Derek laid in the bed. His arm slowly reached over, expecting to touch Meredith. He was expecting to feel her warm, soft skin. Instead, his hand met the warm bed sheets. He hadn't even heard her wake up. Between the long hours at the hospital, and the all night they themselves had been pulling, he was exhausted, both mentally and physically.
He wished it would all slow down, but he knew it wouldn't. He was a world-class neurosurgeon, and she was an intern. Neither of them had time to think. Not to mention, the stress of the Livingston's trial was weighing on them. Every time to they inquired, it seemed there was another pre-trial or continuance. Everyday, they began to love Anna a little more, and everyday became more unknown.
Derek laid there, thankful for the rest. Last night was the first night that he had been home before nine o'clock. And Meredith had been on-call a lot lately. Most of the time she was getting home later than he was, or she didn't come home at all. It for the best, he told himself. At least at work, she managed to keep her mind off of the stress that was consuming them both. It seemed they never had time to just rest. So he was taking full advantage of it. He laid there, hoping to close his eyes for a few more minutes. Then he heard it. It was faint, and it was familiar.
He slowly pulled himself out of bed. He almost knew. He didn't have to see, to know. It had happened already. The sound got louder as he closed in on it. It broke his heart. It felt like he was being stabbed by a dull, rusty, blade. It was a sound that made his heart jump into his throat. It was sound of his love, crying. He gently pushed the door open. There sat Meredith, sitting on the side of the bathtub, with her head in her hands, sobs rocking her shoulders.
"Oh, Mer" Derek said as he sat on the side of the bathtub and pulled her close. The ever-so-familiar blue stick sitting on the vanity. Derek didn't have to look at it. He knew. He knew that it was negative, just as it was the time before, and the time before that.
"I can't so this..." She sputtered in between cries.
"Meredith. It's okay." He said as he pulled her even closer.
"No, Derek. Something is wrong." She whined as she buried her face into his warm tee shirt.
"Mer, we haven't been trying that long." Derek said as he gave her a hopeful look.
"Three moths Derek! Three." She said, as she began to cry. "We were ready. And now-- Something is wrong, Derek. I can feel it." She said as she sobbed.
Derek could feel her warm body against his. He didn't know how to comfort her. He just held her, just as he did before. She was right, he had the feeling too. He felt that something wasn't right. He had honestly thought they could do it in one shot. He was expecting to be planning a nursery. He was hoping in another month, they would have been looking at an ultrasound. What he wasn't expecting was another test, with another negative sign, and Meredith sobbing in the bathroom. Frustrating didn't even cover it.
"We'll keep trying, Mer." He told her, trying to make her feel better, trying to get the glimmer to return to her eyes. "It will happen." Derek said as he rubbed her arms softly. "There are always options..."
"When is Jane coming?" She asked as she stiffened her body against his.
"She should be here in an hour." Derek returned as he looked at the clock.
Jane was Anna's nanny. Meredith was apprehensive, and Derek was too. They knew this was not the answer to their problems. They knew they couldn't be part time parents. But it seemed like every time they turned around it was something. Either being on call, or one more this or one more that. Anna was by no means being neglected. She spent a good amount of time with either Derek or Meredith everyday. But everyday, Derek was feeling more and more pressure, and he knew something had to change, and it had to change soon.
"I need to take a shower." She said dryly as she stood up and started the water.
"I could join you..." Derek said as he raised his eyebrows.
"Not this morning...Okay?" She said, seeing his face drop.
It wasn't that she didn't want to be with him. She needed to be by herself. She needed to cry in the shower, where the water would drown out her sobs, and her tears would wash down the drain. She didn't want him to know. She knew he was feeling it too. And somehow, as crazy as it sounded, sharing their pain seemed to make it worse.
"Okay." He said softly as he walked out.
He wanted to be in there with her. He wanted to hold her until her last tear fell, but her knew how she was. She knew that he was there for her. Derek walked over to their bed. A bed that used to be peace, and solace, and fun. He used to enjoy their bed. But now it just felt like a place to have another unsuccessful round. He sat down heavily and put his own head in his hands. He wanted to cry too. He knew that's what she was doing in there. But he knew he had to be strong. He didn't want her to see him that way. He didn't want her to give up. He didn't even hear the light footsteps walk up to him. He was to consumed by the tidal wave of emotions he was feeling.
"Are you okay, Mr. Derek?" Anna asked as she climbed in the bed next to him. Derek turned and looked into the innocent eyes that were looking into his. He took a deep sigh. He couldn't lie, even to a child.
"I'm just little sad." He admitted softly. He felt her wrap her tiny arms around him and hug him tightly.
"My mommy always hugged me when I was sad." Anna said quickly. "Merediff is sad too." She pointed out.
"A little." Derek said. "But we're okay." He said with a faint smile.
"Well what's wrong?" She asked as she cocked her head, a habit she had picked up from him.
"You know how when you want something and you go to the store and there isn't any?" He asked. She nodded.
"Like when I wanted that new horse toy, and Merediff took me and they were all gone?" She asked. "I was sad." Anna said with a frown.
"Well, Meredith and I want something, and we are having a hard time getting it." Derek explained.
"You will get it. I got my horse." She said simply as she stood up.
"I hope so." Derek said with a smile. "Did you brush your teeth?" He asked her. She immediately looked at him and rushed to do so.
Meredith emerged from the bathroom looking much better. He knew her trick. He knew she want in there to cry. She didn't know that he knew. The first time she did it, he spent the whole time outside the bathroom door, feeling like a part of him was dying. Meredith walked over to the closet and searched for something to wear. Derek quickly crossed the room and wrapped his arms around her.
"You know I love you no matter what, right." Derek asked as he kissed her neck.
"I love you too, Der." She said as she paused in his embrace.
"We'll get our horse." He whispered into her ear.
"What?" She said as she turned and looked at him.
"That child has a wealth of knowledge." He said as he walked into the bathroom and shut the door. Meredith just watched him walk away with a puzzled look on her face.
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Meredith slowly walked into the locker room and sat down on the bench. That is how she did everything lately. Slowly and begrudgingly. Anna was her savior. Anna made her light up. She had a way of getting her out of the funk that she seemed to be in. Derek tried, but he was feeling just as she was and she knew it.
"Hey." Izzie said brightly as she walked in and opened her locker.
"Hey." Meredith said as she looked up, not even realizing that she had walked in.
"Are you okay?" Izzie asked as she stopped what she was doing and looked down.
"I'm fine. Just tired." Meredith said as she forced herself to stand up and put on the fake smile that came so easily.
"Join the crowd." Alex shouted from around the corner. "This place has been nuts."
"Yeah." Meredith agreed as she pulled her scrubs out of the locker.
"I see you wore clothes today." Cristina joked as she walked up.
"Yeah." Meredith muttered as she pulled off her top. She looked down at her flat abdomen. She had never thought that a flat stomach and an empty uterus would cause her so much pain.
"Whoa, what the hell is wrong with you?" Cristina asked as she looked at her friend.
"She had been acting like this since I got here. Look I don't even think she hears us." Izzie said as she pointed to a zoned out Meredith. Cristina shrugged and continued to get dressed.
"Okay people." Miranda said as she threw the door wide open. "Assignments. Okay, Grey you are with Montgomery today..."
Meredith was relieved. She was happy that she wasn't with Derek. She couldn't look into his face right now. This was how it went. She knew she would be better in a few days, but right now, she was devastated. Meredith walked out into the hallway. Great. I am going to spend the day with people who have little humans inside of them. Maybe If I'm lucky, I'll even see a happy family greet their happy, healthy child. She quickly chided herself for being so negative. She should be happy for others, not resentful. She quickly found Addison and followed her to a patient's room.
"We are going to be giving Ms. Danson a hysterectomy today." Addison explained. "She has ovarian cancer." Meredith's face quickly dropped when they walked into the room of a thirty-five year old. She looked so young. She looked so ready to begin her life.
"How are you doing today, Claire?" Addison asked as she glanced at the woman over her reading glasses.
"As well as to be expected." Claire answered sadly.
"This is Dr. Grey, she is my intern for the day. She will be assisting with your surgery." Addison explained. Meredith could see her mouth moving. She knew that Addison was speaking, but all she could do was stare at Claire's face. She couldn't believe someone so young, not much older than herself, was losing so much.
Meredith felt sick for most of the surgery. She was saddened, disgusted even. She had never felt so bad for someone in her life. Maybe it was because of her own experience at the moment. Addison asked her several questions during the procedure, all of which is was able to answer. She will still distracted, and Addison could sense it. The minute she was out of the OR, she found the nearest storage closet. She just needed to breath.
"Do you want to talk about it?" Addison asked as she entered the small room.
"No." Meredith said as she slid down the wall. She laid her head back and took a deep breath. She felt Addison pat her. "Yeah, maybe I do." She said as she looked over at Addison.
"What is it?" Addison asked as she looked into her friend's eyes.
"Derek and I have been trying." She said as she closed her eyes. "To get pregnant."
"Oh. That's great!" Addison said exuberantly. "Oh not..." She added.
"Three months, and nothing." Meredith said as her eyed welled up. "I never wanted kids. Now I do, and I can't. What the hell is that?" She asked. "I went through hell getting that damn IUD out. I just thought it would happen like that." She said as she snapped her fingers.
"Meredith- Three months isn't that long." Addison said sympathetically.
"I know Addi. It's just frustrating. And Derek is trying to be strong, but it's weighing in him too." Meredith explained.
"There are a lot of people that have trouble getting pregnant after having an IUD removed. It doesn't mean it will never happen." Addison told her.
"What if it doesn't?" Meredith asked.
"Sometimes the best thing you can do is to stop worrying about it. Stop the scheduled sex. Just stop. Just go back to your old life. No one can live like that. I know." Addison explained and Meredith nodded her head, knowing Addison had her own fertility issues. "Give it some more time. If things don't happen, we will look for problems, okay?" She asked.
"Thanks Addison." Meredith answered, feeling one hundred percent better.
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"So have you heard anything about the trial?" George asked as he leaned back in his chair at the lunch table.
"No." Meredith moaned. "And I really don't want to. It stresses me out too bad."
"It would be too." Izzie agreed. "I can't imagine her leaving. She is so sweet."
"Sweet?" Cristina asked with an evil laugh. "That child is wicked."
"She is not!" Izzie spat. "She is great. You bring out the worst in her."
"She does that with everyone." Meredith said with a laugh, referring to Cristina.
"Grey, I just can't see you doing the mommy thing. You are more of the get drunk and sleep with inappropriate men type." Alex said with a grin.
"Shut up..." Meredith said as she rolled her eyes. "And don't ever say that around Anna." She said with a glare.
"Mer's actually a pretty good mom. She's one of those sexy moms..." Izzie said with a laugh.
"So you haven't started wearing granny panties yet?" Alex said with chuckle.
"Um, no. But when you think of me, yes, I am." Meredith returned. "God I'm tired." Meredith moaned as she laid her head back. Her lips were met with Derek's. "Hey."
"Hey." He said as he sat down. He stared into her tired eyes. His eyes travelled down to her ham sandwich that had exactly one tiny bite out of it. "Maybe if you ate, things would happen." Derek muttered, Meredith looked at him with sadness. How could he say that, like it was her fault. Like because she wasn't hungry, they would never get pregnant.
"Thanks, Derek." Meredith said with a hurt look.
"I didn't mean it that way. You just need to take care of yourself..." He said as rubbed her back.
"Well, now I'm not hungry." She said as she pushed it away. He looked at her and grabbed the sandwich, taking a bite himself.
"Not bad for the cafeteria." He said as he swallowed his bite. "So, um...will you marry me?" He asked as he looked off into the distance.
"Uh, no." She said as she rolled her eyes.
"Oh my God! Did he just ask you to marry him?" Izzie asked in shock.
"Yeah." Meredith said as she took a drink of her water. "He does it just about everyday. Right?" She said as she looked at him.
"Yep. Once a day. Eventually she'll cave." He said with a chuckle. His face dropped when his pager went off. "See you later." He said as he walked off.
"What the hell is wrong with you?" Izzie asked. "An incredibly good-looking, highly intelligent, brain surgeon asks you to marry him and you say no?"
"Yep." She said simply.
"You're nuts, Grey. Shit I'd marry him if he asked me." Alex stated, everyone looked at him wide-eyed. "You know, if I was like that." He quickly clarified. "I, um...I gotta go." He told them as he quickly walked of.
"Seriously, Mer. As much as I hate to admit it, McDreamy loves you. Give the guy a break!" Cristina said as she looked at her friend and shook her head.
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Meredith lay in the warm bathtub. After helping Anna with her homework, attempting to make dinner and putting her to bed, she was exhausted. She was actually enjoying the silence. She needed the time to think. She needed the time to relax. Derek was stuck in surgery and she had no idea when he would be home. She missed him, but at the same time, she just wanted to think.
She wanted to have some time to just be. So much was going on. She hadn't even heard anything about the trial. Not to mention the parenting classes. They were nearly done with those, thank God. Plus the baby, or lack there of. Then, of course, there was the first year internship exams that were looming in the not-so-distant future. It was too much happening at one.
She thought she heard someone walking around her room, but she was just too damn tired to get out at the moment. It was Derek. She knew his heavy footsteps. They had a familiar sound. There was a certain amount of time between each step. She knew his stride to the beat. She wanted to go out and lay in his arms. She really did. But at the moment, it was too much. She beginning to wonder if he felt the same way. If he felt like she was the reason they weren't getting pregnant. She couldn't face that, not yet. She closed her eyes when she heard the bathroom door open.
"Hey..." He said softly as he walked in. He took her in. Her body looked relaxed, but her face was tense. Her eyes were still closed, and he wanted to look into them so badly.
"You're home earlier than I expected." Meredith muttered, her mouth was near to going underwater.
"We lost the patient." He said sadly as he walked to the sink and began flossing his teeth.
"I'm sorry." Meredith returned sympathetically.
She knew how hard it was on him. It was hard on every surgeon. She listened to him go through his nightly routine. He had it down to an exact science. It absolutely killed her. If anything disrupted it, he was unnerved. She blamed it on his damn OCD tendencies. She quickly chided herself. She was just nit-picking because she was in such a sour mood, and she knew it.
"When are you going to be out?" Derek asked, she still didn't open her eyes.
"Eventually." She muttered before she dunked her head under the water, hoping he would be gone before she came up.
He was. She slowly pulled herself out of the water, and wrapped a towel around herself. As she looked into the mirror, the face that stared back at her shocked. It wasn't her. It was a tired, broken down face. It was a hollow shell of who she used to be. She had seen the same look before on someone else, and he laid next to her every night. When she walked out of the bathroom, there he was, laying in the bed, reading his medical journal. She sighed as she laid down on her back and stared at the ceiling.
"We have to stop this, Derek." Meredith finally muttered twenty minutes later. He looked over at her is shock. "I can't do it. I am giving up."
"Mer-" Derek started, realizing what she had said.
"No, Derek. It hurts. Every time I see that negative sign, I feel a little more dead inside." She said sadly. "I just want to go back to the way it was." She said as she started to sob.
"It's okay, Mer. It's okay." He said as he held her tightly. He knew it was killing her. All he could do was hold her.
"I'm okay..." She finally said as her tears ran out. "I think...I think I'm okay."
It broke him. She wanted to give up. He didn't. He wanted children, and she did too. It was the stress, and he knew it. She was in a bad mood. She was tired. He knew she would change her mind. She just needed time. At least he hoped...
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Okay, so this was sad. They are both having a hard time with the fact that there is still no baby. I promise the next chapter will be a happy one. This one was supposed to be, but it was getting too long!