Derek sat in bed and watched Meredith walk back and forth. They had had a busy day. Well, he didn't really. It was Meredith who had tried on a thousand dresses. And of course, Anna had to try on literally every dress in her size. Meredith made a mental note that she had to yell at Addison. She was turning Anna into a girl. But not just a girl, a very girly girl who like pink and frilly dressed. Meredith wasn't accustomed to that. She was Cristina, they were a different breed. They didn't like that stuff. The fact that Meredith was trying on shoes and dresses all day was a big deal.
So now there she paced. Evidently she wasn't content with having Derek handle everything. She didn't think he could handle the flowers and the accommodations. Or the cake and the food. The whole situation was awkward. Who has a wedding with six people, two of them being the bride and groom? But this was what she wanted. She wanted a small gathering. She had only wanted it to be the two of them. But she needed Cristina to keep her head on straight. And Anna, she had to be there. She is their family. And Drew he needed to come to balance things out. And that left Jane. Because Meredith knew that Anna could not stay in their room with them. So, there she paced, hoping Derek had been his McDreamy self. Hoping that he had gotten everything right.
"Mer, you're making me sick. This back and forth-" He said as she walked back and forth. "Stop!" He demanded. She stopped and looked at her.
"If I were working, I'd be okay. But no, I am home--" She started to complain. "You're sure everything--"
"Do you not trust me?" He asked. She stopped and looked at him. "You should. I am very trustworthy. And capable. I am very capable. Everything is fine. And Richard insisted you take the day off. He said you would need to pack for vacation. Apparently everyone you know, can see that you have run yourself into the ground. Except you. You haven't noticed. You are beyond the ground. You are now reside in an underground tunnel." He said as he shook his head.
"I do not reside in an underground tunnel. It's more a burrow, really." She returned with a laugh.
"No wonder you're so pale..." He joked, then turned serious. "Do you know what you need to do?" He asked as he stood up, crossing the room, closing the space between them.
"What is that?" She asked as she leaned her chin against his chest and looked up into his eyes.
"You...need to pee on a stick..." He said as she looked down at her. Her face dropped. "And I will start a bath, because you definitely need to relax." He said as he kissed her forehead and walked into the bathroom, starting the water.
"You do realize you just raised my stress level, right?" She said loudly as she went to her bureau and grabbed her pajamas.
"You don't have to, I just--" He started to explain. "Burying our heads in the sand isn't going to make anything go away. Or happen for that matter." She looked into his eyes and laid her head against his muscular chest. She took a deep breath in. "But, it's up to you..."
"We need to. We need to know, I guess." She said with a sigh as she walked into the bathroom, grabbing the box she had come to hate.
The bath water was perfect. She closed her eyes, lowering herself into the bubbles. She was so lucky to have Derek. All the men, all the boys. There were many. But Derek, he stood out. He was the guy. She was meant to be with him. She had gotten so used to being unhappy. And now, she had happiness pouring out of her. But somehow she wasn't complete and it was that dreaded stick sitting on the vanity. She hated that stick. But it wasn't the stick's fault. The stick was an in-adamant object. Nope it wasn't the stick. It was her. It was her toxic uterus and retarded eggs.
And now she was heading to the Caribbean to get married to the man she loved. She was going to tie herself to him eternally. It was all too perfect. And all these years, the one thing she learned was that nothing was perfect. In fact, perfect wasn't even in her vocabulary anymore. She had always blamed everyone, but she knew, deep down, that she was the one to blame. Sure her mom was a crappy one. But people rise above that. She had spent so much time blaming everyone else, it had consumed her. And yet, she was trying. And this time she needed it to work out. Not all wrinkly, like and un-ironed shirt. But starched and crisp. She knew deep down, if anyone could give that to her, it was Derek.
One again, her gaze fell on the stick. At this moment, she was sure that it held her fate. But it wasn't holding the answer she wanted. She knew that, but she was going to humor Derek. But it wasn't funny. There was no humor there. She could climb out and look. But her body wouldn't, and her mind wasn't going to make it. She slowly sunk under the water. It was quiet there, peaceful even. It was the perfect place. And yes, she could use that word. Perfect. She could understand why someone wouldn't want to leave. Then, she felt a hand on her arm. Her eyes opened. Her green set met a blurry blue. There was a silence. And understanding. Derek watched her. No words need to be spoken. Finally she rose out of the water, droplets creeping down her soft skin.
"It's time, isn't it?" She muttered as she looked over at the stick. It was sitting there, mocking her, she was sure.
"Yeah, it's time." He answered. Now he was regretting the moment of truth.
Derek handed Meredith her bath towel and she stepped out. She wrapped the towel around her, her hair still dripping wet. Derek placed his hand on her arm. It was no comfort. Maybe is was for him. She was hoping it was for him. She didn't need to look at that stick. She knew. She knew her body. She didn't want to set herself up for disappointment again. Neither of them spoke. There were no words to say. Derek slowly lifted the stick up and read it. She watched his head drop. She knew, but she had to see it to make it true. There is was. It was negative. She stood there, staring off into space. The emotions going through her head were unbelievable. She needed Derek, and Derek needed her. But at the moment she couldn't. She couldn't react. She slowly grabbed her pajamas, putting on one piece of clothing at a time. Derek watched her. He waited. He waited for a reaction, there was none.
Derek was crushed. He had really thought she was pregnant. He was so sure. Maybe it was because he wanted it so badly. Why is she standing there? What the hell is wrong with her. He wanted to curl up into a ball, with her. But she was just there, a shell, a memory. His heart ached for both of them. He loved Anna, just like she was his, but he wanted a baby that had his eyes, and Meredith's soft features. He wanted a piece of the woman he loved. That wasn't happening, and there she stood, like a statue.
Derek watched as she grabbed her wet towel and walked out of the bathroom, through the bedroom and into the hallway. He didn't get it. He thought she would collapse onto the floor. He expected to be mopping up tears. He expected her to scream and cry, but there was nothing. She was shutting down. He wished he had never had her take the test. Now there were going to be getting married, and she was going to have this on her mind. He followed her. She wasn't going slowly. She was walking fast, with purpose. He leaned in the doorway of the laundry room. She pulled towels out of the dryer and began folding them. Perfect. They were folded perfectly. It made him sick. This wasn't her.
"Mer--" He started softly. She looked up at him.
"Don't." She snapped as she continued folding.
"This isn't healthy. Don't hold it in." He said as he looked at her sadly. He didn't want to see her doing this to herself.
"What exactly is healthy, Derek? Obviously not me. Because healthy people get pregnant and have kids for the men that love them. I am---" She faded off. She felt sick, she felt like she was dying.
"Meredith...give it time." He said optimistically. That was it. That was the straw that broke the camel's back. That was the boiling point.
"Time? Time?! Fuck time! Fuck this!" She screamed.
She quickly shoved all of the towels on the floor. The perfectly folded towels now resided on the floor in a messy pile. Perfection ruined, that was the story of her life. She moved like a hurricane. Derek had never seen her like this. Her face was crushed. It was like it was the end. He had never seen anyone so out of hope. Her arm swept across the shelf, knocking off laundry detergent and various bottle. Everything was on the floor. Jars full of hardware were now scattered with shards of glass. Screws and nails, everywhere. She grabbed the last stray bottle and threw it down on the floor. Fabric softener slowly crept it's way all over the floor. She let out a howl, similar to a wild animal. Derek had no idea what to do. She had fire in her eyes. "Why me? Why me?" She screamed in desperation. Derek watched as she fell into a puddle on the floor. He quickly rushed to her side. He was expecting her to attack him. She just laid there like a limp rag doll. He swiftly picked her up, her head flopping onto his shoulder. Derek looked over to Izzie and George who had now ran down to see what was going on.
"Holy mother of destruction!" Izzie said as she looked around the torn up laundry room.
"What's wrong?" George said in complete and utter shock. He looked at Derek and Meredith. He had never seen Meredith look like that. Derek shook his head, and they both withdrew their questions. They watched as Derek carried Meredith out the door and to a lounge chair. Meredith curled up against him.
"What the hell was that?" Izzie said as she bent down on the floor and began cleaning everything up.
"I think she snapped." George said, still standing there in shock.
"No kidding." Izzie said, shaking her head. "Why? Why did she snap?"
"I don't know, but it must be major." George said as he bent down and started helping her.
Derek laid there on the lounge chair, her warm body was against his. He held her. He didn't know what else to do. So he just held her. She sobbed for a long time. The pain that they both felt was immense. It was unmeasurable. Never in his life did he think this was going to be one of the major hurdles in their lives. Her body stopped shaking, she was still. He could feel her ragged breathing. The air was cold. Derek was cold, but he held her up against him. He had to keep her warm. He had to keep her safe, even if it was from herself.
They were leaving for the Caribbean tomorrow. Tomorrow they were going with their daughter, and their friends. It was supposed to be happy. It was supposed to be the best time in their lives. They were taking the big step, tying themselves together. But now. How do you get pass this? How was she going to put on a smile? At the moment, Derek would do anything to go back in time. Anything. Because an hour ago, they were better off. An hour ago, they weren't dying inside. Finally she spoke. It was soft, it was quiet.
"I think I'm toxic." She said in barely a whisper. Her words cut through him like a knife. Not a sharp knife. A butter knife. A butter knife with a dull edge that had to be pressed so hard to pierce his flesh. It dug into his gut, twisting it's way through. The pain was almost enjoyable. Only because he was hoping it took some of hers away. Then the anger made it's way to the top. It reared it's ugly head. And thats when he did it. He grabbed her arms, maybe a little too tightly, and squeezed.
"I never want to hear you say that again!" He said forcefully. It scared her. She had never felt this much anger in him. When she needed him to be soft and strong, he wasn't. "Do you hear me?" He said again. She nodded, not knowing what else to do. "You are not toxic. Why would you say that?" She didn't answer. She looked at him in shock. "Meredith!"
"I--- I-- It's the only thing that makes sense. I would be a shitty mom. My body knows it. My mind is just too empty to get it." She explained sadly. Tears rolling down her cheeks.
"Meredith that is bullshit and you know it. You are a wonderful mother. Anna adores you. She worships you. You are not a bad mother." He explained, softening his tone, sensing her worry.
"I'm never around, and I never see her. How can she love me?" Meredith asked quickly. She had been feeling the tension lately. Everyone was pulling her in all directions.
"Because the time you spend with her is quality time. Because anyone who knows you loves you. And Anna, she loves you. And I love you." Derek said as he kissed her head.
"What if I can't have kids, Derek?" She asked frankly. "Will you--- Will you still love me?" She whimpered, sobbing beginning to shake her body again.
"How could you ask that? You are the love of my life. I love you. I need you. We haven't exercised all of our options. The fight isn't over. It hasn't even begun. I want to fight. But only if you're by my side. I would love to have a baby with you. But in the end... if you can't. If we can't, I still have you. And you, Meredith, are enough for a lifetime." She turned her head and looked up at him. He had tears in his eyes. He was sad, but she could see something else. She could tell that that was how he really felt. He wasn't doing it for her benefit. And that, that seemed to make everything a little better.
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Derek sat the last of the bags down by the front door. Anna seemed to have the most luggage, which was laughable. Meredith was a light packer. She didn't need much, that's what he loved about her. She didn't care where they went, as long as he was with her. Addison only wanted the finest. She took more luggage to go away for two days, than the six of them combined. And now Addison was turning Anna into a mini her, and it was causing Derek and Meredith's head's to spin.
Meredith sat in the kitchen, eating a muffin. Izzie and George had cleaned up the mess from her freak-out the night before. She was feeling better. Derek had held her all night long. They had stayed outside until late in the night. She couldn't move, and Derek didn't have the heart to move her. They didn't speak about it again. They were at an understanding. She was at peace with it at the moment. She wasn't feeling the pressure from Derek anymore. And she wasn't feeling the pressure from herself. Derek had made her see how blessed she was to have Anna. So that was her new focus. To make sure that Anna was completely content. Her focus was keeping that little girl.
"Everything is ready." Derek said as he looked at her. She had a faint smile on her face. He loved to see her smile.
"Except Anna, Drew and Cristina." Meredith pointed out. They both rolled her eyes.
"And what exactly is holding Anna up this time?" Derek asked with a chuckle. Knowing how she had been acting lately.
"She is trying to find just the right thing to wear. 'Because Aunt Addison says you can never be over dressed.'" Meredith said with air quotes.
"Oh dear God..." Derek said, shaking he head. "She has created a monster."
"I know. Last time I went in her closet, she had it organized according to color and outfit. She actually told me I needed different clothes and that my closet was a designer's nightmare. Who says that? That's just wrong." Meredith laughed. Derek couldn't help but think a child of their own would never be like that.
"Addison does..." Derek said with a laugh.
"I'm ready." Anna said as she walked down in a pale yellow sun dress and a matching hat. Her shoes matched perfectly. She looked like she was ready for the Kentucky Derby. Derek and Meredith both busted out laughing. "What?" Anna asked self consciously. "Should I change?" She asked as she turned around.
"No!" They both shouted. She got wide-eyed. "You look perfect!" Derek said with a smile as he kissed her on the cheek.
"So where is everyone?" She demanded as she looked around with her hands on her hips.
"They are on their way." Meredith reassured her. The doorbell rang soon after.
"I'll get it!" Anna said as she jumped up. Derek and Meredith both looked at each other. She had really grown out of her shell.
"Oh, it's you." Meredith heard Anna say to Cristina. The banter between the two of them always provided entertainment.
"Oh, hell no! What are you wearing?" Cristina spat out with a laugh.
"A dress. Look at you. You are underdressed. Aunt Addison and I talked about this." Anna spat as if she knew something Cristina didn't. As if she was above her. She walked into the kitchen. Derek and Meredith shook their heads.
"No, I'm normal." Cristina snapped back as she sat down in the chair next to Meredith. She gave Meredith a pathetic look.
"No, you're not!" Anna argued as she walked up to Cristina, ready for another fight.
"You!" Meredith pointed at Cristina. "Quit arguing with a child. And you!" She pointed at Anna. "Show Cristina a little respect. She is my best friend."
"You have to get it to give it!" She shouted to Meredith.
"Anna! Straighten up!" Meredith warned. Derek looked at Anna, agreeing with the warning.
"Well, that's what you say." Anna told Meredith, as she looked into her eyes.
"It is. But Cristina is my friend. So stop it." Meredith said as she walked over to the sink. She heard the doorbell ring. Then she heard Anna's footsteps.
"Who are you?" She demanded as she opened the door.
"I'm Drew. And you must be Anna." Drew said turning on the charms. "And don't you look nice..." He said as they walked in the kitchen. "And you...look ravishing as ever." He said as he kissed Meredith on the cheek. Derek looked at them with raised eyebrows and cleared his throat. "And so do you..." He spat at Derek, who rolled his eyes.
"I am not sitting next to that on the plane!" Cristina clarified as she pointed to Drew.
"Me? I would rather sit next to a goat than you!" He snapped back.
"Oh God. It starts already. See honey. We don't have to have kids, we have a ton already." Meredith said. Derek leaned in and kissed her.
"You make an excellent point!" He said. "So is everyone ready to go?" Derek asked as he looked around. "We still need to pick up Jane before we go." Everyone nodded.
"There is just one thing I need to know." Cristina said as she stopped Meredith from following everyone out the door.
"What?" Meredith asked with a puzzled look.
"Should I call the police?" Cristina said with a serious tone, with her hand on Meredith's arm.
"What?" Meredith asked in shock.
"I just wanted to make sure McDreamy isn't holding you hostage and forcing you to marry him against your will. I could only rationalize that he is either holding you hostage or you are losing your mind!" Cristina joked.
"I have definitely lost my mind!" Meredith joked as she pulled the door shut and they walked to the car.
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No wedding today. That is going to take a ton of time. I can't guarantee it will be up tomorrow either. I have a lot to do tomorrow.
And no baby for Mer and Der. Don't kill me. I don't tear down like Shonda. Keep faith.