Things with James hadn't gone so well. I mean at first it was great, we partied every night, had sex all the time, we were constantly high, and he let me spend whatever I wanted to on his credit cards. I missed Jasper, a lot at first but then it started to fade to the back of my mind. I suppose being drunk and high all of the time helped a bit. Anyway, it was like that for a long time, a year at least. We really had a great time. But eventually, the bills started piling up, and I knew James didn't have a job. He had not had a job ever in the time I had known him. And I wasn't sure where he got his money from; no doubt it was all illegal.
After a while we were broke, living on nothing. His cousin Laurent threw us out of the house saying he was sick of James' games. So, we got a room with James' ex-girlfriend Victoria. Yeah, rather pathetic, I came to find out that he was very pathetic- I was very stupid to ever think he was more of a man than Jasper. James wasn't even close to half the man Jasper was- is.
Worse was that James started changing. The witty, sexy and fun James went away, and rude, loud, and aggressive James showed up. There was no hitting at first, just loud words and breaking things. Then it was the sex, he got more and more aggressive; to the point that I didn't even want him to touch me anymore. And after a few rapes and a few more shots of tequila, the beating started. He could be really frightening when he was mad, and honestly, I was worried about my safety. James was always drunk now, and he was always slapping and shoving and forcing himself on me when I didn't even want to be near him. But I had no where to go at the time.
Then one night he came home absolutely shit-faced and the first thing he did was push me back on the couch and try to fuck me. When I told him no- that he was too drunk and to rough, he decked me right in the face. That was the last straw, not only did it hurt like hell but there was a deep black bruise on my right cheek. So, after documenting my case, I filed a restraining order and I left.
I wasn't sure where I would go; I really had nothing and no one now. But I left anyway. For some reason, the first place I thought to go to was Florida. Back home. It would be nearly impossible though, I had no money, and no car. And here I was the silly little whore dreaming of going back home, when I had abandoned that home so long ago. It had been almost two years since I left Jasper, and I truly had no right to feel like that apartment back in Orlando was my home. But still, when my memory floated back to the bare walls, dull dirty carpets, and the tiny twin bed we shared, I felt safe again. I missed my home, my old life that I threw away. And now it was too late, I could never get that back.
Besides, who knew if he even still lived in Florida? He probably found an amazing girl, one who would be faithful to him, and got a better job and had a better home now. A better life. I knew all of that was very true. He had moved on no doubt, yet here I was, selling my entire wardrobe at a Mexican flea market to pay for stupid bus fare to go across the country. I wound up with about three hundred dollars, not even close to half of what I- well James, paid for all my clothes. But I couldn't be to upset, after all it was what had to be done. I got a bus ticket from Los Angeles California to Orlando Florida, a total of one-hundred eighty-three dollars and twenty cents. I would be there in two days; I would be home in two days. At 3:35 pm tomorrow, I was finally going back home.
The bus ride gave me time to think, what I was going to do, where I was really going to go. Because god knows that I couldn't just show up at Jasper's apartment. I had no right to intrude upon his life when I threw it away two years ago. And that was all assuming that he still lived in that ratty apartment. But what I figured was that I started out there, in the heart of Orlando, and I can restart there. I knew it would be hard to start a new life with absolutely nothing, but I had done this to myself. I had to suffer through this because I deserved it. I broke a good man's heart for no good reason, and I ruined my own life with my stupid selfishness. There was no one else to blame.
Even after these two years, I still felt pain in my chest over what I did to Jasper. It hurt me to think of him crying, or hurting at all over me. I felt so guilty over how horrible I was for cheating on him, over how disgusting I was to run away because I couldn't be happy with the best he could give me. He gave me everything he could; a warm and stable home, food to eat, and a safety that I now missed very much. I was stupid then, and I suppose I am still stupid now. I must be very stupid to be running across the country to nothing.
But what could I have done? Stayed with that abusive monster I thought was James? There was no way I could have done that. As disgusting as I was- I didn't deserve that sort of abuse. Mother and father, they despised me ever since I decided I was going to skip college for a while to live with Jasper. No it was before that- ever since I started hanging around with Jasper in fact. They claimed he was the "wrong crowd" and that I "was raised better than that" and "should have better judgment." But they were the ones who needed better judgment.
Jasper was perfect in every way. He was so sweet and kind-hearted; he never raised his voice, hurt me or ignored me like James did all the time. I was so, so incredibly stupid for hurting Jasper. I was so disgustingly vile for throwing all that away. I know that back then it didn't seem like much, but now, it was the best and most desirable thing I could imagine. Here I am now at 21 and I have absolutely nothing to my name. Nothing but about a hundred dollars, and a spent bus ticket to Orlando. But there is hope I think. Didn't those religious people say something about God forgiving your sins? That you could repent or something and still go to heaven? I have never been to a church in my life, but I am pretty sure it says something in the Bible about forgiveness.
Maybe I could fix my life. It was on that stupid greyhound bus that I decided to get clean, stay clean, and fix my broken and menial existence. Two days later I was in Orlando, and I sat outside the bus station for what must have been an hour. My hair was messy, and I was tired from lack of sleep on that heavenly bus. But at least I was here. I tried as hard as I could not to let my mind keep drifting to thoughts of Jasper- something it had been doing a lot lately. I needed to think of a place to stay for the night. I was pretty sure there was a homeless shelter downtown. As degrading as it seemed, I guess it was really the only place I had to go. I got up from my bench seat and started walking, not to much paying attention to where I was going.
It was not much different from the last time I saw it- the city I mean. All the buildings were the same, and it was filled with its usual crowd of people. Into which I blended very easily- save for the large bruise on my cheek. I passed the diner where Jasper used to work, and couldn't resist stepping inside. I sat down in our old booth, in the seat I always used to sit in, and forced myself not to cry. I could almost see his bright, contagiously warming smile sitting across from me in that booth. I could still hear his velvety smooth laughter as we joked about something or other.
The waitress- Loretta, was a woman I had known since I was a child. Not to my surprise, she still worked there, in that ratty little diner. She recognized me, and gave me a harsh hateful look when I walked in and sat down. I knew immediately why. She knew what I did to Jasper. It must have been bad, if she remembered to hate me for it. Tears welled up in my eyes but I blinked them back quickly. I thought for a moment to ask her about him, see if he was even still around. But I lost my never as she approached my table and all but sneered at me. I ordered the same thing I always used to get, two slices of cheese pizza and a sprite. She promptly left my table and I covered my face to hide the tears that this time I couldn't stop.
I missed Jasper so much. I had broken his heart by running away. Everyone who knew us hated me now because of what I did. And he obviously didn't work here anymore. I had completely lost my appetite when the food arrived and was loudly dropped on my table before Loretta walked away. I picked at it a bit, managing to eat a little.
It was hard, and I shouldn't have chosen this table. Staring across the booth to the Jasper in my memories, it was very hard to hold it together. I could see his angelic face, deep dimples in his cheeks as he smiled at me. I remember how we used to laugh in this booth for hours at night, making faces at each other over coffee and desert. When I was sad or lonely, he'd tear small bits from his napkin and flick them at me until an all out war had been started. Then the war would fall to a comfortable silence as he studied my face. Like he was reading me, with those brilliantly blue eyes, checking for any hint that something was still wrong. I remember the loving smiles he would give me, and how he would lean his long leg against mine under the table. It was such a simple touch, but it was all I needed then- to know he was there and to know he loved me. Which was a fact written boldly in the blue of his eyes.
That was all I could stand. I threw a ten down on the table and left. I couldn't take the remnants of my old life starring me right in the face. I walked quickly down the streets with my head down, constantly covering and wiping my eyes as another round of tears welled in my eyes. If I could ever just tell him I was sorry maybe it wouldn't be so hard. I would do anything for the chance to just tell him that. Maybe he wouldn't hate me so much. Maybe he would forgive me. I knew he would forgive me of course; it was Jasper we were talking about here. He would forgive me for anything. But then again, he loved me back then. He doesn't love me now. Maybe he was different to people he hated- which I am certain I was one of the few.
It was already dark when I rounded the corner onto First Street. I gasped a bit at what I had done. Unknowingly, I wandered right down our old street. I was looking down the wide and empty street to the end of the block. Where, just as it always had, our old apartment building stood trashy as ever. The only thing unusual- and maybe not to terribly unusual considering the neighborhood, was the group of cop cars around the corner of First and Amistad.
I saw many familiar faces starring up at the building as I approached it. The drug dealer from down the hall, the man who used to be half of the couple always arguing next door, the elderly woman who was so very kind to us when I lived here and several people from other floors that had lived around us. It seemed like the entire building had been evacuated. I jogged closer to the crowd, half-heartedly hoping I would see Jasper's blonde lock's above the rest of the crowd. But there was no such luck, he wasn't there.
I slowly approached the man who used to live at the end of the hall, a tall and lanky black man with tightly braided corn rows. "Hey, what's going on?" I asked him.
He turned his gaze down to me, recognizing my face he instantly narrowed his eyes. I figured he knew what I had done to Jasper as well. He pointed up to a widow on the third floor, one I knew very well to be Jasper's living room window. "Dude up there killed himself." When he answered with that statement, I said a silent prayer to the god I have never prayed to before. Praying that by that horrid use of a pronoun he didn't mean Jasper.
The man kept talking, but I truly wasn't paying attention. "He been up there since-"
He stopped his sentence short as I ran though the gathering of people and ducked under the police tape. I ignored the yells of "stop" and "don't go in there ma'am" which came from the four police officers standing around on the corner. Surprisingly they didn't chase me inside the building, stopping right at the doors. Like a ban had been placed over the old boarding house.
I swear I have never run up three flights of stairs that quickly in my life. Waiting at the top of the stairs was a young police officer. He had obviously been alerted to my intrusion. I tried to push past him but he braced his arm out to stop me.
"Please sir- let me through! I have to see if it-"
"Ma'am we have orders to keep the building clear, it will only make it worse if people are barging in and out." His voice was strong with confidence, like he was reciting something he had been told before.
"Please, if it's Jasper I have to see him."
"You know his name?" His voice sounded a bit shocked, and then a very knowing look took over his boyish face. "Are you Alice?"
I nodded my head quickly pleading him to let me though. He picked up the radio hooked to his shoulder and spoke into it. "Lieutenant McCarty, we have Alice here. She wants to see him, can I send her in?" It was an unearthly long pause as I waited for the answer to be radioed back.
My heart was racing, tears streaked my cheeks, and I can honestly say I have never been so afraid in my life. Was Jasper hurt? Was he already dead? Did he want to see me? Was this going to be his last hour alive? My chest hurt at the thought of a world without Jasper's wide smile and boyish dimples, his beautiful blonde curls, soft as silk and colored like honey. Those expressive, honest blue eyes-
My rampaging spiral downward was cut off by the door to the apartment opening. A very, very large man stood in the door way. He must have been nearly seven feet tall, and built like a tank. He looked me over once before holding the door open to me and letting me into my old home. It was heart-shattering.
The place was in ruins, broken glass, beer bottles and prescription drug containers littered the floor, the table was on its side, and the lamp was in pieces in the corner. Obvious marks on the wall above it proving it had been thrown, hard. But that wasn't the most terrible part. The worst pain came when my eyes fell on Jasper, or what might have once been Jasper.
A/N- Up Next will be the second half of this- Jasper's POV. Song Suggestions anyone? This part obviously had no song... (sadly)