked at her uncertain. Sparkle could do some really nasty things, especially when it included fire, explosives and her temper, pretty much like her brothers.

Valdorf sat in the chair and looked at Sparkle, she calmed down and sat in from of him, still looking annoyed but at least not shouting curses. She hated waiting for answers.

'How does that man tame her?' Snape mumbled under his nose.

'Keeping something from me Sod?' she purred. Oh now this was a bad sign.

'No. I've just arrived, we have one "Death warmed over" in Dog's lap and it just so happens that it concerns her as much as it does you. By the way, where's Pretty and Smelly?'

'Pretty is taking her beauty sleep, not that it will help her any. And stinky bugger is dealing with blood suckers. I thought vampires would rather have garlic showed up their noses than attack him.'

'Good point. Git should be here any minute, he might have problems with that hand print thing.'

'Yah, right. You're the only one in the room, not sure 'bout the girl… and Cerber if you touch her any lower I will blow that hand off! So, you're the only one in this room, save for the girl, who doesn't know a heck about computers.'

'She's a hacker.' Snape stated.

'She is? See, now even Snape KNOWS about computers! When will she wake up?' Sparkle was getting restless. 'And what's her name anyway.'

'By the look of it she should be waking up in 10 mins. A double dose was enough for four people her size. And yeah, what's her name?' Cerber looked curiously at Snape.

Okay, he will love it or kill me for bringing her here. Thought Snape.

'That's Hermione, the know-it-all and probably the most annoying kid I've ever met.'

Cerber and Aurora stared at her in disbelief. Snape was about to stand up and take Hermione somewhere… safer, when he heard Sparkle whisper.

'Please tell me this is the Granger who blasted Gryffindor tower and showed Potter's wand up his ass.'

'Is she Henry's Granger sister?' Cerber looked uncertain of what to think or feel so he settled with indifference. Snape was rubbin' off on him.

'Yes, the one for both, and the one that drugged McGonagall with catnip at the Ending ceremony and the one that found proof that Lestranges are still alive.'

'What the hell is Granger's cat doing at the door.' Came voice from hallway.

'Bring him in Git, and the answer is currently being cuddled to death by Cerberus.'

'You know I feel I really like her.' Said Cerber playing with Hermione hair. 'Her brother gave my dad a nice nosebleed and broken arm.' He said smiling sweetly at the memory.

'She's welcome to the club!' Sparkle cheered. 'If she knows what's a nitroglycerin she's sleeping in my room.'

'Whoa whoa! She's here only because she found out about Lestrange, and there's no place in the club.' Said Snape.

'Holly shit, what's Granger doing here!' said a young man coming trough the doorway and standing next to Snape. 'and what's wrong with Cerber?' he asked lowering his voice so only Snape could hear. 'He doesn't touch people, let alone cuddles, Sparkle didn't spike his drink with that experimental potion she's working on?'

Cerber raised his eyes, glaring at Sparkle. 'No, she got cursed in Labrador and what is that potion Sparkle is working on?' a month ago Sarkle slipped him modified pollyjuice potion. He looked like Snape for three bloody weeks and his eyes were still black instead of dark orange.

'No, I didn't.' sneered Sparkle. 'I need someone blond for that.'

'What is that potion Sparkle?' asked Snape actually quite interested. Sparkle grew up in the muggle world and had a knack for something called chemistry, something like alchemy, just tad bit more dangerous. No day passed without a boom, fire or sparkles in her lab. If there ever was such a day, Sparkle called it a day she failed to justify her existence.

'Something you wouldn't want to drink.' But her look said "talk latter".

'Anyways, why you two look at her as if she was a dragon in unicorns skin?' asked Cerber looking down at Hermione.

Valdorf started chuckling, Snape looked annoyed and man behind him grinned evilly.

'Say Betty, did you have a nose work or did she break it?' asked Valdorf.

'She broke your nose?' Cerber raised an eyebrow.

'So much for your princess bribe, bro. Though now I like her even better.' Laughed Sparkle.

'Are you sure no one slipped him anything?' Git eyed him cautiously.

'Look you git' gods, that name was made for him, thought Cerberus 'if you're afraid of women it doesn't mean that I am. Even Snape here knows she's pretty, and Valdorf's been drooling all over the place since she arrived. Even Sparkle likes her. How many people does she like?'

'She's a bloody Gryffindor, ex-best-friend of scar face, brainy, bossy, bitchy, tempered and a bit dangerous. And oh yeah, my age.' Finished the man

'So you like her too. Otherwise you wouldn't have mentioned it.'

'I DO NOT!'

Snape raised his eyebrows. So he didn't really like her, or liked her before, but he had to admit that Granger girl vanished. This girl was different, no bullshit and a bit more stupid aka brave. Who the hell would kick Valdorf. Even Snape kept his distance. But there was another thing. She grew up and turned into a woman in one year he hadn't seen her. So now she annoyed Snape for totally different reasons, one of them being his failure to stop looking at her. Cerber didn't like people, the last person he touched ended up in St. Mungos. But Granger was pretty and even Cerberus had noticed it. They all had. Even I. thought Snape and mentally slapped himself. And she's your ex-student.

Hermione woke up. She felt so week that she didn't have strength to move a muscle. Slowly she tried to remember anything from yesterday.

Hangover – no

Partying – no, no hangover.

Having a terrible nightmare, where Snape blasts in her house and then they leave on flying linoleum. – might be, but it wasn't scary enough to leave her in coma. So, no.

Slowly her senses flooded back to her and she could feel someone stroking her hair and shoulder. She was laying on somebody. Probably Henry. But he's dead. So who the hell is touching me?!!

Adrenalin rushed trough her veins and she opened her eye trying to see who it was. It all happened on instinct. The man that was stroking her hair looked at her, Snape stood up, woman in the chair next to the couch did the same and Hermione had her wand and gun out at the same moment. Her wand first pointed at the woman who got hit in the chest and flew back two meters unconscious. Next she disarmed Snape who looked too stunned at what she did to even draw his wand. Her gun never left the man's temple and now she was pointing her wand at two blond men in the room. Finally she chose Valdorf. She knew the other snobby git.

'You know, the last man who did that to my sister was sent to his family in a 2 liter jar with a label "NOTT'S jam" .' Hermione looked at the black haired man with a gun at his temple. 'don't get me wrong, I'm quite impressed. The last person to disarm Snape was Valdorf recruiting him. Even I have trouble doing that.' The man stopped smiling. 'Now you will give me the gun, give Snape his wand back, enervate my sister and get down on the couch, preferably in the previous position, unless you want to be in another jar in my trophy room labeled "cute girl I didn't really wanted to kill." '.

Hermione didn't do it, just made sure her gun was at the right angle. Bad idea. Next second her arm was painfully twisted behind her back, her shoulder probably dislocated, and she was on her knees facing pretty stunned Draco Malfoy and Valdorf whatever his last name was.

'Gryffindor, you say.' Cerber glanced at Snape and handed over his wand. 'Can't blame her, I don't look too dangerous.' He laughed still holding her arm. 'Now, no fancy tricks, okay? And you look drained. Should be laying.' He released her hand and Hermione fell backwards her head hitting the couch. Adrenalin was gone. She wasn't only drained, she was exhausted to the point of blacking out. What the fuck is wrong with me?

She was about to faint when she felt someone lift her from the ground and place her back on the couch. She wanted to see who it was this time but her head simply lolled to the side and bumped into someone's shoulder.

'Ehm, I think it was my place.' She heard the man, that had just unarmed her, voice speak, slightly annoyed.

'Arse up – place taken.' Said a silky, mocking voice vibrating near her ear. 'And we will talk about this.'

So it was Snape she was leaning on. Snarky, sarcastic, unpleasant, biased, unfair, arrogant, git'ish, scary, unpredictable he may be, but he made a veeery good pillow. Hermione was really weak and she really didn't mind her position, she was slowly unconsciously drifting into sleep.

'Don't you dare sleep, Granger.' Snape said.

'But I'm tired, my arm really hurts and…' she closed her eyes already lucid '… you're so comfortable.'

'……' Draco

'………' Cerber and Sparkle already conscious.

'…' Valdorf, eyebrows raised.

Few seconds later the whole room was engulfed in laughter.

'Stop laughing, she's delusional. She lost so much blood that the leftovers wouldn't be enough to feed a mosquito.' Growled Snape.

'Well that's strange. She took double dose.' Cerber said to himself.

'You're so comfortable.' Sparkle pursed her lips at Snape and started giggling again.

Hermione mumbled something under her breath and yawned, stretching like a cat and nuzzling in Snape's shoulder. 'What?' asked Snape confused. She obviously was talking to him.

'I said you smell nice, like hot summer day and spice.'

Snape knitted his eyebrows. Is she that tired? And why there's no allergy reaction, she's allergic to every second herb in my lab. I remember someone saying that people tell truth when they are tired or very very drunk. … no way. There's probably something wrong with her head.

The room was silent. Well, understandably everyone was too shocked to laugh. They just stared at Snape staring at Hermione.

'You do realize how… I have no word for it, but that just sounds…' Draco was at loss of words.

'How kinky it sounds?' supplied Sparkle smirking. 'Snape smells hot and spicy?!' and the laughter started again. Snape roller his eyes. Well he didn't smell of jasmine and roses like Smelly. For gods' sake, someone should tell him that A man shouldn't smell like that!

'Now are you going to tell us why do you think she can prove that Bellatrix is still alive?' Valdorf was still looking at Hermione, so did Cerber, only that he didn't look at Snape as calmly as before, eyes darting from him to the girl.

Snape one's again rolled his eyes. What the hell is wrong with him. The man is supposed to be homophobic!

'She's a hacker as you already know. Being a know-it-all she thought it would be fun to learn something illegal and ones again go against all the rules. Met some guy hacker and later he told her that some guy that called himself Voldemort created a web site that is protected lot better than Microsoft itself. As I understand it could have been her friend that hacked the site and placed the picture of ass instead of Microsoft AltaVista advertisement.'

'No way!' Sparkle goggled.

'Way. I heard her say something about some place called Pentagon being next in line. So anyway, long story short, Bellatrix visited Voldemorts web-site from her own homepage and so we assume that she's alive.'

'Um, okay, are you mental?' asked Malfoy 'Because my aunt wouldn't touch anything muggle unless it was something devised for torturing.'

'Yes I quite agree.' Snape's face contorted and turned green. 'And it was her personal site so no one except her could have logged on.'

'What was in there?' Valdorf asked cautiously. Judging by Snape's reaction it wasn't good.

'She kind of owns a … a video library of adult content. And we saw some of it…'

'A porn site?' Valdorf eyes were bulging. Cerberus looked amused, and Sparkle exchanged wicked glances with Malfay (aka Git).

'KINKEY!' they both shouted and doubled over with laughter.

A/N

did some work on my first illustration. i think it turned out lot better than i originally even imagined! you can see by clicking on the links in the end on my profile. If for some reason you can't see them, leave your email, contact me any way you feel fit and i will send them to you :)

Okay, next Chap: Who the heck are all these people, why homophobic Cerberus likes Hermione sooo much, what's up with snape sleeping upside down and so much much more + new pictures. Now REVIEW!