Meredith laid in bed. She had to get up. She couldn't. Not today. She could not go to work and risk seeing him. The things he said were harsh. Beyond harsh. It broke her heart. To think that he would read the book. To think that he would be angry with her. She knew why. Ian was the best lover she had. But it didn't matter. She loved Derek. Not Ian. Not Nate. Not Drew. Only Derek. And as mad as she was at the moment, she couldn't get one thing out of her head. She loved the stupid man.
There was no sleep for Derek. It was torture. But nothing compared to what he had done to Meredith. The things he had said. Not to mention, he did know her past when he met her. In fact, she was very open about it. Derek laid in his bed. This wasn't his bed. His place was next to Meredith. In her bed. In their bed. Not in a small trailer in the middle of the woods. He was harsh. He was cruel. It was the way he was feeling at the moment. He wished he hadn't said it, but he did. And he couldn't go back. He could only move forward.
Meredith pulled herself out of bed. The minute her feet hit the floor, there the nausea was. It had been her weakness. Vomiting. She was either hung over or upset when she did it. But most the time, it was both. Because with her, they seemed to go hand in hand. She quickly rushed to the bathroom and took her place on the floor. Life was cruel. And at the moment, it was at it's worst.
"Did daddy have to work early?" Anna asked as she ate her cereal.
"Um, yeah. He did." Meredith answered quickly. It wasn't a lie. Derek did have to work early today.
"Is daddy okay? He seemed sad yesterday." Anna said as she poured the milk from her spoon back into the bowl. She kept playing with it, ignoring the looks she was getting from Meredith.
"He was?" Meredith asked as she looked across the table.
"Yeah. Not in the morning. He was happy in the morning. He cooked me pancakes. It was fun. When he picked me up from school he was sad. He said he was okay, but he was lying." Anna pointed out.
"I'm sure he's fine." Meredith answered. So he had spent the day reading it. She leaned back in her chair. Would she have read it? Would it have bothered her so much. The answer was yes. And that made her feel even worse. She looked at the door, half expecting him to come in and everything to be okay. There was no one there.
"You're sad too." Anna said sympathetically.
"No. I'm happy. I just don't feel good." Meredith explained.
"Is that why you didn't go to work?" Anna asked.
"Yep. I'm going to take you to school, and pick you up too." Meredith said with a smile. She laid her hand on her rumbling stomach.
"Are you okay?" Anna asked.
"I think I'm going to be sick." Meredith said as she jumped up from the table. "Get your shoes on." She said as she ran to the bathroom. And there went her breakfast, once again.
Meredith took Anna to school and drove right home. She had to pull over several times on the way back. Her nerves were on edge. She was sick. Her stomach was flipping over and over. She sighed when she reached home. She grabbed a blanket and a trash can and laid down on the sofa. She had six hours to rest, and she was going to need them.
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Derek walked through the hallways of the hospital slowly. He could barely think about anything but the pain he had caused. His surgery? To be quite honest, the patient was lucky he survived. Derek had incredible focus. He could do anything under pressure. Not this time. This time, all he could think about was her. How he had quite possible ruined his marriage, and the best thing that had ever happened to him, in one fallow swoop.
"Dr. Bailey?" Derek asked as he walked up to the nurses station.
"Dr. Shepherd." She said without looking up.
"Have you seen Dr. Grey...I mean Dr. Shepherd. Have you seen her?" Derek asked. Dr. Shepherd. Not for very long after what I have done.
"She's sick." Bailey said curtly. "Being her husband, I'd think you'd know-- Well, if I hadn't heard her puking her guts out on the phone, I'd have thought she didn't come in because of that!" Miranda said as she looked at his face in shock.
"What?" He said as he grabbed a nurse's mirror that was on the desk. He looked at it and moaned. "Oh shit..." He muttered. There it was, a perfect hand print across his face.
"You didn't notice that?" Miranda asked with a laugh.
"The mirror at the trailer is very small..." He muttered to himself.
"Ah, the trailer. So not only did you fight, she kicked your ass out. What did you do this time?" Miranda asked, while shaking her head.
"This time, I really screwed up." Derek said solemnly.
"Fix it." Miranda demanded as she walked away. "Damn perfect-haired fool's got an amazing woman and screws it up." He could hear her saying as she walked away. And she was right.
Derek took a quick glance at the OR board. He didn't have anything else scheduled. He had to make sure she was okay. Bailey said she was vomiting. So she really was sick. It wasn't a Derek avoidance plot. He quickly changed into his street clothes and headed to the elevator.
"Derek..." Addison said as he stepped on.
"Hey Addie." Derek said weakly.
"What is wrong with Mer? Bailey said she was sick. I called her, and she sounded horrible. I offered to pick Anna up from school. I think I will just keep her overnight if she's that sick." Addison suggested.
"Well, I'm on my way home. But if you can keep Anna, that would be good." Derek replied. He looked over at his former wife. She could sense his distress.
"Oh my god, Derek. What happened to your face?" She asked.
"Meredith. But...I-- I screwed up Addie..." He trailed off sadly.
"Derek...I'm sure--" She started.
"No, Addie. Remember the fight. Our big fight?" Derek asked, thinking back.
"Yeah." Addison told him, as she looked at his sad eyes.
"This was worse than that. Much worse. I said bad things, Addie. Really bad." Derek admitted as he looked at the ground.
"It couldn't have been that bad..." Addison said optimistically.
"I almost called her a whore." Derek said, not looking up.
"You what!" Addison shouted. "Derek Michael Shepherd! You ass. You're lucky I don't slap your other cheek."
"It was worse. It was much worse. I don't know if I can fix it. I'm really afraid that I can't fix it. She is my everything. She is my life. I can't live without her. I have ruined everything." He said sadly.
"Derek, you fix it. And you fix it now!" Addison said as she walked out of the elevator. "Now."
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Derek stopped at the cafe that they both loved. He grabbed a quart of chicken noodle soup. That's what you do when people are sick, right? You get them chicken noodle soup. He pulled into the driveway. He was surprised to see all of the blinds and curtains shut. He walked up to the front door. He sighed heavily, as he placed his key into the lock. He was scared to death. He opened the door and walked in. It just seemed stuffy. The air was heavy. He walked into the kitchen and put the soup on the counter. He was just getting ready to go upstairs when he noticed a figure on the sofa. The closer he got, the stronger the smell of vomit became.
There she was. She was laying on the sofa, her favorite blanket wrapped around her. He loved to watch her sleep. Not today. Usually she had a peaceful smile on her face. But today she had a look of pain. Mental and Physical pain. Her face looked so sad. He had wrecked her spirit. He had taken a piece away from her. He walked around the sofa and sat down, placing her head in his lap. She nuzzled into him and smiled. As he watched her sleep, the tears flowed freely.
"What are you doing here?" Meredith said as she awoke. She quickly sat up and pulled away.
"Bailey said you were sick..." Derek said softly.
"As far as you are concerned, I am fine." She said angrily.
"Meredith..." He trailed off. He got caught in her eyes. They were so sad. He could read the betrayal she felt. "I'm so sorry..."
"No! No. I don't want to hear it." She said as she jumped off the sofa and walked into the kitchen.
"I was an ass." Derek said as he followed her into the kitchen.
"No kidding. But I-" Derek started as he grabbed a bowl out of the cabinet.
"Derek, you made it perfectly clear how you felt last night." Meredith said as she grabbed a glass of water. She drank it down and turned to the counter. She placed her hands down and hung her head. "You know what I don't get? You knew. I never kept my past a secret from you. I love you so much. I never would have dreamed that you of all people would have thrown it back in my face." She said as tears ran down her face. Derek watched the tears. They burned. Seeing them running down her face. Knowing that he put them there, made his insides turn out.
"I'm sorry." He said as he started to walk towards her.
"No! Get away from me. I don't want you to touch me." She said loudly. He stopped and looked into her eyes. They were red and bloodshot. But more, they were angry. Meredith looked into his. They were sorry. He was sorry. But she couldn't accept that. She felt her stomach getting upset. She slouched down and grabbed it.
"Let me help you." He said as he walked toward her.
"No. I just want you to leave. Just get out. Get out!" She yelled. He looked into her eyes. He pleaded with his eyes. "Please. I can't do this right now. I can't take this stress." He looked at her and dropped his head.
"Anna is staying with Addison tonight. And I will be at the trailer if you need anything." He told her.
"I don't want anything from you. And I certainly don't need anything from you." She said, lying to him and herself. Because right now she needed him more than anything.
"Please eat the soup, you need your energy." He said.
"Yeah, I'm puking my guts out and I'm going to eat soup. You dumb ass brain surgeon." She said as she rolled her eyes.
"Mer, I love you." He said as he glanced at her and walked out of the house.
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Meredith sat on the sofa. George was on-call and Izzie was staying at Todd's. She was home alone. There was one thing she wanted to do more than anything. She wanted to do the thing that always made her feel better. The thing that she always did. She wanted to drink. Maybe her problems would just melt away. She walked to the kitchen and grabbed her good friend tequila, and his buddy, the glass. She sat herself back on the sofa. She was going to drink until she forgot why she was drinking.
I'm not much for dope or drink
And that's thanks to Dr. Shrink
But one thing I can't kick is I can't kick the man.
Meredith poured the fiery liquid into the glass. She had always loved the way it looked when it poured. There was an anticipation, she felt. It couldn't get in the glass quick enough. And yet today she poured it as slowly as she could. The more pain she felt, the more she realized that she was still alive.
You're pathologically addicted
To what we call a dickhead
Cheaters and liars seem to light your fire
And girl, you gotta get clean.
So I did…Yeah, I did.
She watched the glass fill up. Generally she would fill it just a little. Just enough to slam the whole amount back. Not today. Today she was going to sip it. She was going to make sure it burned the whole way down. She lifted the glass and smiled. Tequila was always there when she was down.
I took a bath with a sociopath
I took a bath with a sociopath
I'll take a bath with a sociopath
Over a date with Bill Gates
Any day, any day
Only one thing popped in her head. Derek. The love of her life. Or at least he was. But who was she fooling, he would always be the love of her life. She was so made at him. But at the same time, she felt immense disappointment. She had felt so strong, so safe. She had never thought he would hurt her. But now, she was feeling as if she could never trust him again. She held the glass to her lips. She could smell it.
'Cause I like a little coffee with my cream
I like a little dirty with my clean
And my baby's really filthy
My baby's really somethin'
And my baby can dysfunction…
All night, all night, all night long…
She couldn't do it. It immediately made her sick. She had always enjoyed the way it burnt her lips. But right now, all she wanted to do was vomit. She quickly stood up and ran to the bathroom. As she laid on the floor, she only wished one thing. She wished she had Derek there to hold her hair back. To rub her neck. She hated him right now, but she still loved him. She missed him. She wished she had just thrown the book away. And then they would be laying in bed together. Being happy. She loved him. She laid her head on the cold floor. At the end of the day, it didn't matter what he did. Because she loved him. God, she loved him.
Okay, I am fixing this. Or at least trying...