Meredith lost her nerve. She had all intentions of talking to Derek about it. But when it came down to it, she didn't. Derek had gotten his paperwork in to the children services agency. They were awaiting the decision. The call. Meredith was in knots about it. It had been four days. Tomorrow was Friday, and she knew if they didn't get the call then, it wouldn't be until Monday. She didn't know if she could take going through a weekend without knowing.
"You picked at your dinner..." Derek said as he looked up from his book.
"I wasn't hungry." She said with a sigh. "I'm just not hungry."
"You need to eat. You look exhausted." He scolded. He went back to reading.
She looked over at Derek. He was deep in thought. She laid her head down softly on his lap. He looked down at her with a smile. She looked at his perfect face. It was just slightly weathered. She could tell he had been carrying around some extra baggage lately. It was more stress, and it was because of her. She looked at his eyes. They pulled her in like nothing she had ever felt. It almost scared her a little. And his hair. She loved running her fingers through his perfectly messy hair. Looking at him, she realized she loved him more than anything. It was intense, all consuming. She asked herself, how could she deny him children? And yet, she could.
"Derek?" She said as softly as she could. She almost hoped he didn't hear her.
"Hmm?" He asked distractedly.
"Why do you want kids?" She asked. It was a question she had never thought to ask him. It caught his attention immediately, and he sat his book down.
"Well." He started as he looked down at her. "You are everything I have ever wanted. Looking at you, I know this is what I am supposed to be doing. I never thought about kids. But with you, I do every day. I want a piece of you. I want a piece of us. I want to know what it feels like to hold my child for the first time. Something that was created out of the love we share. I want to be woken up in the middle of the night by a screaming child, only to have him or her quiet down the minute he or she is in my arms. I want to stare into the eyes of my child because they look just like her mother's. I want to read bedtime stories, and then come lay in bed next to the love of my life. I want to wake up to a bed full of kids on the weekends. I want you, Meredith. I want a piece of you." He said as he looked into her tear filled eyes.
"Derek..." She whimpered into his leg. He could feel the tears soaking though his pants.
"But, because I love you, I can live without all of that. As long as I have you, that's enough." He said as he leaned down and kissed her head. She took in a deep breath.
"I saw the books. I wasn't--Okay, yes I was. I was being nosy and I snooped. And I saw them, Derek. I saw the book. I saw the names. Elizabeth, Taylor--" She started.
"Delilah, Adam, Alana, Jackson..." He went on as he dropped his eyes.
"I saw it, Derek. I'm sorry. I didn't realize how much it meant to you. Maybe I did realize. I just didn't care. Or I was being selfish. Just-- Don't give up on me, Derek. Right now, I am so stressed out. I'm an intern. I'm always tired. My brain in fried. I can't imagine growing a human inside of me. I can't imagine the late night feedings. I realize that Anna would be a lot of work. But a baby...our baby...that is something I do not want to screw up. A baby needs a mom who is completely focused. Give me time. Just--Don't count me out..." She said with a sigh. She felt like the weight of the world had been lifted off of her shoulders.
"Thank you..." He whispered through a silent tear and a crackling voice.
"This doesn't mean I'm saying yes..." She clarified quickly.
"No, thank you for finally being honest. Thank you for letting me in." He explained. She crawled up to his chest and laid there, listening to his heartbeat.
"What do you think is going to happen?" She asked. She could feel his chest tense up. "With Anna, I mean."
"I don't know, Mer." He responded honestly.
"We--No, I-- I have a lot of things against me. People don't give children to people like me. It's too late. I've done what I've done. I wish I had done so many things differently." She said softly with a sigh.
"We all do, Mer. But if thing were different, we wouldn't be here, together." He answered wisely.
"If you had seen his eyes, Derek--" She started. He looked at her with confusion. "They were so full of hurt. So full of worry. I can't get his eyes out of my head. He loved his daughter. He lost his chance. She has no one."
"Brian..." Derek said, understanding. "Meredith, if we don't get her-- She may find someone else. You aren't the only one that could love her. She may find the best family in the world..." He said sadly, knowing his comment would upset her. He was awaiting the backlash. To his surprise, there was none.
"I know how she feels, Derek. To feel like there is no one there for you. I know that feeling. When I saw her laying in that bed after the explosion-- Our eyes met. I can't explain it. It was like it was meant to be. The fact that my bone marrow matched hers. That doesn't happen. I know it sounds crazy... Six months ago, I was partying. I was hanging out in bars. And now-- I feel like she came into my life for a reason. She needs saved, and I want to save her. But I don't want to save her alone. I want you there with me. I need you to be there with me. I know I don't talk to you. I know I don't communicate...but I am trying." She said as a tear ran down her cheek.
"I know you are." He said as he held her tighter. "I know you are..."
Derek flipped the light off and laid there. He didn't know what to do. He loved her so much. He knew she really wanted this. He also knew that the chances of them obtaining the little girl were slim. As much as he would never admit it to her, he knew her past would be the one holding them back. But at the same time, he somewhat felt that wasn't fair. They didn't know Meredith. They didn't know what it was when she loved with her whole heart. He was beginning to figure this out. And this was when he decided that he was done pressuring her to have kids. He didn't want her to do it because she felt she needed to for him. He could tell she was at the tipping point, and he could convince her. But he didn't want to back her in a corner. If it was meant to be, it would be.
------------------
Meredith woke up in the same position. She had slept through the night, surprisingly enough. She could feel Derek's shallow breaths moving her up and down. He was still asleep. She glanced over at the clock reading quarter till five. She didn't have to be to work until six, and Derek didn't have surgery until eight. She didn't want to wake him up. She just wanted to lay there for a few more minutes and bask.
As she laid there she thought she heard the front door open. It was probably George or Izzie grabbing the paper, she thought. That was until she heard the loud pounding of feet on the stairs. It grew closer and closer. Soon enough her bedroom door flew open.
"Hey." Cristina said simply. As she walked over to the bed. "Get up." She said as she shoved Derek.
"Huh?" He said sleepily as he quickly awoke.
"Get!" She spat as she shoved him again. "I need to talk to my person."
"We can go downstairs." Meredith suggested.
"No." Derek said as he threw his leg over the bed. "I'll go." He stated, giving Meredith a look. "But I am just going to the bathroom, so hurry up."
"Cristina." Meredith said as she laid there and looked up at her.
"Scoot over." She said as she shoved her. Meredith did. Cristina climbed onto the bed and laid there with her coat and shoes on.
"Um--" Meredith started.
"First of all, I am not apologizing. I don't do that!" She spat as she glanced over.
"I never said you were." Meredith responded dryly.
"Good." Cristina answered.
"Good." Meredith returned.
"So why are you here?" Meredith asked with an ever so faint smile.
"Because." Cristina stated.
"Because?" Meredith asked as she looked over at her.
"Fine. You aren't that screwed up. I mean on a scale of one to ten, you're probably like a seven." She explained.
"Thanks." Meredith snapped as she looked at the ceiling.
"No problem." Cristina returned. "So anyway you are my person."
"So I am stuck with you?" Meredith laughed.
"Yep." Cristina returned.
"Okay then." Meredith said quickly.
"Okay." Cristina said as she shook her head.
"Yang!" Derek spat as he walked toward the bed.
"Okay, okay. I'm leaving." She said as she stood up. "And good morning to you too." She said as she looked down at him. Derek quickly grabbed a pillow and covered himself.
"Cristina!" Meredith shouted.
"Leaving. You better put that thing to work." She said as she ran down the stairs.
"You just let an intern kick you out of bed!" Meredith laughed.
"I let an intern kick me out of bed all of the time." Derek explained as he laid down and pulled her over on him.
"Yes, but I am a special intern." Meredith giggled as he kissed her neck.
"And I think we need to take Cristina's advice and put this bad boy to work." Derek said with a laugh.
"He is a very, bad boy!" Meredith said with a giggle as he pulled her shirt over her head.
"That he is." Derek returned as he trailed kisses down her neck and chest.
----------------
"Grey. Give me those charts. Dr. Montgomery had a D & C you can scrub in on." Miranda Bailey said as she walked up and grabbed the charts out of her hand. "You're here to learn...Go!" She shouted.
"Okay." Meredith said meekly as she walked off.
She caught a glance of Derek, leaning against the wall in his ordinary fashion. He was talking to another doctor. It was someone she didn't know. She had to smile. Every time she looked at him she smiled. Almost as if he had sensed her, he looked up. Their eyes met. His face lit up and she smiled at him. His gaze was torn away by the doctor. She continued walking on.
"Dr. Montgomery?" Meredith said as she walked up to her from behind.
"So I get my favorite intern..." Addison said with a smile. "We have a dilation and curettage that needs to be done. Can you prep our patient? She is in room 405."
"No problem." Meredith returned as she walked off. "Hi Ms. Fredrick's. I am Dr. Grey. I will be prepping you for your procedure today." Meredith said with a smile.
"Please, call me Jenny." She said with a faint smile.
"Do you have any questions? I may not be able to answer them, but I can try..." Meredith explained.
"I think the doctor explained pretty much everything. I am going to have a stranger looking at my cervix. Not my idea of fun." She said with a chuckle.
"Between you and I, it's not on the top of my list either." Meredith returned.
"It's just scary." Jenny added.
"It may be nothing. The important thing is that you are being proactive. So many people just turn the other way and pretend nothing is wrong." Meredith replied.
"We've been trying to get pregnant. My boyfriend and I. I had one baby, and gave it up for adoption. I was only fifteen. And now. I try, and I can't. And this bleeding is scaring the hell out of me. Just my luck, when I didn't want a baby, it came easily. Now, I find the love of my life, and we can't conceive." Jenny explained sadly.
"I'm sorry. That must be horrible." Meredith said, feeling bad. Especially in her current situation. "You could always adopt..." Meredith suggested.
"It's not the same. If I had no other option-- But I want to have a piece of my boyfriend and I. I guess it sounds selfish..." She trailed off. "Are you going to be in there?" Jenny asked.
"Yes, I will be." Meredith returned as she finished up. "Are you ready?"
"As I will ever be." Jenny told her with a smile.
-------------------
Meredith followed Addison into the Operating room. She couldn't get that thought out of her head. She felt bad for the woman. She was maybe a couple of years younger than her. And her road was at an end. It almost made Meredith realize what she has.
"So, Dr. Grey, what can you tell me here?" She asked as she inserted the speculum.
"Well, a dilation and curettage is often used to diagnose or treat abnormal uterine bleeding, the D&C also provides important information about whether uterine cancer is present. Ms Fredricks has had abnormal bleeding." Meredith explained.
"We will be looking for the source of that bleeding today." Addison told her as she began to dilate the woman's cervix. "So, you and Derek are doing good?" She asked.
"Yeah. sometimes we can be so stupid." Meredith laughed. "You know the little girl, Anna Livingston?" Meredith asked.
"With leukemia? The one you donated marrow for?" Addison asked.
"Yeah." Meredith told her. "I am-- Derek and I are trying to get temporary custody of her." Addison's head shot up.
"What about her family?" Addison asked.
Meredith went into the long story about her grandparents. Addison couldn't believe that it had happened. Meredith continued talking as Addison continued examining the patient.
"So Derek and I are trying. Just temporary for now. Until the outcome of the trial is known." Meredith explained.
"Well, I think that's great." She said happily "How exciting."
"I don't think it's going to happen. There are so many things against us." Meredith returned slowly.
"Well, I think you would make a wonderful parent." Addison said with a smile.
"Well, I guess we'll see what they say." Meredith said, trying to be optimistic.
"It's crazy that anyone can go out and have kids. They can take them home and do whatever they want. But then, when someone wants a child. When someone wants to create a happy home for a child who had no one else, they make you jump through hoops." Addison explained, shaking her head.
"I understand it. Most kids come from broken homes. They want to make sure they don't end up in another one." Meredith returned.
"I guess you're right..." Addison waved for her to come over. Meredith looked. "Fibroids. Tons of them. Explains why she couldn't get pregnant. We need to remove these." Addison said. Meredith was hoping this was Jenny's second chance.
------------------
"Have you heard anything yet?" Izzie asked as she sat down next to Meredith. She let out a big sigh and sat back.
"No." She said simply. She had been trying not to think about it.
"Maybe you should call them." George suggested.
"Come on, Bambi. What's she going to say? Yes, we'd like to know if we can get the kid or not? You don't do that." Cristina snapped.
"Well, Grey, I think you're nuts." Alex said with a mouthful of food.
"Maybe I am." She said sadly.
"Don't worry, Mer. It will work out." George said as he patted her on the back.
"Either way you will be fine." Izzie said. "Because we are all here for you."
"Thanks guys." Meredith said as she speared a forkful of her salad.
"Have you even seen her yet?" George asked.
"No, that's the weird thing. Usually you meet with everyone. I'm beginning to think they are just humoring us." Meredith said pessimistically.
"If two doctors can't get a kid..." Alex chimed in.
"Maybe you guys should become crack-heads." Cristina laughed.
"No kidding." Meredith returned. "Then we would have no problem." They all looked over to see Miranda Bailey carrying her lunch and walking towards them.
"Oh my God, that nazi eats." Cristina joked.
"And it's real food. I thought she would just take a bite of the nearest wild animal." Alex said. They all laughed.
"If she sits down...we all get up!" Cristina spat. They shook their heads in agreement.
"Grey!" Miranda shouted. Meredith looked at her. "Doctor Montgomery wants you in her office."
"Okay." Meredith said as she stood up.
"Ohhh...someone's in trouble." Cristina said as Meredith walked away.
----------------
"Addison?" Meredith said softly as she stood in the door frame.
"Come in. Oh, shut the door." Addison said as she leaned back in her chair.
"Is everything okay? Did I make some kind of mistake?" Meredith asked nervously.
"Relax. This is friendly." Addison said with a smile. "Here." she said as she handed her a large envelope.
"What's this?" Meredith asked her as she removed it from her hands.
"Those are copies of the letters of reference I faxed to the agency. Dr. Burke, Dr. Bailey, Dr. Watson and myself all wrote one. They are the only people that know about this" Addison stated with a smile.
"Oh my God. You didn't have to." Meredith said with a tear running down her cheek.
"We are all your friends. We want to help. Plus, you need references." Addison explained.
"I got three in. That's what they needed. But...wow!" She replied as she pulled them out and read them.
"We also said some things about Stevens and O'Malley." Addison told her. "I hope this works out for you guys."
"Me too." Meredith said with a smile.
"You and I are friends, right?" Addison asked.
"Of course. Why?" Meredith asked with concern. She stopped reading.
"I shouldn't ask. You know what, it's no big deal." She said, trying to brush it off.
"No, Addie. Go ahead, ask." She said, now wondering what she was going to ask.
"Well...it's just...Please don't get upset." She started. "Derek was my husband, and we are still friends. And you and I are friends. I was just wondering why you want to get custody of a child, but you don't want to have children." Addison asked hesitantly. She watched Meredith tense up. "I can see if you want to keep your figure. Or if you don't want to carry a child. Never mind, forget I asked."
"No. It's so stupid." Meredith started with a worried look.
"Nothing you say is stupid, Meredith. Believe me, I've heard it all." Addison reassured her.
"I grew up without a dad. My Dad left when I was seven. I haven't seen him since. He just walked away. No phone calls, no cards. No contact. Dad's leave Addison. Dad's leave..." She said with tears in her eyes.
"Oh my God. You're afraid that if you and Derek have a baby, it will end things?" Addison asked in shock. Meredith nodded her head slightly.
"I know, It's stupid. I tried to convince myself. But--" She stammered.
"Oh, Meredith." She said as she walked around her desk and took a seat in the chair next to her. "Dad's don't leave. I know yours did, but that doesn't happen. My father is still here for me. And Derek--he's not like that. He would never do that." Addison said as he held her hand.
"Things are good. If things change, they might change for the worse. Marriages end. Children end up in custody battles. Or worse, they get abandoned." Meredith explained hesitantly.
"Meredith. I assure you. No I promise you. I'd lay my life down. Derek will never do that. He loves you more than anyone. I have never seen him like this. He isn't going anywhere unless it's by force. Derek isn't the kind of guy that leaves. He didn't even leave me. I ended it." Addison explained. "If anything, a baby would pull him closer to you. Don't worry about that." She said again.
"Thank you Addison." Meredith said as she whipped her tears.
"No problem. If you need to talk call me. But you should use Derek. He is a great listener, and has has good advice." She suggested. "Talk to him." Meredith nodded.
"Well, I better get back to work." Addison pulled Meredith into a hug.
"It will work out. Don't worry." Addison assured her again. "Bye."
Meredith felt better after talking to Addison. Now she felt stupid. It was stupid to even be thinking that way. But it was the truth. And the more she thought about kids with Derek, the more she felt the void of her own father. She was deep in thought when she felt an arm wrap around her.
"Hey. Are you okay?" Derek asked. "I was talking to you. Did you even see me?" He asked.
"I'm sorry. I was thinking..." Meredith responded.
"They called." He said with a smile.
"What?" She said as she opened her eyes and perked up.
"They want us to meet with them tonight. The case worker, Anna, and her family." Derek said happily.
"Really?" She asked.
"Really." He said as he pulled her close. "It doesn't mean yes." He explained.
"I know." She said as she crashed back to reality.
"This doesn't mean yes--but it doesn't mean no either." He said as he kissed her on the head. "But, I do have a good feeling."
"You do?" She asked. as she looked into his eyes.
"I do..." He said knowing what he had spent his day doing.
Okay, so Meredith was worried about Derek leaving her. To have a baby, and he alone is bad. She trusts Derek, but it is always in the back of her head---don't trust! She has Daddy issues, we know that. That is a big deal, for a Dad to just up and leave. She needs some work, but she is getting there. On fanficga, I put what I have written for the day up at night (usually around 10), so they are ahead (as of tonight.), if you want to read it there. Thanks for reading!