Space. Yep, that's what she had said. Derek couldn't believe it. He was floored. He was willing to do anything for her. And he had been planning on telling her that. That was before he was blind-sided. Derek wasn't a drinker. At least nit the kind to sit and get drunk. But tonight, tonight he was definitely a drinker. But not in a public place. Not in a bar. Not where everyone could see him. He wanted to be alone. He wanted to be where he could pass out, and no one would notice.
Come on, come on
Put your hands into the fire
Explain, explain
As I turn and meet the power
This time, this time
Turning white and senses dire
Pull up, pull up
From one extreme to another
Derek climbed behind the wheel of his Land Rover. His body sat stiffly against it's leather seats. He didn't need much to make him happy. He didn't need the huge house. He didn't need the fancy car. Although he was building the huge house, and he was driving the fancy cars. Maybe he had presented himself the wrong way. Maybe Meredith didn't see the real him. He didn't need much. He just needed to be happy. And that was what he had. Had. He told himself.
From the summer to the spring
From the mountain to the air
From Samaritan to sin
And it's waiting on the end
Derek couldn't get her out of his head. He smile, her laugh, her hair. He closed his eyes. He could almost smell her. He could almost feel her next to him. Maybe when he opened his eyes she would be sitting next to him. He did open his eyes. But what he saw wasn't her, what he saw caused him to slam on his brakes and swerve off the road. The car in front of him had stopped. He stopped the car and sat there trying to regain the feeling in his limbs.
Come on, come on
Put your hands into the fire
Explain, explain
As I turn and meet the power
This time, this time
Turning white and sense dire
Pull up, pull up
From one extreme to another
"I have go to get ahold of myself." He said quietly as he looked in the rearview mirror.
From the summer to the spring
From the mountain to the air
From Samaritan to sin
And it's waiting on the end
He tried not to think about her for the rest of the drive home. He sighed as he pulled into his driveway. He was relieved to be there alive. But saddened that he was there alone. He made his way into his dark trailer and grabbed his bottle of scotch. And there he sat on a plastic chair, in his half built, broken home, wondering how he was going to make it.
And now I'm alone I'm looking out, I'm looking in
Way down, the lights are dimmer
Now I'm alone I'm looking out , I'm looking in
Way down, the lights are dimmer
Come on, come on
Put your hands into the fire
Come on, come on
----------------
Meredith sighed as she sat down on her bed. She told herself that this was the right thing to do. He needed space. He just didn't realize it. She wanted him to be happy. She wanted him to realize that there was life beyond her. Meredith was practicing self-sacrifice. Maybe he would meet the woman of his dreams and ride off into the sunset. She didn't want to be the reason for his lifetime of unhappiness.
Sleep was not coming. It was twelve in the morning. Even though she had been lying down since eight, she hadn't slept a wink. She heard her cellphone ring. It was undoubtedly Derek, she told herself. Should she answer? No. She was doing this for him. Meredith grabbed the phone after it's last ring. As she suspected, it was him, and he left a message. She put her password in and listened. He was drunk. In fact, she had never heard him so drunk. He begged her to call him. It broke her heart, but she deleted the message. She was doing it for him, and there was no way she was going to talk to him in that condition. She needed someone, so she called her person. Cristina grumbled and said she was on her way.
"I hate men." Meredith said as Cristina laid down in the bed next to here.
"What do you need me to say?" Cristina asked with an annoyed voice.
"That you hate men too. And Mcdreamy is a foolish ass. And I am right." Meredith spat simply.
"Okay. McDreamy is an ass. And Men suck. They are only good for one thing. Oh, and you are right, as always." Cristina said. "Is that everything?"
"Yes. Thank you." Meredith said as she fluffed her pillow.
"So what is going on?" Cristina asked as she rolled over and faced Meredith.
"I told him we needed space." Meredith explained.
"Why?" Cristina asked.
"I can't deal with him right now. He wants kids." Meredith told her.
"Oh hell no. I am not changing diapers and dealing with your bitchy ass. Not to mention you won't be able to lean over the OR table because you ass will be too big." Cristina reasoned.
"That's what I'm saying." Meredith returned. "I never thought it would be such a big deal. He never said anything, then after Ian mentioned it, it was a huge issue." Meredith told her.
"He needs to get over it. Or move on." Cristina said as she rolled over.
"That's what I said..." Meredith said as her voice cracked. "Move on..." She said quietly.
"But that's not what you want...is it?" Cristina laughed.
"Shit." Meredith muttered at her new found realization.
-------------------
Meredith walked slowly to the locker room with Cristina. She had quit talking about Derek. Cristina had chastised her for talking about him too much. Cristina had grown tired of hearing it. So had Izzie and George. But she needed to talk about it. Maybe she would see Addison around today. She could always talk to Addison. She threw on her scrubs. She didn't talk to anyone. They all avoided the subject completely. She was either on the verge of crying or yelling, and they didn't want to see either one. She had to get out of the locker room. Away from the smelly scrubs and useless friends that she now had. She took a walk to the OR board. Derek wasn't on it again. It was the third day this week, he hadn't been it. She was really beginning to worry. Well, not really. Worry was the first day, now she was at a full-blown panic. She couldn't call him. She wouldn't. She was hoping that he was doing what she said, and taking space. Maybe he left town for couple of days. Although she had a sinking feeling that he hadn't.
"Okay assignments everyone." Meredith heard Dr. Bailey say at the locker room door. "Where the hell is Grey?" She shouted.
"I'm right here." Meredith said from behind.
"Where have you been?" Miranda asked sharply.
"I was looking at the OR board." Meredith explained.
"Looking for good surgeries?" Bailey asked
"No. Just looking." She muttered.
"Sure." Miranda replied. "Okay, assignments. Karev you are with Montgomery, Stevens and Yang, you are with Burke, O'Malley you are in the pit, and Grey, you are with me." Miranda told them. "Go!"
"So what are we doing?" Meredith asked with a hopeful tone.
"You are doing my post-op notes and charts." Bailey responded as she walked away.
"Dr. Bailey?" Meredith shouted.
"What Grey?" Miranda asked as she turned around.
"Um. I was just- Um-." Meredith started.
"Surgeons don't don't start their sentences with um." Miranda spat.
"Have you seen Dr. Shepherd? I was just wondering because-" Meredith started.
"He's your boyfriend. I don't keep tabs on your boyfriend. If you want to know where he is, call him!" Miranda said loudly.
"I was just worried." Meredith said as her face dropped.
"He took a couple of personal days." Miranda said with a softened face. "Now get to work!" She demanded as she walked away. "Damn fool interns, all they think about is themselves." She muttered.
Meredith rushed through the charts and decided to grab a cup of coffee. She needed some fresh air. She needed to think. She walked up to the coffee cart and grabbed a mocha latte, and a muffin. She took a seat on a bench out front. It was the same bench that she had sat on with Derek. The bench where they were sitting when she told them she needed space. She was in her only little world, and didn't even notice Addison walk up and sit softly next to her.
"You aren't listening are you?" Addison asked loudly.
"Whoa!" Meredith said as she jerked to consciousness.
"Where were you?" Addison asked with a chuckle.
"I was thinking." Meredith answered.
"So, what did you do to my ex-husband?" Addison asked with a chuckle. "He called me last night. He was so drunk I couldn't even understand him."
"I told him we needed to take some space. Get away from each other for awhile." Meredith explained.
"Why would you do that?" Addison asked with a questioning tone.
"It's been too much. Between Ian showing up, and me being married, and now divorced. It's just been too much. And he wants to have kids. And I don't know if I do. He made me choose on the spot and I said no. Now he is mad." Meredith explained.
"Derek wants to have kids?" Addison said in shock. Her face looked hurt.
"Yeah, why?" Meredith asked.
"I begged Derek to have kids. I wanted kids so bad. He wouldn't. He said we didn't have time. He was too busy and so was I. I even offered to cut back at work. I was in a private practice. I said I'd just see patients a few days a week. He wouldn't do it." Addison explained with a crackling voice.
"Oh." Meredith muttered. She almost wished she hadn't said anything. "I'm sorry..."
"Meredith, this has nothing to do with you. I didn't mean it like that. It's best that we didn't have kids. Maybe in his heart, Derek always knew that we wouldn't make it." Addison explained.
"So, why haven't you had kids?" Meredith asked.
"I can't. Stan and I tried, I couldn't get pregnant. Now I've come to accept it." Addison said. "You never realize what you have until it's gone, you know?"
"Yeah..." Meredith muttered with a deep sadness in her voice. "I guess you don't..."
"Why don't you call him?" Addison asked.
"I can't Addie. I told him to take space. I want him to take space." Meredith replied.
"No you don't. You don't want him to take space. Who are you kidding?" Addison said with a laugh. "You had a fight, and now you are avoiding the whole situation. You would rather "take space" than deal with it." Addison said quickly.
"Sometimes I think you know me too well." Meredith said with a sigh. "But I don't want to hurt him. I have been hurt so many times. I don't want to do it to him. I can't steal his dreams away from him. I just don't know what I want. I'm an intern. I work one-hundred plus weeks. Like I could grow a human inside of me." Meredith whined.
"Have you explained that to him?" Addison asked.
"Well, no. We haven't really talked. Argued, yes." Meredith returned.
"So neither of you had listened to what the other is feeling?" Addsion asked.
"Well, no. I guess not." Meredith moaned.
"Well, there is your problem!" Addison laughed. "Call him."
"Not yet. He hasn't been to work in a few days, and he hasn't called. I'm worried. Maybe he is taking the space I told him to." Meredith replied, as she took a sip of her drink.
"What worries you more, that he may not be okay, or that he is really taking space?" Addison questioned. Meredith looked at her feet. "I'll stop by after work. I'll talk to him. Don't worry."
"Thanks, Addie." Meredith said with a smile. "I better get back to work."
------------------
Addison drove up the dirt drive leading to Derek's trailer. She hadn't been over much. Maybe one or two times. She thought he was crazy to live in a trailer. She always thought he was most at home in their brownstone. She had always thought she knew Derek better than anyone. But lately, she was beginning to think she didn't know him at all. She pulled her Audi next to his Land Rover and looked up at the porch. There he was standing at the grill with a beer in his hand.
"What the hell do you think you're doing?" She asked as she walked up.
"Well, I think I am grilling fish." He stated simply.
"Well, at least you are only drinking beer tonight. Because last night you were definitely drinking something more." She stated dryly.
"Well, I start out with the beer. Last night it was followed by scotch. I've run out, and all I have left is some bourbon." Derek laughed.
"You hate bourbon." Addison pointed out.
"Yeah, but it gets the job done." He said with a sigh.
"And what job is that? Drowning out your pain and sorrows. Avoiding the problem?" Addison asked with a hand on her hip.
"I am taking space!" He said angrily.
"Derek, I have never seen you act so foolish in my life. You love work, and you have taken days off. You aren't a big drinker, and you have been getting drunk. All this over a girl?" Addison asked smartly, knowing it would make him mad.
"Meredith isn't just a girl!" He yelled. "She is the love of my life..." He said quietly.
"I know she is." Addison agreed. "That is why you need to fix this."
"I want to fix it. But she wants space. She wants time apart." He said sadly.
"Meredith doesn't want time apart. She is avoiding this mess just like you are. Neither of you really want to deal with it. She doesn't want to exist in this silence you have both formed. You need to fix this!" She said loudly.
"I'm trying." He replied.
"You aren't trying. You are sitting on your ass getting drunk." She stated. He just sat there and stared off, knowing she was right. "And what is this about wanting kids?" She said with attitude.
"Um-" He started nervously, knowing he was treading on a touchy subject.
"I begged you to have kids!" Addison said sadly.
"I know you did Addie. I'm so sorry. But I knew. I knew that you and I were not going to make it. We had drifted apart. I just wasn't ready, and I had a lot on my plate. But when I met Meredith, I knew I wanted kids with her. I want to wake up on Sunday morning next to my wife and three kids, who just couldn't sleep in their own beds. I want to look at my children and see that they have their mother's eyes..." He told her.
"Derek. You can't do that. That is scary. You can't say that to her. She isn't like a normal girl. She has been hurt. And she's guarded. You can't say things like that, and expect her to not be scared out of her mind. You forced her to say no!" Addison explained as she sipped the beer Derek gave her.
"Do you know how it felt when I found out that she didn't have the same dream as me? It was like getting kicked in the gut!" He said quickly.
"You need to take a page out of your own book. You didn't want kids. Remember how it felt when I pressured you?" She asked. He dropped his head sadly. "Maybe she will come around. Maybe she will change her mind. You don't know. But you need to make a decision. You either want Meredith, the woman that you love, for who she is, or you need to end it. Find someone else. Then you can have the kids you want, even if they don't have the love of your life's blood running through their veins. No matter what, you will regret letting her go. But that is a mistake you will have to make on your own." Addison told him as she placed her hand over his.
"Oh, Addie." He said, knowing she was right. They sat there in a comfortable silence before addison finally broke it.
"The house is looking good." Addison said as she looked over at it.
"Yeah." Derek answered.
"It's big." She said. "You built it for her, didn't you?"
"Pretty much. She had a lot to do with it's design. But she had no idea why I was building it." He said. "I just want it to work. I need it to work, Addie." He told her.
"And it will. But you will have to work for it." Addison told him. "Let's go look at his house." She said, hoping to lighten the mood.
"Okay." He answered as they walked towards the house. He could see a glimmer of hope. Looking up at the house, now he was beginning to see that there really was a light at the end of the tunnel.
-------------------
I have been working my ass off to get this done for you guys! I promise Mer and Der will be together really soon. In fact it is killing me that they are at odds right now...and it's my fic! They are both being extremely pig-headed, but it will work out... Oh! Meredith is going to do something rash...something crazy...it doesn't really involve Derek, but will affect him. Can anyone guess?