So heres the next chapter! thanks so much for the reviews guys, they brightened up a bad day for me. I want to thank HistoryintheMaking in particular for one of the ideas that I used in here and i do plan to use the others later on in the story. So if anyone else has any suggestions feel free to let me know. I have a poll up on my profile and i would really appreciate if you could vote for who you want to win! I just can't make up my mind. This chapter is a little filler-ish but hope it'll make you giggle anyway.

Disclaimer: I still don't own anything :)

Waxing Lyrical

BPOV

I strolled towards Edward, reveling in the feeling of power. Rosalie joined me; we had made Jasper and Carlisle stay back for this bit. Sometimes a girl's gotta do what a girl's gotta do.

"Oh Jasperrr!" I sang, ready to put the next part of my plan into action.

Silence.

"Jasper!" Rosalie hissed, we were beginning to look a little silly just stood there doing nothing. Edward slowly started to lower his makeshift cross and I saw Emmett's face visibly relax. Oh no…

I whipped my head round to where Jasper had been sat, he was gone. Jasper and Carlisle were gone. I almost didn't want to look back at Edward, but I couldn't help it. A slow smile spread across his face, Emmett's was plastered with a goofy grin.

"Oh no…" I whimpered, looking at Rosalie.

"Awww, crap!" She whispered back.

JPOV

Drip.

Splash.

Drip.

Drip.

Splash

I sighed staring into the blackness of the blindfold that covered my eyes and wriggled a little to get more comfortable on the steel table that I was strapped to. I tugged feebly at the padlock and chain around my chest, I could have escaped if I wanted to, but that would mean facing them.

Drip.

Ok, the incessant dripping was getting irksome.

Drip.

Another drop hit my forehead with a splash.

Drip.

"For goodness sake Alice, surely we have established by now that Chinese Water Torture is not going to make us go insane!" I heard Carlisle voicing my thoughts; I could tell that he was next to me, regardless of the blindfold, because I could literally feel the annoyance emanating from that direction.

For the past twenty minutes I had been padlocked to this steel table next to my vampire father, blindfolded, while the love of the life and my mother shopped for torture devices.

"Ooooh, how about that one!" Alice squealed.

"I think I preferred the last one. That looked fun!"

I heard the pages of the catalogue turn again.

Drip.

Splash

"Esme!" I snapped

"Fine"

My blindfold was ripped off and a sudden light accosted my eyes. My charming mother was stood over me, a dropping pipette of water aimed at my forehead in one hand, an industrial sized torched aimed at my eyes in the other. Looking over at Carlisle on the table next to me, I found him to be in a similar position. We were in a tiny, windowless room with thick concrete walls, a neon strip light flickered overhead, where on earth they had found this place I had no idea. I couldn't believe I had fallen into their trap. I had been so consumed with pummeling my brothers with emotion that I hadn't notice my beautiful pixie creep up on me and throw me over her shoulder. It had been…disconcerting to say the least. I still wasn't exactly sure how Esme had gotten Carlisle; I would have to get that on out of him later.

Alice skipped over towards me, swapping places with Esme.

"You look so cute when you're wet" She laughed, tapping my damp forehead. She clambered gracefully onto the table and sat on my legs. She flipped through a few more pages of a catalogue that looked frightening, to say the least, and whipped her cell phone out of her pocket.

"Hello! This is Alice Cullen again."

Hey Alice, did you force it out of 'em yet? The raspy voice of a middle-aged woman sounded back

"Nuh-uh. I thought I'd call to enquire about a certain…item of page 136" My wife asked sweetly.

Wow you girls are evil! A high pitched cackle came back

"All in a days work Helga! Now I have to ask, does it come in pink"

Oh God, what were they going to do to us?!

"Just put it on the account Helga! Pleasure doing business with you as always!"

There was a moment of silence. Alice and Esme radiated excitement and amusement. Carlisle and I however were emitting pure unadulterated fear.

"Alice" Carlisle began slowly "Why do you have a personal account and appear to be on first name terms with…some form of…torture supplies….company thing!?

"Actually, the personal account is mine" Esme chimed in "They're very good"

"So" I said, "What are you going to do to us?" I attempted nonchalance but my voice cracked a little at the end.

"Nothing…If you have changed your mind that is. Are you ready to spill?"

For a moment I considered it but luckily Carlisle was a stronger man than I.

"No" He said coolly.

"Right then!" Alice jumped off my legs and started rolling up my pant legs. My eyes went wide with shock as I realized that Esme was doing the same to Carlisle.

"We hef ways off mehking you tolk" Esme said in a thick accent

"What are you doing?"

"Getting creative" Alice muttered.

I heard what sounded like a microwave oven ping in the background.

"Esme!" Carlisle pleaded, wanting to know what was going on.

"Ah! That'll be the wax!"

BPOV

In one swift movement Emmett grabbed Rosalie by the arms and Edward did he same with her legs. Before I could blink, they were gone.

Oh so the pathetical little human wasn't even worth bothering about! I thought angrily. I would show them.

Turning on my heel I walked into a wall. A cold marble wall.

"Miss me?" Edward smirked

"No" I lied

"Liar"

I poked him with a toothbrush. It hurt my hand.

"So that was an interesting little stunt you pulled back there. I suppose you're a better actress than I gave you credit for." I smiled, happy that I had fooled him. "I mean it was a little obvious that you weren't in any actual danger, but I thought I had better check, just in case" My smile slipped. He still thought he was going easy on me!

I opened my mouth to say something but then thought better of it and started to walk back the way that I had come.

"Come back Bella"

"No"

"Please?"

"Dammit."

I spun back round to face him and he grinned at me, running a hand through his hair. Suddenly, an awful thought occurred to me. If I had walked into Edward, Emmett had picked up Rosalie and Alice and Esme had captured Jasper and Carlisle, didn't that mean…

"Ahh, Edward are we out?"

"No" He said his jaw clenching a little. "We had to restart the game a couple of minutes ago. Alice cheated, as she does every year." I looked at him quizzically "You remember the house rules? Well each team does have 100 000 to spend but Alice is not allowed to go shopping remember? Well I have reason to believe she is purchasing pink fluffy torture devices as we speak"

I breathed a sigh of relief, happy that we were still in the game and Edward raised his eyebrows at me.

"Let me get this right, you are not worried that you are playing a highly dangerous game with a vampire who may or may not be planning to torture you, you are in fact relieved that you are still in said game?"

"I'd say that's pretty accurate"

If the game was still going on, I had to find a way to get away from him. I didn't stand a chance running, but I wasn't going to give up without a fight. I spun back around and sprinted back down the aisle, hearing an exasperated sigh from behind me. Sliding round the corner I headed for the household department, keeping my eyes on my feet willing them not to trip now. Why wasn't he chasing me? I grinned, I was little surprised but very proud of myself. I carried on running; my legs were going numb as I ran towards my goal, the bright green exit sign. It looked like the gates of heaven, one of the most beautiful things I had ever seen. All I had to do when I got outside was find the others. Only meters away now. I reached out to grasp the door handle and yelped. My feet suddenly flew over my headed I fell forward, missing the door by inches. My head swooped down and I was being held inches above the ground upside down. I felt the back of my knees make contact with something hard and my head swung upwards till I was perched on the object. Apparently, Edward had swung me in a full somersault by my feet onto his shoulders.

"Idiot" I growled, affectionately of course. He was walking us back to the household department even slower than human speed. But this didn't stop me pummeling him with my fists, grabbing at his hair and kicking him as hard as I could in the stomach.

"Put me down! Or else!"

"Or else what?

I kicked him in the stomach again as hard as could, trying to ignore the pain coursing through my foot.

"If I say ouch will you stop hurting yourself?"

Deciding to ignore that comment, I looked around to see where we were. We were surrounded by those fake beds that they model sheets, comforters and such on. That was…odd. Edward lowered me onto a double bed with a grin.

"What on earth-?"

"You just stay there little lady" He said with a smirk.

"What!? You expect me to just sit here and wait for you to go goodness knows where and do who knows what"

"No, I expect you to be extremely irritating and awkward as usual and kick up a fuss. You know I love you for it but I'm not going to let that happen"

I stood up with a huff, this was getting a little repetitive.

"So that's how its going to be is it?" His beautiful face was just inches from mine. I could only nod. He gave a small shrug and his topaz eyes danced with a smile. I opened my mouth to ask what he meant but before I knew what was happening, his lips crashed into mine. Oh. I couldn't remember my name; never mind what I was supposed to be doing. He was pushing me back firmly towards the bed and pushing some of his precious boundaries at the same time. I lifted my hand up to tangle it in his hair but he grabbed my wrist and pulled it back down again. That was strange, of all the things he should be objecting to now I wouldn't have expected that one.

Click, click.

I froze and felt him smirk against my lips.

"Please tell me didn't just…" I jerked away from him looking down at my wrist. Sure enough, just I had expected, he had handcuffed me to the bed post.

"I told you that you would regret making me watch Pirates of the Caribbean 2"

JPOV

"Here's the deal, you tell us who came up with the plan and no one needs to get hurt. If, however, you continue being so stubborn you will be hairless as a Frisbee. (A/N I know its random but it was the first thing that popped into my head!) So you spill now, or end up with the legs of a "Venus Girl" for the rest of eternity. We'll be starting at the feet and working up so I don't think even a vampire can pull off no eyebrows" Esme was enjoying this way too much.

"When you say working up…you don't mean…everything…do you?" Carlisle whimpered. Oh dear lord please say no! I mentally screamed. Alice grinned and nodded slowly. If it was possible to faint, I would have done so right then.

Be strong Jasper, I told myself, don't give in.

"Ok Jazz, you first. Did you come up with that little stunt?"

"Why did you need to heat the wax?" I asked trying to change the subject "All you have to do is smooth it on and pull it off"

Well that definitely distracted them.

"How the hell did you know that?!" Carlisle looked at me in shock.

"I…err…read it in Cosmo"

"Jasper, I told you to stay away from my magazines! We had to freeze the wax because I figured that it might freeze to your legs. Now stop trying to change the subject and answer the question" Alice hissed.

"You look so cute when you're angry" I grinned

Rip.

It didn't hurt but I screamed any way, trying to gesticulate at my ankle with my padlocked hands. I would never, ever be able to wear shorts again. I heard another rip and a whimper and realized that Carlisle was having the same predicament.

"Jasper, was it Rosalie?" I squeezed my eyes shut and ignored the question.

Rip.

"Look at the bright side, Jazz. I can give you makeovers now!" That was the bright side?! I loved my wife more than anything but her makeovers were something that I never wanted to experience.

5 minutes and 2 pairs of satiny smooth legs later…

Alice was straddled across my chest, all traces of amusement gone; now there was only determination.

"This is your last chance Hale! Sprag, or lose you the eyebrows for the rest of eternity"

There was no point now. I'd never be able to leave the house again if I lost the eyebrows but at the moment that didn't seem like such a bad thing. Maybe I could go into hiding for a while. Alice's closet was pretty big. I was sure I could barricade myself in there… I looked over to see Carlisle frozen with the same look of horror as me as Esme decended towards him with one last innocent little strip in her hands. His lips wobbled a little as the started to form the letter that I had been dreading.

"B-b-b-b…"

"CARLISLE NO!" I roared. He couldn't give in now. All our efforts would be wasted. A wicked grin spread over Esme's face as she hesitated.

"What did you say honey?" She asked sweetly.

"…Bella…" He whispered shooting me an apologetic glance, I would have hung my head in my hands if I were not still shackled to a table.

"I don't think I quite heard you there Carlisle!" Alice sang, hopping off me. Of course she had heard.

"Nothing" Carlisle said quickly, full of remorse. Alice sighed and picked up the wax. "BELLA!! IT WAS BELLA! SHE CAME UP WITH THE WHOLE THING! PLEASE ALICE NOT THE EYEBROWS, ANYTHING BUT THE EYEBROWS!"

But Alice's reply was cut short as the door was suddenly blown off its hinges…

So there you go! Hope you liked it. By the way, i don't know if you guys have the word "sprag" in america or if its just british slang. If it is then i'm sorry, its basically the same as "spill". As always I'll give you the name of the next chapter which is... "Hello Beastie" I think it's pretty obvious where the inspiration for that came from :)

Time for some more review grovelling! For all you review virgins out there, just give it a go! Sieze the day! Try something new! Live a little!

Mini-Rant over and out.

Hannah xx

P.S. If you do review, I might just post a little sneak peak here on tuesday ;)