Mask Of Myself

As I lie tossing in my bed, lost in my fears remembering what you said
And I try to hide the truth within, the mask of myself shows its face again.

Disclaimer/Notes: Don't own Bleach; couldn't dream to. I wrote this after hearing 12 Stones' song, Crash. Don't worry, this isn't a songfic, but the lyrics quoted above are from that track. When I heard it, I could swear that it was written about Ichigo and his hollow. I love the scene inside himself that is shown in the later chapters, when he's fighting for dominance. I love the symbolism, and I love his hollow side! He's so freaking insane! IchiRuki is also good. All three together are much better! So here's some IchiRuki by way of HollowIchigo, with a side of symbolism.

In his dreams, the other shows himself, a voice that permeates his consciousness and echoes into reality, tearing him from sleep. He always awakes like that, with taunting whispers rippling through him. Whenever you let your guard down...

He tries to erase the feeling of another presence inside him, a dark urging to do something... he doesn't know what that something is, but he knows it's something he doesn't want to do. Still, the presence remains, its existence a dark pulse that thrums in tune with his heart.

Whenever you let your guard down, I will defeat you...

Cold fingers alight on his shoulder, and he spins around to see nothing. No... there is something. The ice cold presence laughs at him from within his mind as he turns around to see a reflection of himself.

Whenever you let your guard down, I will defeat you, and trample your skull under my hooves.

He sees himself in the mirror, but the one he sees is not himself. Eyes dyed obsidian blink at him through acid-yellow irises, blazing under a deadly smirk. "Looks like someone's sleepin' on the throne, huh, King? It won't be long until I catch you off-guard..."

He blinks to rid himself of the image, but it's still there, still taunting him with its presence.

"You can't get rid of me just like that. Do whatever you want, but when you come back, I'll still be here. Until that day when I gain control."

An involuntary shudder passes through him. "Go away."

"But you need me, don't you? Look at what you allowed to happen to that black-haired chick! Did you see her face? She was telling you to run. Like she needs to protect you. Like she felt she needed to take your blows. And ya know, if that healer girl hadn't been around, the shinigami chick would be dead. 'Cause you couldn't protect her. 'Cause you couldn't stand up and stop that pathetic hybrid freak who messed with her. It would have been all your fault."

"Stop it," he grinds out. He's right. She would be dead... she'd be dead, and I would have been the one to blame.

"You don't want to hear the truth? Weakling. You are useless. As much as you fight, as much as you train...you will never become strong enough to beat people like that. For them, you need me. As much as you deny it, it remains true—just as I remain, and will remain: you are not strong enough without me."

"I'll become strong enough."

"How you fool yourself. Look at that girl—look at her, living, and remember what could have happened."

He hears her breaths, soft feathers of sound against his eardrums, as she sleeps in the closet, mere feet away. He can't imagine those breaths ceasing. The thought of her being gone makes shudders run through him. She continues to breathe, unaware of his struggle.

"See? Remember me, every time you see her. I don't care if you got the throne, big guy; it was chance that lent it to you. Chance and luck and stubbornness. Do you care for that girl?"

Ichigo does not reply, staring stubbornly forward.

"You don't have to answer. You should see your frickin' inner world when you're near her. It's pathetically bright and cute. So which is more important to you... your own stubbornness and pride, or her life? One day, you'll have to choose. Your domination as King or her continued existence. It's late, little one, so I'll let you sleep. Think on that, though. Think on it, and remember to stay alive."

The dark presence recedes until he sees himself in the mirror, haggard and worn, terrified. His hair lays messily over wide eyes. When he at last dares to breathe, it comes out in a broken whimper. Squeezing his eyes shut, he tries to compose himself, allowing a quick look to the slatted closet door when he is no longer shaking so fiercely. Her breaths calm him, but the other's words echo to his mind once more.

If for his efforts alone, she would no longer be breathing...

The closet door opens slowly. "Ichigo?" she murmurs sleepily. "What's up?"

He shakes his head. "Nothing. You should go back to sleep."

She lets her legs hang down from her perch, slowly dropping to the floor. She steps quietly until she is right behind him, then she sits down. "You're stronger than he could ever be. Don't listen to any lies, okay?"

"But if...that time, if Inoue hadn't..."

"Do you think I'm that weak? Do you think I'd dare die? Look, whatever happens happens. I'd rather die than watch you give in to that thing inside you. So if it comes down to that, remain as yourself. Because you are the Ichigo I know. To lose that part of you would be a worse thing to me than losing my life. Remember this, Kurosaki Ichigo, when you look at me: you are stronger than the hollow inside of you. Otherwise, it would be him in the body I'm looking at. And it's not."

"That's because..."

Rukia growls, pushing him hard in the back. "Come on! I gotta do this again? Look, remember coming to Soul Society? All the things you did there were not done by the coward who's speaking right now. You're scared? I get it!" Her voice softens. "I get it. I'd be scared, too. But this fear of yours is what he's feeding on. I know this won't help you at all, but after that nut has bothered you with his opinions, I might as well bother you with mine."

Ichigo laughs softly.

"You wanna know what I believe?" A pause. "Well, I actually don't care if you wanna know. I'm telling you. I believe that you are strong enough to hold that hollow off. I believe said hollow is an insane bastard, and purely on those grounds, you win. I believe that the only way that you'd lose is by sulking your days away like this, and I also believe I'm gonna beat you to death if you don't lighten up. Soon. Now. I don't know how to deal with angsty teenagers and I have no intention of learning."

He flinches, allowing a twisted smirk to cross his face. "You say that, but it's only because your small brain doesn't have any room left inside it."

"More than yours, you brainless wonder!"

"Who failed every subject but Japanese History?" he retorts.

She kicks him, and they both fall silent for a while. It's fine, though... there really isn't anything to say.

A smile slowly creeps over his face. "Rukia..."

Some day soon, you will be weak, and I will take control...

"What is it, Ichigo?"

But that day is not today. It's not today, and it won't be tomorrow, either, or the day after that. Not as long as she's here.

"Rukia...thank you."

She smiles, and her voice echoes from somewhere behind him. "Don't mention it," she says.

"I mean it. Thank you for—"

"I meant it, too. As in, don't mention it. At all. In case you don't remember—" yawn "—your complaining tore me from a sound sleep. So I'm going back to bed now."

She stands, brushing the back of her skirt off and walking regally back to her cramped little closet.

Author's Notes: I've had this one in mind for a while, but never got around to writing it, because I just couldn't find a beginning that I was happy with. After re-reading some of the later manga chapters, I got to writing, and...uh...this was the result. I hope it's okay! I liked writing Ichigo's hollow. He was really fun. (And I wonder what Ichigo's inner world really looks like when Rukia's around...) I think, though, that if Ichigo ever gives in completely to his hollow, it will be to save someone. The IchiRuki fangirl in me hopes it might be Rukia. (Or maybe I've just been reading too much fanfiction. That's probably it) Please Review?