Please vote on the poll on my profile to say who you want to win! There won't be a winner for a long while (if people keep reading) but I can't make up my mind. I'm sorry it took me a while but I think I'm happy with this chapter now. It's not perfect but I hope it'll make you laugh. Thank you to all the reviews they made me so happy!

Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight, New Moon or Eclipse. Nope. Nada. Zero. Zilch. Sob

Edward, Emmett and the Wrath of the Tampons...

BPOV

I felt my stomach swooping into the air as my feet left the ground and my arms were deadlocked around a marble shape

I felt my stomach swooping into the air as my feet left the ground and my arms were deadlocked around a marble shape. Before I could blink I was plummeting forward through the forest at frightening speeds. We had reached the border of Forks before my mind recovered enough to work out that Carlisle was carrying me and we were running very, very fast. I opened my mouth tell him to slow down before I vomit but the words that came out were something vaguely along the lines of…

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAGHRR!"

"Keep on screaming like that Bella I'm sure we'll be completely inconspicuous" Jasper laughed from beside me.

"Yeah how could they ever find us?!" Rosalie called.

I was still in shock, it had never occurred to me that Carlisle could run faster than Edward but I supposed it made sense seeing as he had had more time to practice. Or maybe Edward had just being going easy on me for a while; it had been so long since we'd really had to run for something. Or from something, I thought with a shudder. I shook the thought from my head, now was not the time.

I watched in awe as the scenery flashed by me and I felt so…free. The four of us traveled in silence fore a while and I found that if I closed my eyes I could convince myself that it was Edward's back that I clung to. A thought suddenly occurred to me as I ran through the night's events in my mind.

"Jasper…Why do the Spice Girls have a restraining order against you?"

Rosalie and Carlisle roared with laughter as Jasper looked uncomfortably at the ground, which was quite a feat seeing as it was moving past at such high speeds. I began feeling extremely embarrassed for no particular reason, suddenly acutely aware that I had my legs wrapped round my future father in law. I attempted to give Jasper a vampire-style growl but failed miserably.

"Sorry Bella. Well it was in the nineties, you know how I loved the nineties?" He said pleadingly, "We were in London on vacation. There were so many fans; they were so excited that I could feel it right the way across the city. I couldn't help myself Bella! I dragged my family all the way to the stadium; I had never been so excited in my life that I almost fought my way to the front of the crowd. I was so excited!" I felt my own heart speed up a little.

"You were wearing a sequined, union jack mini dress over your clothes, Jasper. A little excited might be a bit of an understatement."Carlisle grinned.

"Thousands of them. Hundreds of thousands of excitable twelve year olds, all that blood pumping with adrenaline" his voice was barely a whisper now as he swallowed. I was so engrossed in the story that I completely forgot that I was hurtling through the air in an unknown city. "Before I knew what I was doing….ijumpedontothestage" If vampires could blush, Jasper would be on fire right now.

"You what?!"

"I. jumped. Onto. The stage. I had to get away from them all, they were everywhere. And then… She turned on me-"

"Scary Spice" Rosalie pointed out helpfully with a smirk and Jasper whimpered.

"She started…dancing…around me…touching me. Edward says she took a bit of shine to me. I panicked, Bella! Before I knew what I was doing, I had her pinned up against the wall. She thought I, ummm, felt the same as she did. Of course, you know what happened after that…"

"The first few lines of Wannabe are enough to have him curled up in the fetal position" Carlisle stated matter-of-factly. I struggled to gasp in air as I was laughing so hard, but a strange smell accosted my nostrils. Sea salt.

"Bella, welcome to Jacksonville!" Jasper stated grandly, shamelessly trying to change the subject. I recognized the surroundings around me as my mom's most recent home. I knew that I wouldn't be able to see her, after all how would I explain that to Charlie. I pushed down the sudden ache inside me as I realized that I missed Renee. I would have to get used to that.

"Where did the other team go?" I asked, trying to get some less upsetting thoughts into my head.

"Denali" OK, that didn't help. Jasper grimaced sympathetically. Well that's just great, if Jasper knows why I feel awful it could hardly have been a secret.

All of a sudden we stopped; I looked around unable to see anything but darkness. Before the panic really set in I realized that I had my eyes closed. I jerked them open and let go of Carlisle without thinking, causing me to fall flat on my face in the sand. Sand?

"Sand!"

We were on the beach. I reveled in the feeling of the warm grains under my fingertips, ignoring the laughter of the others. With a sigh I pulled myself onto my feet, there was no time to lounge around the beach when I had some serious vampire butt kicking to do.

"So, what's the plan?"

"Well, we have a problem" Rosalie sighed.

"What?"

They all pointed at me.

"Oh" I murmured, crestfallen. "I'm s- sorry you have to have me on your team. I d- don't want to let you down, you can just take me home. If-if you want"

Rosalie threw her hands up in the air, "For goodness sake Bella stop being so melodramatic! Its not you, as a person, it's your scent. If we come anywhere within a ten mile radius of him he'll be able to point to you blindfolded. We don't stand a chance of sneaking up on them!" I

Brightened a little, but then frowned as I realized the magnitude of our problem.

"If we can't sneak up on them, we will have to come up with a different approach this year" Carlisle grimaced, but an idea hit me.

"If we can't go to them… then we'll just wait for them to come for us!"

"An ambush" Hissed Jasper "Perfect!"

"No offense Bella, but I didn't know you had it in you" Carlisle grinned, his eyebrows raised.

"Oh, just wait it gets better…"

Time: 1100 hrs

Location: The Frozen Foods Aisle

Deserted Wal-Mart Store

Somewhere near Denver, Colorado

I army rolled around a corner and promptly knocked down a pyramid of cans on top of me.

"Way to go with the sleuth, Bella" Rosalie muttered and I flushed scarlet. I had surprised even myself with my plan, it was by no means that of an evil genius but I had noticed Jasper giving me appreciative stares when I wasn't looking. So I was, in the freezer section of a baron supermarket, freezing my ass off, all in the name of war. Because that was what it was now, war. And I was going to win. I tried to fight off the evil laughter bubbling in my throat but a little slipped out anyway.

"Mwahaha…"

"What did you say Bella" Carlisle asked innocently. He knew exactly what I had "said".

"Uhhh, nothing"

"Positions!" Jasper growled into my earpiece. We had found it in the backpack that Alice had supplied me with, apparently to make up for my insubstantial human ears. I felt like a little old lady who had to wear a hearing aid.

I slid on my stomach down the aisle and into toiletries section. My boots made a high pitched squealing sound against the rubbery floor and I cringed. Honestly, is it too much to ask to be graceful for 30 seconds in my life! Silly Question… Jasper was crouched ahead of me behind a sales counter with a laptop in front of him. He had hacked into the security system and was watching out for the other team. I swear it was like a scene out of a heist movie. With a deafening screech against the floor I dragged myself up next to him.

"You know Bella, you could have just walked."

"But, where's the fun in that?"

I jumped at let out a small cry of shock as Carlisle and Rosalie swung over the counter in front of me.

"They're just outside the border; I'd say we have about 5 minutes. Only Emmett's actually going to come in, they aren't stupid; they know what we're trying to do. Emmett, of course, always has to be the exception to rule, so at least we'll have one down." Carlisle grimaced. "We could have done with getting Edward out, the girls are going to be tricky but we could really do without Edward's ability to smell Bella"

I almost stamped my foot. Almost. I had wanted to prove how good I was at this to Edward and he wasn't even going to be there to see! There had to be someway I could get him in here. He wouldn't be swooping in to save me like he usually does any time soon; I was in no danger here.

But he didn't know that.

He couldn't know that.

I gasped as an idea flew into my head. Drawing on that intake of breath, I filled my lungs with air. My blood-curdling scream ripped apart the silence as I pushed out my breath as loudly as I could manage. Gathering all my, not so brilliant acting skills I closed my eyes letting my scream dwindle and wretch into a quivering sob. Grinning I opened my eyes, it wasn't Oscar winning but it would do. I saw three pairs of shocked topaz eyes boring back into mine, three perfect mouths hanging slightly ajar.

"Edward's coming…He definitely heard that, I can feel him panicking from here" Jasper said, a slow smile spreading across his face.

"I will never underestimate you again." Murmured Rosalie as I stood up and took a bow.

EPOV

She was in danger. My Bella, my angel was in danger. I wasn't there.

As soon as I had heard her scream I ran, wholly aware that I could be running into an ambush but not caring. I just had to know she was safe. It had been a mistake, bringing her here tonight. Of course it had been. That was my life, an amalgamation of mistakes. And I was completely aware that I could have been hurling myself at one, headlong, right at that moment.

I ground to a halt in front of the supermarket and heard Emmett crash into a lamppost beside me, snapping it in two. I had stopped because I could hear her heartbeat pounding out its usual melody, marginally faster than usual, but safe. I could smell her blood pumping with adrenaline but nothing else, intoxication as always. I half sighed in relief and half laughed, Bella was a better actress than I had given her credit for. I rolled my eyes at Emmett who was guiltily trying to rectify the damage that he had done to the streetlight. I saw a CCTV camera swivel out of the corner of my eye and sighed, still a little lightheaded with relief. There was no way we could not go in now. They we watching us…

I crept down the aisle, Emmett beside me, following their scents. Something was wrong, they weren't moving and from what I could tell they we simply sat calmly behind the counter just a hundred or so feet from Emmett and I. No matter how much I wanted to, I didn't listen, I wouldn't cheat, and I had made that mistake before… I sunk towards the ground into a crouch as a feral growl rippled through me. My brother motioned for me to move closer and I obliged, morbidly eager to see what was in store for us.

However, I don't think that in a million years I could have guessed what happened next…

BPOV

It was time… I placed my mouth next to Jasper's ear as Rosalie and Carlisle did the same. I couldn't see Edward, which was probably for the best. I prayed that Jasper could hold his emotion; he just had to wait for my signal but I knew that that would be easier said than done.

I heard an animal-like snarl echo through the vast supermarket and I grabbed the small box next to me. Rosalie had picked it, "Just an extra kick where it hurts" she had said. I stole another deep breath. I was ready. They were so close now.

It was time…

"YO! I'LL TELL YOU WHAT I WANT. WHAT I REALLY, REALLY WANT" I bellowed, singing at the top of my voice.

"SO TELL ME WHAT YOU WANT! WHAT YOU REALLY, REALLY WANT!" Carlisle hollered. A 360 year old vampire, with the voice of an arch-angel, singing the Spice Girls. Not something you hear everyday.

"I WANNA" I cried.

"HUP!" The beautiful Rosalie shrieked…

"I WANNA"

"HUP!"

"I WANNA"

"HUP!"

"I WANNA"

"HUP!"

We all joined in for the grand finale as Jasper rocked backwards and forwards.

"I REALLY, REALLY, REALLY WANNA ZIGGAZIGG--"

On the final note I managed to do three things simultaneously. Firstly I drove my knee I into Jasper's side as hard as I could, ignore in the pain as kneecap met marble. Secondly, I swung my arm up into the air and slammed the box onto the counter in plane view of Emmett and Edward. It was a multi-pack of ultra absorbent tampons, I was convinced it would have freaked them out anyway, even without what was about to happen next. That's why I did the final thing; I dove away from Jasper onto the cool plastic floor and covered my head with my hands. Not that it was any use. How the hell I managed to do all these things in a matter of milliseconds I will never know. What can I say? We girls can multitask.

It was like a tidal wave of fear pulling me under, and I had only gotten the fall out from it, because I knew for a fact that Jasper had aimed all his emotion at one innocent little box.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGHRR!!"

I looked over the counter to see Edward stood cradling Emmett in his arms, screaming and each holding onto each other for dear life. Emmett was clutching at Edward's shirt his face contorted into a mask of utter fear. My beautiful Greek god was pointing a shaking finger at the little pink box, whimpering in fear and unable to form coherent sentences. Jasper was staring intensely at them, pummeling them with emotion. I howled with laughter, they were completely unaware they had finished the last sentence in our little song. Rosalie and Carlisle were holding each other up in hysterics, it was a good job they didn't need to breathe because they would have most likely suffocated by now.

"BELLAAA! Please…take…them…away…get…" Edward had dropped Emmett and was now backing slowly away. Emmett was scrabbling away after him, clutching at Edwards legs.

"What? These?" I asked innocently picking up the offending pink packet. They both gave me desperate, wide eyed nods. I passed them calmly to Carlisle who scrutinized the box and then the boys. With a sly smile he hopped over the counter and walked slowly towards them. He shook the box slightly. This, apparently, was the last straw as a fresh round of screams ensued.

"OH MY GOOOOD! Don't. Come. Any. Closer!" Gasped Emmett.

"Stay Back!!" Roared Edward, brandishing two toothbrushes in front of him in the shape of a cross. Rosalie and I were rolling on the floor at this point, Carlisle was slumped against the counter, banging it hard with his fist. Dragging myself up, I tapped Jasper on the shoulder, signaling for him to ease up on them a little as I strode over to Edward who was still wielding his toothbrushes.

"Aren't you going to let us go?!" He whispered "Please, Bella"

I avoided his eyes, I could not afford to be dazzled right now.

"Oh no…" I grinned "We've got you exactly where we want you…"

Please Review people! I can't improve if I don't know what your thinking. Mind reading would come in handy now! As always, I'm completely open to any ideas you have for plot.

There is a picture of Jasper's dress on my profile if you want to see it! Same as last time I'l give you the next chapter title to ponder on. Drumroll please!... "Waxing lyrical" bit of a play on words there :D wonder if any of you can figure it out.

Thanks for reading, Hannah xx