Derek dropped his head down as he walked down the hallway. It shouldn't be this hard. Addison was never like this. Not that he wanted to compare her to Addison. She was completely different. Addison was strong, but so is Meredith. But Meredith, she's damaged. Derek didn't have experience with someone so broken. She pushed him away when she needed him the most.
Derek opened the door of his Land Rover, and climbed in. God he loved her. She had taken him over. He could live without her. He couldn't breathe without her. He needed her, and as much as she refused to admit it, she needed him too. He laid his head back and sighed. He couldn't leave it like this. He wanted to see Anna. He knew that she needed attention, but at this moment, Meredith needed it more.
"Jane, it's Derek." He said when she answered their home phone.
"Oh, hello, Dr. Shepherd. Is there something wrong?" Jane asked with a worried voice.
"Is there anyway you could stay tonight?" Derek asked as he pulled his keys out of the ignition.
"Of course." Jane said happily. She was alone in the world. Her husband died two years ago, and she never moved on. She was frozen in time, and kept herself busy.
"Is that Mr. Derek?" Anna shouted in the background.
"Yes, Anna." Jane explained. To the rambunctious child.
"Can I talk to him?" Anna begged loudly.
"I'll talk to her." Derek said as he dragged his tired body out of the car.
"Mr. Derek! Are you coming home?" She asked quickly. He could sense the hope in her voice.
"Not tonight, Anna." He said sadly. He could hear a disappointed moan. "Meredith isn't feeling good, so I am going to stay at the hospital with her tonight. Is that okay?" He asked.
"Yeah..." She said quietly. "Tell her I hope she feels better."
"I will." Derek said happily. He was glad that she seemed okay that they weren't coming home. "I will see you tomorrow."
"Okay, Mr. Derek." Anna said as she hung up the phone.
Derek felt somewhat better. Anna needed him, but she was okay. She was in great hands with Jane. Jane adored Anna. He had no idea what he was going to say to Meredith. He knew he had to say something. He had to make it right. He had promised to never leave her. He didn't want to leave her. Derek could sense that there was more going on than she was telling him. He knew her well enough to know that she wouldn't have got that upset over what he did.
He slowly opened the on-call room door. He saw her in the fetal position, on the bed, by the wall. It broke his heart. He flipped the lock on the door and slid his shoes off. She didn't move when he laid on the bed next to her. He spooned against her and wrapped his arm around her. He could feel her breathing softly. He slowly stroked her arm. She was tense, even in her sleep, he could feel her rigid body.
"I love you, Mer." He whispered into her hair. He breathed her in, filling his lungs with her essence. "God I love you..." He felt her jerk awake. He quickly wrapped his arms round her tightly. He felt her body shake with heavy sobs.
"Mer, I'm sorry." He said softly. "I am so sorry. I should have said anything." She turned around to face him.
"It's-- it's--" She struggled to push the words out, but they wouldn't go. Her breathing started to quicken.
"Calm down. Breathe." He told her as he held her tightly. He looked into her bloodshot eyes. Her face was stained with tears. He had seen her torn up. He had seen her bad off. But this was bad. Really bad. "Breathe..." He said as ran his fingers through her hair. He could feel her starting to relax.
"Holly..." She said before sobbing again. His face dropped. Holly. Of course Holly had something to do with this. She was his worst mistake. The day he met her was one of the worst he had encountered.
"It's okay Mer." He managed to spit out. The guilt he was feeling was immense. Meredith had done nothing to her. It was Holly, she sabotaged herself. And him. If he hadn't met her, Meredith wouldn't be suffering.
"Trial...Kissinger..." She managed to say before she went into another near panic attack. Holly, trial...Kissinger? Derek said to himself. He had no idea what she was talking about. He just held her as she sobbed. The same words kept going through his head. Holly, trial, Kissinger. What did it mean? They laid there for a long time. Meredith relaxed in his embrace. Finally she was able to say it.
"Derek..." She started as she looked at him. Her face looked worn. "I love you. Thanks for coming back..." She said simply as she closed her eyes, falling asleep. What the hell was Holly up to now?
-------------------
Meredith jumped when her pager went off. It felt like she had just fallen asleep. She quickly crawled over Derek, her feet hitting the floor like cement blocks. He slowly opened his eyes and looked up at her. She still looked terrible. He knew she was in no condition to be working. But he also knew that she wouldn't listen to him. He closed his eyes, not letting her know he was awake. He knew that if she saw him awake, she might break down again. He wanted to be there for her, but at the moment, he didn't want to make it any worse.
Meredith was glad that Derek hadn't woken up. She knew he was tired. She knew he had surgery in the morning. And she didn't want him to worry about Holly like she was. She wasn't going to keep it from him, but she didn't want him to feel the was she was feeling. She made her way down to the pit and met Dr. Bailey.
"Whoa..." Miranda said as she stepped back. "You look like the walking dead."
"Thanks." Meredith said dryly.
"We have a head trauma coming in. It could be surgical." Bailey pointed out as she stood by the doors. "So congratulations." She muttered casually as she looked off into the distance.
"What?" Meredith asked. "Oh, yeah...thanks." She said, remembering that Derek had basically told everyone in the hospital.
"You don't seem like the usual giddy bride-to-be..." Bailey mentioned as she looked up at Meredith.
"I am." Meredith said, trying to fake her happiness. It wasn't that she wasn't happy. She wanted to marry Derek more than anything. She just had so much sadness, and it was trying hard to drown out the good. "I just have a lot on my plate."
"Yeah, I guess you do." Miranda said, knowing how Meredith was feeling. "So how is the child?"
"She's good. Great even." Meredith said quickly, hoping that Miranda would get off the subject.
"So, when are you going to adopt her?" Bailey asked as she looked back out the door. Meredith could feel the tears welling up. Dead puppies...dead puppies...The tears were threatening to make their way out. Threatening to spill onto the floor and drown them all.
"Here it is." Miranda said as the ambulance neared. She sighed in relief. Meredith could see the lights flashing on the surrounding buildings. Finally something to take her mind off of everything.
"Twenty-one year old male. Car accident. Vitals are stable. Head trauma." Meredith barely listened as she tried to pull herself together.
"Grey!" Miranda yelled, seeing that Meredith was distracted. Meredith immediately snapped to and went to work. They took the patient to trauma two and began looking him over.
"Run and MRI, and page me when you get the results." Bailey spat, Meredith nodded and wheeled him away.
He was young. Younger than her. She looked down at him and shook her head. Things can change so quickly. He probably didn't even see it coming. He didn't know that he was going to be lying unconscious in the hospital Just like she didn't know that Holly was going to blind side her. She placed him in the machine. and nodded to the tech. Meredith watched as the image came onto the screen.
"There it was, a hematoma." She muttered to the tech. She quickly paged Miranda Bailey. Meredith continued to study it until Miranda came in.
"That's huge. Well, looks like Shepherd is going to have to leave his warm bed." Miranda said as she looked at the screen in shock.
"He's in the on-call room." Meredith mentioned without looking up.
"Well, I guess that's not as bad..." Miranda joked as she walked out.
----------------
"You can go." Derek said as she began to work on the patient.
"Excuse me?" Meredith said as she looked up at him.
"Mer- You are exhausted. You need to rest. Go to an on-call room and get some rest." Derek said softly as she looked into her tired eyes.
"I'm not tired." She said quickly. He looked at her and finally broke the silence.
"I'm sorry, Mer. I was a jerk. I shouldn't have said anything to everyone. I just felt like you were ashamed. Or you were being forced to marry me. I was hurt and I pushed. I pushed too hard." Derek explained.
"Derek...I want to marry you. More than anything, I want to marry you. Don't question that. It's just so much. There is so much..." She trailed off. "But I am okay."
"No, you're not..." He said, unbelieving. "It's me...you're not okay and it's because of me."
"I'm fine, Derek." She returned as she looked down at the patient, averting her gaze. "We're good."
"Okay..." He returned, knowing it was best to just drop it. He didn't want to push. He had to let her do this. He had to let her pretend she was okay.
"He's young." She said as she looked down at his face.
"Yeah, he is." Derek said as he also looked. "Scary, huh? Someday Anna will be that age..." He said. She immediately tensed up. He glanced up at her face and saw the tears that were pooling. "Mer?" He said softly. She didn't move. She didn't look up. She froze. And she stayed that way until Derek had made his last stitch. Meredith quickly walked to the scrub room and ripped her mask and gloved off. Derek followed her. he began scrubbing and watched as she nearly scrubbed the skin off of her hands.
"Meredith..." He said, finally breaking the uneasy silence.
"We're going to lose her, Derek." Meredith said. The minute the last word came out, they fell. The tears came out like rain.
"What?" Derek said in shock. "We're not going to---" He started. She quickly walked over and collapsed in his arms.
"Holly hired Harry Kissinger for the Livingston's." Meredith explained as she cried.
"Who's Harry Kissinger?" Derek said with confusion.
"He is the top defense attorney in the area. He can get anyone off, guilty or not." Meredith cried into his chest.
"Holly is paying for their attorney?" He said with fury. He couldn't believe she had done this. This was far beyond crossing the line.
"She made it a point to tell me earlier." Meredith said, beginning to relax in his arms.
"Mer, why didn't you tell me?" He asked, realizing why she had acted the way she did.
"I'm sorry Derek. I was-- God, it hurts so bad. I can't lose her. I love her too much." Meredith said sadly.
"I do too, Mer. I do too." He said they slid down the wall, holding each other. "Don't worry. It will all be okay."
------------------
Derek jerked awake. The sound he heard scared the crap out of him. It was a wail. He had never heard anything like it. He jumped out of bed, following the sound. He arrived outside of Anna's room. He quickly opened the door, seeing Anna thrashing herself in her bed. She was asleep, and obviously having a bad nightmare.
"Anna!" Derek said as he rubbed her arm.
"I want my mommy!" She whined as she opened her eyes and looked at him. "I want my mommy!" It broke his heart. He didn't know what to say. He had no idea what to do.
"I know you do..." Derek said with a sympathetic face. "You just had a bad dream." He explained. "Do you want to talk about it?" She shook her head no.
"I want Merediff. Where is Merediff?" She asked, looking into his eyes. "I need her. Where is she?" She whimpered.
"She's at work." He said sadly. "She had to help save someone's life."
"I want her..." She whined with pleading eyes.
"I'm here..." He sat down on the bed, and she clung to him like a magnet. They sat there for awhile before she spoke. "I was scared. Grandma and Grandpa died. They were with mommy and daddy." She said with a whimper. "Did they die, Mr. Derek?"
"No. No, Anna. They didn't die." He said, feeling like he had control over nothing.
"Where are they?" She asked with pleading eyes. "I haven't seen them in a long time..." He couldn't lie, and he didn't care about repercussions. Not right now.
"They are in time out." He said simply.
"They aren't on vacation?" She asked. He nodded his head no. "I knew it. They would never leave that long... What did they do?"
"Anna, I won't lie to you. They got in trouble. It's a grown up thing. But we are taking care of you. That's okay, right?" He asked. She nodded her head yes.
"Will you stay in my room until I fall asleep?" She asked as she leaned against him. "Merediff says you always make everything better." Derek smiled.
"Of course I will." He said as he pulled the covers up to her chin and closed his own eyes.
Meredith was exhausted. She hadn't been in her own bed in days. She couldn't wait to get into it and snuggle under the covers, and hopefully not waking up for days. She quietly shut the front door, and pulled her shoes off. Her feet were throbbing, and so was her head for that matter. She walked into the kitchen, grabbed a chocolate muffin and sat on the stool. She was so tired, she wasn't even sure if she'd be able to sleep. She chewed and swallowed her last bite and got off of her stool. Something on the refrigerator caught her eye. She walked over to see a picture of her family that she had drawn at school. Everyone was in it. Izzie, George, Meredith, Derek, Addison, and Anna. Two adults were in the back, by themselves. She assumed they were her grandparents. She smiled as she walked up the stairs and two her room. Meredith smiled when she looked in. There was Anna, leaned up against a sleeping Derek, in her little twin bed. She walked in and gave them both a kiss on the forehead.
"Hey." Derek said as he opened his eyes, looking into her green ones.
"Hey." She said with a smile.
"She had a bad dream." Derek explained as he looked down at Anna.
"Is she okay?" Meredith asked.
"I think so." He whispered as he slowly climbed out of the bed.
Meredith walked out of Anna's room and into theirs. Derek followed and stood by the door, watching her. She disappeared into the bathroom and washed up. He could hear her going through her routine. She peeked at him standing by the door.
"I'm still mad at you. You know that, right?" She asked as she washed her face.
"I know that." He said quietly, leaning on the door frame. A faint smile on his face. (Oh yes, take a moment, picture that. Okay then...)
"Good." She said as she dried her face with the towel, and walked back into the bedroom. He watched her peel off her clothes, and change into a tee shirt and shorts. He just stood there, taking her figure in. She looked up at him and pulled the covers back. She settled into bed, and looked up at him. "What?"
"You got to let me know..." He muttered as he looked at her.
"What?" She asked.
"Should I stay or should I go?" He said with a chuckle. She joined him.
"If you go there will be trouble, and if you stay it will be double." She said giggling uncontrollably. "Get over here." She demanded. He climbed right into bed. "I love you. Even when I am mad at you, I still love you."
"I love you too." He said as he wrapped his arms around her. He felt something on her hand, and smiled when he saw the ring. She leaned up and kissed him. His mouth parted and her tongue slid in. She rolled over on top of him and kissed him harder.
"God I love you..." She moaned as she pulled her shirt off. Whatever exhaustion she felt, was gone now. Derek looked up into her dark eyes and smiled. She placed her hands on the hem of his tee shirt and peeled it off, kissing his chest. She was in control, and he wasn't arguing. He felt her hands tug and his flannel pants. She hooked her fingers on both his pants and boxers and pulled them off, throwing them to the side. Her tongue travelled down to him, and she looked up.
"Come on and let me know." She said as her tongue played with the tip of his shaft.
"What?" He said with a gasp.
"Should I cool it, or should I blow?" She giggled as she looked into his eyes, taking him fully in her mouth. His chuckle quickly turned into a moan as she began teasing his erection.
"Oh God...I think you know." He moaned as he grew in her mouth. He quickly pulled her up.
"Meredith, I need you." He said he said as he rolled her over, thrusting his finger inside of her. "God, Mer, you're wet." He moaned as he moved around inside of her.
"Come one Derek..." She moaned. "I need you." He looked into her eyes. He spread her legs and he entered her with haste. "You're tight..." He moaned as he thrust into her. He watched as her eyes roll back as she moaned. A smile crept onto his face as he continued to thrust into her harder. It had been too long. They weren't meant to be apart.
"Oh, Derek." She groaned as she looked up at him. "Harder..." He smiled as he looked into her eyes. He closed his eyes, feeling her. Feeling her tightness. Feeling sheer perfection. They fit together so perfectly. He could feel her tighten up around him, causing him to pulsate. His heart beating rapidly.
"Fuck Derek..." She shouted as her orgasm began to take her over. "Harder!" Her thrust into her. Her body tightened up, shivers going up and down her spine. She felt Derek release inside of her with a loud moan. "Oh..." She whimpered as she closed her eyes, laying her head to the side.
"You are perfection." He moaned as he laid next to her. They laid there, hearts beating.
"I want to get married." She finally said.
"Good. I'm glad I asked you." He said with a chuckle.
"No, Derek. Let's get married." She reiterated as she looked over at him.
"Did you pick a date?" He asked as he turned his head, their faces nearly touching.
"Tomorrow..." She said with a smile.
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Hmmm... Did anyone get the Clash thing?